hpe/24

Hpemail #24

Horrible Painting tries not to make jibblies happen. Then he has to save the world.

Page Title: Grody Nine

Running Time: 16:06

Date: October 31, 2020

Script
HP: {singing} Sometimes I sing an email song, sometimes that song is very long. {speaking quickly} This is not one of those times.

HP: {typing} "Not a gnome"? I dunno about that. What kind of name is "Happy" for a non-gnome to have? I bet you hang out with all your fellow weird-named gnomes, like Grumpy and Dopey and, uh... whatever other adjectives you guys name yourselves.

GOBLIN: {offscreen} Those are dwarves, not gnomes.

HP: {stops typing} Maybe that's just what they want you to think. {clears the screen; typing} As for the actual subject of the email, how many times do I have to tell you guys? It's involuntary. I have a naturally jibblie-inducing face is all. So, until next time.

''{The Paintper comes down. Pause.}''

GOBLIN: {offscreen} You already did the fake-out-ending-at-the-beginning gag last time.

{Cut to a wide shot.}

HP: What do you mean "gag"? This is the end of the email.

GOBLIN: The scroll bar has hardly left the top of the page.

HP: Aw drapst, how am I supposed to fill all that time? Unless...

GOBLIN: Unless you fill the rest of the email with empty space?

HP: I wasn't finished my sentence.

GOBLIN: Unless you skip to the end of the email by means of short-term cryogenic freezing?

HP: Ahem. As I was saying...

GOBLIN: Unless you pay me the five bucks you've owed me for the past fifteen years so I can spend it on a cream-filled pastry instead of being in this email?

HP: That's not even close to the sentence. You see, I've always had this dream of having a new face. A face that causes, like, very few jibblies, if any.

GOBLIN: Fascinating. I've always had this dream where I'm taking my high school exams, but I don't know the answers&mdash;

HP: Different kind of dream.

GOBLIN: Ah. So you want facial alteration surgery? That's going to cost hundreds of cream-filled pastries, you know.

HP: Nah, we'll just do it the old-fashioned way. {pulls out a box} Take a good long gander at Hollerin' Jimmy's Do-It-Yourself Facial Alteration Kit!

GOBLIN: You just had that box sitting next to you this whole time?

HP: Was waiting for the right moment.

GOBLIN: That thing looks sketchy. How many cream-filled pastries did it cost?

HP: Like, five maybe.

GOBLIN: I told you to inform me before spending three or more pastries!

HP: But think of the investment! With a non-jibblie-making face, I can actually go out into the world and live a normal life. I can get a job, buy food, run errands, do all the stuff you do. {thinks} On second thought, maybe my current face is fine.

GOBLIN: No, no, I like this idea. Open the box.

{HP sits on the floor with the Goblin, opens the box, and pulls out the contents.}

GOBLIN: A frying pan?

HP: Looks like it.

GOBLIN: Anything else in there? Instructions, at least?

HP: Nope, nothing&mdash; oh wait, here's some instructions. {takes out a slip of paper and unfolds it} "Apply product to face at high velocity."

GOBLIN: They want you to smack yourself in the head&mdash;

HP: In the face.

GOBLIN: &mdash;with a frying pan?

HP: Hey, it works in the cartoons.

GOBLIN: Can't argue with that logic.

HP: Goodbye, old face. I'll miss you dearly, but not that much. Maybe like, semi-dearly. {holds out frying pan} New face coming in ten... nine... eight...

GOBLIN: No need to count down. Just get it over with.

HP: Wow. You really have no sense of sentimentality, do you?

GOBLIN: For your face? I'm not sentimental about that at all.

HP: Well, thanks for supporting my decision. It means so much&mdash;

GOBLIN: Use the pan.

HP: Right.

{HP smacks himself in the face with the frying pan and falls backward.}

GOBLIN: All right! Let's see that new face of yours.

''{HP sits up with a wide-eyed smile that stretches eerily across his face, revealing a set of jagged teeth. His eyebrows are no longer furrowed, showing the fullness of the red eyes protruding from his sockets. His face is covered in unsettling creases and wrinkles.}''

HP: {holds up a mirror} Hey, look at that! You can finally see my teeth again! I forgot I had those. Haven't brushed 'em since high school. Oh, and it got rid of my furrowed brow! Makes me look more devilishly handsome, wouldn't you say?

GOBLIN: Jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie...

HP: Oh, Goblin, you and your wacky shenanigans. I'ma go out on the town and show the world the new Not-Quite-So-Horrible Painting!

