Stinkoman Email/8

Stinkoman Email #8: Pudding

Summary: 1-Up decides to answer a couple of emails on Stinkoman's computer much to his dismay.

Cast (in order of appearance): Narrator, 1-Up, Pan Pan, News Reporter, Jaro, Stinkoman

Places: Stinkoman Headquarters, The Field, The City, The Forest

Date: August 10, 2020

Transcript

Stinkoman Email #8: Pudding

{Fade from black. The opening shot would be of the planet Earth, and the camera slowly zooming in on it. As the narrator speaks, a giant pudding is simultaneously seen floating through space in the foreground.}

NARRATOR: In all of time and space, there is an equilibrium of deliciousness across the universe in which various snack foods exist in balanced quantities. When one savoury dish or dessert is consumed, another is baked. That is the way it is and the way that it has always been. But, what happens when the balance is disturbed?

{Cut to just a plain shot Stinkoman's holographic computer on the desk. No-one is there. Zoom out. No-one is there. 1-Up peers his head in from the left side of the screen and looks around.}

1-UP: Hey, Stinkoman! How's challenges?

{There is a pause.}

1-UP: Stinkoman?

{He steps on-screen so now his whole body is within the frame.}

1-UP: Where could Stinkoman possibly be? It isn't like him to miss the beginning of his email show. Hmm, I guess I'll have to entertain his audience for today.

{1-Up would proceed to sit down at the computer desk and type his email and password into the floating holographic screen.}

1-UP: I'm sure Stinkoman won't mind me using his computer-box! Doesn't he usually start with a little jingle or scroll button rap? Ah, well!

{An email pops up on the screen.}

Dear 1-Up.
I Have Emailed You To Inform You Your Time Has Come.
You Only Have A Week To Live.
When That Time Comes I'll Be Ready.
To Prevent Your Death, You Have To Do One Good Deed Involving The Poopsmith.
-Yours Sinceriously, The Grim Reaper

{He does read "sinc-seriously" in pretty much the way that it was likely intended.}

1-UP: Hey there, Mr. Reaper. You have the wrong number! Boop.

{He brings up another email, essentially just flat-out ignoring the previous one because that is just how 1-Up rolls, friend.}

1-UP: Oh, cool! Another email? I guess it has been quite a while since I've cleaned out my inbox. Guess we'll make this a lightning round of non-stop emails!

Dear 1Up,
If you and all the others say you like
pudding so much, why did you only
mention you liked it in one episode on
the site?
Bobby Tarkleman

1-UP: Ah, yes. My absolute love of pudding! As a one-note character, it is my one note! But, I guess I could get a new thing if the pudding thing is getting so exhausting for everyone. Let's see, what could I possibly make my new character trait?

{1-Up would clear the screen and resume typing.}

1-UP: What about a... {in an accurate Homestar Runner voice} ...speech impediment? Awh' could pwobably swing doing this fowr another twenty to thiwty ye-ahrs.

{He starts coughing and spluttering, before going back to his ordinary 1-Up voice.}

1-UP: Err, maybe not then. Maybe just expanding my palette and getting a new favorite food might be in order. I'm certainly not opposed to trying new things... just as long as they're sweet and tasty and not at all healthy in the slightest. I mean, who has time for vege-ta-bools. Not me. Not even me! And so not me!

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang.}

{1-Up would turn from the computer screen to see Pan Pan having just arrived on the scene, stage-right.}

1-UP: Pan Pan, what do you mean I need to change my eating habits in accordance with the food hexagon? I thought that was just a myth!

{Pan Pan does some more of his "badalang" noises, as he communicates something important to 1-Up.}

1-UP: Wait, you mean to tell me that not obeying the food hexagon to the letter is punishable by death? Huh, the more you learn everyday. Well, okay... let's teach the viewers about the food hexagon.

