Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/The Badpocalypse

The BODH is threatened by the prospect of losing their money after they realize most of them have no jobs and to fix this they must become even more family friendly than before, but a new disciple of a familiar face may be behind it all.

The following transcript has not been formatted. {Fade in to the Pillquarters interior} ...And that's why I always start with the final sentence of a story, making it sound strange out of context! Yeah, that's great. What's today's meeting about? Three words: Insanity Pie Recipies. What does that mean? Allow me to elucidate! Here we go... {Glasses and a graduate cap fall from above and land on Gfd. A chalkboard with a picture of a pie on it lands in front of him. He takes out a pointing stick from Hammerspace and points at the chalkboard.} Many of you are familiar with ordinary, traditional pie recipes. Apple pie, pumpkin pie, salad pie, reptile pie, dark matter pie, and suchforth. Everyone eats dozens of these pies every day. Insanity Pie Recipes, on the other hand, are slightly stranger than regular pies. I can't name any, unfortunately, because the mere mention of their name will cause your mind to collapse into madness, hence the name Insanity Pie. They're just too much for the human brain to handle. In fact, simply tasting an Insanity Pie will cause the atoms in your brain to implode, turning your mind into a black hole that will consume the entire universe, destroying all life. Despite this inconvenience, they're still pretty good. How can we talk about recipes for pies that if we even mention, will make us go coo-coo? Just try not to explode. You'll be fine. What if we can't? Then the universe is no more. No pressure though, it's not a big deal. {Homestar barges in.} You guys! I think I lost our monies! Someone stole my collection of pewter Lisa Monet figurines?! No, our monies. You know, dolla dolla bills? What about our dolla points? No, no, we still got all those. Oh, thank groodness. Homestar, where did you lose the monies? I lost 'em under the table! {looks under the table} Hey, you're right. They are under there. Oh, thank groodness again. {The pile of money poofs out of existence} AHH! Our money's gone poofed away! Not again! How dare you, groodness! This is catastrophic! What will we do without all our cents? I can't buy that 500-foot sub sandwich I was going to eat this afternoon! We must have saladry! I can't flavor without fifteen green ones! Hey, Dooble's right. We need salaries. How are we supposed to find jobs? Well, what are we good at? For starters, we're currently on a show, so we're good at that, I guess. Wait, we don't get paid for being on this show? I guess not. It isn't on TV or anything. We need to pitch our show to a TV network-type thing! Let's go! (Cut to outside of the Comcast building... which is shaped like a giant peacock.) COMCAST GUY: So, you have a TV show for me? {Cut to the inside of the pitch room} Yes sir, I do. Picture this: several weirdos with different headgear in an exclusive secret club, attending meetings in the basement of a giant shiny pill. COMCAST GUY: Are... are you okay? No, he isn't, but that's unrelated. This is the actual show we're pitching. COMCAST GUY: No one would ever watch that. Sounds awful. Sometimes the club goes on adventures and beats bad guys. There's this spirit of an ancient warlock, a green Internet troll with a robot body, a grumpy old man who sometimes murders people, a poorly drawn humor-hating lady... COMCAST GUY: All right, get out. Just get out. No wait! It's exciting! There are, like, waffles and stuff! COMCAST GUY: Waffles? Okay, I guess you have my attention. I'll just keep humoring you for a bit. So, will it be hard to defeat these bad guys? No, it'll be super easy, barely an inconvenience. COMCAST GUY: That doesn't sound very exciting. Can you at least describe some of the episodes or something? There was this one time when I ate a peace conference, and then we told some stories, and another time when we played a board game, we once tried to make some internet jokes, once we went to college, we watched a review show, and visited a mall, we attended a seminar, reviewed some games, and did some other stuff. COMCAST GUY: Those are terrible. No, wait wait wait wait! There's this one episode where the characters talk about insane pies, then the dumb one loses everyone's money, then they complain 'bout how they're not on TV, then they pitch their show to a terrible Comcast guy, and then I get interrupted