We Bought a General Merchandise Mystery Box From Some Type of Online Liquidation - Extreme Unboxing

On an otherwise calm and cozy morning in Free Country USA, a rustle of activity could be heard inside Marzipan's home. More specifically, in her living room, she and Homestar Runner were filming a video on Homestar's phone. Marzipan setting up the phone on a tripod, Homestar on the couch, and a large shipping box on the table in front of him. Making the final adjustments, Marzipan asked, "We all ready?" Homestar responded "Woop, almost. Gotta get some stuff." He fled into the kitchen and hurried back a second later, sporting the wooden spoon and orange plastic bowl of the Homestarmy. Marzipan stared blankly, but couldn't bring herself to ask. Homestar was too unpredictable to assign logic to his actions, and even if she asked she wouldn't like the answer. The broomstick young lady just sighed and mashed Record.

"Hello everyone!" Marzipan greeted the camera. "We bought this nice little box of items from Some Type of--" "TEN-HUT! Fall in line, men!" Homestar blurted out, interrupting her. "We have just received a report that our decorated General Merchandise has been imprisoned by the enemy and if we do not act, he will be subject to "liquidation", and shipped home in a box! Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to extract the General and take him back to base in one piece!"

"Homestar, general merchandise means products, not a person..." Marzipan attempted to remind her boyfriend.

"The message will self destruct! Do you accept the mission?"

"Uh, I guess..."

"Understood! Company, all march!" Homestar then proceeded to make gargly explosion sounds with his mouth, sending out droplets of spit.

Marzipan cleared her throat and turned her attention towards the sealed box. "Well, since Homestar is legally not allowed near sharp things, I'll open it." She pulled out her craft knife and broke the tape while Homestar watched curiously. She opened the box and... there was indeed general merchandise in there, though it all looked sun-faded and dusty. The stuff could have been liquidated in the 90's and never disturbed until today. "Let's see what we have." Marzipan reached in and pulled out metal tongs in a plain bag.

"Seriously, Marzy. I cannot resist the urge to clack those things together." Homestar was no longer using his drill instructor voice.

"These can be used for salad or potatoes, or a hot dish..."

"Or flippin' a big honking meat burger!"

"You shush."

Marzipan reached in again. The next item was a metal coffee measure, still on its paper card. Marzipan idly twirled it around in her invisible grasp with a pleased look. "Here's your standard 1/8th cup of joe... Too bad I'm an herb-and-kale-smoothie girl."

"Are you sure you wanna put any consumables in that nasty thing?"

"What are you talking about, it's--" Marzipan flips the measure over and a solid quarter tablespoon of warehouse dust spilled out of it. "Oh."

"Turns any bland cuppa Hot Jones into Hot Pooey, instantaneous-like!"

"Let's just put this one away..."

"Lemme do one!" Homestar said, beating Marzipan to the box. "It's a... it's a..." He pulls out some thin kitchen mitts that only cover the fingers. "Oh man, these oven mitts are great for third degree burn aficionados!"

"No Homestar, these are scrubbers, for cleaning plates. Your hands go in here..." The mitts just appear to float in front of Marzipan.

"Sorry, you're wearing em wrong. They go like this!" Homestar takes them back, and they also just float in front of him with no real discernable difference.

"You can wear them backwards until the tofu sprouts come home. I'm moving on."

"Next item is a brush!" Marzipan brightened up as she saw the dish and sink brush on its paper card. "As Strong Bad likes to tell everyone... I'm a dirty hippie without the dirt. So what better to remove dirt than this brush."

"There's some dust on this one too..." Homestar observes the bristles.

"Well that's no good. I'd give this one a wash first."

"Luckily, you have a nice new brush to... clean your... brush... with." Homestar struggled greatly to unravel his own logic. "Might have to tie your arms in a knot to do it, though."

"Sure, Homestar. You do the next one."

Homestar leaned in and dug right to the bottom of the box. "This is where the good stuff hides at." He soon held aloft a sealed packet of magnetic clips. "Uh!-- Aww. It's not solid gold nuggets."

"Well, with these you can, uh, clip things... magnetically."

Homestar's expression cheered up in an instant. "Wait, these can do all that?!? Five stars! Ten stars! Elect magnetic clips for president!"

"Now you can keep a reminder on your fridge to re-break up with your boyfriend for the 20th time. Convenient!"

The next item was delegated to Marzipan. She took something long and cylindrical out of the now half-empty box. "Oh, a bath mat! It's all rolled up in its package."

"Y'know, Marzy, I know about 50 ways to slip and break my boat take even with a bath mat down."

"You do take your shoes off before entering the shower, right?" Marzipan quickly reconsidered the question she wanted to ask. "You do shower, right?"

The line of questioning made Homestar feel a twinge of awkwardness. "Well, I work with Coach Z, I can't afford not to." He seems to experience some unpleasant memories. "That guy takes 5 showers a day and somehow, he smells WORSE after each one."

Homestar volunteered to pick out the next one. "My dibs!" The object in his grasp was a lightswitch cover, in the image of a graceful young woman in a robe. "Oh, it's a lovely The-Cheat's=hot-mom-drying-off-after-a-shower lightswitch fixture! Delightfully tacky!"

Marzipan gave it a closer inspection. "I think this is supposed to be a religious figure..."

"Oh yeah, The Cheat's hot mom is pretty sacred, isn't she?"

"I don't think this is her. The Cheat's hot mom's robe would definitely have more cleavage showing."

"Oh that is totally the tea." Homestar would have made a flappy gesture with his hand, if he had one.

"Just a couple items left!" Marzipan hurried to produce the next item and ended up with some of those hard plastic, curled-up Krazy Straws. "These are totally you, Homestar."

"I'm not a curly straw! I'm Homestar Runner!" Homestar insisted. "I'm a lot more taller and handsome than this little straw!"

"I meant they're totally something you would like."

"Yeah, I'm not gonna like em if you keep making those crazy comparisons between us." Homestar would have folded his arms if he etc. etc.

The pair gazed town into the last item in the box. It was long and thin, and on its side so they couldn't see. "I'll do the honors," Marzipan nodded to Homestar as she pulled the item out. The item was one seriously long and sharp-looking kitchen knife, covered in a plastic blister pack. Marzipan was just staring, admiring it, giving her new liquidation pick a big smile as she turned it over in her hand. Homestar couldn't help but feel a slight concern that Marzipan wasn't reviewing the item. "Marzipan...?"

Marzipan shook her head. "Whoop, sorry! Lost in thought."

"You still in there?"

"This handy kitchen knife is a must for hard crops like winter squash and lotus root! And it doesn't crush your tomatoes!"

Homestar sighed in relief. "Got that right. I hereby deem Operation:Extract and Rescue a success! At ease, soldiers! Back to mess for franks and maybe a nice crueller! maybe with cream inside!!" Homestar picked his wooden spoon off the table, got up and marched (barely) in time out of the room... until Marzipan heard a thump and got a good look where Homestar was going. "Homestar, that's the closet!"