Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/The Strife and Times of Juniper Tree

{Fade in to the Pillquarters} Hey, helmets! Guess what? Uh... "what"? What? You asked me to guess "what", so I guessed it. You guessed what? Yes. No, what did you guess? What? I said, what did you guess? I know. What? You're right. I'm confused. Let's start over. {Rewind to the beginning} Hey, helmets! Guess what? Cheese biscuits from space have invaded our planet and we're all doomed? You're providing your Royal Secretarian with a jillion dollars? It's time for me to hand out waffles? It's time for Stom to hand out waffles? We forgot your birthday again? You still don't want me to tell everyone about that time you got stuck in a jar of peanut butter? We're going on a vacation to Vegas? The murderer was just the butler all along? Fried garlic salts? No, yes, yes, yes, no, kinda, our plane leaves next week, when is it not, and yes. That's a relief. Those guys are ruthless! They are indeed. But seriously though... Hey, helmets! Guess what? What? For this meeting— No, I was saying "what" like "I didn't hear a single syllable, please repeat that". HOW MANY TIME DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS?! {sigh; clears throat} Hey, helmets! Guess what? What? That was like a "what is the thing"-type what, right? Yeah, it was. Okay, just making sure. For this meeting, we're going to take a tour through the outer reaches of space! WHOA! That sounds awesome! And by space, I mean literal, physical space, as in matter occupying our plane of existence. Not outer space. Oh. So what space are we touring? We're going to take a tour through the outer reaches of Free Country, USA! Well, that's almost as good. Let's go! (Wipe to the Pillmobile moving to the right) And if you look to your left, you can see the bush where I found $20. All: Oooh. (Cut to the windshield area where we see Honstlar dressed as a bus driver.) And if you look closely on your right, you can see a rock that vaguely resembles 3rd Rock From The Sun's French Stewart. All: Aaah. And coming up ahead- (Honstlar's eyehole things widen.) Oh dear slob. (The Pillmobile stops next to a Hot Topic.) What's that mysterious establishment doing here? Hooray! They built a new restaurant! I... don't think that's a restaurant. Any building can be a restaurant if you try hard enough. Sure, I'm gonna need you to... you know, stop speaking words. Like forever. Will do! {eats his own mouth} I wonder if Hot Topic is at all related to Hot Jones. Maybe there's a Cold Topic up north somewheres. What about in between? Would that be a Room-Temperature Topic? I guess it would be. Come to think of it, I kinda wanna go there. I prefer my clothings to be room-temperature. Are you seriously not concerned about what this means?! Hot Topics don't just appear out of nowhere without a reason! Calm down, it's just a store. (Honstlar pulls SRMX12 towards him.) No, it isn't! It's a sign! A sign of what? Lemme explain. Back in Dockoville, this exact thing happened. A Hot Topic suddenly showed up. And the thing is, they weren't planning to build one! Then why did it show up? Oh, I'll tell you why it showed up! The day before it showed up, something happened... a family of emos moved in. What do emus have to do with this? I thought they were one of those stupid animals Marzipan is always trying to shave. He said emo, not emu. Do you know what this means?! Homestar thinks the animals are going bald? This means... (Zoom in on Honstlar) There's an emo in Free Country, who isn't Strong Sad. (Everyone else gasps.) {Music starts playing} We need to track down this menace! {puts on a detective hat and coat and holds up a magnifying glass} I, Detective Garbles, will solve this case! {typing} I can use my Prisma to track down the signal of emo brainwaves! I'll call for an emergency inspection at CGNU! {puts on sunglasses and a cool black suit} I'll be a secret agent with cool high-tech gadgets, sneaking around the countryside to find the intruder! Oh man, this sounds like such an exciting episode! Let's go! {Juniper walks in. The music stops.