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand.}

BUBS: Now seems like a good time to sit here and suspect nothing. I doubt a demonic spectre will jump out from the shadows anytime soon.

''{Ominous, tense music plays. Cut to various shots of Bubs from different angles, slowly zooming in as he looks around unsuspectingly. Suddenly, from beneath the counter of the stand, the painting jumps up as frightening strings play.}''

HP: GIVE ME YOUR SOUL.

BUBS: Jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie...

HP: Huh. That's odd. I guess I'll have go somewhere else to replace my worn-out shoes. And get some flatfish. And a ticket to the capital of South Korea.

{Cut to Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and The Cheat smashing a muffler with a metal pipe in Strong Badia.}

STRONG BAD: Dang, you guys are really goin' to town on that muffler. This is our most productive day in weeks! I might have to reprioritize our schedule. {pulls out a notebook and writes in it}

STRONG MAD: I WANT A DAY OFF!!

STRONG BAD: Whoa now, let's not get too hasty. I'll let you off an hour early next Saturday, how about that?

{HP walks up to them.}

HP: Hey, cool guys. I'm a cool guy too. What say we hang out and do cool guy things together? Scrabble? Does Scrabble count? I play a mean game of Hide-and-Seek if you guys are into that.

{The three stare at HP, as their eyes widen and the color drains from their faces.}

HP: That's right, I'm into all the trends and hips. I'd likely consider myself a rather gnarly dude.

{They get the jibblies.}

HP: Later? Cool. See you, cool guys, of which I am one as well.

''{Cut to Strong Sad in his room writing calligraphy. HP sneaks up behind him.}''

HP: Hi, I'm in your house.

STRONG SAD: Jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie...

HP: Probably should've seen that coming. I guess this brand-fresh, chisel-chinned face isn't helping much. Isn't there anyone who will tolerate my face?

''{Cut to the painting as it waddles through the Field. Everyone who sees it gets the jibblies.}''

HP: No wait, guys! I don't want you to come on in here anymore. You can stay on out there for all I care. See, I rhyme now! I'm cool!

{Cut to HP inside the painting.}

HP: {sigh} Of course this didn't work. Well, I guess I might as well turn my new face back into my old face. {hits himself with a frying pan, restoring his face} Ahh, that's nice. And now it's time to break out the old... ereh ni no emoc!

''{Pause. Jibblies can still be heard in the background.}''

HP: The drapst? That should have worked! Backwards-talk never fails. I should call Cus, {looking toward the camera} who is on the other side of the planet on a press tour for "Thnikkaman 7,256: The Wrath of Evil Thnikkaman", which I just felt like pointing out for no particular reason even though I'm talking to myself.

{Cut to HP on the phone.}

HP: Yes... hello? Is this Cus? Anyway, I was just calling to ask... oh, what's that? "Jibblie", you say? Wait, what's that sound? All those people on the other side of the planet also have the jibblies? Guess my new face had some far-reaching effects. That's almost kinda cool, but it also sucks that the whole planet has been permanently jibbilated. Might as well make the most of it. Anyway, bye. Good luck with your jibblies. {hangs up}

''{Cut to HP on the beach. A montage begins with music in the background.}''

HP: Well, it's no capital of South Korea, but the free food is nice.

''{Cut to the inside of the painting. HP is now eating cream-filled pastries.}''

HP: Hey, Goblin, want some ambiguous pastry? No, you say? I can have it because I'm so much awesomer than you are, you say? I concur wholeheartedly. {continues eating}

{Cut to HP in the movie theater.}

HP: Can you guys shut it with the jibbling already? I want to find out who cloned Evil Thnikkaman.

{Cut to HP in the King of Town's castle, wearing a crown, robes, and jewelry, surrounded by piles of gold.}

HP: My next decree shall be that Rocoulm is pretty great. My next-er decree shall be that Rocoulm is not half bad.

{Cut to HP in Homestar's house, putting his valuables into bags.}

HP: It's not like he'll be using this stuff anymore.

''{He knocks over the cow lamp and the music stops. Homestar walks in wearing his sleepwear.}''

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {yawns} Hey, paintm'n. Thanks for breaking my cow lamp. I don't know how it keeps showing up in my house.

HP: Homerun?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Homestar.

HP: Right. How are you unjibblicated?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I dunno. I'm not a big fan of those things.

HP: The jibblies? You must be immune.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, pretty much.

HP: This is great!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What, the jibblies? I dunno. I'm not a big fan of those things.