{The scene changes to 1-Up in a teacher's vest and tie, wearing glasses and standing in front of a futuristic equivalent of a black board, similarly holographic like Stinkoman's computer. It relays diagrams and writing as 1-Up talks.}

1-UP: The food hexagon is a representation of the optimal number of servings to be eaten each day from each of the basic food groups. Those food groups, of course, being... pudding... which apparently you're only supposed to have one serving of every millenia and the other five hexagonal edges are varying colors of mush blended from supposedly all natural ingredients that are considered top secret and on a need to know-

{1-Up would stop and address Pan Pan, interrupting his own speech.}

1-UP: Pan Pan, are you sure about this? Something about it doesn't sound right.

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang.}

1-UP: Well, yeah. I know that it has been the law since 20X2, but I've been eating pudding non-stop since then and I haven't had any of the ill effects that the PSA video-mations claimed I'd accrue. Like, furry palms and going blind.

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: What do you MEAN that was a DIFFERENT PSA?

{Cut back to 1-Up at Stinkoman's holographic computer, typing out the remainder of his response.}

1-UP: Well, when all is said and done, I guess the grey goo that the government enforces for everyone's diet is going to be my new "thing". {As excitedly as Stinkoman's line delivery in "Under Construction".} I'll eat my mush with a spoon!

{He holds up the grey goo in a bowl to the screen so the audience can see and even takes a mouth full before seeming a bit uncomfortable by the whole thing, shuddering.}

1-UP: This mush needs more pudding.

{Another email pops up on the screen.}

1-UP: Oh, another one!

Dear 1-up er.. Kidstar... ummm... whatever,
Have you succeeded on your quest to become "the guy"?
Sincerely,
The other guy.

1-UP: You cannot be "the other guy". There is one and only one "the guy" and that is why I have not become "the guy" yet. Once Stinkoman trains me and I get to prove myself at the tournament which this whole email show has been leading up to, then maybe, just maybe, I'll be announced to the world as the next "the guy". But, short of that, I can just be the best version of myself that I can possibly be in the present. Thanks for your email. Remember to eat your mush!

{Next email for 1-Up would appear on the screen.}

Hello 1.Up,
I wus wanjerinn,,,y is yoohive noo airms?
Sum once.

{1-Up very clearly has a difficult time reading the email and he pronounces several words exactly as they are spelt. "I wuh-s wan-jerr-in' why is you-hive new air-ms". Something along those lines. A few false starts before he gets through the whole email.}

1-UP: Why do I get the feeling that while you were typing this email, you were simultaneously being abducted by a flying saucer, but you felt that finishing writing out the email itself was of higher priority... so you kept reaching for your keyboard and flailing your hands at it desperately clinging for dear life to it as you were being sucked away by the tractor beam? That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

{1-Up clears the screen and resumes typing.}

1-UP: I think I understand though. Your last email has not been in vein! Why do I have no arms? Truthfully, since most people in this time period are either robots, half-robot or some variation of humanoid robot... there hasn't really been much need for guns. As you may know, we fight and challenge a lot. It is a way of living! But, that doesn't mean that we tolerate deadly weapons. We're all weapons in our own right. Stinkoman with his double deuce, me with my spinning kick, Marzia with her magical girl transformation sequence and Pan Pan... is also our friend.

{1-Up clears the screen once more.}

1-UP: Guns are just obsolete. So there is no need to arm myself when I already got... these guns, baby.

{1-Up attempts to flex, but it just looks like he's bending his torso. Clearly he has no arms to flex, but he seems proud enough of himself for doing so.}

Dear awesome 1-up,
Why are you so awesome?
With awesomeness,
Homoon

1-UP: Well, my guns for a start. But, in all seriousness, it'd be really egotistical... I think that's the word, to proclaim my own awesomeness. But I don't know the meaning of the word... and I am awesome!

{1-Up clears the screen and resumes typing.}

1-UP: Why just the other day I helped an old lady cross the street by kicking every other robot, cyborg and geriatric individual on that same street off of the road. I saved a truck of pudding from almost falling off of a bridge... which coincidentally was also made of pudding. Stinkoman said that was a dream, but the jury's still out on that one. But, I am pretty awesome in my own right! And if you want to be awesome to, well, you just need to... eat your damn mush!

{After a brief pause of 1-Up looking angry, he smiles.}

1-UP: See? I'm committed. It's still my thing. It's never not going to be my thing. A'ight, next one.

