Inanimate Objects in Decidedly Non-Inanimate Situations/Episode 5



Description: The objects must attempt to knock 'em dead at the comedy club.

Transcript
HUMIDIBOT: So which new recruit do you want to see?

DOREAUXGARD: Depends on which team gets to recruit them. If you get it I hope you get a real useless one!

THE PAPER: {printing out} > If we get Stooly or the Lappier, we could start a Strong Bad's room alliance.

F-SACK: Carol would be helpful.

FRANK BENNEDETTO: Hope I don't end up having to compete against my own wife.

{The Lappier comes by, with the recommended characters behind him}

LAPPIER: Gimme some space! The votes gotta be counted.

{The contestants sit at the benches while the theme song plays}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Vote 'em up, vote 'em up, vote 'em up, y'all!

LAPPIER: Okay, this time, a few contestants couldn't decide and so they voted multiple times.

CAROL: Is that allowed?

LAPPIER: {shrug} I'm not supposed to, but I'm just glad I got some more votes to count.

STOOLY: Let's get on with it then.

LAPPIER: First off, I get no votes, because you all love me as the host and don't want me to leave the spotlight.

{He makes a cute face}

ANIMATRONIC SB: Oh brother!

LAPPIER: Next, Stooly and Carol, no one votes for you. Goodbye!

{The vacuum tubes immediately suck them up}

LAPPIER: Okay, now, everyone else got at least one vote. But only one was the clear winner.

{The remaining objects look over each other}

LAPPIER: Strong Bad robots!

GRAPE-NUTS and ANIMATRONIC SB: Yeah?

LAPPIER: Only one vote each. That is not enough.

ANIMATRONIC SB: This game is a sham marriage!

GRAPE-NUTS ROBOT: Now spell: what the carp.

{Up they go into the vacuum tubes}

LAPPIER: Alright, Mrs. Bennedetto, despite being recommended by a fan, you get only the one vote.

MRS. BENNEDETTO: {microwave noise}

''{The microwave is too big to go through the tubes. So Frank Bennedetto escort her off stage}''

FRANK BENNEDETTO: This battlefield is too dangerous for you.

LAPPIER: So, either one of you would make an awesome contestant.

JIBBLIES PAINTING: I'm just happy to get the opportunity.

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Could I possibly bribe you with a hot date?

{The Lappier looks back and forth between them}

LAPPIER: Tempting offer, Marzipan, but I'm accepting no bribes... because you WIN with three votes!

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Hooray!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {peeking behind Cardboard Marzipan} Congratulations, actual real girlfriend of mine who didn't break up with me yesterday! You're a contestant now!

JIBBLIES PAINTING: Good luck to you then. I'll see you in Inanimate Objects in Decidedly Non-Inanimate Situations Again.

{He goes up into the vacuum tube}

LAPPIER: As for teams. Since the Onion Bubses--

THE PAPER: > The Papers!!

LAPPIER: --have less members, you shall go with them to even the score.

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: I can't wait to meet all the cute guys.

{She walks up and stands next to Scotty Titi}

F-SACK: Er, does she really count as an object character? I can clearly see Homestar holding her and doing all the voices.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {peeks out, doing Marzipan's voice} Pay no attention to the man behind the cardboard!

LAPPIER: She got the most votes, so the audience will accept her. Time for the challenge.

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: We can not reimburse you for raptured Blondies.

LAPPIER: The challenge is to get people to come and have a good laugh. The audience needs a laugh. And that is a challenge.

DOREAUXGARD: Wait, what kind of audience?

LAPPIER: You're going to perform at Bubs' Ha-Ha-Halfway Through July Comedy Club!!

THE PAPER: > aw man! with no prep time??

LAPPIER: They're waiting right now!

HUMIDIBOT: Come on, Scotty, hustle your imaginary buns!

''{The objects hurry offscreen. We then cut to the backside of Bubs' Concession Stand, where the "Ha-Ha-Halloween" sign has a bit of cardboard reading "fway through july" pasted over "loween"}''

BUBS: And you know what else? Young peoples got phones!

''{Cut to the audience: Strong Bad, The Cheat, Strong Mad, Strong Sad and Marzipan. Strong Mad is the only one laughing at the lame joke}''

STRONG MAD: IT'S SO TRUE!

BUBS: And wives is always naggin'!

''{More laughter from Strong Mad. Bubs notices the objects coming}''

BUBS: Well, folks, I got a special treat for y'all tonight. First up, please give a round of sound for the comedy stylings of... Welcome to Blubb-O's!!

{The audience claps as Doreauxgard and F-Sack take the stage}

F-SACK: So, here we are. A regular Bing Crosby and Bob Hope.

DOREAUXGARD: I Hope you Bob for apples and find a razor blade, stanky!