HP: No, your jibblimunity! You could be the key to saving the planet from an eternity of jibblification!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Enough with the portmanteaus already.

HP: {sigh} O-jibblie-kay.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: So what do you propose we do first?

HP: First off, we should probably do some research on&mdash;

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'm going back to bed. {walks offscreen}

HP: No, wait! It's not boring research.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {walks onscreen} How so?

HP: We'll just be learning the causes and psychological effects of jibblization on the central nervous system of the average&mdash;

{Homestar falls asleep.}

HP: Homestar?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {wakes up} Hey, paintm'n. Thanks for breaking my cow lamp.

HP: You said that.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Did I? It's too early to tell. What is it, early afternoon? I'm not supposed to take part in world-saving shenanigans until half past breakfast.

HP: Heh. Usually I'm on the other side of this straight man/comic relief routine. Looks like the world really has come to an end. {starts waddling offscreen} Come on, Homestar.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {stands in place for a moment} Hey, what happened to my cow lamp?

''{Wipe to later. HP is in a science lab, looking through a microscope. Homestar walks in.}''

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey, this is a nice labrador. Where'd you get it?

HP: Oh, this place isn't mine. But it's not like anyone's using it.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh right, end times. I forgot. So what are your findings?

HP: I've compared DNA samples of persons with jibblies and persons without, and it appears&mdash;

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Who says "persons"?

HP: It's a scientist thing. Doesn't it sound scientistic?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: It sounds like you doesn't know your plurals. Everyone knows the plural of "person" is "persimmons".

HP: Please refrain from not shutting up. You're derailing my train of thought with your inferior intelligence. {clears throat} The DNA evidence from jibblifized subjects seems to contain a thriving ecosystem of microorganisms. The non-jibbuloited DNA contains these organisms as well, but they all appear inactive. It seems that there may be some correspondence between the jibblies and the activity of these weird tiny guys.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Funny you should mention that. I was just reading about those tiny guys in this month's issue of Popular Science...

HP: You were reading Popular Science?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I read it for the Popular, but stay for the Science. {holds up the magazine and reads from it} The jibbliophage is a parasitic organism that feeds off of the fear of larger beings. Whenever the brain releases fear hormones for the jibbliophages to consume, they reactivate and multiply in numbers until they take hold of the being's mind, turning them into mindless jibblers that produce excessive amounts of fright juice. They share a collective consciousness, allowing them to&mdash;

HP: Wait, these tiny microwhatevers are causing the jibblies so they can... eat brain chemicals?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: The science is sound. The popular kind, at least.

HP: So, I guess if we can get rid of the jibbliophages, we can probably stop the jibblies from happening.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Good idea. We'll go around and pick them out of everyone's DNA. You'll have to do most of the picking... I don't have very good dexterity.

HP: You go work on your fine motor skills then, I guess.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Nah, it's cool. My motor skills are plenty fine already.

HP: All right. I'll just get started on a cure for the jibblies. Sure, it might take a few years, but I'm the last character still alive and well, so there's no rush.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey!

HP: Sorry. The last cool character.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: There you go.

HP: Now, can you pass a test tube? Or maybe some chemicals? That seems like a good place to start.

{Suddenly, the setting disintegrates, and the two are left standing in a black void.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, that's going to be kinda difficult.

HP: What's going on?

VOICE: Traitor. How dare you betray your brethren.

HP: Pardon? I don't have no brethrens. Got a cousin named Steven, though.

VOICE: You were about to create a cure that would wipe out trillions of microscopic jibbliophages.

HP: Well, yeah. The jibblies are extremely unpleasant, and they've basically taken over the planet.

VOICE: The jibblies are a necessary part of life. Without them, an entire species would go extinct. The jibbliophages must be fed to survive, and if that means infecting everyone on Earth, so be it.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: This is a weird plot.

HP: You're telling me? {to the voice} So who are you anyway?

VOICE: I am the leader of the jibbliophages, and this is the dimension in which I dwell.

HP: Why does your voice sound familiar?

VOICE: You may have met me. Allow me to appear before you in my physical form.

{A mysterious figure begins to appear, eventually transforming into the painting of somebody's dad from The House That Gave Sucky Tricks.}

HP: Steven?!

STEVEN: Wa-hey-hey! I can't believe I never told you, I'm actually a thousand-year-old interdimensional leader of a microscopic hive mind.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: So the "somebody" in "somebody's dad" is actually a bunch of tinym'ns?

HP: Now I hate you even more than before. Anything else I need to know about you?

