Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/The Broternal Traitor

In this whodunnit-style mystery thriller, the BODH suspect one of them is secretly working for Grindolo.

The following transcript has not been formatted. {Fade in to a meeting} ...And that's how I lost my arms and became half-robot. What a fascinating tale. What should we do now? Hey, we could get out SRMX12's thyme machine and go travelling through the thyme! Not a bad idea! Where is it exactly? In the secret storage closet. Right. I'll get it. {Gfd walks up to a blank wall} Password: buffalo dodgers. {A number pad appears on the wall. Gfd types in a number, and a door appears. The door opens, revealing a safe. Gfd turns the combination of the safe and opens it to find...} It's empty! What do you mean? Nothing's in here. The thyme machine, the Game Boy blender, our money, our food rations, everything important to us. 'S gone. What? Weird. One of us must've taken out all the items and forgot to put them back. Who has the closet items? {Everyone shrugs and mumbles questioningly} No one? Well, it had to have been one of us. No one else knows the password, PIN, and lock combination. Ooh, I know! I put a tracker on the machine in case of situations like this. {types at his computer; error noise} Weird. It says the time machine is... right next door. Wha— h— how did your time machine end up in our neighbor's house? Pshh. Don't ask me. I definitely don't know. ...Don't know how that happened at all. Isn't that where Grindolo lives? Hey, that's right! Grindolo must've stolen it. But what about those security measures? I specifically ordered them Grindolo-proof. One of his minions, then! Nope. Like I said, security measures. None of them could've gotten inside the closet. What's going on then? Hey, I know! I can run a diagnosis on the Prisma One! It can use data collected from the past few weeks to determine the cause of the disappearance! {more typing; ding!} Oh dear... What? Thing says one of us is working with Grindolo. You sure? It might be wrong this time. I've had it for a decade, and run thousands of tests on it. It's never been wrong before. The data does not lie! Does it say who the traitor is? No. But it does say one thing... there's only one. {Cut to one of those detective boards, with photos and newspaper clippings pinned to it, and strings connecting everything. The board spells out the title card, "THE BROTERNAL TRAITOR". Ominous opening-credits-style music plays over it.} {Fade to the Pillquarters with dimmed lights} All right, you Order. Time for some interrogation! I, Honstlar Waddler, will schl— What's with the dark? Dramatic times require dramatic lighting. Anyway, I'll ask you guys each questions. How do we know you're not the culprit? WHAT?! Pfft. That is 100% ridiculous and crazy and you should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, that kind of talk is making me think you're the traitor. Oh yeah? Well, ask me those questions and prove it yourself! Okay. First question. Where were you when— Er, right after I go run some errands. I'm super busy. I gotta... you know... buy food. Eat food. Make... uh, bread... chairs. Y'know, bread chairs? Oh no ya don't! You will answer the question! WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE CONTENTS OF THE SAFE WERE EMPTIED?!?! DAAH!! BALONEY MEATS!!! You were at baloney meats? That's all I remember, I swear, Mr. Aziz! That's not my na- Wait a minute, baloney? The deli, of course! You're free to go for the time being. (Honstlar speeds off) (Thinking) Man, even I don't move that fast when going to eat a building. Something doesn't add up... {Cut to Honstlar sneaking through the bushes in the Field suspiciously} {into a walkie-talkie} Psst. It's 5:30. You're supposed to be out here. VOICE: The coast isn't clear. There are people everywhere! Sorry, meet me back here at 3:30. We shall discuss this... double-agent business. Roger that. {turns off walkie-talkie} {offscreen} Roger what? {Pan over to Gfd right next to Honstlar} {startled} DWAHH! Uh, Gfd! How nice to see you on this fine summer's day! Shall I interest you in a pie? Who were you talking to? My cousin. His name is... R—Rodney. Yes. Really? That seems unlikely, 'cause we're cousins, and that means Rodney is also my cousin. I think I'd know him already. Oh. He's from Brazil. Then why did that voice sound so familiar? It's all in your head, my friend. Let's go finish that meeting. {Cut back to the meeting. SRMX12 is nervously typing at his computer.