Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/Honstlar Babies

In this send-up to the 80's Muppet Babies series, Stom """""""""reminisces""""""""" about his childhood growing up with the BODH and going on imaginary adventures.

{Fade in to the Pillquarters} And that concludes our meeting. SRMX12, give us those sweet minutes! {reading his scroll} 1:09 — Meeting begins. 1:10 — Frothy, shanty chant. 1:11 — Snacks. 1:12 — Break. 5:37 — Script writing. 5:51 — Goat herding. 6:00 — Waffle eating. 6:03 — Potato throwing. 6:12 — Fought Grindolo in the future with an army of undead Trogdors and a magic tuxedo, banishing him to the realm of breakfast until the next episode. 6:20 — Art trades. 6:30 — Meeting concluded. {looking at a page} Looks like we got everything on our checklist. Wait!! We forgot the most important part! Which is what? {Cut to the page with an unchecked box, reading:} Reminiscing on old memories. {Cut back to the BODH} That was never a part of our meetings. Well, it is now, because I added it to the checklist. When?! Ten seconds ago. Well, if it's in the checklist... You start, Garbledy. Yes. Well. Remember that time we fought a giant pie in Istanbul with The Cheat? Or that time we were stuck inside Senor Cardgage's shoe for three months? Yes yes, good times those were. {Cut to the gang inside a giant brown loafer struggling to fit.} This is the worst day for my spine yet! I don't know, it feels kinda nice. That's because you lost all feeling an hour ago. I think my lemonade made a stain! EEWW... {Cut back to the Pillquarters.} Then there's that time we were trapped on the planet of the tilt-a-whirls... ...Right after Gfd made a stop at the corndog and mini-donut planet. That did not end well. And remember when I gave out so many waffles, the universe imploded into a cataclysm of fried dough? Or when I traveled back in time to steal Sickly Sam's eyes? Or when I hardly had any lines? Or when I delved the planet into an intergalactic war among squirrels? Such nostalgia. Yeah, those were the days. No worries, no stress, no promblems, just each other and a fresh pair of diapers. Diapers? Yeah! You don't remember those days? Stom, we didn't grow up together. Don't you dare try to cover up the truth, Purple Homsar! Cover up the tru- Don't tell me you believe this baby crap too. What, you don't believe us? Anyone else concur? I'm a twice! I had the first ten years of my memory wiped, so I have no other choice than to agree. See? Me, Homestar, Dooble, and Gfd all agree! It's unanimous. Yeah... thaaat's not how it works. If you don't believe me... then believe the videographic evidence! {pulls down a projector screen as the lights dim} {Cut to the Honstlar Babies title card} {voiceover in the audience} I never knew videographic evidence came in the form of childrens' daytime cartoon-style entertainment. {The theme song begins} Singers: Honstlar Babies, they're newborns that wear shoes... Honstlar Babies, they'll pour some cheese on you! When your world is not so great and you wish you it was more raaad... Just come with us and you will see, that life is not so baaad! I enjoy breathing! I kinda have pants. I eat raw yolks! The Diapersmith: {Long raspberry} I have a computer. I have graphite hair! I give out waffles. And I just don't care. Me, I exist too. Dooblie-deee! {A woman enters, shown from the waist down, wearing green striped socks} Nanny: Is everyone all right in here? Yes, nanny. ALL: Honstlar Babies, they're newborns that wear shoes... Honstlar Babies, they'll pour some cheese on you! {The episode's title card appears} To The Moon By Noon Written by A. Chimendez {Cut to the Honstlar Babies playing in the nursery} I'm pretending I'm a caveman from the 19th century! I'm a dragon that feasts on civilizations and destroys planets until life is no more! I'm pretending to code a holographic artificial intelligence! {a hologram appears} Oh wait, I did code a holographic artificial intelligence! HOLOGRAM: Goo goo. I guess he's not that intelligent. Hey, I am like two years old. {Stom runs by, wearing a cardboard box on his head holding a foam football} Make way for Stom Brady! {We see a ripple effect as the scene changes to a black-and-white football field. Stom is now wearing a football helmet.} Touchdown! So, fellow babymans, what wacky hijinks shall ensue today? I dunno. What's the name of the episode again? {Rewind to the title card.