Inanimate Objects in Decidedly Non-Inanimate Situations/Episode 9



Description: The objects must get this bread.

Transcript
''{It's a chilly day in The Field. The eliminated objects are shooting the breeze with their peers still in the game}''

ONION BUBS: I think the last thing you need to do is get rid of the old habits and start to move forward with the new, easier, more fun opportunities.

F-SACK: Onion Bubs, you're a regular life coach.

ONION BUBS: I should start chargin'!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {peeking behind Cardboard Marzipan} I'll take twelve!

ONION BUBS: Heh heh.

{He sees The Paper's printer hanging out awkwardly next to him}

THE PAPER: {prints out} > *whistles inconspicuously.

ONION BUBS: What you looking at?

THE PAPER: > nothin'! I certainly didn't change our team's name to The Papers while you were gone!

HUMIDIBOT: The Lappier wouldn't let him!

THE PAPER: > SHUSH!!

{The Lappier rappels down from a rope in the sky}

LAPPIER: Dramatic entrance!

DOREAUXGARD: What's the scoop?

LAPPIER: First, I got a big announcement. {clears his throat} Ahem. The teams are gone!!

{The objects mutter in confusion}

LAPPIER: Yeah buddy. From now on, it's every object for themself. Which means everybody competes. And winner gets immunity from being voted!

{Scotty Titi stares forward}

DOREAUXGARD: Yeah, your days are numbered, kid.

LAPPIER: So are yours! Because only one gets to rejoin.

{The current contestants step back, leaving Tony Stony, Trivia Time, Onion Bubs, The Paper, Doreauxgard, and Humidibot to rest on the benches}

LAPPIER: It's Vote 'em Ups.

{A new theme begins to play}

STRONG BAD: {singing} The teams are gone So girl, let's go out to my neighbor's lawn and set fire to some stuff I'll bring Solo cups I'm tired of this song so come on and vote 'em up

TRIVIA TIME: {barks, runs in a circle and sits down}

LAPPIER: This time, there's no cake. Instead, I eliminate contestants until one remains. First up!

{The vacuum tube lowers down above the contestants}

LAPPIER: First one down... Trivia Time! Sorry, no dog people in the audience.

TRIVIA TIME: {whimpers}

{The tube sucks him up and returns him to the penalty game}

LAPPIER: I'm looking at... {moves a pointed finger back and forth} Tony Stony! Guy has the personality of a stone.

{The tube moves over Tony Stony and sucks him up}

LAPPIER: It's time for the next elimination, and... Humidibot!

HUMIDIBOT: WAH!

LAPPIER: Say goodbye to Doreauxgard! Because he's goin'!

HUMIDIBOT: ...Huh?

DOREAUXGARD: Augh, the bait n' switch!

{He gets sucked up}

LAPPIER: Now, not to ruin the surprise, but... it's a three way tie again.

ONION BUBS: Make up your minds, people!

LAPPIER: I will run the random generator program again.

{A progress bar appears on his monitor}

LAPPIER: {on his monitor} The Paper Current status: HE GONE

THE PAPER: > Be gentle with me!

{The tube has trouble sucking up the heavy printer, but does so}

LAPPIER: {on his monitor} Humidibot

HUMIDIBOT: WAH! Not again!

LAPPIER: {on his monitor} Current status: WELCOME BACK, BUDDY!

HUMIDIBOT: ...Huh?

ONION BUBS: I'll get my revenge on you, random number generation!

{He gets sucked up and the vacuum tube raises out of sight}

HUMIDIBOT: You had me scared for a second!

LAPPIER: Dramatic effect.

F-SACK: So... what do we do this episode?

LAPPIER: Today's competition is to see who can make the most money in one day.

F-SACK: That sounds like fun! Let's do it!

{The contestants split up and brainstorm how to make the most money}

FRANK BENNEDETTO: Sounds like a Homestarmy fundraiser is in order.

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Eat at Blubb-O's!

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: This sounds hard. Must be some odd thing I can sell...

''{Scotty Titi just sits there. Humidibot rolls up to him}''

HUMIDIBOT: Hey, you coming? The episode's started.

{Scotty Titi stares}

HUMIDIBOT: Uh... let's form an alliance! I can help you!

{Scotty doesn't react}

HUMIDIBOT: The Bot n' Scot Connection! We'll split the profits. Now I just have to figure out how to get any profits...

{Cut to F-Sack, who has come to Bubs' Concession Stand}

F-SACK: Boss man, I need work and I need it fast.