} Hey, SRMX12. What are you typing about? Oh, nothing. Just... typing some things. {peeks over at the screen} It looks like you're sending an email. Uh... yeah. Yeah, I am. You're emailing to... {reads} tprtndr@wedsize.egg? Who's that? Oh, "tprtndr" is short for, uh, Tapper Tender. He's a... a cousin of mine. Definitely a cousin. You sound like you're hiding something. No, I'm not. Okay, I guess I'll take your word for it. But, uh, can I read your emails? NO! Oh, okay then. {Honstlar and Gfd walk in} Hey guys. What'd we miss? SRMX12 was just emailing someone called "tprtndr". I told you, Tapper Tender. My cousin. Great! Because I was just out doing some totally unsuspicious things too. Not talking to a bad guy at all. Speaking of which, can I go do something... that's also totally not talking to a bad guy? Yeah, I need to finish my email... someplace else. There's someone I need to call. Me as well. I have things to do as well, so... meeting adjourned! {under his breath} Phew. {They all leave quickly.} {Cut to behind the Pillquarters. Greg lurks in the shadows, then takes out a walkie-talkie.} Krggh. This is Greg to Cleanser. Come in, Cleanser. I'm leaving the key under the doormat. Just let yourself in. And remember, do not get caught. I can't let the others know what I've been up to. Over and out. {A dramatic chord plays.} It's actually just "out". "Over and out" is a nonsensical oxymoron. GWAHHH! SRMX12! Hi! How are you? Today? This week? Good? Great? Not good? That's too bad. Wait a minute... Were you... were you talking to the Cleanser Geek? NO! No, of course not. That's ridiculous. That's bonkers. You're bonkers. See you later, bonkers. I knew you were the traitor! I have to warn the Supreme Overlord! {Cut to Honstlar sneaking through the bushes} Psst. Are you here? You were supposed to meet me here at 3:30. {Mr. Dando rises from behind the bushes.} Of course. You didn't think I forgot, did you? {Another dramatic chord plays.} I'm so glad you're helping me pull this off. Yep. Working for the other side ain't easy. Background Voices: Dun-dun-DUN! {Cut to SRMX12 running through the Field.} Supreme Overlord! Supreme Overlord! I just found out Greg is the traitor! He was calling the Cleanser Geek! {SRMX12 runs into Honstlar.} There you are! I figured it out! The traitor is Greg! It's him, I tell you! Wait. Is that Mr. Dando? What? No. He's standing right behind you. {whispering to Mr. Dando} Stay still. Maybe he won't notice you. {to SRMX12} I don't see anything. You must be seeing things. Do you need new glasses? He's right there! No, I'm not. See? He says he's not there! That's proof! You're just paranoid. Why are you paranoid? Could it be because... you're the traitor? No! That's ridiculous! ...Says the person who keeps emailing "tprtndr". Who could that be? The Pretender, perchance? I— I told you, it's my cousin Tapper Tender! {offers his laptop} Here, I'll let you read all my emails for proof! Really? Okay. Gimme the 'puter. Whoa. Um. Okay. I wasn't expecting you to call me out on my bluff. I don't actually want you to read my emails. {takes the computer back} {The rest of the BODH, except Gfd, walks onscreen.} How suspicious. Uh oh. Did you hear our conversation? All of it. Hey, is that Mr. Dando? No. Okay, something isn't adding up. The computer results said there was only one traitor. But if Honstlar is talking to Mr. Dando, and Greg is talking to the Cleanser Geek, and SRMX12 is emailing the Pretender... that's three. Don't forget, Gfd was acting suspicious too. "Totally not talking to a bad guy"? He's totally talking to a bad guy. I'm betting on Honstlar. Remember the interrogation earlier? He was so determined to prove his innocence. He was blaming everyone for what seemed like no reason at all. Looks like we'd better have another meeting to clear some things up. We're all here, so let's just go to the Pillquarters. Wait. Where's Garbles? {Cut to an establishing shot of Castle Grindolo, then cut to Grindolo's shadow on the wall. Gfd's shadow approaches.