} To The Moon By Noon {Fast forward.} Oh. Guess we're going to the moon. Finally! I'll get all the cheese I'll ever need! But how do we get all the way up there? Octopus catapult! Sure, why not. {Cut to an octopus catapult. It flings them up to the moon.} Now I'm on the mooooooon! It's so fascinating to observe the way the gravitational pull of the orbital astronomical body can generate differing effects and behaviors depending on the mass or energy weight of said astronomical body. Say, did you know that this is the largest natural planetary satellite relative to the total size of the primary it orbits? Shut up, you're a baby. You're supposed to talk baby talk. Oh, right. Goo ba. Who wants to play tennis on the moon with me? I would, but I don't know tennis rules. Me neither. {hits the ball with a racket} I hit the ball! I get a point! {kicks the ball into a moon crater} A double-bogey! Match point! {hurls a dozen sports balls into the vacuum of space} Three jillion points! It's a home run! A slam dunk! A goal-in-one! Hey, that basketball was mine! So I get the points! {eats a tennis racket} My new racket powers negate the effect of your despicable point-thievery! Uh, you guys, anyone know how we're breathing out here? Or perhaps more confoundingly, how are we surviving against the harsh climate and ultraviolet rays without a pressurized suit? What's keeping us from asphyxiating and suffering from ebullism? How does oxygen embolism factor into this? It's imaginary. Quit ruining the fun. Oh, right. Ba goo. Hey, look. Is that a castle in the distance? {Cut to Castle Grindolo on the horizon. An ominous sting plays.} (Offscreen) Nah, that's just some castle-shaped stock footage. (Zoom in to reveal a clip of Indiana Jones running from a giant boulder, then cut back to the babies.) They've got those here, too? If you just use your imagination, you can see all the stock footage we've got the rights to! {Cut to an early 1900s airplane taking off in black and white. Cut back to the babies.} What a wholesome message! The imagination is truly a wonderful thing. This is boring, go back to the cool stuff! {Cut to footage of Godzilla destroying a city in black and white. Cut back to the babies.} Can we at least play something relevant to where we are? {Cut to footage of the Death Star exploding. Cut back to the babies.} That's not what I had in mind. Hey, I wonder if we have stock sound clips too. {Cut to an astronaut landing on the moon.} ASTRONAUT: One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. {Cut back to the babies.} Wow, we do! Is there anything stock resources can't do? Allow us to have a home video release that isn't included with any plush toys? (Pulls out a plush of Honstlar.) Hey, it's like me! But in tiny squishy form! Do they have ones of me? Your likeness is represented by a single half-eaten graham cracker. {holds it up} It's... beautiful. {Cut back to the present day BODH.} Hey, I never licensed my likeness to any toy company! Though, I probably should someday... And I only sometimes look like a cracker! These events are clearly fictional! You’re clearly fictional. (Offscreen) WHAT!? (Worried) Nothing! {Cut back to the babies} I think we're running out of moon jokes. What else can happen? (A meteor crashes on top of Dooble.) I’m feeling many rocks! Hey, it's the Bendini sisters. Stop crashing on people, Cassandra. Is no one else concerned that a giant meteor has crushed Dooble? {Everyone speaks simultaneously.} Nah. Nope. I mean, not really. Not in the least. Nopers! I'm not. Ehh. Oh, okay then. 'Cause I'm not really concerned either. {They all walk away, leaving Dooble behind.} My spleen feels like a thousand nails. {They keep walking until they come upon a castle.} Hey, look, it wasn't stock footage after all. {A miniature Grindolo steps out, accompanied by the Pretender (a baby head in a large robot suit), Mr. Dando (a 20-year-old grown man), and the Cleanser Geek (a scribble).} Hi, friends! This is my castle. Have you come to play? No, you're weird. Aw, that's mean. We're enemies now! {Cut to the modern-day gang watching the footage.} This is entirely inaccurate. We didn't meet Grindolo until we were at least five. And he wasn't on the moon until we banished him there. Yeah, totally. I don't remember any of this either. Does anyone know why Grindolo is in our meeting? Hey, I'm in this clearly noncanonical children's cartoon show too. You guys aren't the only ones who want to relive fake youthful memories. I'll allow it. Just don't kill anyone, okay? No promises. {Cut back to the show. Honstlar and Grindolo are swinging their arms at each other angrily.