Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/Of Malls and Men

(We open with Honstlar driving his car, a hybrid with fully functional space travel circuits, to the Bubs Brothers MegaMall with Gfd tagging along in a sidecar like the ones seen on motorcycles.)
Gfd: Oh, man! I can't wait to push that new Dairy Queen to its limits!
Honstlar: Me neither. Last time we went to DQ, you somehow completed 7 internet challenges by eating 1 Blizzard!
Gfd: That was the best Thanksgiving ever.
(Honstlar parks the car and then we cut to an interior shot of the MegaMall.)
Honstlar: Let us partake in our wonderous spree.
(The two dash off.)
Gfd: Ooh, an electronics store! Those games look delicious!
Honstlar: Uh...
Gfd: Ooh, a clothing store! That fabric looks delicious!
Honstlar: Uh, Gfd, we didn't come here just so you could eat everything.
Gfd: I don't see why not!
Honstlar: {sigh} Let's just look around and buy stuff. Which shop should we go to first?
Gfd: How about Sharper Image?
Honstlar: Perfect! I love the Sharper Images selection of useless tech. It's like SkyMall!
(We cut to the inside of the Sharper Image.)
Honstlar: Look at this selection! Hot tub washing machines, choice cuts made of cheese,
Gfd: Oh joy!
Honstlar: Robot dinosaurs that dispense Pepsi, and of course, alien boxing gloves.
Gfd: Check out this Rubik's Cube!
(Gfd completes the puzzle that then folds out into a bunk bed.)
Honstlar: Ooh, the Model 2 Rubik's Futon.
Gfd: Hey look! A robotic coat-hanger!
Honstlar: A calculator that burninates anyone you don't like!
Gfd: A cheese ball with one arm!!
Honstlar: This is a weird store.
Gfd: A duck with seven tennis rackets taped to its face!
Honstlar: I thought this was a useless tech store.
Gfd: I guess we were proven wrong.
(The two walk off holding a stacked up pile of the stuff they mentioned)
Honstlar: I have so many Labor Saving Devices, I can order pizza, set up my TiVo, and cut Play-Doh hair from the comfort of my massage chair!
Gfd: Hey, let's head to the Babbage's!
Honstlar: The one where those two fat guys got into a fierce Nintendo Switch/Videlectrix Swap debate?
Gfd: THE VERY SAME!
{They walk inside}
Honstlar: What? They don't got no Turbografx games?!
Gfd: Look! We can play all types of games here! 
{Gfd looks at a wall covered with TV screens, each showing a different game}
Gfd: Which one do you want to play?
Honstlar: I'm up for a round of PlayStation!
Gfd: Soo-weet!
Honstlar: Which jame?
Gfd: Let's do Super Duper Pooper Cooper Bario Uncles!
Honstlar: My flavorite!
(An insane looking Mario clone is shown)
Honstlar: We got Kopakabanna on our tails!
Gfd: Enter the secret debug code the devs forgot to remove!
Honstlar: Up, Left, Half-Circle, L2, Triangle, R3, Select!
(Kopakabanna explodes into a Ferarri.)
Bario: Wee-wee!
Chewwy: Let's go get ze princess!
(The two bootlegs speed off.)
Gfd: Aww, sweet! A warp!
{Gfd presses a button, sending Super Bario into the Teleport Tube}
Gfd: Aw man! A Gloomba!
Honstlar: If you jump on it, maybe you can get a 1-Up Legume!
(Bario squashes the evil hazelnut and a green legume appears in its place that Bario quickly collects.)
Honstlar: Even better, a 9-Up
Gfd: This is the best knick-knack-knockoff I've ever played.
Honstlar: We're definitely getting this game.
(A beam of light emits from Honstlar's hat scanning the PlayStation.)
Gfd: What was that?
Honstlar: I copied the save from the demo unit so we can continue when we get home.
Gfd: You DO always come prepared!
