Peasant's Quest: Rather Dashing's Adventure

The Peasant's Quest novelization, made into a page by Strong Sad.

Chapter 1

For untold ages, the chivalrous realm of Pageantry had been at war with their adjacent neighbor, the deplorable kingdom of Bigotry. Their borderlands were a permanent battlefield and those unfortunate peasants caught in the midst of it all did their best to eke out an existence while the war raged around them. Eventually, just before the Age of Trogdor, the land on which the armies fought became so ravaged and war-torn - and the peasants that occupied it so smelly and unattractive- that neither side would claim it. Pageantry said the land was far too ugly and low brow to be a part of their realm and Bigotry wanted nothing to do with those "weak-kneed, weak-mead quaffers". With no realm to call their own, the peasants of the borderlands grumbled together a meager government and began calling themselves the kingdom of Peasantry.

Chapter 2

In the early days, life was simple and happy. Baby ladies stole money. Creepy old men fished in the lakes. The Jhonka, a troll-like being that lived in a cave, hoarded its treasure. A vile giant known as the Kerrek invaded the land, squashing all who trespassed his fields. Then, a dragon known as Trogdor the Burninator came. Trogdor ravaged fields, squashed peasants, destroyed huts, and spread burnination all over the land. Ever since this day, while most of the peasants of Peasantry have lived in peace with Trogdor for centuries, some people did indeed live in fear, like a peasant wearing short pants who lived in Peasantry for some time. His name was Rather Dashing.

Chapter 3

When Rather Dashing came back from Scalding Lake, he found out that his house, along with all his other items, was burninated by the great Trogdor. He had nothing left to lose. Except he swears to get revenge on the beefy Wingaling Dragon in the name of burninated peasants. Rather Dashing began his adventure to find and battle Trogdor. He headed east towards the mountain where Trogdor lives. "That's a nice looking lake." said Rather Dashing. He grabbed up a handful of fairly substantial pebbles. Rather Dashing makes sure to get an even mix of sedentary, igneous, and sureptitious rocks. While searching for more pebbles, Rather Dashing found a bucket. Not just a regular bucket, but a agéd bucket that was purchased from Ye Old Gift Shoppe.

Chapter 4

Rather Dashing put his pebbles in the bucket. He went to ye well to put his bucket in, but it descended to the bottom. He saw there was a crank to pull the bucket, and hauled the bucket back up. There was a monster mask in there! No doubt leftover from some pagan ritual. Silly pagans. Rather Dashing grabbed up the scary monster mask. Man, this thing could scare a horse! And then, he slipped on the monster mask. And then, an archer near him gasped and said "You scared the crap outta Poor Gary! He broke on through to the other side!" "Oh, hi. I'm Mendelev," says the archer. "I used to run a shooting range here with my brother Dongolev. But we don't talk so much anymore. haven't seen him in a Jhonka's age. If you ever run into him, tell him I said 'haldo'. "You mean 'hello,'" Rather Dashing asks. 'Oh, um. No. Shut up. I said 'haldo' and I meant 'haldo.' Tell him I said 'haldo.'" said Mendelev.

Chapter 5

Mendelev stopped arching and turned to Rather Dashing. "My brother told you to tell me haldo? He must want to start the old business back up!" He picked out a really good one and yanked it from the tree. And then, Rather Dashing spotted a cottage. He gets some chicken feed. Rather Dashing used to eat this stuff like crazy when he were a kid and his parents weren't watching (which was all too often). He grabs several large handfuls. He went inside the cottage and found a lady with a baby. Nothing too special. Rather Dashing leaves the cottage until the baby lady said "Hey, you're on some quest right? Well, the little squirt here lost something of mine in the yard the other day. It's yours if you can find it." It was a rattle. And he threw it back to the baby lady. He ran to the bush to find some berries. But all of them squished in his hand. He ran to another bush, and grabbed the berries. But again, they squished in his hand.