STEVEN: I can do a 220 in 4:45&mdash;

HP: Yeah, you've told me that before.

STEVEN: So I have. Well, before I send you back to your world, I just want to thank you for fulfilling your purpose.

HP: Pardon again?

STEVEN: You fulfilled your purpose. Do I really have to say more exposition?

HP: Unless you can think of a better way to tell me what that means.

STEVEN: You were created by the jibbliophages to ensure their survival. We wanted to make a creature so terrifying, anyone in its presence would suddenly get the jibblies. But alas, our efforts were less successful than we hoped. So we created Hollerin' Jimmy's Do-It-Yourself Facial Alteration Kit.

HP: You created a frying pan?

STEVEN: It's called Hollerin' Jimmy's Do-It-Yourself Facial Alteration Kit. And when you used it... your face finally reached its full potential. It was so fear-inducing, everyone on the planet was permanently overtaken by the jibblies within mere minutes. Thank you kindly... now my kind can finally thrive like never before. But I'm afraid it's still not enough... we must activate the hibernating jibbliophages within you two. Forever.

HP: No way, man. I'm not a fan of eternal jibblies.

STEVEN: Hweh-hey! Resistance, that's funny. But I'm afraid you don't have a choice in the matter.

{Suddenly, HP and Homestar return to the science lab.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whoa, that was a weird dream. I dreamt that somebody's dad was wearing cycling gear, but he wasn't even that serious about riding, and then there were these talking donuts and they did the moonwalk&mdash;

HP: No, no, I saw it too. Except the donut thing.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Aww, that was my favorite part.

''{The lights in the lab start flickering. Bony footsteps are heard.}''

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Do you hear that?

HP: No, but I saw the stage directions. "Bony footsteps"? What's that supposed to mean?

{A large creature similar to Cus, but more disfigured, jumps up onto the table and roars.}

HP: Oh, hey Cus. Back from your multinational press tour already?

''{Zoom out. More carnivorous undead sheeps prowl around the room.}''

HP: Ah. There's more of them.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Isn't Cus supposed to be some kind of escaped laboratory test animal? We are in a laboratory...

HP: Yeah, it's prolly best to get the heck out of dodge. Like, several miles away from dodge.

{The skeletal sheeps run after the two characters as they leave the lab and slam the door behind them.}

HP: Phew. We're safe.

{Suddenly, the sky turns to night, and an eerie fog surrounds the area.}

HP: That's ominous.

''{Cut to a club sandwich on the ground. Homestar sees it and hides behind the painting.}''

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Frilly toothpicks! My worst nightmare!

HP: That's the dumbest thing I've ever&mdash;

{A macramé owl floats next to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Macramé! My worster nightmare!

HP: Wait... I think I get it. Steven is trying to make us get the jibblies. He'll stop at nothing to scare us.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's no fun. So, what scares you?

HP: Nothing, really. I'm pretty fearless, except&mdash; oh no.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What?

HP: We have to hide. He'll be here any moment.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Who?

HOMSAR: {offscreen} DoOoOn't forget to steep the pastries!

''{Horrible Painting covers his eyes and cowers in fear. Homsar waddles up to them.}''

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh hey, mini-me. How's work been these days?

HOMSAR: {with large black eyes and a deep, echoing voice} Steep. The pastries.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay, okay, you don't have to remind me twice.

HP: Jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Paintm'n? You got the giblets? Snap out of it, we gotta go steep the pastries.

HP: {snaps out of it} Of course... that's it. {yells to the sky} Hey, Steven!

STEVEN: {voiceover} What do you want?

HP: Are you sure your jibbuloids&mdash;

STEVEN: {voiceover} Jibbliophages.

HP: &mdash;can only eat jibblie juice or whatever?

STEVEN: {voiceover} Of course. They're microscopic organisms, they don't exactly have sophisticated tastes.

HP: Oh yeah? Not even... {pulls out an éclair} CREAM-FILLED PASTRIES?

STEVEN: {voiceover} Forget it, jibbliophages don't like pastries.

{HP throws the éclair, and a blobby mass of cells moves toward it and consumes it.}

HP: Everyone likes pastries.

STEVENS: {voiceover} Huh. I guess we never tried that.

HP: How about a deal? I'll give your microthingies all the pastries they could ever want, and in exchange, you free my planet.

STEVENS: {voiceover} Wa-hey... I guess I can't pass up a deal like that.

{The fog clears and the night turns back to day.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yay, we saved the world and stuff! So where are you going to find that many cream-filled pastries?

HP: Oh, that doesn't matter right now. I've got some business to attend to.

