Other Chiropractor Email Gent Delabor/quack

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Summary[edit | edit source]

Gent finds inspiration from an incomprehensible email.

Cast (in order of appearance): Gent Delabor, Leg Delabor, A duck

Places: Gent's Parents' Basement

Page Title: We're not dead!!

Release Date: May 5, 2020

Transcript[edit | edit source]

GENT DELABOR: Your ipunt is very important to us! Please post your feedback (except for Metal Machine Music) and I will answer.

Quack Quack,
Quack quack quack
Quack quack quackkk.
Quack,
Quack

GENT DELABOR: {befuddled} Quack? What could he possibly mean by-- {does a double take} Wait! Okay. Genos at work here. This is an crypted message! I need the key to deslifer it.

{he clears the screen and opens his website}

GENT DELABOR: Aha! Crypto is also a current see! And what I currently see is THORAXCORP.COM!! And when THORAX is insight, it's too late to scream!!!

{wide shot, Gent gets up from his seat}

GENT DELABOR: The future is tomorrow! But in this very year of... uhh 2002, I will invent the world's first VIRTUAL STARDOM STOCKINGS CHANGE! {calls out} LEG!

LEG DELABOR: {offscreen} Yes?

GENT DELABOR: Fetch me my crayons!

LEG DELABOR: I think you've fundamentally misunderstood--

GENT DELABOR: {interrupting} Fetch thems!

LEG DELABOR: Er, right away.

GENT DELABOR: Stardom marches through my veins like giant radioactive rubber pants!

{fade out to another advertisement, as words fly onto the screen}

GENT DELABOR: {voiceover} Blockchain. Crowdfunding. Monetization.

{cut to Gent}

GENT DELABOR: These are all words I can't spell. If you can, you're a NERD! Inducing our latest and straightest PRODUKT(tm), THORAXKOIN!

{an image of the crayon-scribbled coins appears on screen)

GENT DELABOR: These koins are crand hafted by our finest Delabors, and scanned on our mom's Lexmark copier. The koins are thusly applauded into the cloud. From there, the clouds reign down cash DIRECTLY INTO YOUR WALLET!!!

{an image of coins raining from clouds appears}

GENT DELABOR: But Second Income Streeps are only the big inning. This tecology also handles Second Stardom Streams all the way!!! That's right, you can by and sell Total Stardom as easy as one two C!!

{a graph appears, with one axis labeled STARDOM and the other labeled YOU}

GENT DELABOR: Security? WHO NEEDS IT!! Our panted blockchain is resistant to all forms of cyber tacks, and reaches all the way from my bed to the hallway! That's right!! We used every Duplo in the tub!!

{a picture of the "blockchain" appears}

GENT DELABOR: Mary Perry of West Memphis raves, "Thanks to THORAX, my kitchen blew up and took out a support beam! Of STARDOM!" No, we don't have video. Stop asking!

{a badly drawn "artist's rendition" of Mary Perry appears}

GENT DELABOR: Who has time to widen your money belt the old fashioned way? Let THORAX CORPORATION LLC,,. force feed you gruel until your belt explodes off of you! The dry heaves mean it's working!!!!!

{cut to Gent}

GENT DELABOR: How do you take a vantage of this offer? Think dwize! If you suckle at THORAX' bosom, Gent will suckle at your THORAX. Here's a step by step in suction:

- Browse your Nedscape to THORAXCORPDOTCOM.
- Sign-up for free PRODUKT(tm) offers and targeted spamvertainment!
- Take care of that thing on your nose. No, other side! Yeah, there.
- To begin trading in THORAXKOIN, send a blank check to Gent Delabor, Sr., 403 Figgis St., Mundelow, PA 80808.
- Now pretend your eyes hard enough.
- You are now a part of the fastest glowing market on the money!! Go stark raving naked!!

{the scene changes back to Gent at his computer}

GENT DELABOR: So there you have it, Belinda. I got five--

{he is interrupted by a loud quack}

GENT DELABOR: --eh??

{zoom out to reveal a duck who quacks at Gent}

GENT DELABOR: Whaaat? Some small headed monsterman? Why are you in my executive orifice?

{the duck quacks}

GENT DELABOR: Are you here to actuate your Total Stardom potential?

{the duck steals the sandwich on his table and waddles off}

GENT DELABOR: HEY! That was a tax right-off! I'll fit you in the finest velour lawsuit! {grumbles} Stupid temp workers.

back to front

References[edit | edit source]

  • Metal Machine Music is an album composed by Lou Reed of pure guitar feedback.
  • The radioactive rubber pants line references the pilot of Invader Zim.
  • Duplo is a variation of Lego designed for younger children.
  • "Pretend your eyes hard enough" is from Hector and Kovitch.