} I'll punch out your teeth, you disrespectful infant! Jokes on you, I haven't grown in my teeth yet! Goo. You know what, Imaginater, you're right. We're all within the age range of 1 to 300, we should all just get along. Come in, we'll have a pretend tea party or something. Ooh, pretend tea is my favorite! As long as it's got a real spoon. The honey should be half-pretend, though. I suppose now I'll get everything set up for these kids' visit. Get inside, everyone. {Mr. Dando walks inside first, then everyone else walks in. Cut to the inside of the castle.} What do we do while that guy gets our pretend tea? Let us partake in a battle of dark sorcery. Or we could stack blocks to make a castle. Why make a castle out of blocks when you already live in a real castle? I'd be down for the dark sorcery thing. {stacking blocks on top of each other} Too late, already started building. Goo. You're right, Imaginater, the law of structural redundancy dictates statistical indetermination. {rearranges the blocks} (Emits a horrible buzzing sound) She said she doesn't approve of the shape of your castle Well, that can be rearranged. {SRMX12 rearranges the blocks to form a giant golden statue of baby Cleanser Geek.} {ecstatic buzzing} How did you do that? With our imaginations, you unimaginative swine. WHAT did you just call me?! Why did I get the feeling that a 30+ year history of rivalry and archnemesisry began just now? {Cut back to modern-day Honstlar} Because this whole thing is just a lie thought up by Stom after bribing some animation studio into making this weird alternate history fan-fic! I mean, Stom, who as we all know is a known habitual liar, would have made sure that his lies were backed up by weird 80's cartoons rather than actual evidence! This is just a total con job to trick everyone into believing the lie of the evil empire's invincibility! We can't let them implant the salmon into our brains! Everything is connected!! DOUBT EVERYONE BUT MEEEEE!!!!! {Greg slaps Honstlar with a salmon that has a post-it note reading "Trooth" attached to it.} Thanks, Brother Greg. I- I needed that. {Cut back to the show.} You'll pay for your rudeness! Take THIS! {Grindolo holds up a baby rattle as a wand and fires a spell at Honstlar, who has no reaction.} What was that supposed to be? I'm only 300 years old, I haven't perfected my dark magic yet. Cut me some slack! Spit up mashed carrots at him! That'll teach him to disrespect his elders! No way, that's gross. Plus, you're only like a month older than him. {Quietly} I'll show you what's a month older than him... What was that? Nothing- I mean, Goo! We have no time for such petty squabbles among our own team. We need to focus on revenge against these intruders! Oh yeah? Not if we make our own team and stop you first! What should we be called? The Infantile Nursery of Bibs and Bonnets? Yeah, that's perfect! At least for the next couple years or so! {Cut to the modern-day BODH meeting.} ...And so begins the story of us hating each other's guts, at least within the canon of this made-up children's show. Yep. Such nostalgic, fake memories. So, uh, you gonna leave our headquarters now? I was kinda hoping to kill at least a couple of you before I was kicked out. So, I should probably get to that. I'd appreciate if you didn't do that. Tough beans. {points at members of the BODH} Eenie, meenie, miney... yeah, that one. {pointing at Honstlar} You're supposed to go up to "moe"! And there's, like, several more lines after that! Yeah, but I just felt like killing Honstlar today. Tough beans. {A portal opens, and the Infantile Nursery of Bibs and Bonnets walks out.} BABY HONSTLAR: Oh yeah? Not if we defeat you first! Um, can anyone explain how this is possible? I'm not surprised at this point, this kind of thing happens all the time. Ha! Do you really think that you bunch of drooling babies can defeat a millennia old cosmic warlock? Baby Honstlar: No, but we do know who can... {A giant foot crushes Grindolo.