Chapter 6

Rather Dashing reaches into the bush to snag some berries but instead, find a Super Trinket! These things are awesome! He has a sneaking suspicion that someone in this book will need this thing. He tosses the chicken feed into the lake. He sheds a tear for each one. "Goodbye, Monty." he sniffs. "Bye Delga, Rasputin. Farewell, Combledon!" and so forth. Woah! That crotchety old man just caught a pantload of fish! "Now I can get back to running the inn," he says and rows to shore and hauls his boat out and cleans, guts, and filets all the fish and a plethora of other stuff. Rather Dashing finds Mendelev and gives the Super Trinket to him. "That'll work," says Mendelev. Just hit 3 bullseyes and you win the SuperTime FunBow TM!" Rather Dashing shoots 3 bullseyes. "Nice shootin! 3 hits." says Mendelev. "Here's your prize!" Rather Dashing got the SuperTime FunBow TM! We don't sell ammo, so he has to find his own arrows for it.

Chapter 7

Rather Dashing found the Kerrek and shot him with the bow and arrow. ARROWED!! Nice shot. He smote the Kerrek! He lay there stinking. A light rain heralds the washing free of the Kerrek's grip on the land. Rather Dashing’s feeling pretty good, though, so the artless symbolism doesn't bug him. He strapped the Kerrek's belt buckle around his waist. Then, Rather Dashing jumped into a mud puddle. Now he’s done it! Rather Dashing is covered in sticky, albeit fine smelling, mud. His "Scalding Lake" T-shirt is all soiled, too. He just washed it last harvest! He jumps into the hay near the mud puddle. He had not known much better than a roll in the hay alone. He leaps in the hay like a two years old boy. Uh oh. The hay sticks to his muddy body. Rather Dashing's a walking hay bale! Just like that one guy from that one show!

Chapter 8

Then Rather Dashing ran to the Jhonka's cave. "Hey, nice disguise!" the Jhonka said. He doesn't seem to notice Rather Dashing. And then, Rather Dashing steals the Jhonka's riches! Oh OH! A stiff breeze blew all the hay and, surprisingly, the mud off of him! "You take my riches?!" growls the Jhonka. "Okay. Lemme know if you see riches anywhere," the Jhonka grunts and goes back to his hopping. And then, Rather Dashing spotted the baby lady's cottage and went in. "My riches!!" she screams and snatches up every last gold coin. "Thanks, sucker! Here you go!" she shoves the baby into Rather Dashing's hands and bolts out the door. He later learns that she does this all the time and is wanted throughout the countryside. Those riches probably WERE the Jhonka's and who knows whose baby that is. Well, it's his now. Rather Dashing leaves the cottage.

Chapter 9

Rather Dashing bolts to the lake. Something tells Rather Dashing this is a good idea and he lobs the little one into the lake. He won't be arrested after all! The little guy has resurfaced safely, carrying an old bottle of soda. He takes the soda and stow his swaddling buddy for takeoff. He puts the baby in a bucket and it quickly descends deep into the well. His is a black, black heart. He runs to the well and turns the crank. He hauls the bucket back up. Lucky for Rather Dashing, the baby is still in it and appears to be unscathed. As a bonus, it looks like he found a Meatball sub down there. Score! He takes the sub. Oh, and the baby. He takes the baby. Rather Dashing runs to an inn near his cottage. "Well lookit that little guy!" says the Innkeeper. "You want a treat, do ya? What do babies like?" He fishes around in his pockets. "Um, how bout my medication!" Rather Dashing grabs the bottle of pills before the Innkeeper can force them on the baby. "Hey, those were for him!"

Chapter 10

Rather Dashing finds a stone. He slides the stone over to reveal a little hole. If only he could cut off your arms, legs, and head, he might be able to squeeze through! He puts the baby in the hole. Way to go, baby! It got the cottage door opened and headed off to a new life. He becomes Valedictorian of his graduating class, goes to Scalding Lake State, gets a degree in Advanced Peasantry and lands a job at Thatch-Pro: building better cottages for a better tomorrow. Rather Dashing grows apart and the letters from him become fewer and fewer. The baby develops a severe mead problem and blames Rather Dashing for never being there. Rather Dashing runs to a drawer, and opens it. There's a vintage peasant robe in there! Just like grampa used to wear. He gets the robe. Rather Dashing closes the drawer. "Aww, how thoughtful and boring of him. Break into this peasant's home, steal his clothes, but remember to tidy up after himself. He's a real saint." said the older baby.