when I start talking about— COMCAST GUY: "Complain 'bout how they're not on TV"? Well, I guess they're gonna keep complaining, 'cause it's not gonna happen. But Mr. Comcast, we— wait. {to Stom} "Dumb one"? {shrugs} COMCAST GUY: Listen. You guys seem okay, but your show sounds just, like, the worst. If we changed your show up slightly, we just might be able to get it on the channel. You hear that guys? We might be on NBC! Just like how I might have accidentally eaten the can of Pringles that Honstlar might have put in the foyer. We have a foyer? (Cut to inside of the Pillquarters.) So, what are those changes Comcast Guy was talking about? Oh, probably just minor things, like my bowler hat will be green, or SRMX12 will have a different computer, or Gfd will be smart, or Stom will be turned into a raisin. Nothing major, I'm sure. PS undefined Mail Call! (A letter with the NBC logo printed on it hits Honstlar on the back of the head, causing him to fall.) Hey, it's from the network. (Opens the letter) Dear BODH... We have considered your request... {excitedly} ...and your show will be broadcast on public tevelision! We have figured out all the changes that will be made. For starters, your show will become wholesome family programming... ...for the 8-8½ demographic. You know, the kind where the characters all read something at the same time, alternating at random... ...times. Wait a minute... PUBLIC television?! They tricked us! We were supposed to be ready for primetime, not sanitized for Sesame Street! WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!! Retooling begins as soon as you finish reading this letter, Signed... (Honstlar's eyes widen.) ...EVA ZUZUKO?!?!?! Oh no! (The Cleanser Geek bursts through the door) Oh yes! My mortal enemy! It was YOU all along! Indeed. Comcast Guy was... shall I say... a new disciple of sorts. He was in on the plan. I've been planning this sweet moment for a long, long time. You'll never get away with it! Yeah, I will. I signed the page. It's guaranteed at this point. Now I can just sit back, relax, and watch the new and improved humor of your formerly-awful show. You're wrong! We'll find a way out of this somehow! Right, guys? Eh, I doubt it. Especially considering the theme song starts in two seconds. What? {Cut to the theme song, which consists exclusively of the title card over a music sting.} COMCAST GUY: Tss-tss-tss. Theme songs...we aren't in the era of toyetic cartoons anymore. We only need to use the full theme song in the event that we need to fill up extra time, or alternatively if against our collective wills somebody starts forcing us to run on Ted Turner mathematics and we need to run the show five minutes later than needed. We're on public television, though. Kids need the attention span of reading at the very least. Perhaps you aren't familiar with the mechanics of public television: The money is always right. ...But we won't make a dime off this show. That was your fatal flaw, hombre. Comcast Guy, show them. (Comcast Guy begins projecting something. APM music begins over a cheesy '50s like slideshow.) Narrator: The Badpocalypse. You may not be aware, but your show runs entirely off of the profits of viewers like me, no thanks to you. In exchange for you refusing to earn money off of this show, we sneak in advertisements so subtle nobody gives a piece of crap, let alone a whole crap, about them. (We see an old screenshot of the BODH, we zoom in closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer until finally one single pixel engulfs the entire screen: it's a plane flying a banner for "The Deathly Parlor: The World's Most Complicated Sleeping White Noise". A second plane flies in carrying a new banner: "Balderdash Insurance: Not Even The Beach is Safe from Our Hackneyed Bad MadTV Skits-Cum-Commercials) Narrator: In summation, you receive money for this show if you want it or not, and therefore sell your soul to companies and must relinquish your blood, sweat, tears, determination, bloody knuckles, broken bones, toil and MovieCDs so badly Winston looks like Neville in comparison. In summation 2, any time you complain, we can just label you as a greedy pig wanting to get paid by our advertisers and tell you to end the show if you hate it that badly. Have a nice day. (Everyone is asleep at this point, "Chameleon Twist", "Dr. Muto", "Cartoon Network Racing" and "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie Ninja Pro-Am" can be heard before they wake up) It's not so bad, really. Maybe we're on KQED Plus and can legally watch anime. Narrator: Today's episode: Playing the game Two Weeks while unboxing a Kinder Surprise Egg. {Cut to half the BODH holding a Kinder Surprise egg in a box, while the other half plays Two Weeks in the background} Welcome, viewers. Who's ready to watch a game being played and an egg coming out of a box? AUDIENCE: Booo! {Vegetables are thrown at the BODH} AAGH! Why did we ever choose to put a live audience in here? We didn't! It was Cleanser! Quick, somebody change the channel! {The TV turns off. Cut to the BODH.