} JUNIPER: Hey, what's up with you guys? Oh. I was kinda doing a bit, but I guess it can wait. Who are you? JUNIPER: I'm the new emo in town. {puts away his magnifying glass and puts on a medal} Case closed! Greatest job, Detective Garbles! I meant your name. JUNIPER: Oh, right. That makes more sense. Well, what is it? JUNIPER: What is what? Your name. JUNIPER: What about it? What is it? JUNIPER: What is what? What is your name? JUNIPER: Oh, of course. Sorry, I understand what you meant now. Yeah, but... what is it? JUNIPER: My name? Yes, your name. What is your name? JUNIPER: I figured that was what you meant, but I just wanted to be sure. JUST TELL ME YOUR NAME ALREADY!! Juniper. What? How do you know? It's right there in the transcript! How did you miss it? Juniper: Miss what? I think he was talking to me. Juniper: Who was talking to you? Gfdgsgxgzgdrc. Juniper: Who? The blue guy. Juniper: What about the blue guy? (Irritatedly) He's Gfd. Juniper: Who is Gfd again? THE GUY WHO WAS TALKING TO ME!! Wait, I thought Who was on first base. DAAAAAHHH!!! Juniper: Well, I better be going. (Juniper starts leaving) Wait, don't go yet! Yet isn't leaving. I was talking about Juniper. Who? THE TREE GIRL!!!! What about her? SHUT UP, HOMESTAR!!! French Narrator: The Next Day... (Cut to Zascub walking into the meeting room) I hope I'm not too early! (Offscreen, nervously) ...d-divide the probability by 75, carry the 2... Uh... Honstlar? (Cut to Honstlar writing on a whiteboard) I'm thinks he's calculating the astronomically high number of sub sandwiches he will begift unto me for my somethingty-five-point-nine-one-fourth birthday! For the last time, Gfd, I am not calculating sub sandwiches. Okay, good, because I already know how many sandwiches I'm gonna force you to buy me this year. How many? I'm still calculating it. There's too many digits for the mind to comprehend, so there's a lot of math involved. What's G to the power of phleventeenty-flourth plus eleventy-twelve and two halves, times the root of beans? Shut up. I'm working. On what? I'm trying to figure out this Juniper character. What's she hiding? Why did she come here? Why do kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch? The world needs to know! Calm down man, she's just an emo. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS JUST AN EMO! And I can prove it! Oh, assistant? (Strong Sad walks in, wearing a lab coat.) SS undefined Stop calling me that. Strong Sad? What are you doing? SS undefined For all of my painful existence, I've taken pride in the fact that the chances of me finding an acquaintance who shares my pain are lower than the standards of most DeviantArt users, but with Juniper in Free Country, that fact becomes fiction. That's why I have decided to contribute in the research of this mysterious female tree. I still don't understand why she's not just an emo. Okay, fine. Take Strong Sad, for instance. He's just an emo, right? Right. WRONG! Tell him, Strong Sad! SS undefined I like bread. See? He likes bread! What else? SS undefined I can play the flute. See what I mean? He's not just an emo! He's an emo who likes bread and can play the flute! So you can just imagine the dark secrets this Juniper fellow is holding. N—no, I can't. Well, that's 'cause you haven't done all the calculations. Speaking of which, leave. I'm trying to figure out her favorite flavor of jelly bean. SS undefined What is it? {finishes an equation} Grape, apparently. SS undefined No, you forgot to carry the 5. Oh, sorry. {changes equation} It's actually cinnamon and licorice. ...That is a shockingly normal flavor for this show. That's a good point. Factor in that variable. {writes some more numbers in random places} Bagels disguised as golf cart tires, rolled through a cave full of whale blubber, and topped with a live rodent with a hearing condition. That's a jelly bean flavor?! {smiles wildly} I've been waiting for so long! Well, I guess I'm gonna be busy for the next few years. You know, you're quite disgusting. Why, thank you! (Cut to a shot of the Hot Topic at night. Honstlar, Strong Sad and Gfd are wearing green dog costumes modeled after GIR from Invader Zim.) SS undefined Remind me again why we're in these ridiculous costumes. If we want to find out more about Juniper, then we'll need to find a way to get close to her. To do that, we'll disguise ourselves as typical pieces of Hot Topic merchandise and have her buy us! {Cut to them standing around in Hot Topic. Generic store music plays faintly in the background as shoppers wander about.