Dear 1-Up,
Did you help design games so that they have
extra lives like dotted green mushrooms?
Loving games with 1ups,
Strongstar & homebad

1-UP: {typing} Well, Strong Bad an Home-Star. Hehe, gott'em. The truth of the matter is that for the longest time, I didn't even know what a "1-Up" was. Though when I asked my parental units about it, they told me that they named me that because "I will bring life to others in the future". Boy, were they disappointed. I mean, talk about false advertising!

{1-Up would proceed to clear the screen.}

1-UP: Though that does reminds me of a time when me and Pan Pan were all weirdly pixelated and we decided to go to the moon together!

{Cut to a flashback sequence where the 1-Up sprite and a Pan pan sprite from the Stinkoman 20X6 video game are interacting on the moon.}

1-UP: Hey, Pan Pan. Check out what I just found!

{1-Up would hold up a perfect replica of his entire head.}

1-UP: Someone on the moon must really like me! They left all of these perfect, accurate sculptures of my head just lying around on the moon's surface!

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: Video game health system? Man, I don't even understand half the words you say sometimes!

{Pan Pan's eyebrows furrow as he seems even more annoyed with 1-Up all of the sudden.}

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: Woah, tone down the language. Kids watch this email show... probably.

{The "perfect replica of 1-Up's head" disappears into 1-Up and a Super Mario Bros. "1-Up" sound effect is triggered.}

1-UP: That was weird.

{Cut back to 1-Up answerin' emails, y'hear?}

Hi 1-UP!
Do you like pirates? Are you a pirate?
Dusk!

1-UP: Dusk. Can I call you "Dusk"? I assume so, as it is your name that I see before me on my screen. Dusk, Dusk, Dusk. It feels like I'm answering this question every week. Unlike the pudding and the guy question, the pirate question is one that I get all of the time. Haven't you seen 1-Up Email 200?

{Screen-wipe. Cut to a flashback where 1-Up and Pan Pan are sitting in a cardboard box out in "the field" using a wooden ore to very slowly push the box forward along the grass.}

1-UP: Avast ye' salty dogs! Bring me all your treasures for'thwit! So, that I may gaze upon them with my anime eyes!

{1-Up looks to Pan Pan, disappointed.}

1-UP: Pan Pan, row faster! We're never going to be taken seriously as pirates at this rate!

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: No. It is not a phase, dad! Unlike the cowboy phase, the astronaut phase, the sexy fireman phase, the Internet angry game reviewer phase and the Flash animation craze, I'm going to be a pirate until the day I die.

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: Yeah, actually! Now that you mention it... it is a little bit weird that Stinkoman hasn't appeared in any of these cutaway gags!

{Cut back to 1-Up at the computer. He clears the screen and another email would pop up.}

1-Up,
I regret to inform you that all of the pudding
in the world has gone extinct.
I hope that you will take this in stride and then
move on.
Swarthily,
A Jaro

1-UP: All the pudding in the entire world has gone extinct? Aw, well, y'know, that's okay. I've been meaning to go on a diet anyway. Thank you, Mr. Jaro, for informing me of this news. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your da-

{1-Up jumps off the sofa, eyes wide and twitching, as his whole body shakes violently and he starts running around in circles in front of the sofa.}

1-UP: We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die!

{Pan Pan would bounce in from the left side of the screen and attempt to console 1-Up.}

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: {getting down on his knees, tears streaming down his face} Tell me it isn't so, Pan Pan! Tell me it isn't so!

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: No, I am not over-reacting! This is a perfectly normal reaction to everything that's transpiring!

{A news report jingle could be heard. The camera shifts over to the left. A television screen now in view, with a news reporter on the screen, microphone in hand, standing in a what appears to be a restaurant.}

NEWS REPORTER: Let's get riiiiiiiiight into the news. I am standing here live in this restaurant, having a chicken sandwich for lunch and it is extremely tasty. Thank you for asking. {Suddenly shifts focus to his earpiece.} This just in! All types of pudding across the world have been erased from existence!