BUBS: {rubs his chin} Hmm. What kinda skills you got?

F-SACK: I got a silky, lovely voice and a biting wit.

BUBS: Well, I wouldn't put you on register, due to the smell, but I got somethin' else. How are you on the phone?

F-SACK: A regular smooth operator!

BUBS: Friend, you just got yourself hired!

{Meanwhile, Frank Bennedetto is with Strong Sad, Homsar and Painting of a Guy with a Big Knife with their Homestarmy helmets}

FRANK BENNEDETTO: So... what kind of fundraiser we doing this year? Carol singing? Engraved bricks?

STRONG SAD: Ugh, I don't like that you talk now! It's creepin me out!

HOMSAR: Dyah, he's my walkie talkie man!

FRANK BENNEDETTO: Noted, soldier. In the absence of our Col-o-nel, I propose we go back to basics and do a bake sale.

STRONG SAD: Ooh. It's been a while since I made my {very exaggerated accent} Blitzkuchen.

FRANK BENNEDETTO: {turns his head} Homsar?

HOMSAR: DaAaAa I'll bring the stippled grip tape!

FRANK BENNEDETTO: I remember now why Homestar doesn't do these often.

{Next, in Marzipan's house, Cardboard Marzipan is searching through some junk in the closet}

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Hmm... wonder if these crappy old paintings of mine are worth anything...

{Marzipan, the original, walks in with an exhausted expression}

MARZIPAN: {sigh} What, pray tell, are you doing in my house with that cardboard nonsense?

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: I'm just looking through my old junk for something saleable.

MARZIPAN: Homestar, that's my old junk.

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Am I ever gonna watch this blu-ray of Entourage The Movie again?

MARZIPAN: You know... probably not.

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Hooray! I'm glad I agree!

MARZIPAN: Let me in there. I need to sort this stuff.

''{Next, the Drive-Thru Whale is all alone in his spot in the field. He waits for a few seconds... and the King of Town walks up}''

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Welcome to Blubb-O's!

KING OF TOWN: Listen, I'm in post-Thanksgiving withdrawal and I need grease so bad I'm shaking. Gimme one of everything, and make it super size!

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Would you like extra lies with that?

KING OF TOWN: Lye? Yeah, some of that, too!

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Spank you, that will be 9 royal treasures, sir.

KING OF TOWN: {his crown flies up in surprise} Royal treasures?! You drive a hard bargain.

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Please ascend and eat the sky.

KING OF TOWN: Oh, if only I could! I'll have to come back... I left my royal treasures in my other regal robe.

{He exits, yelling "doo hoo hoo!"}

''{Next, Humidibot and Scotty Titi... are having a hard time thinking of an idea}''

HUMIDIBOT: Gee, I've never made money before. I'm satisfied just humidifying and saying "I'm Humidibot".

{Scotty Titi stares back}

HUMIDIBOT: Hm, what's this on the ground?

{He picks up a coin off the ground}

HUMIDIBOT: A penny. You can have it.

{He gives it to Scotty Titi}

HUMIDIBOT: Yay, you made money! That's one cent for you and none cents for me. {thinks for a second} Let's buy something and try and sell it for more than we bought it.

{They exit stage right and the scene changes back to Bubs' Concession Stand}

F-SACK: {on the phone} Ma'am, tell me what happened in detail?

{pause}

F-SACK: You found WHAT in your bag of chippity chomps?!

{Humidibot and Scotty enter}

BUBS: Hey, customer.

HUMIDIBOT: What can I get for this?

{He gives Bubs the penny}

BUBS: {inspects it} Hmm. This ain't no money. It's a token to Numb Thumbs.

HUMIDIBOT: Oh! Oh wow! I could win big with this one token!

{He takes it back and leaves with Scotty}

HUMIDIBOT: Let's go!

{F-Sack pops in from the back of the concession stand}

F-SACK: Phew. Now that I'm an employee, how well's this job paying me?

BUBS: Right. Your wage.

{He produces a check and gives it to F-Sack}

F-SACK: {reading it} Hey. This says "Bubs' Exposure Bucks".

BUBS: Redeemable at any Bubs' Concession Stand location!...Meaning, just this one. "If anybody asks, it's not company scrip!"(c)

{Back to Marzipan's house}

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: I don't need this old hot plate.

MARZIPAN: Ooh, and this old frog fisherman doll.

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Anything sold yet?

MARZIPAN: The Yonder Website barely-any-action figures just sold for a cool 30 bucks.