} Psst! Hey! I'm a merchandise! Buy me! Shut 'em up, Garbles! We have to wait for this Jupiter to arrive. No problem. I'll just call her up. {pulls out a phone and starts dialing} How do you have her phone number? I finished your calculations after you left to make these disguises. {into the phone} Hello? Jupiter? I'm a merchandise! Buy me! JUNIPER: {muffled} Down at the Hot Topic! I'm, like, a green dog thing. Only fivety five cents! We agreed on fivety seven cents! We gotta pay our bills somehow! Right. I meant fivety seven cents. JUNIPER: {muffled} No, this isn't a scam. I want you to come to Hot Topic and buy me. Also, my friends Honstlar and Strong Sad. I mean, Green Dog and Other Green Dog. Wait, am I Green Dog, or am I Other Green Dog? SS undefined I'm pretty sure I'm Other Green Dog. JUNIPER: {muffled} No, like I said, we're not people. We can't talk or anything. We're just a merchandise. I can assure you, we will not come into your house and spy on you for information. JUNIPER: {muffled} That's ridiculous. I'm not talking. I'm being completely silent. I think you're hearing things. I'm just a figment of your imagination. JUNIPER: {muffled} What do you mean? This isn't creepy at all! Just come buy these three dogs, okay? JUNIPER: {hangs up} I think it worked! She must be on her way as we speak! {Fade to night. They're still waiting.} Aaany second now... French narrator: The next day.. *sleepily* Any minute now... Juniper: *Walks up* Here she comes! Juniper: *loud sigh* Ya'll are stupid fools. We're not stupid fools! We're merchandise! J-Just.. Just go buy us! Juniper: How about no? *growls of anger* Juniper: But Strong Sad's pretty cute in a GIR costume. SS undefined Well, shucks. {She takes Strong Sad and walks up to another one of those identical cashier guys} JUNIPER: I'll take this merchandise. CASHIER: I'm 80% sure that's a guy in a costume, sir. JUNIPER: How much for the guy in a costume? CASHIER: I dunno. Hey, guy. How much you cost? SS undefined Fivety seven cents. CASHIER: Fivety seven cents, ma'am. JUNIPER: Worth it! {Cut to Strong Sad at Juniper's house, still wearing the costume. He takes out a walkie-talkie.} SS undefined {into the walkie-talkie} Psst. This is Double-S, speaking to Single-H and No-Q. I've infiltrated the emo base. Over. JUNIPER: Over what? SS undefined WAH! I, uh, can't get over how great this is to be a merchandise in this wondrous home. Juniper: {Shrugs and leaves the room and shouts} I'm just gonna go play Undertale. SS undefined {Into the walkie talkie} Psst. She just left. I'm going spying in her living room. Over. {He runs over to the gaming stuff in her living room} {From walkie talkie, muffled} SS undefined {Into walkie talkie} For an emo, she seems to own a lot of gaming stuff. Over. {Walkie talkie muffled stuff} SS undefined {Into walkie talkie, confused} And she also owns a ton of little character statuettes? Over. (From walkie talkie) I knew there was something up with her! She's shrinking people and keeping them under her tail! Also, she has a tail, over. SS undefined (Into walkie talkie) Wait, how are you doing that? Over. (From walkie talkie) Oh, it's not me, Gfd just decided to try mufflespeaking. Over. (From walkie talkie) Those classes were the best $527 I've ever spent! Odor. Juniper: {From another room} You better not be touching my amiibo collection. SS undefined {Into walkie talkie} Amiibo? Over. {From walkie talkie} Oh yeah, little statues of game characters. What does she have? Over. SS undefined {Into walkie talkie} Looks like... Luigi, Dark Pit, Kirby, Mario, Peach, Rosalina, Meta Knight, etc. Over. Juniper: {From another room} STOP LOOKING AT MY AMIIBO. SS undefined She wants me to stop looking at her amiibo. Over. JUNIPER: Stop or I'll sell you back to the store! SS undefined She says stop or she'll sell me back to the store. JUNIPER: I can hear you on that walkie-talkie! SS undefined She can hear me on this walkie-talkie. JUNIPER: Stop repeating me! SS undefined She wants me to stop repeating her. JUNIPER: ...Or else I'll tell all your friends about how you can't wear shoes. SS undefined ...Or else she'll tell you guys about how I can't wear shoes. JUNIPER: Can you put that thing down and help me make dinner? SS undefined She wants me to put this thing down and help her make dinner. {Pause} JUNIPER: Now? SS undefined Okay. {Cut back to Gfd and Honstlar, still in the store.