Inanimate Objects in Decidedly Non-Inanimate Situations/Episode 12b

Description: Let's get ready to rumble!

Transcript
{The camera pans over the ring at Empty High School Gymnasium, before showing the AWMPSCE logo}

THE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, you most certainly are not ready for the All-World Mid-Pro Shirtless Championship Entertainment pay-per-viewverseries of the century - AWMPSCE April To Dismmbapril!

(Canned applause is played over the scene}

THE ANNOUNCER: Due to popular demand, or at least IODNIS writer's demand, this show will be main event only! First, let's introduce our commentary team for the match. Strong Sad and Coach Z!

KING OF TOWN: {offscreen} Boo!

{Strong Sad and Coach Z come through the entranceway, before taking their seats at the ringside and put on their headsets}

STRONG SAD: Hello there, all you wrestling fans. Wish I could say it was a pleasure to be seated here next to our color commentator, Coach Z, but that is not exactly the case.

COACH Z: Testin'! 1, 2, 1, 2! Bout to freestyle!

STRONG SAD: No freestyling! Please.

COACH Z: Aww.

THE ANNOUNCER: And now, it is time for the main, and only, event.

{Canned applause again}

THE ANNOUNCER: The following is a lumberjack match. There are no disqualifications, and it is for total control of Inanimate Objects in Decidedly Non-Inanimate Situations! Introducing first, the lumberjacks!

''{A crowd of objects come through the entryway. They consist of all the objects eliminated from IODNIS, as well as the recommended characters who were not chosen to join}''

COACH Z: These hunks a' plastic and expired food are gonna keep this match in the ring. If a fella is trown out, they'll shove em back in!

STRONG SAD: That is the gist of it, yes.

THE ANNOUNCER: Now our smoking hot contestants. Please welcome the On Point Objects!

''{The On Point Objects' theme plays out. The gang of objects come out the entranceway, doing mocking poses. Canned boos are played over the empty seats}''

STRONG SAD: And here come the bad boys of this particular match.

COACH Z: Bad Boy? I think they'd ride with Death Row.

STRONG SAD: I don't get that reference.

''{The On Point Objects enter the ring. The Stop Sign takes the mic from The Announcer}''

STOP SIGN: Are you ready?

{Canned applause}

STOP SIGN: I said, ARE YOU READAYY?

{Louder canned applause}

STOP SIGN: Ladies and gentlemen, dumb animal characters of all ages, the nation of Strong Badia proudly brings to you, from the place where the tropical breezes blooooow! {pause} The Stop Sign, The Cinder Block, the mighty Bear Holding a Shark, and {singing} Population: Tiiiiiire!

CINDER BLOCK: And if you're not down with that, we got one word for ya!

STRONG SAD AND COACH Z: {chanting along} Deleted!

{The Announcer takes his microphone back and continues announcing}

THE ANNOUNCER: And now, introducing the challengers. Hailing from some random cosplay-dinaire's living room, the plucky under-bot-dog-bot, Humidibot!

{Humidibot rolls out to great applause, spinning in place and having a good time}

COACH Z: The crowd loves him!

STRONG SAD: How's he gonna get up the ring stairs?

{The Umpire, acting as the referee, is forced to lift the wheeled bot into the ring}

THE ANNOUNCER: Lift with your legs, Umpire! Next, the Third-Style Private of the Homestarmy, Frank Bennedetto!

''{Frank Bennedetto comes out. He does not show any excitement, instead trudging to the ring as if he has a lot on his mind}''

COACH Z: He looks kinda down.

STRONG SAD: Well, once the action starts, he's sure to get his energy back. It's sure to be a slobberknocker.

THE ANNOUNCER: And now, accompanied by her lovely valet Homestar Runner, the only cardboard girl, Cardboard Marzipan!

{Cardboard Marzipan comes out, with Homestar Runner hiding behind her, doing all the movements}

COACH Z: Speaking of slobber! WOO HOO! Marzipan, over here!

STRONG SAD: Coach Z, are you even half aware that she's just a hunk of cardboard carried by Homestar Runner?

COACH Z: Hey, I'm not choosy!

THE ANNOUNCER: And the final challenger. From Strong Bad's room, the email keeper, spam deleter, The Lappier!

''{The Lappier hops out to some wild applause. He is holding a microphone as well}''

LAPPIER: You come out here...

{A canned response is played: "WHAT?"}

LAPPIER: You run your mouth!

{WHAT?}

LAPPIER: ...about how you're gonna take over this show.

{WHAT}

LAPPIER: But you forget, see, that IODNIS is vote to eliminate...

{WHAT}

LAPPIER: And that any fan with two brain cells...

{WHAT}

LAPPIER: ...would happily eliminate your candy whatever-objects-have-in-behind!

''{He drops the microphone down and hops into the ring. By the time the bell is rung, Lappier is already pounding on Stop Sign's face}''

STRONG SAD: And here we go! Stop Sign is getting whupped like my horrible brothers whup me!

''{Lappier whips Stop Sign into the ropes. He bounces back and is caught by Lappier's shoulder tackle. Lappier bounces off the ropes as well, and drops the elbow down}''

STRONG SAD: There's that fury of the Lappier. He has nothing to lose and everything to gain by fighting.

''{Lappier tries for a pin. But Stop sign throws him off at 0, and gets him in a tie-up}''

COACH Z: What am I always tellin' you folks? Ya can't just rush into the score zone!

''{Stop Sign has Lappier by the laptop hinge. He flips the computer down on the mat and goes for a headlock}''

STRONG SAD: Snapmare takedown by the Stop Sign. Stop Sign aiming to take the wind out of his opponent.