} What was that mess? That didn't seem like the 8-8½ demographic we were promised at all! What kind of kids would watch an egg coming out of a box? We need to complain to someone about this! COMCAST GUY: {walks in} What were you saying? We demand a refund, my good sir! This isn't anything like our show! COMCAST GUY: I'm hearing that you are... unsatisfied with our changes. Perhaps you'd like to lower your demographic? WHAT? That's not what I was saying! Besides, how could our demographic possibly get any l— {Splat cut to a cartoony version of Honstlar against a plain blue background.} Hi, and welcome to Honstlar and Friends! My name is Honstlar, and this is my third-or-fourth-favorite cousin Gfdgsgxgzgdrc! That's me! Can YOU say Gfdgsgxgzgdrc? {Each letter appears above them and glows as he speaks.} G-F-D-G-S-G-X-G-Z-G-D-R-C. Gfdgsgxgzgdrc! That's right! Good job. How many letters are in Gfdgsgxgzgdrc? Let's count! One... {Pause.} Can you count to one? It counts like this: "one". Can you do that? {Long pause.} Great! You're the smartest person I've ever met! Now let's move onto the next letter. Two. Two means it's the second letter. Can you count to two? {Very long pause.} That's right! One, two! That's how many letters there are in the first two letters of my name! Now let's count the third letter! How many letters are in three letters? {Cut to a screen reading "2 hours later".} Thirteen! That's how many letters there are in the first thirteen letters! And that's all the letters, which means Gfdgsgxgzgdrc has thirteen letters! Great job! You're a pro at this! Would you like to help us on our adventure? {Long pause.} Well? {Long pause.} {sternly} I am waiting for a response. {Long pause.} That's great! Come along with us! (Gfd and Honstlar start walking, as the camera zooms in on Honstlar's head. We then fade to a black void.) {Offscreen} aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (Honstlar falls from the top of the screen onto the ground.) What happened? Am I dead? Is this what Hell looks like? If so, then I swear someone else put that Bit O' Honey in my pocket! {Offscreen} Bit O' Honey? WHERE?!? Garbles, is that you? {walks onscreen} It sure is! It is I, Garbles! Garbles starts with G! Can you say G? It goes like this: G. See? Even I can say G! It's not that hard, ya stupid kid! Learn to spell! Gfd, we're not in a kids' show anymore. I think. You don't have to shoehorn lessons into every sentence. Says you. Speaking of shoehorns, I can't get my shoe on! Can you find the shoehorn? No, we're in a void of nothingness. There are no shoehorns nearby. Where the crap are we? It's like we're in Blue Fadey Land or something. But it's not black and it's not fadey. It's just... Land. Except there's no land, just void and black. Is... is this where peasants go when they die? If I had only known their fate, I never would have burninated that little guy on the mountain tile. I'm sorry, Edmundo! Come back to me! I honestly feel worse for the ones that go into the Trog-meter. Do they just survive in Trogdor's innards keeping him alive until he takes damage? Besides, that's not relevant. "Relevant"! How do you spell relevant? T-Q-R-4-%-{-backspace-$-green-W-taco! That's how you spell it! Can you say relevant? Can you, stupid? Are— are you talking to me? No, I'm talking to our many viewers. We don't have viewers! Our show has vanished! We're stuck in an eternal void of blackness and blankness! Huh. Guess I can't get that sandwich I wanted. Unless there's a shop or something nearby. Like a void shop. And if there isn't, I could start one! I'm sure I have a few leftover sandwiches in my hat. Alls we need is some void customers! {Cut to Honstlar and Friends.} And that's how you count to pi! Let's sing a song! Can you sing a song? Let's sing it! It goes like this: {singing off-key} happy little times in the thing and the stuff, fun times when everybody does a happy dance and the thing... {Cut to the void.