Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/Reality is Stinky

While driving to a Sun Fights convention, the Pillmobile accidentally transports the BODH to the real world where they have to save their real-world counterparts from an evil organization.

The following transcript has not been formatted. {Fade in to the Pillmobile driving down a highway. Cut to the inside.} So where are we going again? Weren't you listening for the last several hours? We were talking about it the whole time. Sorry. I just kind of blacked out since the last episode. As it happens. We're going to Atlanta for StarCon! You mean the big Sun Fights convention held every time Mucusfilm screws with the franchise? Yup! Never heard of it. Well, that's no worry, because we'll be there in five minutes! It's a left turn at Figgis Street. {Cut to SRMX12, who's driving} Did you say left? I thought you told me to go right. No, it's definitely left. Oh. Well. About that. Um. Em. Er. It's fine, we can turn right when we get there. The thing is... we already passed that street. And I turned right. WHAT?! You need to speak more clearly! You were all mumbly when you were telling me the directions. All right, I'm sorry. Just turn around. Can't. There's only one lane. Well, this is the worst. Where are we going now? Not sure. It's not even on the map. We're entering uncharted territory. You mean to say, in all the years of human existence, no one ever thought to go right here? I guess not. It's completely unknown. Well, this is really the worst. Maybe we should speed through this. Good idea. Garbles, engage turbo boosters! {Gfd pulls out the remote.} On it! {Gfd pushes a button and the Pillmobile speeds off, causing everyone to fall back.} These aren't the turbo boosters, these are clearly the Burbo Toosters. What button did you press anyway? Just the big purple one. THAT DOESN'T HAVE A PURPLE BUTTON! Well, it does now. We must be entering a quantum astrodimensional vortex! It causes reality to warp in strange ways! And that button just activated a wormhole to another dimension! Well, where ever we're going to... (Cut to the Pillmobile drifting in a light purple vortex.) ...I hope they have life insurance! {The Pillmobile lands in a field of milkshakes and giant hamsters} Hey look! We've entered the Milkshakes-and-Giant-Hamsters Dimension! This is boring. I'ma press the purple button again. {presses it} WAIT! {The Pillmobile voips to a live action underground parking lot. The characters walk out as humans.} Now look what you did. Wahh! We're hideous! AHHH! FINGERS! HANDS! ELBOWS! {Homestar runs out of the Pillmobile screaming.} WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! {Homestar runs into a support pillar.} Ow. Why do we all look like pink monstrosities?! As a human, I find that offensive. But seriously though, where are we? This don't look nothin' like Free Country. Not sure. Let's take a look around. Indeed, accomplice! WAH! Dooble looks so much uglier and creepier when he's not a cartoon! Jibblie jibblie. Don't paste it! I can smell a chance! {They walk out of the parking lot into a bustling city} Come on, guys, this isn't that bad. I've nary seen so many a building! Free Country just has a bunch of giant green circles in the background. Still not sure where we are. Let's ask this passersby. {to person} Excuse me, what dimension are we currently in? PERSON: Pardon? What. Dimension. Are. We. Currently. In? Person: Dimension? You weirdos have been reading too many comics. And what's "Honstlar"? Is it a new techno band? Nah, you're probably thinking of Honest Liar. PERSON: Huh, never heard of it. I'll be sure to check it out when I get home. {starts to leave} No hey wait! You still didn't answer my question. The dimension thing. PERSON: Oh, oh sorry. Uh... the universe, I guess? I— I don't know what to tell you. Where are you guys from? Born and raised in Free Country, USA! PERSON: I'm from the free country USA as well. Well, I have to go. {leaves} Wait! Do you know where we can find a blender and a Game Boy so we can teleport back to the Homestar Runner universe? PERSON: {walks slightly faster} He probably went to go get it. {They catch up to the person} You getting us that Game Blender? PERSON: I'm not sure what you're talking about. That's fine. We'll get it ourselves. Can you just direct us to the nearest concession stand? PERSON: What? Concession stand. Y'know, for to buy things. PERSON: Uh, there aren't many concession stands just out in the open. They're usually at events, like ball games and stuff. Then where do people buy their quality goods? PERSON: Um, grocery stores? Well, thanks for the advice, good sir! {The person runs away} {typing at his computer} Guys! I think I know where we are! Tell us! We're in— Tell us! Okay. This dimension is— Come on, tell us! I can't take the suspense! I'm telling you right now. This place is called— Just tell us! Why aren't you saying it? I don't have all day. The r— Tell us! The real world! Tell us! I did. Oh. Can you repeat that? The real— I said, can you repeat that please? SHUT UP! We're in the real world, located in Atlanta, Georgia, to be precise. The real world? I thought our world was real. It is. But