Honstlar: What do I keep tellin' ya?
Both: (Laughing)
Gfd: Come on, let's try the XBOX.
Honstlar: We are definitely playing Cuphead.
Gfd: Good thing I've come prepared as well! 
{His hat turns into a cup}
Gfd: Now I am Cuphead.
Honstlar: Let's just play. 
{The game turns on as the opening credits appear, similar to the Old-Timey toons:}
CUPHEAD IN
AN "ELECTRONIC GAME"
FOR "KIDS"

"CUPHEAD"
copyright 1930
Singers: Well, Cuphead and his pal Mugman, they like to roll the dice.
And also unbeknownst to some, they really like to kill mice!
Mugstlar: No, we don't!
Cupgarb: That doesn't matter, what does is getting those contracts!
{Cupgarb presses a button and a "YOU WIN!" screen appears} 
Cupgarb: Oops. I won.
Mugstlar: Hng— bj— hvduhb— jgidtb— the game hasn't even started!
{Blue blobs appear}
Mugstlar: Well folks, you know what this means...
Both: WALLOP!
(Bullets of light start firing from the duos cupheads)
Cupgarb: Hey, cool! These glassfaces can shoot lasers. Ptoo! Pshoo!
Mugstlar: Watch out, it's a....potato?!?
(The potato laughs and starts spitting out various forms of ammo. (Some of them even glow pink!))
Cupgarb: I've got this!
(Cupgarb jumps on a glowing worm and gets bounced up to hit the potato in the head.)
Mugstlar: Nice parry, Cuphead!
Cupgarb: Parry? I always called it the "Jump on Pink Things and Make Good Things Happen" move.
{They go through a door and find themselves in front of the end boss: a bowl of sentient donut glaze}
Glaze Monster: (In a menacing voice) BLARGH!!
Mugstlar: AHH! That thing sure don't act like Lusjelton!
{Mugstlar kicks the boss and fires lasers at it, but nothing happens}
Mugstlar: How do we defeat this guy?
Cupgarb: Oh, it'll be no problem. No problem at all... 
{He ties a napkin under his head and gets out a fork and spoon}
Cupgarb: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!
Glaze Monster: NOOOOOOO!
Cupgarb: {queasily} Oog. Remind me to stop eating giant bowls of sentient donut glaze.
(A contract dings into existence)
Mugstlar: Yes! One down, 27 more to go.
Cupgarb: Here's an idea, how about we buy the game first and find the rest of those contracts later?
Mugstlar: OK.
(Cut back to the real world as Gfd puts Cuphead in the bag.)
Gfd: This is gettin' great! What else styles should we play of?    
Honstlar: NIIIIIIIIIIIIIINTENDO!
Gfd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
(Cut to the title screen of a familiar N64 game)
Announcer: SUPER SMAAAAAAASSSSHHH BROTHERRRRRRRRRRRRSS!!
Gfd: Oh. Them ol' game tapes? That's nothing. You gotta use the cheat code if you want it to be any fun! {presses Left, Right, B, Right, L1 + Select, X, Square, 2, Squiggly, 3.14159, and Applesauce}
Honstlar What's that cheat code do?
Announcer: SUPER SMAAAAAAASSSSHHH BROTERRRNAL ORDER OF DIFFERENT BROTHERS!!
(We cut to a shot of the Battlefield with Honstlar as Young Link and Gfd as...... Kirby)
Announcer: Oh man, this should take a while!
{Garby inhales Linkstlar}
Announcer: Oh.
(Linkstlar gets spit back out as a Link hat appears on Garbys head.)
Garby: What was that?
Linkstlar: That was your copy ability, you have one of my powers now.
Garby: Now I am... Garblinkstlary!
Linkstlar: Too long, Garblinkstlary, too long.
Garby: You dare question my portmanteaus!?!
(Garby starts beating the crap out of Linkstlar in a classic cartoon smoke cloud.)