Chapter 11

Rather Dashing puts on the robe. It smells like grampa's lap. He goes to the inn, opens the door, and steps inside. "Okay, youngster," says the decrepit old person. "Just bed on down for the night and I'm sure I'll remember to collect the fee come morning." Night falls like a bad power point presentation. What an uncomfortable bed! Rather Dashing sleeps for maybe 20 minutes before the extreme pain in his spine forces him to get up. He reaches way up to the top shelf, gets a pot, then spills it. Oh great! Now Rather Dashing can't see a thing and his head is covered in highly flammable horse grease. He better get out of here before that disgusting old man comes back. Rather Dashing runs out of the inn. Phew! He discarded the big black pot and wiped the horse grease from his eyes. The hood of his robe is still covered in highly flammable horse grease, though.

Chapter 12

Rather Dashing walks under a candle, and his robe catches fire. Lookin good, Mr. Peasant. Good luck with ol' Beefy Arm up there. This is it! Rather Dashing can finally get revenge on Trogdor! Nice work so far, stupid! With a new determination he digs his fingers into the cliff face and begins to haul himself up the mountain like he was in a sports drink commercial! The mountain starts rumbling and big loose boulders start tumblin down. He'd best avoid thems. Nice jorb climbing the cliff. Rather Dashing has a real way with those arrow keys. "Foolish peasant! How dare you enter this fairly sacred chamber!” said one of the Three Keepers of Trogdor. Rather Dashing explains that he's here to smote Trogdor and if he doesn't get outta his way, him too! "You cannot vanquish Trogdor! Only the Three Keepers of Trogdor hold the tools with which to destroy the Burninator. The Trog-Shield, the Trog-Helmet, and the Trog-Sword. And the only way we'll give them up is if you answer the three Trog-Trivia questions correctly. Unless you happen to have something to eat on ya. Then we could forego my question." said another one of the Keepers of Trogdor.

Chapter 13

Rather Dashing answers the first question correctly, and gets the Trog-Shield. "Hold, peasant! You must answer the second dreaded Trog-Trivia question! Or we could call it even if I had an ice cold drink right now." said one of the Keepers of Trogdor. Rather Dashing answers the second question correctly and gets the Trog-Helmet. "Think you're pretty hot stuff, eh? Let's see you answer the deadly and pretty impossible THIRD TROG-TRIVIA QUESTION! That is, unless you've got something for my lower back. Man, it's killin me!" said another one of the keepers of Trogdor. Rather Dashing answers the third question correctly, and gets the Trog-Sword. The beaded curtain slams shut behind Rather Dashing. There's no turning back now.

Chapter 14

Rather Dashing finds Trogdor, and starts to battle him. This is it! He hurls the Trog-Sword with all his might at the sleeping Burninator. Now he’s done it! Trogdor's awake and the Trog-Sword doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot. Rather Dashing's legs lock in fear, his eyes glaze over and he wishes for some Depeasant adult undergarments. But he thinks he hears Trogdor whimpering! Aw crap, that's Rather Dashing whimpering. At least his voice still works, I guess. He screams that your name is Rather Dashing and that Trogdor burninated his cottage and he's here for revenge! "Sup, mortal," booms Trogdor. "I really appreciate you making the effort to come all the way up here and vanquish me and all. But, I'm kinda indestructible." "Yeah, I can't be killed. I'm surprised nobody mentioned that to you. I'll admit though, you've gotten farther than anybody else ever has. I bet they'll make a statue or something in honor of you somewheres." said Rather Dashing. "I can honestly say it'll be a pleasure and an honor to burninate you, Rather Dashing." said Trogdor. Aw that sure was nice of him!

The End!