} ...and a nice bed, and a hot sandwich, and... come to think of it, I've been taking a lot of things for granted. Being trapped in eternal darkness really puts things in perspective. At least we're no longer under the Comcast Guy's control. That's pretty great. Wait a minute. Comcast Guy has total control over our show, right? So why would he send the main characters away? {A song can faintly be heard echoing in the distance.} Hey! I hear something! Is there someone else in the void? SRMX12? Coachy? Is that you? Greg maybe? It doesn't sound like it's coming from here. What does that mean? Also, it sounds like you. That's ridiculous. How could it sound like me? I'm me! {listens} Hey, it does sound like me. It's like I'm still in the baby show. {Cut back to Honstlar and Friends.} ...la la la la la LA!! What a beautiful song, my greatest friend Honstlar! Thank you very much, cousin Garbles! And look who it is! It's our friend SRMX12! Say hi to SRMX12! What is this? Wh— what's going on? Get me out of here! I don't— {a sucking sound is heard} Hi, kids! I have a computer! Where's the letter "G" on the keyboard? Can you find the letter G? {Cut back to the void.} That sounded like SRMX12. Oh no! The show got him! {SRMX12 falls next to them.} Ow. Oh wait, he's right here. That's not possible. How can he be in two places at once? I find it extremely irritating how long it's taking you to figure this out. Huh? We're still in the show! Comcast Guy has supressed our minds and taken over our bodies to do his bidding! I've only been in this void for two seconds and I've already figured it out. So we're in our own minds? Then why isn't there a two-mile-high pile of pie? Or a flying top hat full of clam chowder? Or sentient d— Our minds have been emptied. We are unthinking. We have become soulless shadows of our former selves, mindlessly following orders. So, no pie or clam chowder. Man. I was really in the mood for pie. {Cut back to Honstlar and Friends.} And that's why pants are important. {A cutesy cartoon Grindolo appears.} Oh no! It's the big bad meanie, Grindolo! Where am I? What is this? Why am I here? Get me out of here, or I will kill you most painfully and send your mind into the deepest recesses of the underworld, where you will fester in the blinding torment of— {a vacuuming noise is heard} Mwa-ha-ha! I'm the big bad meanie, Grindolo! And I'm stealing the letter G! {Grindolo takes the "G" off Gfd's shirt and throws it offscreen.} Oh no! How will we ever find my G? I threw the G all the way to the Big Frosty Mountain! But you'll never get there! Ha ha ha! {disappears} {Cut back to the void.} —a thousand daggers, piercing into— wait, where am I? Cleanser Geek took over our show and our minds. Oh, good for her. ...And she also took over your mind. WHAT?! First she takes over the planet without me, then she takes over me?! As soon as I get out of my mind, I'm going to double-fire her! With literal fire! Does anyone know how to get out of here? We're all trapped in our subconsiouses, right? Maybe if we can take back our minds, we'll have control over our bodies again. But how do we take back our minds? It depends on how their mind control works. It might be a magic spell or brain-altering technology or something. So if we replicate their mind control methods, maybe we can trick them into regaining control! Good idea. I'll see what I can do. {Cut to Honstlar and Friends.} And that's why come Mozart was so good! Such fascination! {The characters turn into their regular selves.} So, you think you can suppress our minds, eh? Give us our show back or I'll show you what's what! COMCAST GUY: I'd like to see you try. {Gfd eats Comcast Guy.} COMCAST GUY: {muffled; offscreen} Well, at least I saw you try. Silence, food! {offscreen} What is this?!?!? {The Cleanser Geek walks onscreen.} Oh, we're taking back our show. Give it back, please. No. Rats. Well, I'm out of ideas. But I’m not! {Grindolo blasts Cleanser Geek across the room with magic.} Ow. {The show goes back to normal.} Hey, we did it! Who knew magic-ing someone into a wall could be so beneficial? Thanks for helping us get our show back, Grindolo. I wasn't helping you with your show. I was helping myself get out of your show. Don't take it the wrong way. Oh, I’ll take it whichever way I want, brain-for-brains! Fine. I'm going back to my mooncastle. Even finer. I'm going back to... whatever it was that I was doing earlier. We were about to taste-test Insanity Pie Recipes. We were? Yes. Allow me to demonstrate... {Gfd takes out a pie and swallows it whole. The universe collapses. Cut to the word "end." in a black void.}