} I think we should actually talk to her. Maybe we should. Maybe we shouldn't. {Pause} You mean we shouldn't. Yes. {Juniper walks in} JUNIPER: Hey. More merchandise. How much you guys cost? AHHH! She spoke to us! Run! {They slowly hop away in their costumes} Why are we hopping? We must have been sitting there so long, that we've lost all feeling in our legs! But I need my legs for jelly making! {Juniper facepalms.} Juniper: T'is strange strife and times we all go through. Title drAAAA- (Honstlar trips and falls.) Oof! {Juniper laughs. Pause.} {as if realizing something} Wait... say that again. "Title drAAAA— Oof!" No, after that. "Wait... say that again." No, before that. "I'm the very strongest! You guys are not very strong!" Not that far back!! Just, like, seven lines up. Why do you so desperately need me to say it again? Because we're cartoon characters! They always say "say that again" when someone gives them an idea. What's the idea? I don't know yet... because you're not saying it again!! Just tell me what the line is! {angry muttering; pulls out his phone and points to a line} Right here. This one. The one you're pointing to? Yes. Which one are you pointing to? The one where it says "Juniper laughs". Okay. "Juniper laughs". No! Don't just read the description! Juniper, you say it. JUNIPER: You want me to laugh? Yes. Just like you did before. JUNIPER: Uh... ha ha ha. That's not convincing enough. Try again. {takes off his hat} Here, I'll just play a recording of it. Why were you recording? Oh, I always record everything, just in case anyone spills some secrets that I can sell to questionable buyers for great profits. Here's the recording. {clicks a button on the hat} JUNIPER: {in the recording} {laughs} That's it! What? She laughed! That means she must not be as emo as she says! Maybe she's all right after all! JUNIPER: That's what I've tried telling you this whole time! I dunno. My calculations said otherwise. I must've made an error somewhere. I clearly calculated x=0, x referring to the variable of laughs per lifetime, 0 referring to 0. You must've miscalculated the bagels-disguised-as-golf-cart-tires-rolled-through-a-cave-full-of-whale-blubber-and-topped-with-a-live-rodent-with-a-hearing-condition-flavored jelly bean formula. You're right. That's where I went wrong! Juniper: {Presses hand(?) into forehead} Jesus Christ.. Why on EARTH.. Would you not try to talk to me? I'm goth-ish, sure, but I also like cartoons. And videro games. And drawing. AAAANNNDDD hanging out with cool guys. Ya'll seem to be cool guys if you ignore the weirdness. Don't ignore the weirdness! Embrace the weirdness! EMBRACE IT LIKE CHOCOLATE MILK. Embrace.. Embracing chocolate milk? JUNIPER: Say, embracing chocolate milk doesn't sound like such a bad idea. {Cut to the three of them drinking chocolate milk} Chocolate and milk. My two favorite things, combined into one. If only there was a possum in here, it would be perfect! Juniper: I once wrestled a possum. T'was hard, due to my stature of not in the normal height and weight of the average people. ... What? She's saying she's short. {Musical sting} Juniper: Excuse me? Uh oh... He said you're short. No, she said she's short. She said her height isn't normal. You said she's short. JUNIPER: {pointing at Honstlar} Did you call me short?! Yes, he did. I thought I made that abundantly clear. I— I don't know what you're talking about! I'm innocent! I don't deserve this! I'm too young! I have so much left to live for! He's not innocent. We all heard it, Honstlar. Fess up. I didn't do nothing! Ohh, still playing innocent, eh, liar? Whoa whoa whoa! I may be a liar, but at least I'm an Honest Liar. {smiles at the camera with a "ding"} JUNIPER: So you did call me short!! No! I didn't say that I said that. You have no proof! Or do we? D— do we? Dewey? Yes, we dew. Er, do. We do have proof. I think you've forgotten my bowler hat recorder from earlier this episode. {takes off his hat and presses a button} {in the recording} She's saying she's short. No, no! That wasn't me! It was my clone! {Pan over to Honstlar's clone} CLONE: Oh, sure, blame the clone. Just like always. Go on and fess up your crimes, Honstlar 1. CLONE 2: Don't make us call the police! Okay, fine. I called you short. But— JUNIPER: {furiously} But what? But it's accurate, isn't it? I mean, all I did was state the facts. JUNIPER: First you call me short, and then you have the audacity to call me short again?! Uh, no. JUNIPER: Go on, you short-caller. Call me short again and see what happens. Okay. You're short. Juniper: {She starts to wrestle Honstlar to the ground.