} Ah, you return. Thank you for your hard work. No problem. Is there anything else you need me to do? You've already stolen their time machine and all the contents of their safe. The only thing that remains is their doom. You want me to kill them? No. I want to kill them. I want you to make it easier for me. Make them weak. Make them doubtful. That's easy! They've already turned against each other. They think there's a traitor amongst them. All I need to do is fuel their paranoia a bit more! Perfect. Now go back to that meeting and stir up some trouble. Sure thing. It's a real shame this new castle is so much smaller than your old one... but then again, it makes this whole double agent thing much easier, since your old one was all the way up on the moon, what with all the— Go. Ugh. Fine. {Gfd's shadow walks off. Cut to the Pillquarters, where the BODH are sitting around a table. Gfd walks in.} Sorry I'm late, Supreme Supremelord! I was eating a gallon of ham. What are we doing this thyme? SB undefined {sigh} Of course you're late. I wouldn't expect any more from the human stomach over here. What is Strong Bad doing here? He wasn't a member last time I checked. That's exactly the point. The Prisma One said that any one of us could be a traitor. Strong Bad isn't one of us, so he volunteered to help us figure out this whole thing. SB undefined Volunteered? You had to pay me fifty bucks, remember? Plus the extra ten bucks you bribed me to blame Rabite instead of you. Wait, what? What a silly joke, Strong Bad. Oh, Strong Bad. Always with the silly, silly, ridiculous, crazy, untrue jokes. Continue. SB undefined So, uh... {glances at his ten bucks} I think the traitor is Rabite. No! Yes! Well, that's that. I guess that proves it wasn't me! You have no proof! We deserve a fair trial! SB undefined Fine. No, no, go back. I agree that Rabite did it. SB undefined Go on. The other day I went to Grindolo's castle to beat him up or whatever, and I saw Rabite taking orders from Grindolo! She's trying to kill us all! {gasp} No! I... I would never! SB undefined I'm convinced... See? My ten bucks do not lie! SB undefined ...but, we should still interrogate everyone else. There's still a whole lotta weird stuff goin' on. The whole Mr. Dando situation, Gfd's suspiciousness, Greg's secret messages, SRMX12's emails... if Rabite's the culprit, that doesn't explain everything else. I think everyone's a traitor except me. I will forever remain loyal to this Broternal Order of Different Helmets. SB undefined Shut up. First, Honstlar. You were spotted talking to Mr. Dando, a minion of Grindolo. Why was this? He needed to borrow some sugar. He lives right next door to us, remember? SB undefined Yeah, but... why would he ask his worst enemy? Especially considering he's a bad guy. He can just steal sugar, or get some from Grindolo's castle or whatever. {whispering aggressively} Remember the deal? Wink wink? SB undefined Right, sorry. Whatever. I hereby declare Honstlar innocent. Next up, Garbles. That's me! As I've stated plenty a time before, I ain't done nothin'! So fess up, everyone! 'Cause it's not me! SB undefined Shut up. You've been acting weird lately... like, even for you. Your fellow helmet-types claim you've been going missing way more than usual. Where do you go usually? To eat supermarkets mostly. Speaking of which, one time I saw Zascub trying to blow up a supermarket. And Grindolo was there! He must be working with Rabite. SB undefined SRMX12's results clearly state that there is only one traitor. You keep blaming multiple people. Could it be you who is the one traitor? No way! That's almost hilarious! Speaking of SRMX12... he's the one who told us the results. We didn't see it for ourselves. Because there's a lot of computer language involved. Most people wouldn't be able to decipher it. Showing you the results wouldn't prove anything. How do we know that? Maybe you lied. Maybe there's multiple traitors. And that would make you one of them. Fess up, SRMX12! I figured out your plan! Even if I was a traitor, which I'm not, why would I admit there is one at all? I could've said "Grindolo got in through the back door" or something, instead of giving myself away. You're thinking like a traitor. I find that suspicious. ...Says the one who keeps blaming everyone. I'm thinking logically. I've studied psychology, I know how criminals think. It doesn't mean I am one. SB undefined Okay, this is getting fun. Let's keep going! Who's next? SRMX12, I believe. SB undefined Ah, perfect. So, Mr. 12, let's look at the facts. One, witnesses recall you sending secret emails to "tprtndr", and B, you told them that there was one traitor, when it seems there are multiple. I was only reading what the Prisma told me. SB undefined I see. And who is this... The Prisma? It's my 'puter. SB undefined I see. And is it possible that this Prisma is the real traitor? What? No! It doesn't even have a mind of its own. {pause; starts typing} Yet. SB undefined All right. I'm keepin' an eye on you. Next up is the Coachy. What's up, Coachy? Not much. I think I'm innocent. SB undefined Yeah, you haven't done anything suspicious so far, so you're good. But then again, your non-suspiciousness is somewhat suspicious. Tell you what, you're a suspect too now. What?! But I— SB undefined Next! Hi, my name is EDITED Video Greg, and— SB undefined I know your name, I created you. Right. He was spotted calling the Cleanser Geek, and— —which automatically makes him guilty. To the slammer with him! SB undefined Shut up, shut up. Let's hear him out. So, Greg, why were you calling an overly sanitary nerd, and why is this a bad thing? The Cleanser Geek is one of our mortal nemesess...es. SB undefined That makes more sense. So, what's the deal, Greg? I told you, I never called the Cleanser Geek. But SRMX12 saw you doing it! SB undefined Ah, so SRMX12 saw him doing it, you say? "Saw" him doing it? "Saw" "him" "doing it"? What are you implying? SB undefined I'm implying that you framed your fellow helmetm'n to clear your name, traitor. Yeah! When will you learn that framing other people for things is wrong? By the way, I saw him, uh... doing an evil thing. And it was very evil. To the dungeon with you! SRMX12... can you describe to everyone exactly what you heard? I heard him tell the Cleanser Geek that— Exactly. Verbatim, please. I heard him say "Greg to Cleanser" and tell her that "he was leaving the key under the doormat". He told her to "let herself in" and to do it "without getting caught". "Greg to Cleanser". That's what I said. "Cleanser" is a fairly common word, right? There are all types of cleansers. I could've been talking to anybody. Besides, there's no proof. As far as anyone else knows, you could be lying. Okay, so let's say, hypothetically, it's someone else who you just so happen to call "Cleanser". Why would you want them to come inside without us knowing? Especially right after our stuff was just stolen? Sounds fishy to me. I, uh... I have the right to remain silent. SB undefined A'ight. You're a suspect. Next is the balloonm'n. Wait, where is he? {offscreen} Call you back. {walks in holding his phone} Hey, guys. SB undefined What were you doing over there? Oh, nothing. {absorbs the phone into his body and sits down} SB undefined "Nothing", huh? In the middle of an investigation? You were calling that no-gooder Grindolo, weren't you? Giving him all our secrets? What? N—n—n—n—n—n—n—n—n—n—n—no. SB undefined That's an awful lot of stuttering. I stutter when people accuse me of things I didn't do. SB undefined Or things you did do. Can I borrow your phone? No. SB undefined That wasn't a question. Yes it was. SB undefined Well, not anymore. {sigh} Okay. {tosses the phone} SB undefined {mumbles} Call history... ah-ha! Most recent call: Grindolo!! With frequent calls to Grindolo dating back to... {scrolls through the phone} several weeks ago! You're workin' for the other side! Those were all prank calls! I swear! SB undefined If you're so into prank calls, why haven't you contacted me? You know I'm a prank call masta! {high, squeaky voice} Hey there, Miss Arzipan. This is... Trisha Veganface, from the Vegan... Society. Just calling to let you know, the next big eco-friendly animal product-free superfood is... uh, bleach! Yeah, bleach and other chemicals contain a whole bunch of vitamins and... minerals... and calcium... and all those things that make you strong and healthy! So I'd just go through all the chemicals you have under the sink and in the bathroom and... you know what, throw in mildew. If you can find any mildew in your kitchen, or... actually, if you find any cobwebs or gross bugs, eat those too. And garbage. Landfills are bad for the environment, so eat as much of your garbage as you can. Thanks for not eating dumb animals! See you soon! Beep! {normal voice} See? Masta! I didn't think of that, I guess. SB undefined Right, of course you didn't. Sounds awful fishy to me. All right, who up next? How 'bout Rabite? SB