Linkstlar: Ow, my clavicus majoris!!
Garby: Oh man, this is a way improvement over the last time we fought!
{Cut to "Waddlemania", where the Tongue Twister being beaten by Waddlem'n... even though Waddlem'n isn't doing anything}
Waddlem'n: {sitting with his feet up on a table, drinking water with an umbrella in it} I think I'm winning!
{Cut back to Super Smash Broternal Order of Different Bros.}
Garby: I sure wish I could keep these Kirby-style powers.
Linkstlar: Say no more, cause I've got ya covered.
(Linkstlar pulls out a crystal ball.)
Linkstlar: Eat this orb.
Garby: You know I always will!
(Garby eats the orb which turns him back to normal. The orb then reappears.)
Gfd: What just happened?
Linkstlar: The Kirby Orb happened. Now you can just eat the orb, and you can be Garby for as long as you want.
Gfd: SWEET!
Linkstlar: Come on, let's check out and move on to the next store.
Gfd: Yeah, we can't have this episode be entirely made of video game spoofs.
(The two walk out of Babbage's with several bags filled with games and also the Kirby Orb.)
Gfd: Where to next?
Honstlar: The food court!
Gfd: Hallelujah!
(Cut to the huge food court.)
Gfd: I'm in heaven.
Honstlar: To Dairy Queen, AND BEYOND!
{Cut to Dairy Queen. The cashier looks identical to the Blockbuster Guy and the Champly's Sugarman Guy from Helmet Quest 2.}
Gfd: 'Scuse me, Mr. Queen. I'll have everything!
Cashier: Uh, you mean one of everything?
Gfd: Nope, I mean everything of everything. If it's in the kitchen, give it to me!
Cashier: That doesn't sound very safe...
Gfd: Trust me, I'm a renowned eating expert in no less than severalty-nine countries! I've eaten sentient—
Cashier: Mmkay, that'll be $7,256,439,051.99.
Gfd: And triple-size it!
Cashier: I'm sorry, we can't do that. You bought everything we have.
Gfd: Fine. I'll just order everything from all the other stores.
Cashier: All right. {points outside} Your order's out back.
{Honstlar and Gfd walk outside, where Gfd's order is waiting inside several large trucks}
Honstlar: Geez, Gfd, where do you get all this money?
Gfd: Oh, it's not mine. {starts eating the trucks}
Honstlar: Well, I gotta eat too!
French Narrator: One Absurd Food Court Order Later...
(Cut to Honstlar eating the contents of two large trucks with the McDonalds arches.)
Honstlar: This is awesome! Wanna head down to the Thorax Storax?
Gfd: Sure! Right after my 127th brain freeze goes away.
(Cut to the Apple Store wannabe filled with "Produckts")
Honstlar: Finally, all the tools we need to achieve global stardom!
Gfd: Legend has it that this produkt was patented by Leg Delabor himslef! ...Himself.
Honstlar: Hey, a PDA!
(Honstlar touches the device and it bursts into flames)
Honstlar: And... the battery has already exploded.
(The rest of the PDA explodes.)
Honstlar: Ow, my porgadon!
Gfd: Gasp! Is that...
{Cut to a blurred human figure in a suit, sitting behind a desk in the store}
Honstlar: Nah, that's just Blurry McFlurry. Gent Delabor's over there.
Gfd: Mr. Delabor! I'm such a big fan.
Gent Delabor: Why thenk you, little blue man!!!Would you care for a atta graff(TM)?!? Bye dems on thoraxcorp dot com TODAY!!!
Gfd: What an honor! Tell me, how's Rode been doing?
Gent: Not too bad, my PRODUKTS(TM)-buying frend!!I'm a frayed he broke his LEG last Satursday!!!!
Honstlar: Oh. Poor Leg.