} SWEET JESUS! Juniper: YAA! (Juniper grabs Honstlar's hat and rips it into a fine powder) SWEET MOTHER MARY! (Juniper picks up Honstlar's legs and starts spinning in place, then releases Honstlar and sends him flying.) SWEET WISEGUY WITH THE FRANKINCENSE! (Honstlar crashes into a gun shop.) {BANG!} SWEET- Uh... assorted Nativity animals? {Honstlar sees the guns.} SWEET DR. HANUKKAH! {He grabs a gun and runs off. Cut to Juniper and Gfd.} Wow, you threw him all the way out of the building. You must be strong! JUNIPER: Thanks, Gfd! It's quite impressive, especially because of how short you are. {Pause.} JUNIPER: Leave. What? I just said you're strong! That's a compliment! You know, because you're so miniscule in stature. You barely come up to my toes. It hurts to talk to you because I have to bend my neck down so far to see you. You're the most measly, pathetic-sized thing I've ever seen in my life. How short are you? Negative one inch? {Juniper turns red. Steam comes out of her ears as her head ignites in flames. He shakes with rage.} Oh, you're turning red. That doesn't look healthy. Have you seen a doctor about that? You might have a condition. Which is especially harmful for someone as short as y— {Cut to Earth. Gfd is thrown out of the atmosphere.} —OOOUUUU!! {Cut back to Juniper. Honstlar comes in and holds her at gunpoint.} WHAT did you just do to my cousin?! JUNIPER: Whoa! A gun?! You're taking this a bit far, don't you think? I would've used a cheese biscuit instead, except I accidentally landed in a gun shop instead of a cheese biscuit factory. It seemed like the most convenient option. Juniper: Come on you guys, I didn't hit you that hard! (He lands back into the atmosphere.) YOU SHOT ME INTO THE SPACETROSPHERE! I had to fight off armies of nineteen-legged cybernetic aliens within the center of a collapsing supernova, then I escaped through a wormhole to another dimension full of nothing but sand, USB disks, and extradimensional matter-phase-shifting space/time remnants! I had to survive for seconds in there! Seconds, I tell you!! JUNIPER: Okay... you guys called me short, and I threw you into gun shops and/or other dimensions. I guess we're all at fault here. We're even now. So now everything's fine? JUNIPER: That's right. I guess I don't need this gun. I'd better return it. But I came all this way carrying it... I might as well give it a try. {points it at Juniper and shoots} {A cheese biscuit hits Juniper in the head} JUNIPER: Ow! What was that for? This thing shoots cheese biscuits?! It's what I'm've always wanted! I am so not returning this thing. Now let's get back to our chocolate milk. Finally I can wash down all those USB disks. ALL: {fake and forced} Ah hah hah hah. {They walk offscreen.} {offscreen} Are— are we done? Is that the end? (Fade to black) Huh, I guess it is. (White text appears.) Text: 4 Hours Later Wait, scratch that, it's a flashforward. (Cut to Juniper and the BODH outside the Pillmobile.) And so, by the power invested in me, and my many bruised limbs, I hereby declare you, Juniper, the newest member of the BODH A-Team. Nowpleasedon'thurtme. JUNIPER: I won't! Maybe 'cept for a little kick. Just for old times' sake. {kicks Honstlar in the shin} OW! Was that really necessary? JUNIPER: Yeah, a little. Anyway, I now crown you... {puts a Met Helmet on her} Leading Sarcastic Remarker. JUNIPER: I've done it! I'm finally a broternal type! I know! It's quite astonishing, given your stature. You're the shortest member so far! Juniper: Just gonna ignore that you said that and not totally destroy you and your grandma's ma. Oh thank cheese biscuits you didn't go after Ol' Gram Stlarla. Old Gram Stlarla: Hooray for not beatin' me up! ALL: HOORAY FOR OL' GRAM STLARLA! {Fade to black. "end." appears.}