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Hooray! I'll win this competition for sure!

MARZIPAN: {raise an eyebrow} Competition? Is this for that Decidedly Objects show again?

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: No, yeah, no. I never said nothin'.

{Outside, the King of Town is walking with armfuls of treasure}

KING OF TOWN: This better be worth it.

FRANK BENNEDETTO: {heard from offscreen} Bake sale! Get your grody ethnic baked goods here!

KING OF TOWN: Oh?

{He changes direction and walks the other way}

KING OF TOWN: Baked goods are closer... less far to walk!

{He arrives at the Homestarmy's bake sale}

HOMSAR: Name your piston, mallomar!

KING OF TOWN: How much for the whole kit and caboodle, tablecloth and all?

STRONG SAD: Hang on. Where's my calculator...

KING OF TOWN: Never mind that! Do you take royal treasures?

FRANK BENNEDETTO: That can be arranged.

KING OF TOWN: Deal!

{He shoves a bunch of treasures into Frank's hands}

FRANK BENNEDETTO: Your generosity is appreciated.

{Meanwhile, Humidibot and Scotty make their last stand at Numb Thumbs}

HUMIDIBOT: I'm telling you! The Bot n' Scot Connection! That should be a t-shirt! Now what game do we play?

{Scotty doesn't answer}

HUMIDIBOT: I expected as much. "Wacky Ducks" it is then.

''{He rolls himself over to the machine and insets the token. Once the game begins, he plays hard and is able to knock over almost all the ducks}''

STRONG BAD: {singing} It's a showdown number two Gotta git gud Showdown number two!

WACKY DUCKS GAME: WINNER!

{It spits out a bunch of tickets}

HUMIDIBOT: We're rich! This must be at least enough to buy the spinning colored light thingy!

{He takes the tickets and splits them with Scotty Titi, then exits}

{Back in the field}

LAPPIER: {ringing a big bell} Time! Everyone stop shaking your money makers and come back here!

{The contestants arrive at the scene and gather together}

LAPPIER: Now it's time to count the winnings. Let's start with Humidibot, and Scotty Titi who was working together with him.

HUMIDIBOT: {holds up a pile of tickets} Tickets!

LAPPIER: Let's see. Converted into cash monies, all those tickets are worth... 12 dollars.

HUMIDIBOT: That's all?

LAPPIER: That's why they ask 75,000 of them for the biggest prize. Alright, Cardboard Marzipan?

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Made 45 dollars selling some old nick knacks online.

LAPPIER: That's respectable. Drive-Thru Whale?

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: All transactions must be battery operated.

LAPPIER: Doesn't look like you made any money at all. F-Sack, I'm lookin at you.

F-SACK: {holding up Exposure Bucks} My employer has generously provided me with these.

LAPPIER: According to the Commerce Report, those coupons are worth... negative 525 dollars.

F-SACK: Horse puckey!

LAPPIER: And finally, Frank Bennedetto.

FRANK BENNEDETTO: {showing off his treasures} Since I'm the only one with priceless artifacts, I am obviously--

COL-O-NEL HOMESTAR RUNNER: {pokes his head in} Fall in line, soldier!

FRANK BENNEDETTO: {salutes} Uh, sir yes sir!

{The plastic bowl-wearing Homestar walks up and takes one of the treasures}

COL-O-NEL HOMESTAR RUNNER: It is the policy of the Homestarmy that all funds raised from fundraisers are property of the Homestarmy senior officer. But since you made such a valiant effort, I'll give you a bonus on your wages for this month.

{He writes on a piece of paper and hands it to Frank}

FRANK BENNEDETTO: This is a recipe for onion dip... written on a dirty napkin.

COL-O-NEL HOMESTAR RUNNER: Spend it responsibly, soldier! Dismissed!

{He smacks his bowl helmet with the wooden spoon and exits the scene}

LAPPIER: Ooh. Since Frank didn't technically get to keep his money, that means CARDBOARD MARZY is the winner for today!

{The screen changes to a display showing the contestants up for elimination}

LAPPIER: Cardboard Marzipan has immunity this time. That means Frank Bennedetto, Drive-Thru Whale, F-Sack, Scotty Titi, and Humidibot are up on the chopping block. Pick one to get the boot! The choice is yours, and yours alone!

{In the post credits scene, Homestar takes a bath in a bathtub filled with gold coins and the King of Town's treasures, as well as wearing his Broternal Order helmet}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Man-o-man. All this old gold is gonna turn my skin green. Finally, I can be just like guacamole!