Stinkoman Emails/3

Stinkoman Email #3: Homsar

Summary: Stinkoman is made aware of a strange creature going by the name "Homsar". By a strange coincidence, a creature very similar to Homsar just happens to show up in Stinkoman's city.

Cast (in order of appearance): Stinkoman, Stinkoman's Computer Assistant, Zero, 1-Up

Places: Stinkoman Headquarters, The Field

Date: June 15, 2020

Stinkoman Email #3: Homsar


''{You know the drill. Stinkoman is sitting at his holographic computer and does the thing. An email pops on-screen. He then proceeds to read the email after doing a little intro.}''

STINKOMAN: Insert something to do with emails here.

Dear Stinkoman

If you hate Homsar so much, why don't you kill him?

Keep it toasty,

Madam Roasty

{He slows down at the word "Homsar" with a couple of confused grumbling noises before he finishes reading.}

STINKOMAN: Hey, wuh-hoozat-waaaah? Who or what is a "Homsar"? Even if I knew what that was... which I don't... I would never kill someone. It is unspoken rule of challenge-ing. The list of things that you can do to your opponent in a challenge is grand, however. Nothing to scoff at.

{Stinkoman clears the screen so that he can writing out a list.}

STINKOMAN: You can maim, wound, injure, cut, strangle, asplode, liquify, incinerate, burn and beat the ever-loving snot out of someone that challenges you, but never under any circumstances can you kill them. We're not monsters! Though you have got me curious about this "Homsar" fellow. I wonder if he would inquire as to a CHALLEEEEEEENGE! He sounds very powerful. I will not kill him, but I would certainly like to engage in a couple rounds of fisticuffs!

{Stinkoman somersaults out of his hover-chair and lands on his feet, glancing up toward the top of the screen.}

STINKOMAN: HOO-WAH! Computer, do a search of the Internet for this so-called "Homsar".

COMPUTER VOICE: Searching, searching, searching. {Ding.} One result found on an obscure website. Something called "The Homestar Runner Wiki".

STINKOMAN: Okay, what does it say about Homsar?

COMPUTER VOICE: His origins are unknown. Prominent between the years of 2001 and 2021. He has an usual speaking pattern. He has survived multiple attempts on his life. He's been crushed by a heavy lourde, run over by a car, thrown from a cliff, covered in scorpions.

STINKOMAN: Woah! He sounds like someone who I'd very much like to challenge! Any weaknesses?

COMPUTER VOICE: Nothing comes up under weaknesses.

STINKOMAN: Alright, perhaps we need to look at this whole thing from another perspective. What are his strengths?

COMPUTER VOICE: He has the ability to manipulate time and space around him. He can shapeshift, levitate, duplicate himself--

STINKOMAN: Wait, wait, wait! Are you kidding me? How the heck am I supposed to go up against someone like that? Crap! Are you telling me that... I might not be the greatest fighter in the universe? This is baloney!

COMPUTER VOICE: Well, it may--

STINKOMAN: BALONEY!

COMPUTER VOICE: ...

STINKOMAN: ...

COMPUTER VOICE: Well, it may interest you to know that Homsar has not been active in the past two decades having seemingly disappeared off the face of the planet. So, you still hold the label of the greatest fighter currently alive.

{As the computer talks, a holographic projection of Homsar is displayed in front of Stinkoman and he grumbles angrily.}

STINKOMAN: So I can't even put my skills to the test against this no-armed whitey? You thought that would make me happy?

COMPUTER VOICE: Oh, well, uh...

STINKOMAN: Sigh. Grumble, mumble, fumble, stumble, grumble. Forget about it. I'm going for a walk. Rest, computer.

''{Powering down noise. Stinkoman walks off-screen to the right. Screen-wipe to the field with a clear view of city buildings in the background. (You know. The usual place 20X6 scenes take place.) Stinkoman enters the screen from the left and is walking with his head down, clearly saddened.}''

STINKOMAN: It's weird to think what might have been.

ZERO: {excited voice, off-screen} Aaaaaaaaaa! You can do anything you want if you try hard enough!

STINKOMAN: {snaps out of his thoughts and looks around confused} Wah-wuh? Who said that?