} Baby Honstlar: Nanny's burly ex-boyfriend from her bad girl phase! SB undefined {voiceover} MONTY PYTHON'd! Ow, any ounce of dignity I once might've had! BABY HONSTLAR: Man, for a guy named Grindolo, he really doesn't grin a whole lot. BABY GFD: Yeah, more like Grimdolo, am I right? BABY COACH E: What even is a dolo, and why is it grin? BABY GREG: Uh, it might be an acronym. Do Only Live Once? BABY GFD: Dill Olives Left Outside, duh. I think the more important question is how you guys got here. I mean, I've seen some time travel in my day, but you guys never even existed! What gives? Baby Honstlar: Uhh..... BABIES, RETREAT! {The babies vanish.} So did that actually happen, or was it just a figment of our collective imaginations? Wouldn't you like to know! {winks at the camera as the scene irises out} {The word "The End" appears in the Honstlar Babies title font.} {Honstlar pushes the black away.} Oh no, ya don't! What are you talking about? That wrapped up so nicely. We found out the origins of our rivalry with Grindolo, then we met our baby selves and crushed Grindolo with a foot. No unresolved plot threads or unanswered questions at all! How did they get to our— No unanswered questions! Reguardless, I'm not letting this episode end until either Stom admits he making this all up or his cockamamie cartoon finishes. Well, I'm definitely not making anything up, so keep watching the cartoon it is! {Cut back to Baby Grindolo.} Baby Grindolo: That name is awful, just like your chances of defeating us! ...Wait, where'd they go? {The baby BODH returns through a portal.} Sorry, we were just defeating your future self. You were saying? Uh oh. Retreat! {The bad guys rush into the castle, which grows a pair of human legs and runs away.} Well, that was strange. Nanny: {offscreen} What was strange? {The background suddenly changes to the nursery.} All: Wha? {Cut to Nanny. (Or at least, her legs.)} Nanny: I just went to the grocery store and now I find all of you standing around for no reason. {Cut to Baby Honstlar.} But- But- I could have sworn we were on the moon! Um, no we weren't. It was just our imagination. I was trying to tell you earlier, but you just thought I was talking about DVDs or whatever. I was? Boy, do I feel silly. {Everyone laughs.} What? I didn't tell a joke or anything, did I? {A tomato hits Baby Honstlar.} Huh, I guess I did. {Fade to black, then to the end credits} DIRECTOR: MARK DOOR STORYBOARD DIRECTOR: ROLANDO PREDGE VOICE DIRECTOR: CRACK STUNTMAN MOST IMPROVED: BRETT BRETTERSON {Cut to Stom turning off the projector.} Gotta have the obligatory tomato gag! That alone proves this is real, right? But there were credits! WHY WOULD THERE BE CREDITS OF OUR BABY VIDEOS?! Ohhh, I think I see what happened. I lent out the rights to use our likeness for children's animated content to various television studios, and must've gotten that mixed up with my actual childhood. You lent out our intellectual property without our permission?! At least it cuts down on the amount of bootleg knockoffs. {Stom puts another video on the projector, animated in a Powered by The Cheat style. A miscolored Honstlar with a human nose and shirt reading "hawntslar" wanders onscreen.} HAWNTSLAR: Welcome, I'm a Hawntslar and weclome to our Brothers of the Mighty Hat! {More characters wander onscreen, each with obvious name tags.} GGGGXGDGFJGJ: You said it, Captain Hatleader! STOMP: I baked us all non-specific batter-based breakfast treat! GREDGE WHO EDITS THE MOVIES: Hooray for non-specific batter-based breakfast treat! NOT ZASCUB-NAMED PERSON: And human noses! {Cut back to the BODH.} I'd like to meet this Ggggxgdgfjgj guy. He seems super cool and way different from me. Yeah, I've had about enough of that discount knockoff nonsense. But what if they're the original? Have you ever considered... that we might be the knockoff? {Everyone laughs. A tomato is thrown at Gfd.} Oh. Well, I guess that confirms that we're the real deal. {Once again, the scene irises out, and "The End" appears in the Honstlar Babies title font.} (Click on the "E" in "The End" to see an additional scene in the meeting room. There are two film cans and a projector on the table. Honstlar walks into frame.) Ugh, I can't believe Stom left all his stuff here. That guy is some kinda scatterbrained. (Pause.) Wait a minute, I don't remember seeing two film reels. (Honstlar peeks into one of the film cans.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Honstlar runs off. The lid of the can opens, revealing Baby Animal from Muppet Babies. Synth music is heard.) Baby Animal: Go bye-bye! (He laughs, and the screen fades to black)