Gent: Well I must get back to running my million-dollar corporation, so see you a thyme! Dont forget THORAXCORP "dot"com to buy our PRODUKTS(TM) for all the latest styles for you and your not-so-cool friends!!!TOTAL STARDOM!!!!!!!!!
Gfd: What a nice feller.
Honstlar: I could understand a lick of his talkspeak.
Gfd: What say we mosey on to the next shop?
Honstlar: An exquisite proposition, I must say. {looks to his left} Wha' 'bou that one?
Gfd: "Fashion Chaps"?
Honstlar: It's a clothes store owned by The Brothers Chaps themselves!
Gfd: The Brothers Who?
{Crickets chirp for several seconds}
Honstlar: Come along now, Gerbles.
Gfd: This'll be fun. I love fish 'n chips!
Honstlar: Wow, look at all these bootleg T-Shirts!
Gfd: Ooh, a Bort Sumpsing!
(Pulls out a T-Shirt featuring Bort with a speech balloon saying "Consume my belt, dudeez!")
Honstlar: That's nothing compared to this Horhey of the Gungle one!
Gfd: "Avoid the log"? I just found the name of my biopic.
Gfd: {sees a black armless shirt with a firey lowercase "g"} Ooh! Lookadis! It's perfect for me! I'm a new man! Or at least a regular man. With a new shirt.
{He puts it on, but the design isn't visible}
Gfd: Gwa-hey! What happened to my great great shirt?
Honstlar: I, uh, think you put—
Gfd: {looks at his back} Oh no! They put the design on the wrong side! Well, time to try another shirt.
{Cut to a clock ticking. Then cut to Gfd talking to an employee, who looks identical to the three cashiers.}
Gfd: Mr. Employee, I have a severe promblem with this store.
Employee: {monotone} And what would that be sir.
Gfd: All of your shirts are backwards. I've tried every single one, and I can't seem to find a forwards shirt anywheres!
{Pause}
Employee: {monotone} Um sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
Gfd: And another thing. Why are all your shoes on the wrong feet?
{Zoom out to reveal expensive sneakers on Gfd's feet, bent in odd ways}
Employee: {monotone} Security.
Honstlar: {offscreen} Whoa, Geefdee, look at this!
Gfd: 'Scuse me a second. {walks off}
Employee: {monotone} Uh thank you have a nice day at Fashion Chaps when am I getting paid I quit I'm going home now. {leaves}
(Cut to the inside of a Sleep Number)
Gfd: So what you're saying is, I can control how soft this matress is?
Honstlar: Just a press of a button.
Gfd: I'll take 10.
(They walk off with a pile of matresses but with one missing, also Gfd is holding a remote.)
Honstlar: Now now, you don't wanna spoil your supper.
Gfd: You don't mean...
(Cut to Macy's)
Gfd: AHHHH!
(Gfd runs into the store with elegence and speed)
Honstlar: Yes, Garbles, there is a Santam'n.
(Cue a montage of Gfd eating everything in sight set to "The 1812 Overture")
(Cut to the outside of the mall where the two are thrown out by Bubs and Original Bubs a la UHF.)
Honstlar: Thanks for getting us to where we parked!
Original Bubs: Anytime, also I can see both of you from here.
Bubs: That'll be 10 dollars.
Gfd: On it!
(He pulls out a tenner and folds it into a airplane.)
Bubs: Thank you for shopping Bubs Brothers!
Honstlar: Well that was a fun experience.
Original Bubs: And here's the receipt!
(A large folded up strip of paper falls on Honstlar.)
Honstlar: But let's try going to the chiropractor before we do this again.
(Shave and a haircut, two points!)
END.
(A cursor clicks on the period, then a newspaper entitled "The Weekly Midnight Star" flys towards the screen, stories include "Frog Boy STILL On The Loose", "Middle American Exploits Happy Birthday's Public Domain Status", and of course the headline, "Chiropractor's Networth Increase Thanks To Big Spender")
END FOR REALS.