this is... more real. How can one thing be more real than another thing? Doesn't add up. I dunno. That's just how it works. So how exactly is this universe more real than our own? Our universe is within this one. Our creators live here. Mike, Matt, and the real Broternal Order. Huh. Well, I'm hungry. What say we find the nearest Blubb-O's? I'm down for that. {typing} Finding Blubb-O's. {stops typing} Odd. I couldn't find a single Blubb-O on this planet. Huh. I guess we'll have to find some other place. {They walk around the block} What about this... how you say... "M.C. Doe-nahlds"? Sounds foreign. It's McDonald's, Gfd. Like the farmer? He sounds delicious! {They walk in} {to the cashier} 'Scuse me, Mr. Human, but I'd like— CASHIER: Hey, hey, man. Cool it. Back of the line. Oh, is that what that is? Okay. {They go to the back of the line and wait} Wow, I can't believe they let us wait in line for free! Bubs really needs to lower his line-wait prices. {A person walks away with their burger and the line moves forward} The line even moves! Does the excitement and anticipation of the real world never end? {Gfd starts getting weird looks from people. Another person walks out of the line.} Almost there! What'll you guys be getting? the real Arsene Video Greg (dont ask why he was in Georgia instead of New York): Yeah, I'm getting a double triple bo-(notices who he’s talking to) WHAT IS THAT THING? (runs away) : what was his problem? (the cashier takes one look at the BODH) Cashier: is this the new adult cartoon joke here to sabotage our company again? Nope at all! We're the Broternal Order of Different Helmets! CASHIER: So you guys are like cosplayers, or what? No, we're the real actual Broternal Order. 100% authentic. The original classic. You mean to say you've never heard of us? CASHIER: Uh, no, I can't say I have. What'll you be ordering... what is it... {looks at shirt} "Honst...lar"? I'll be gettin' a double bacon cheeseburger, and a extra tall bag of Fluffy Puff Marshmallows! CASHIER: Sorry, sir, we don't carry that particular brand of marshmallows. Or, like, any marshmallows at all, really. I think. I don't know, I'm just the cashier. Well, rats and more rats. I'll have an ice cream cone maybe. CASHIER: Gotcha. Now the next fella... guy with G on your shirt. What'll you be having? Let's see here... {whispering to the cashier} This is gonna get weird. Prepare thyself. I'll have the usual. CASHIER: Uh, sorry, sir, what is the usual? I don't recall you ordering here before. {flabbergasted beyond comprehension} You mean you haven't heard of "the usual"?! Even in this other universe, I thought everyone would know about it. CASHIER: I'm not sure what you're talking about. Garbles here usually orders the same thing from most restaurants. Everyone knows about it because it's so ridiculous. In our universe, anyway. CASHIER: So what is it? I'll start off with an appetizer of four forks, a jar of mayo, some mustard salad (like, salad with only mustard in it), some germs from the floor, a brick (concrete of course), a dentist, twelve galaxies, an extradimensional entity, one extinct legume, a glass of molten lava with whipped cream, sentient donut glaze, some oxygen, some nitrogen, some flerovium, an eye of newt, a fossilized dromiceiomimus, September 17th 1967, an empty plate, a $60,000,000 diamond (although $59,999,999.99 will do as well), your kneecap, a deep-fried juice box full of staplers, perhaps reality itself, an entire farm, some Warm Jenkins, a mountain of melted cheese (slightly moldy), a slice of bread, a vacuum cleaner, 50 MB of virtual meatloaf, and one grain of salt. Stuffed inside a discount backpack. A gray one. With cottage cheese on the side. Oh, and I'll need a straw for the lava please. CASHIER: {gets out a walkie-talkie} Uh... security? There's some weirdo ordering... like, way too much food. Hey, I've eaten them all before! Several times! Besides, that's only the appetizer. I was just getting to the 27 main courses! CASHIER: Yeah, uh, can you please leave? Other people are trying to get food. {threateningly} Indulge me, mere mortal, or I shall eat your entire restaurant! CASHIER: Yeah, whatever. No really, I'll do it. He'll do it. CASHIER: {into the walkie-talkie} Security? You guys are taking way too long. This guy is threatening to eat the restaurant. Over. Don't believe me, do you? Well, chew on this! {Gfd chomps down on the counter. A crunch is heard, and Gfd holds his mouth in pain.} {muffled} My teef! My glorious teef! CASHIER: More like, you chew on this. Why couldn't you do it, Garbles? I guess his eating abilities don't follow the rules of this universe. It only works in our own. Aw man. Why does this universe have to be so realistic? Well, it is real. {Security arrives and drags the eleven of them out} Hey, they didn't yell "and stay out!" like in the movies! It's the most important part of their job! Well, what happens now? It's getting late. We should find somewhere to stay the night. But we don't even have houses in this universe. Exactly. So we'd best get to looking. {They find a house.} The door's locked. Time to break the window! {Picks up a nearby object and smashes the window.