{Strong Bad, Strong Mad and the Cheat laugh}

F-SACK: Say, old pal, why don't we order some fast food?

DOREAUXGARD: In the middle of a show?

F-SACK: Stand-up is all about gags, and nothing makes me gag more than a greasy ol' burger!

{This time Marzipan laughs with Strong Bad, Strong Mad and The Cheat}

MARZIPAN: Finally some rational, vegan-focused humor.

STRONG BAD: {rolls his eyes} Ughh. I retract my laugh.

{The Drive-Thru Whale burrows up to the stage}

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Welcome to Blubb-O's! Can I revel in your despair?

F-SACK: Lemme see the chicken roll.

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: That would cremate the chili flake!

{Nobody laughs at this line}

DOREAUXGARD: {whisper to F-Sack} The whale missed his line.

F-SACK: {whisper back} Change plan!

{Doreauxgard clars his throat and speaks up}

DOREAUXGARD: I wanna speak to the manager, crusty!

DRIVE-THRU WHALE: I'll mangle your happiness, ma'am.

{Frank Bennedetto walks up}

FRANK BENNEDETTO: Is there a problem?

DOREAUXGARD: You can say that again, juice boy!

FRANK BENNEDETTO: Okay. Is there a problem?

{Strong Bad groans but Strong Mad laughs}

STRONG MAD: HE SAID IT AGAIN!

FRANK BENNEDETTO: You'll have to excuse our employee. He was in a terrible accident, with a tragic result.

F-SACK: What's the tragedy?

FRANK BENNEDETTO: He lived!

{All three Brothers Strong laugh, plus The Cheat}

DOREAUXGARD: Thank you! We're here all week!

{They exit and Bubs takes the mic}

BUBS: That was a hoot and a holler. Next up, we have... The Papers?

THE PAPER: > FINALLY someone gets it!

{Humidibot joins The Paper on stage}

THE PAPER: > Today imma teach Humidibot how to charm the ladies.

HUMIDIBOT: I'm Humidibot!

THE PAPER: > To start, act real smooth and say like, "Hey there, hotness, you looking makey outy tonight."

HUMIDIBOT: I think I should act sweet and nice and say my name is Humidibot!

THE PAPER: > -_-; please play along, Humidibot. it's just an act anyway.

HUMIDIBOT: I respect women!

{Marzipan claps and smiles}

MARZIPAN: Good work, Humidibot!

STRONG BAD: Aw man, shut up...

THE PAPER: > Anyway, the ladies are coming.

{Cardboard Marzipan and Scotty Titi wearing a red bow walk up}

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: La di da, me and my friend who is totally a hot girl...

{Marzipan gasps}

MARZIPAN: Homestar Michael Runner, are you still carrying that bent old cardboard version of me?!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {peeking out} Uhhhhh I'm not here, sorry.

MARZIPAN: You said you got rid of it!

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: {doing the voice again} I'm Cardboard Marzipan, and I'm a contestant fair and square.

MARZIPAN: Homestar, please put that down!

CARDBOARD MARZIPAN: Guys, ignore the heckler, let's finish the bit.

{She gets up from her seat to attempt to confront Homestar, while Strong Bad laughs hysterically}

STRONG BAD: WA HA HA! Now this is comedy!

{But Strong Mad doesn't laugh}

STRONG MAD: JOKE? TELL JOKE?

STRONG BAD: Homestar's relationship is the joke!

STRONG MAD: FUNNY JOKE ABOUT AIRLINE FOOD?

STRONG BAD: Come on, man.

HUMIDIBOT: Psst, Scotty, can you salvage this?

{Scotty stares forward}

HUMIDIBOT: {bad acting} Hey, uh, hotness, you wanna hear about my name? It's Humidibot!

''{Scotty doesn't react. Marzipan and Cardboard Marzipan are still arguing in the background}''

HUMIDIBOT: {sigh} Yeah, I'm kinda speechless too!

BUBS: Alright, guys, break it up! Time to judge a winner!

{Marzipan huffs and returns to her seat}

BUBS: I'm gonna give you some signs, and on the count of three, hold up your pick for funniest team!

{He passes out signs with the team names}

BUBS: Ready? One... two... three!

''{Strong Bad and the Cheat hold The Papers sign... and Marzipan, Strong Sad, and Strong Mad hold up the Welcome To Blubb-O's sign}''

BUBS: Welcome to Blubb-O's is the winner!

LAPPIER: What an unfortunate turn of events for the Onion--

THE PAPER: {simultaneously} > The Papers! It's on the sign!!

LAPPIER: --Bubses. Regular Marzipan totally derailed and ruined their routine. Now you get to choose a scapegoat for this mess! The Paper, Cardboard Marzipan, Scotty Titi, or Humidibot? You know where to vote!