undefined Sure. So the bluem'n here says you took orders from Grindolo. This true? We went over this. I did no such thing. SB undefined That's debatable, but it's been discussed, so let's move on. What about this, uh, Zascub? Anyone got any incriminating evidence? As I've said, he tried to blow up a supermarket with Grindolo. I did not! SB undefined Bluem'n, you keep accusing everyone of stuff. I'm beginning to suspect that you're not a reliable source. Me? Unreliable? {scoffs} Perish the thought! This is all very confusing. Can you recap this whole interrogation? SB undefined Sure. Honstlar: secretly speaking with Mr. Dando, and bribed me to blame someone else. Gfd: leaves at random times, and blames everyone else with no evidence. SRMX12: the only one to confirm the one traitor, claiming Greg called the Cleanser Geek, and emailing "tprtndr" in secret. Coach E: suspiciously unsuspicious. Greg: apparently called the Cleanser Geek. Stom: calls Grindolo regularly. Rabite: apparently took orders from Grindolo. Zascub: apparently tried to blow up a supermarket with Grindolo. Thanks. That was a nice little rundown. Aren't we forgetting someone? Hey, yeah! What about Sume? SB undefined Right. Forgot about her. {turns to an empty chair} Sume, do you confirm or deny— {realizes the chair is empty} Crap. {Cut to Sume in Castle Grindolo.} And when the time is right, we will strike and end the Broternal Order once and for all. I like your style, new recruit. {Silence.} BACKGROUND VOICE: Would now be a good time to do the thing? BACKGROUND VOICE 2: Sure, why not. BACKGROUND VOICES: Dun-dun-DUNNN! {Cut to the outside of Castle Grindolo. The rest of the BODH arrives.} Are you sure you tracked her here? Unfortunately, yes. So Sume is the traitor? We have no confirmation, but seeing as she escaped here in secret... seems that way. Well, that sucks. She was a pretty good janitor. {Cut back to Grindolo's throne room.} So how long have you been on my side? The whole time. I've been pulling the strings behind the scenes, manipulating everyone all the time. Like some sort of chessmaster supervillain. Wonderful. This feels too good to be true. {Cut to the BODH peeking in through the door.} {whispering} This feels too bad to be true. {whispering} So Sume was the traitor. That makes sense. {whispering} No, it doesn't. Something isn't adding up. Sume, I have an assignment for you. Whatever you wish, my master. For some reason, the Broternal Order thought they could sneak through my castle and peek through the door without me noticing. But I did. I'd like you to get rid of them. {whispering} He knows we're here. {whispering} Yeah, I heard. Yes, master, whatever you say is my command. All the time. Without a doubt. Ever. And I will serve you 'til the end. Whenever that is. Could be hundreds of years from now. If I live that long. And I am loyal to you always, and all that, and, uh... You're stalling. Kill them now. Uh, sure. I'll do that. I'll do that right now. This instant, in fact. Immediately. Before you know it. {slowly walks to the exit} Hurry it up. Don't make me do it myself. Yes, master. {Sume runs out the door, and bumps into the rest of the gang.} Guys! What are you doing here?! I tracked your DNA signature with an algorithm I coded on my computer. It was a very tedious process, and I had to— I get it. But... you guys can't be here. Grindolo knows you're here. Yeah, we know you know Grindolo knows we know... something. So you're not the traitor. What? Of course not! I was fed up with all this uncertainty, and went to Castle Grindolo as a double agent to get some answers. I wanted to see who the traitor was. Intriguing. AHH! Grindolo! That was a lie. I am loyal to you, really. I was just convincing these fools that I was still on their side, so I can continue being a double agent. How foolish do you think I am? I knew you were on this side the whole time. I was just playing along to lure you all here. And now that you're here... you will die. {Grindolo sends lightning at everyone except Gfd.} Garbles... help... us... {Gfd looks at the BODH writhing on the floor, then at Grindolo, then back. Anxious, he runs away.} That's... suspicious. Well... this is it. I guess we're... going to be dead in a sec. How unfortunate. {Suddenly, Mr. Dando runs in and punches Grindolo in the face, stopping the lightning. Everyone gets up off the floor, and Gfd returns.