{A poorly made drawing would appear on-screen with the caption: "An artist's rendition of what a pudding might look like".}

NEWS REPORTER: And before anyone asks, this strange occurrence seems to only be happening to pudding and pudding-based foods specifically. Most other dessert foods, and food in general, are safe for the most part. In this reporter's personal opinion, pudding was never really that good anyway. I will not be losing any sleep, nor shedding any tears, over this day.

1-UP: DAMN YOU! YOU BURNT IT UP! YOU BURNED IT ALL TO HECK! IT'S THE LITERAL END OF THE WORLD! CATS AND DOGS! LIVING TOGETHER! MASS HYSTERIA!

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: What do you mean, "What is the big deal?" Didn't you hear the opening narration?

PAN PAN: No. The laws of cartoon logic dictate that we're not supposed to hear the disembodied voice before the start of each episode.

1-UP: ...

PAN PAN: Uh, I mean... {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

{1-Up moves his face super awkwardly close to Pan Pan's face, much to his surprise.}

1-UP: Damn it, man! We don't have time for this! We have to spring into action right now! If Stinkoman won't save the day, then I guess it's time for a 1-Up solo adventure!

{Before Pan Pan can interject, 1-Up runs to the nearest window of Stinkoman HQ and jumps out of it. Cut to outside where we can see 1-Up falling from a distance as he screams out.}

1-UP: I HAVE TO SAVE THE PUDDING!

{A montage would then play accompanied by a sad song (of the reader's choice) in which 1-Up walks through the streets. He depressingly glances at posters that say stuff along the lines of "The Big Pudding Mystery: Does Anybody Care?" and "Chocolate Fondants Are Better Anyway!". He walks into his local grocery store and scans the aisles with his eyes, looking at where the pudding once were. The pudding is now gone, and only empty shelves where they once stood. As 1-Up steps out of the grocery store, it starts to rain, however 1-Up is too sad to notice and simply looks down to his feet with a pouty puppy dog face and anime-esque teardrops forming under her eyes. He continues to walk the lonely road. The people around him seem to be going about their daily lives as if nothing is wrong. He continues walking and walking and walking out of the futuristic city.}

1-UP: I guess it really is the end. The world has been purged of all pudding. I... I don't know what to do.

{1-Up is in a dark and spooky forest on the outskirts of the city that encompasses Stinkoman HQ, 1-Up sits down sad by a tree and sort of feels sorry for himself for a while. Pan Pan bounces on-screen once more to attempt to console him.}

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: Oh, great advice! "Just don't think about it." Real great! I bet that must be so easy!

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: I know, I know. You were just trying to help. I just don't know what to do in this world without pudding. I mean, it's one thing when I'm choosing not to have it for the purposes of dieting, but knowing that it's not even available anymore? That's like the difference between choosing to stay home because you need a break verus not being allowed to leave the house at all!

{Pause.}

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not the end of the world.

{The ground beneath Pan Pan and 1-Up spontaneously starts shaking, much to both of their shock. One of the trees in the forest falls over and 1-Up quickly jumps to push Pan Pan out of the way of the tree.}

1-UP: Wow, guess the world really is ending. Who saw that coming?

{As 1-Up says this, a rocket emerges from the horizon behind him, flies up into the air slightly before it ceases flight and comes crashing back down into the ground. 1-Up and Pan Pan run over to the rocket, confused. Inside is a Jaro.}

JARO: Ugh, my axels. Damn it, why didn't it work? I blame video games for lying to me about this sort of thing.

1-UP: Umm, what exactly is going on here?

JARO: Oh, my name is Jaro. Andy Jaro.

1-UP: Andy Jaro? A. Jaro? {1-Up looks into the camera, not amused} Seriously?

JARO: I suppose you're here because you discovered that it was I who stole all the world's pudding for my mega super awesome mega-ultra chocolatey smelling spaceship of awesomeness?

1-UP: WHAT? Sir, you're overestimating my intelligence! I once got confused by a really, really tiny bird that turned out to be a butterfly! {He happily gasps.} It was so smol.

JARO: Wait. That's not why you're here? To stop my evil plan?

PAN PAN: {Badalang, badalang, badalang!}

1-UP: Nah, not really. Truth be told, me being here was just one big coincidence. I had absolutely no idea.