} {Inside the house, someone jumps at the noise, and picks up a phone to dial 911.} PERSON: {into the phone} Police? S— someone's breaking into my home!! Help! Help, please! Help with what? I'm sure we can assist you. PERSON: {screaming} Go away! This is my house! Well, jeez. You could've just said so. {Everyone leaves through the broken window} PERSON: ...That's it? You're not going to steal anything? No! Why would we do that? We were just looking for a place to sleep. Would you be so kind as to offer us shelter in these trying days? And perhaps supply us with various pastries? PERSON: Uh... I'd really rather not. I just ​met you guys. But we don't have homes in this universe! All our stuff is in our own universe. PERSON: Umm, okay... {whispering into the phone} The people breaking in appear to be harmless, but they have no home and are claiming to be from another universe. POLICEMAN: {muffled} Thank you, ma'am. We'll look into it. But we need you to keep them at your address. Otherwise we may never find them. PERSON: {whispering into the phone} But what if they have malicious intentions? I don't know them! POLICEMAN: {muffled} You said yourself that they appeared harmless. You will be compensated for any damage that occurs. PERSON: {whispering into the phone} Okay, thank you. {hangs up} You guys can stay here for the night. ALL: YAAAY! {Everyone comes back in through the window} But where will you sleep? PERSON: Wh— what do you mean? Well, since I'm taking the bed, you'll have to sleep somewhere else. Not the couch, though. That's where I'm sleeping. How 'bout the floor? I already called dibs on the floor. The entire floor? I require a very large sleeping area. I'm afraid you're going to have to sleep in the pantry or on the roof. Your choice! PERSON: Uhh, I really don't think this is— Please choose the roof. I was really looking forward to sleeping in the pantry. PERSON: This is not at all what I had anticipated. I thought you guys'd sleep on the floor in the living room or something. No, it's fine, really. I'll take your bed and you can sleep outside. PERSON: {sigh} {Fade to night. The BODH are sprawled out in various places throughout the house, falling asleep.} Man, these real-life beds are way comfier than the cartoon kind. Or that purple kind! PERSON: Will you quiet down? I'm trying to sleep. Sorry. I'd be asleep right now if this were my own universe. Cartoon characters always fall asleep so quickly. {Fade to morning. The characters sit down at the kitchen table, wearing folded newspaper helmets.} Thank you all for attending this meeting of the Broternal Order of Different Helmets! Now, if you'd please join me in singing our national anthem... ALL: Ever and more, ever and more, ever and more... {Cut to the person outside the house, talking to a police officer} POLICEMAN: {taking notes} You say they broke into your house, ma'am? PERSON: Yes, but they didn't steal anything. Except the guy with the bowler hat ate a bunch of my breakfast cereal. POLICEMAN: Is that singing I hear? PERSON: It is. They told me they were in the, uh... "Broternal Order of Different Helmets"? I think they might be escapees from some sort of cult. Or maybe a mental institution. POLICEMAN: Thanks for your cooperation, ma'am. We'll look into it. Mind if I step inside? {Cut back to the meeting} For our first discussion, we shall talk about what it feels like to be actual beings instead of Flash symbols. It's weird. Like, I can feel my brain and stuff. Ew, don't feel your brain. It's all sticky and gross. No, I mean like, I can feel that it's there. I'm surprised. I wouldn't have expected you to have one of those. I know, right? Like, I have bones and muscles and stuff. And worst of all, arms. Isn't this weird? {The police officer walks in} POLICEMAN: Uh, sorry to intrude on your cult meeting, but, uh... could you fellows come with me? We need to ask you some questions at the station real quick. Arrested already? Crap! POLICEMAN: We're not arresting you, we just want to know some things. Please, come with me. What's in it for me? POLICEMAN: I've got donuts in the car. {Cut to the BODH in a police interrogation room, with a big mirror/window on the wall} Hey, look! It's me! In the mirror! I haven't seen my real life face before. {makes weird faces into the mirror} Garbles, quit it! You know they're watching us, right? What do you mean? There's no windows! Yeah, there is. {points to the mirror} You mean that thing? Nah. It looks more like a mirror to me. {continues making weird faces} Whatever. {A police officer comes in} POLICEM'N! I confess! I'm innocent, I tell you! I was framed! I'm guilty! I did eat Strong Mad's beef-and-bean burrito. It wasn't my fault! It was Strong Mad's! He left it there and walked away! What was I supposed to do? Don't arrest me! I didn't do nothing! OFFICER: Quiet, quiet. I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me, why are you here? Uh... forget what I said. I didn't eat that burrito. Totally. {cough} That's ridiculous. I don't even know what I said. What's a burrito? OFFICER: I asked, why are you here? I don't know. Are you trying to help us get back to our universe? OFFICER: Uh, yes. Yes, I am. Tell me, where do you come from? The