''{Suddenly a strange 1-Up-looking boy, shorter in height, wearing a blue hoodie and bowler hat with tiny black circular eyes hangs upside down in front of Stinkoman, seemingly hanging from something off-screen. This is Zero (or this show's version of 20X6 Homsar).}''

ZERO: If you had a dollar for every dollar you had, you'd have twice as many dollars!

STINKOMAN: {Pause, blinks.} Um... thanks? Well, I'd best be going now.

{As if like a blue blur, Zero runs around Stinkoman and then jumps on to his back, putting his face really close to Stinkoman's.}

ZERO: You see, love is like an onion. The more you peel it, the more it stinks.

STINKOMAN: Ah, get off of me!

{Zero jumps off of Stinkoman's face and stands in front of him, still super close.}

ZERO: Who am I you ask? Well, that's a very good question! I'm the human wedgie!

STINKOMAN: You're worse than 1-Up! And here I never thought I'd say that.

ZERO: I have to say this dinner party is top dollar!

STINKOMAN: Nothing... prompted that.

ZERO: Would you like to ride my velociraptor?

STINKOMAN: Okay, enough! I've had it up to HERE with your shenanigans! Quit waffling on with your hullabaloo! Either make some sense or get out of face, you awful, strange little man!

ZERO: I know where he is.

STINKOMAN: Where who is?

ZERO: Homsar, of course! Didn't I say that? Honestly, Stinkoman. Pay attention!

STINKOMAN: You know... where Homsar is? Where?

ZERO: Well, it all started way back in the old-timey days. There was a wrestle-guy with a mustache and the strong man, too!

STINKOMAN: Is this actually going somewhere?

ZERO: Is what going somewhere?

STINKOMAN: This story.

ZERO: Oh, I like stories!

STINKOMAN: Yes, but where is Homsar?

ZERO: I like stories!

STINKOMAN: Okay, this is clearly going nowhere. Have a good day! Or bad day! I don't care! Just leave me alone.

''{Stinkoman pushes Zero out of the way and storms passed him. A scribble of anger manifesting from his brow. Zero just smiles again.}''

ZERO: I like stories.

{The camera pans slightly to the left to see 1-Up standing there.}

1-UP: I like pudding.

ZERO: I like stories.

1-UP: I like pudding.

ZERO: I like stories.

1-UP: I like pudding.

ZERO: I like stories.

{Cut back to Stinkoman at his holographic computer, finishing off his email response.}

STINKOMAN: You know what, Toasty? Remember when I said that I would never kill anyone under any circumstances? Yeah, I take that back. I'm willing to make one exception to the no-killing rule! But, that exception certainly isn't this "Homsar" dude. I can tell you that!

Easter Eggs

 * Click on the word "Homsar" in Stinkoman's reply and it cuts to Homsar being shot similarly to his character video.
 * HOMSAR: AaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAa! Don't fall asleep tonight. You might not wake up, Stwong Baaaaayaad.
 * STRONG BAD: {off-screen} Uhh...

Fun Facts

 * Zero is the 20X6 version of Homsar for the Stinkoman Emails series.
 * His personality differs from "present-day" Homsar is a similar way to how Stinkoman differs from Strong Bad and and 1-Up differs from Homestar Runner. Zero is essentially a hyperactive child with speed-related powers that spews non-sequiters out of his oral cavity non-stop. He'd be just as intolerable to the other characters as Homsar is to the other characters of the Homestar Runner universe.
 * The references Stinkoman's computer assistant makes to Homsar surviving death on multiple occasions are mostly from actual Homestar Runner toons.
 * Strong Bad attempted to crush Homsar with a heavy lourde in homsar.
 * Strong Bad buried him alive and covered him with scorpions in your friends.
 * Homsar was hanging from and a literal cliff in the appropriately titled cliffhangers.
 * It is also established in the Homestar Runner universe that he can use his fourth wall breaking abilities to duplicate himself, levitate, bend time and space. However, this has more to do with the fact that he is an odd character adopting cartoon logic as opposed to him being some god-like entity.
 * 1-Up liking pudding became a reoccuring gag on the original Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki and was particularly a staple of the original 1-Up Emails as a result of 1-Up mentioning having a taste for the food in Under Construction.