''{Stop Sign drags the Lappier back to his corner. He tags in Cinder Block, who gives Lappier a good stomp while he was helpless, before Stop Sign lets go and returns to his corner}''

COACH Z: Never gonna win any spratsmanship trophies actin' like that!

''{Cinder Block lifts Lappier back up. He goes for a grapple, but Lappier reverses it, getting behind Cinder Block. He lifts Cinder Block up and drops him onto his feet, giving Cinder Block's legs a shock}''

STRONG SAD: There's a manhattan drop, using all of Cinder Block's weight and using it against him. That'll tire your legs out.

''{Lappier takes his opponent's arm and wrenches it. He kicks out Cinder Block's leg and drops him to his knee}''

STRONG SAD: And there's how weakening the leg gives you a strategic advantage, for the Lappier.

''{For the next minute, Lappier holds Cinder Block in the armbar. But Cinder Block manages to stand up, and elbows him to force him to let go}''

COACH Z: Cindy needs to get himself tagged out and catch his breath!

STRONG SAD: Don't call him that.

''{Cinder Block manages to get some distance from his opponent, and returns to his corner to tag in Tire. Lappier also tags Cardboard Marzipan}''

COACH Z: Now that's what I wanna see!

''{Cardboard Marzipan circles around Tire. She catches him with a few invisible strikes, then Homestar wields the cardboard like a weapon and smacks him}''

STRONG SAD: Very athletic front dropkick by Cardboard Marzipan! Or maybe it's just Homestar swinging the old cardboard around.

{Homestar lifts up the cardboard cutout and stomps the Tire with it}

COACH Z: Hey, think she'll think abrat coming back to my place after the match?

STRONG SAD: I don't think--

COACH Z: There's no couch at my lacker room. She'll have to sit on me instead!

STRONG SAD: Every time I think you can't be more disgraceful, I stand corrected.

''{Tire shifts onto his round side and rolls away to get some distance. He rolls into the rope and bounces back, slamming into Cardboard Marzipan}''

STRONG SAD: Tire using his power and physicality to gain the advantage here, but can he capitalize?

{Tire takes the opportunity to pose and gloat instead}

COACH Z: Hey, move outta the way! I didn't come here ta see you!

''{Cardboard Marzipan is able to get to her feet. She gets a running start, then does a leaping DDT in midair on the Tire}''

STRONG SAD: That's the price you pay for showboating!

{Cardboard Marzipan runs to the ropes, jumps into them and bounces off, landing on top of Tire with a body slam}

COACH Z: She's so much quicker on her feet than the real thing!

STRONG SAD: It is Homestar Runner out there. He's a terrific athlete.

''{Cardboard Marzipan looks around for support, then attempts the move again. She runs, leaps... but Tire pulls the rope, and she tumbles out of the ring}''

STRONG SAD: Ohh! Punished!

{Two lumberjacks, Horrible Painting and Tony Stony, help her get up and into the ring}

COACH Z: Them's some lucky folks, getting an up close and personal look!

''{Cardboard Marzipan stands up, appearing to get her second wind. She charges forward and clotheslines Tire down}''

STRONG SAD: Looks like she's setting up for something...

''{Cardboard Marzipan climbs up the turnbuckle. She leaps, landing a big leg drop on the Tire}''

STRONG SAD: This could be it right here!

''{Cardboard Marzipan gets the pin cover. The Umpire counts 1, 2, but then Tire throws his opponent off}''

STRONG SAD: Two count! That aught to make the On Point Objects take notice.

{Cardboard Marzipan, out of breath, retreats to her corner and tags in Humidibot}

COACH Z: Aww. Here comes the runt o' the litter.

STRONG SAD: Does he even know how to wrestle?

{Humidibot looks nervous as he stares down Tire, who is attempting to get up}

COACH Z: Come on, Humordabort! Cram a little oompah down your pants!

STRONG SAD: That's a line I never wanted to hear twice.

''{Humidibot gulps and charges at Tire. But Tire is able to roll out of the way, and Humidibot careens into the On Point Objects' corner}''

COACH Z: Bad place ta be!

''{Cinder Block reaches through the ropes and grabs Humidibot by the lid. Tire runs to the corner and delivers a shoulder block}''

STRONG SAD: And that's a big impact for Tire! He's regained control of this match.

''{Tire tags in Bear Holding a Shark. The Bear climbs into the ring, and he holds Humidibot up while Tire pummels him}''

STRONG SAD: That's some blatant double team! But this is no DQ, so it's fair game.

COACH Z: No DQ? How bout Baskin Rabbins then?

''{The Umpire gives Tire a reprimand and he reluctantly climbs back on the apron. Bear Holding a Shark continues to pound into the metal humidifier}''

STRONG SAD: Humidibot is completely outmatched by this huge opponent.

''{Bear drops the Shark and lifts Humidibot over his head instead. He parades around, carrying Humidibot like nothing}''

COACH Z: What a cardboard physique!

{Bear throws Humidibot across the ring and he tumbles end over end}

STRONG SAD: The Baby Got Stole! This could be the end!

''{Bear puts the pin on Humidibot. The Umpire starts counting}''

COACH Z: 1, 2!

{Humidibot just barely gets his corner up}

COACH Z: Two and a half! Humardibart is scrapin' along!

STRONG SAD: And we will have to bring you the rest of the match after the break.

COACH Z: What break? We're on the pay-per-views.

STRONG SAD: Yes. But unfortunately, nobody is paying to view it. It's online for free.

COACH Z: Well, we'll seeya in episode 12c!