Homestar Runner universe. Specifically, the— OFFICER: Wait wait wait. Homestar Runner... isn't that like an old Flash cartoon thing? I remember my friend showed me the Trogdor cartoon in maybe 2003. You're saying you're... from there? Yes. Free Country, USA, specifically. OFFICER: Well, you're in the free country of USA right now, so there's no reason to leave, is there? But I can't eat restaurants in this universe! OFFICER: Why not? There's several down the block. They're all open, if I'm not mistaken. Have you been prohibited from going there? He means eating entire restaurants. Like the building and everything. He tried it earlier today and just ended up breaking his teeth. OFFICER: You've tried to... eat a building? Is it just you, or does anyone else have these tendencies? It's pretty much just me. I've won more eating contests than anyone else combined! Although Honstlar did eat a peace conference once. OFFICER: What? {turns to Honstlar} You're "Honstlar", I assume? Since that's what it says on your shirt. You got that right. OFFICER: Did he say you've... attempted to... eat a peace conference? Oh, no, not attempted. I did. But don't worry, it was just a quick joke for one episode. It's not like there were any long-term consequences. OFFICER: What do you mean by "episode"? Basically, our lives are being filmed for others' amusement. We're being written by beings from another universe. Well, from this universe, actually. OFFICER: Like... like a Truman Show sort of thing? Pretty much, except we're aware of it. We just don't talk about it often unless it makes for a good joke, like just now. OFFICER: Can you describe one of these "episodes"? Well, there was one where we became wrestlers. Once we went to college. We met an evil spirit who became a recurring character. I'm pretty sure this episode is in the third season. Although, at the time this is being written, the fourth season is also being written. These things are written out of order a lot. OFFICER: And my associate tells me you are part of... a "Broternal Order". Is this a group or a cult or what? It's a group of individuals dedicated to wearing helmets a lot! We sing songs, go on adventures, prevent reality-ending threats, and all that and all that! OFFICER: I see. Are you all this delusional? No delusions here, chief! We are all perfectly sane. That is quite the beans! In fact, you'd best tape yourself to the frankincense! Except him. He's not sane at all. Neither are you, Garbles. If you think about it, are any of us really sane? Good point. We're all lunatics in our own quirky, charming way. OFFICER: I can tell. All right, that settles it. You're going to a mental institution. We're going to WHAT?! {Cut to a screen reading "Slightly later...", then cut to the gang outside.} Thank goodness we got out of that situation. We should probably find a way home before the police catch us again. Police... catches us? Plurals is weird. {Cut to a screen reading "Slightly more later...", then cut to the usual BODH in the Pillquarters.} Hey, we did it! We solved the episode! And all offscreen too! That takes dedication, I tells ya what. I know. If we didn't find that giant mech suit, we would've been lunch for that army of space barracudas. And you can't forget that part where the society of ancient tortillas turned the entire universe into radioactive disco-zombies! I liked the part where we had to save our real-world counterparts from that evil organization. Now, how 'bout that StarCon? {Everyone cheers as the Pillquarters drives off.} {holding a remote} We'll get there in no time now that I've started the rocket engines! Uh, we don't have rocket engines. Here we go again! {A laugh track plays as the scene irises out. The text "the real end." appears.} {More text appears, reading “...is about to happen, I swear!”} (Cut to the gang screaming as the Pillmobile speeds off.) (Screaming) YA KNOW, IT’S MOMENTS LIKE THIS THAT MAKE ME WISH I HAD A REGULAR STEERING WHEEL INSTEAD OF AN OLD VCR REMOTE! {screaming} SO WAIT, ARE WE STILL GOING TO THE CONVENTION? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ARE WE STILL GOING!? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO TURNED ON THE BURBO TOOSTERS! {The gang screams as the Pillquarters is hurled into another light purple vortex. They reappear back in the real world, this time as their regular cartoon selves.} Hey, this doesn't look like a convention. There are hardly any cosplays, gameplays, or soufflés! We're back in the real world, but... we're in our regular Flashy, tweenious style. We're not humans like before. That's nice. Aren't you a human? Depends on your definition. So, where are we exactly? {The lights turn on. Balloons and confetti fill the room, and a bunch of humans stand nearby.} EVERYONE: SURPRISE! How nice! They've sent us back to the real world to throw us a surprise "end of the episode" dance party! Here's to the end of another episodic narrative! {Everyone dances for a bit.} Hey, is the episode done yet? I don't think so. {Cut to black. The text "the REAL real end this time." appears.} Now it is.
 * You idiot. Of course he was scared. Bubs never lets us ask what we re getting for free. He didn't understand.