''{Another montage begins. Cut to Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and The Cheat smashing a muffler.}''

STRONG BAD: Come on, you guys! We need to make up for all that time we spent jibbling. That's not productive at all!

HP: {waddles up to them} Hey, cool guys. Still doing cool guy things? I do cool guy things too. What say we do cool guy things together?

STRONG BAD: Yeah, sorry, man. We&mdash; wait a minute. Shouldn't I be getting the jibblies just by talking to you?

HP: Oh, yeah, those aren't a thing anymore.

STRONG BAD: Sweet deals. How 'bout you go grab yourself a metal pipe from the dumpster behind Bubs's?

HP: Will do!

{Cut to Strong Sad in his room, staring into space.}

HP: Hi, I'm in your house again.

STRONG SAD: Oh, a talking demonic depiction. What are you doing here?

HP: Oh, just small talk. I haven't done that much before.

STRONG SAD: Really? I'm quite versed in all varieties of small and medium talk. It's all about communicating pleasantries without substance.

HP: I see. Nice weather, huh?

STRONG SAD: Now you're getting it.

{Cut to Bubs at the stand.}

HP: {hops up on the counter} Hey, standm'n. How's standing?

BUBS: Oh, I never get tired of standin' in my stand.

HP: That's great. If that was my job, I couldn't stand it. I'd much prefer stand-up.

BUBS: Stand-up comedians still gotta stand up.

HP: Not if I sit on a stand.

BUBS: Ah, I understand.

HP: Really?

BUBS: No.

''{The montage ends. Cut to HP and Goblin inside the painting.}''

GOBLIN: Horrible Painting? You, uh, you have any idea why a bunch of single-celled organisms are in my secret pastry stash?

HP: It had to be done for the fate of the world. And we're going to need to restock that stash pretty frequently. For the fate of the world.

{Cut to HP at his computer.}

HP: {typing} So I hope you're happy, er, Happy, since your question has put the world in danger. It was a bit of a complex plot to follow, so I don't blame you if you didn't quite get it. Or if you didn't care about those jibblie-related lore revelations. But I saved the day as always, and thanks to me&mdash;

{Cut to a wide shot.}

GOBLIN: Uh, probably best to start wrapping this up. Scroll bar's at the bottom of the page.

HP: Aw drapst. The Paintper?

{The Paintper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

 * Click on the Grody Nine to see HP and Goblin continue talking.
 * GOBLIN: The drapst is "drapst" supposed to mean?
 * HP: Doesn't it sound like the sort of expletive one might use when the scroll bar is at a disadvantageous position?
 * GOBLIN: It sounds like the kind of expletive one might use when the wind blows a napkin onto your mustard salad.
 * HP: Mustard salad?
 * GOBLIN: That's just what it sounds like to me. A more appropriate word might be "plormfstample".
 * HP: THAT'S PERFECT!

Inside References

 * This toon is based on the jibblies, and the title is a reference to Jibblies 2.
 * HP tries reversing the effects of the jibblies by talking backwards, like in the original toon.
 * Homestar's immunity to the jibblies is a reference to this toon.
 * The emailer saying they are "not a gnome" is a reference to the previous email Movie, in which HP read the sender's name "EVG" as "Extremely Vicious Gnomes".
 * The Goblin calls out HP's use of the "fake-out-ending-at-the-beginning gag" after using the same joke in the previous email.
 * This is another appearance of Hollerin' Jimmy.
 * HP had previously given Bubs the jibblies in email #21, Memories, and #22, Games.
 * Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and The Cheat are seen smashing a muffler with a pipe as in the Strong Bad Email no loafing.
 * Cus was previously revealed to be a star of the Thnikkaman film series in the previous email.
 * HP and Homestar's first interaction references the caper scene from caper.
 * Homestar was referred to as "Homerun" in the page title of his character video and in Costume Commercial.
 * Steven from The House That Gave Sucky Tricks has previously appeared in the emails Somebody's Dad and Photo Booth.
 * Him being able to do a 220 in 4:45 and not being serious about riding were said in his debut toon.
 * Cus was stated to be an escaped laboratory test animal in Most in the Graveyard.
 * Homestar's fear of frilly toothpicks and macramé, and HP's fear of Homsar, were established in The Homestar Runner Enters the Spooky Woods, Doomy Tales of the Macabre, and Jibblies 2 respectively.

Real-World References

 * At the beginning, HP and Goblin reference the dwarves from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
 * HP suggests Scrabble as a cool guy activity.