JARO: Oh, well-- I guess you can have the pudding back. My pudding powered rocket ship didn't work out as well as I'd hoped.

1-UP: Wow, thanks Andy Jaro! That clears everything up! But, I just have one last question.

JARO: What would that be, Mr. 1-Up?

1-UP: Why didn't you just use regular old fuel?

{They would be a long pause of all three of them awkwardly looking at each other.}

JARO: Y'know what? It just never occurred to me.

1-UP: Glad I could help! I like being helpful!

{It cuts back to 1-Up at the holographic computer. Yes, that's right! He is still answering emails even though this email has gone on for quite a while.}

dear 1 up
I heard stinkoman doesn't like you.
-tea sir

1-UP: Huh, well, that would probably explain why he abandoned his email show and hasn't answered any of my texts.

{Cut to 1-Up's phone which shows a direct messaging app open with both his and Stinkoman's profile pictures plainly visible. Stinkoman stopped responding to 1-Up's texts and it's just a bunch of "hello?" from 1-Up.}

1-UP: Oh man, that makes me feel the sad-sads. After all, Stinkoman promised to train me and yet keeps blowing off our training sessions. Like, just yesterday for example...

{Cut to a flashback sequence with 1-Up standing out in the living room of Stinkoman HQ. He looks left. Then, he looks right.}

1-UP: Stinkoman hates me so much, he didn't even show up for the flashback!

{Cut back to 1-Up typing at the computer.}

1-UP: This is getting serious. It's one thing to not answer texts or show up for flashbacks, but to not even show up for your own email show? Something is fishy here! I'm going to grab some mush to-go and investigate!

{1-Up "preows" out of his chair and rushes off to begin investigating. The camera stays motionless, focusing on Stinkoman's computer. Stinkoman walks on-screen and sits in his chair.}

STINKOMAN: Boy-oh, boy-oh! Who would of thought that a week long nap is exactly what I needed to get me out of my "not checking emails" slump! I hope 1-Up hasn't been using my computer.

{Stinkoman looks to the screen and reads the response that 1-Up left there.}

STINKOMAN: Aaaaaah, crap!

{This is where the email ends. Goodbye.}

Fun Facts

• This is the first Stinkoman Email to not feature or even have Stinkoman present for the majority of the email.
• Strong Bad and Homestar are the names of Stinkoman and 1-Up's present-day versions... in case, y'know, you didn't already know that. There it is.
• 1-Up briefly alludes to the "angry Internet game reviewing" and "Flash cartoon" phenomenons of the early 2000's Internet days.
• 1-Up is the name of a health item in most retro video games. Also referred to as a "life" or an "extra man". The author of Stinkoman Email certainly needs to get a life. (Ooooh, self-burn!)
• Pan Pan speaks briefly for humorous effect. Similarly, typically mute characters like The Poopmsith have been known to speak for a joke on the main website once in a while.
• The Jaro is an enemy type from the Stinkoman 20X6 video game.
• Pudding is a type of food that can be either a dessert or a savory (salty or spicy) dish that is part of the main meal.
• A pirate is a person who attacks and robs ships at sea. There is no nearby oceans in the futuristic city that Stinkoman Email takes place in, so 1-Up opted to use a cardboard box as a stand-in for a pirate ship.
• Cartoon depictions of pirates are typically not historically accurate to what pirates are actually like.
• The earliest documented instances of piracy were in the 14th century BC, when the Sea Peoples, a group of ocean raiders, attacked the ships of the Aegean and Mediterranean civilizations.
• The modern usage of the word pudding to denote primarily desserts has evolved over time from the originally almost exclusive use of the term to describe savory dishes, specifically those created using a process similar to that used for sausages, in which meat and other ingredients in mostly liquid form are encased and then steamed or boiled to set the contents.
• "The Moon" is an astronomical body orbiting Earth and is the planet's only natural satellite.
• A group of fish is called a school, a group of geese on the ground is called a gaggle and a group of bronies is called a disappointment.
• If you recognize where the news reporter's first line in this email comes from, you should feel ashamed of yourself.
• Andy is a name.