} Mr. Dando?! It was me. I was the traitor all along. I'm not buying it. Dando... first Cleanser betrays me, and now you? You sicken me. So my computer was right. There was a traitor, but not on our side. You guys! This is clearly an act. He's lying to us so we'll trust him. If Mr. Dando wanted us dead, he wouldn't have interfered. Grindolo had us until Dando punched him in the face. But if Mr. Dando was the real traitor, how does that explain all the weird stuff that's been going on? I wasn't supposed to tell you this yet, but... I've been meeting with Mr. Dando secretly. He wanted me to help him become a good guy. Why didn't you tell us? I was waiting for the right moment. I didn't want to hit you with a shocking revelation out of nowhere. But you bribed Strong Bad to blame Rabite. Well, of course I did. I didn't want to be falsely accused. I feel like that applies to a lot of us, actually. We all acted nervous because none of us wanted to be accused of treason. What about SRMX12's emails to "tprtndr"? I told you guys. I was emailing my cousin, Tapper Tender. And how do you explain Greg's calls to the Cleanser Geek? I wasn't calling the Cleanser Geek. I was calling a cleanser. A literal cleanser to help clean the Pillquarters. I had to talk to him secretly so it would be a surprise. And Stom's calls to Grindolo? They were prank calls, I said. I didn't want to tell you guys because I was kind of embarrassed about it. It's a guilty pleasure, you see. So that settles it then. We're all innocent. There was nothing to worry about after all! We're— Wait. What about Gfd? Hey, yeah. He keeps leaving in the middle of meetings, acting suspicious, blaming everyone else without evidence, and Grindolo didn't even try to kill him. Exactly. How do you explain that, Garbles? How do I explain it? I'll tell you. {Gfd jumps up and kicks Mr. Dando in the face.} I am the traitor. NO!! I knew it. Gfd! This can't be true! Please, tell us you're still on our side! Too bad, chumps. I was never on your side. I've been working with Grindolo for years. "Chumps"? Don't call us chumps, you traitor! No, no, it's not that. I think he's... {a realization dawns on him} Hold on. {SRMX12 picks up Greg's sketchbook and draws a giant space blaster.} WHAT?! Are you going to shoot Gfd? No. {SRMX12 shoots a blast at Gfd. He starts glitching, then he turns into the Pretender.} I'm shooting the Pretender. Fine. You got me. Ever since we stole the Klanktorian holograph suit last episode, I've been pretending to be Gfd. You're finally living up to your name. So that's how our time machine got stolen. Now everything makes sense. But where's the real Gfd? (Gfd's face appears on Honstlar's helmet.) Truly a question for the ages... Gfd! You're my hat! I know you are, but what am I? {Everyone laughs as the scene fades out. Cut to Honstlar's hat with the word "end."} {A few seconds later, cut to the BODH in the Pillquarters, where they are talking to Mr. Dando through SRMX12's computer.} I've convinced Grindolo that I still work for him, so I'll continue being a double agent for the foreseeable future. Oh, good. Any news? That's why I called, actually. Grindolo's planning something... something big. It's his greatest plan yet, he says, and will spell the end of the BODH. Those are his words. It's unstoppable and will— Tell us what it is already! Right, right. It's... oh crap! He's coming! {The call ends.} I still don't trust him. If he was on our side, he would've returned our time machine by now. That's true. He's probably lying. I doubt we're in imminent danger. {Cut to Castle Grindolo.} Waddler and his friends are in imminent danger. Are the devices ready? Take a look. {They walk to SRMX12's time machine. The scene zooms out, revealing dozens of other identical time machines.} One time machine, dozens of timelines. Just like you demanded, boss. Excellent. Execute order... "chaos". {Ominous music plays. The Pretender types into a computer, and the time machines vanish in a flash of light. A few seconds later, one time machine reappears with a silhouette resembling Duplicato inside, followed by another with a silhouetted Jimley. Zoom out as the time machines slowly reappear, each with a different silhouette: Tappatok robots, the HDOB, Old-Timey Strong Bad, Trogdor, and more.} {Cut to black, with text reading "to be continued in THE BROTERNAL MOVIE: ORDER VS. CHAOS".}