Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/The Boring Office of Dullards and Holding

The BODH have to work at the office for some reason. What they can do now?

The following transcript has not been formatted. {Fade in to the BODH shopping at Price Style} Can someone remind me why we're here again? But Gfd, we just reminded you before the cartoon started! Yeah, but the viewers at home didn't hear it. We're shopping for a pencil. Just one pencil, and that's it. Here's one! {grabs one off the shelf} But you can't buy a pencil without paper. We're running a bit low. {grabs a large notebook} We need an eraser too! {gets one} Actually, we go through erasers pretty fast. Let's get a box. {gets a box} No, several boxes. {gets several} Wait! Who needs pencils when we can buy a brand new Lappiest Trillion laptop? We can type all our notes instead of writing them! Sure, let's buy that too. But we'll need a charger. {gets one of those} Check it out! It's the Videlectrix Swap II! It even comes with New Ultra Superest Kingio Bros. 4 FunMachine Ultimate Deluxe 2 + Poopsmith Ultra VR Funtime Game 17: Videlectrix Swap II Edition v5.0 XR 2018! And a huge collection of games over here! We need to get all of them!! An entire aisle of pastries! Another aisle of office supplies! This store has all the food anyone could possibly want! {Smash cut to the BODH at the cashier. Their shopping cart is a gigantic pile. The cashier is identical to all the other ones from other episodes.} CASHIER: That brings your total to... {presses some buttons on cash register} $418,053,907,256.99. Oh, yeah, sure. Uh... hey Garbles. Got any cash? I thought you were paying. I was. I brought $2 for a pencil. I have a fraction of a cent in my bank account, if that helps. I can draw a 400-billion-dollar bill in my magic book. Isn't that counterfeit? I have a moist towelette! I'm sure someone here has money, right? I don't think any of us even have jobs. Well, how much do we have in total? {Everyone whispers to each other} 3 dollars? And a fraction of a cent. How do we get more money? We gotta get paid or something. That's it! We'll find jobs!! {Cut to the title card: a sticky note in a cubicle reading "the boring office of dullards and holding". Cut to the BODH walking into a job interview.} SB undefined Welcome to your interview, losers. All right, why do you want this position in our company? Uh, it depends on the position. And the company. SB undefined You don't know what you're applying for?! I just thought it was a generic office job. Out of curiosity, what company is this, what does it do, and what jobs are available? SB undefined {thinks} That's... not important right now. Next question. How many rubber band balls am I entitled to? SB undefined Whatever amount you're thinking of minus 27. Is there an abundance of cheese biscuits? SB undefined Yeah, but they're all mine. {under his breath, menacingly} Not for long... What types of things are we supposed to do? SB undefined Oh, you know. Type words. Staple papes. Lunch breaks. Water cooler talk. All that stuff. What are your skills, and how would they benefit this company? SB undefined Oh, well, I can type with boxing gloves, so I've got that going for me, which is— wait, not again! I'm supposed to ask you the questions! That's right. If you make a mistake like that again, I'll fire you and steal your job. SB undefined Sorry, sir. I'll— wait, what? Now, onto the next question. If you put some food between chunks of sand, is it called a breadwich? SB undefined SHUT UP!! I'm the interviewer here. Now what are your skills? I can eat breadwiches. Most people don't enjoy the taste of sand, but I think it's a fine delight. A fine delight indeed! SB undefined And how will that benefit the company? Well, if you ever need to dispose of sand, you know who to call! SB undefined Okay, that's disgusting. What about you, weirdo from another show? I can not slice the meatloaf, but I can fold it in half! SB undefined What is wrong with you people?! Why are you all so weird? Uh, I forget the answer to that question. Perhaps you ought to read our resume. {hands Strong Bad the resume} SB undefined Under the "Education" section, you just have kindergarten. Yeah, none of us passed any other grades. What are you talking about? I have 40 PhDs. Whoa! You passed kindergarten? I didn't bother to ask anyone else 'cause it's so hard. Like, triangles? Who knows what a triangle is? How much is "3"? This is advanced stuff!! SB undefined Well, you're definitely not getting the job. What about the rest of you? What are your skills and suchwhat? I'm good at cataloging things! I majored in Delivering Breakfast Items In Half-Hour Intervals at Clown College. I own a magic sketchbook and magic eyelids. I'm a janitor, so I janit for a living. I'm a dean. I'm not actually sure why I'm at this interview. I have very few personality traits, so I can do pretty much whatever the plot demands. Everybody loves the me. I'm a terrific athlete! I got a record deal one time. (And I deserved it, too.) I'm also good at stuff! SB undefined Well, you guys have pretty good resumes and talents, but unfortunately, you're all terrible. Get outta my office. Now. {Cut to the BODH on the street in the rain} That was successful. What do we do now? We'll find our own voice! The little man has a point. If the past 7 months have taught the Homestar Runner anything, it's that breaking and entering will get you everywhere! {Fade to later. Homestar is gone and the BODH are waiting outside the building. Honstlar's phone rings.} Hey, I think my grandma's calling you! Nah, it's probably Homestar. Oh. That makes more sense. {answers the phone} Hey, Runner. {through the phone} The coast is toast, my friend. You are free to enter the building. Great! {hangs up} {Cut to the same interview room. The BODH walk in to find Homestar at the desk instead of Strong Bad.} Can you belive it? I snuck in here and stole Strong Bad's job! Great! Now you can just get us jobs here too! Sorry, but you still have to have an interview. What? But you're one of us! Part of getting the job. Fortunately, it doesn't really matter what you answer. I'll hire you guys anyways. So we can just say whatever? Absolutely. COCKROACH-FLAVORED SOURBREAD!! Excellent point. Now, what are your experiences in this field, you guys? Chickety China! The Chinese chicken? Bingo! Just what we need! Zorp! Right back at ya, Glip flop! My legs can walk FIFTEEN miles through the snow! Now that's a skill! My head tastes like magic! So does mine! On Mondays, at least. I can confirm that their heads do taste like magic. Like almost exactly. Although real magic tastes a bit tangier. Citrusy almost. It's hard to describe the wealth of flavor. What office-type things can you do? I can staple! That's it! I can type the letter "G"! Sometimes. Excellent talents, you guys! Anything else? I can swee- PERFECT! I can eat many lemons at the same time! That has nothing to do with office work, but who cares? We're gettin' the job anyway! Indeed you are! You're both hired! I'll ransack the building and steal supplies to sell for horrendous amounts on the black market! You'd admit that? It's not like it'll lessen my chances of getting this job. Hey, good point. I, personally, have a tendency to make computers explode, costing this company jillions in equipment replacement. Anystuff else? I may hack into the system and access the company's secret files so I can work my way up to CEO and make billions! What a great career plan! You seem to be a very responsible worker. You're hired too! Also, I've been fired multiple severals of times! Well, as your bossm'n, I'll make sure that doesn't happen again! I can't do a single office-related thing! Great! You're hired! I demand casseroles! {takes out a casserole} Sure thing, future employee! Here's my resume! {takes out a napkin} I didn't bother writing anything on it, 'cause I'll work here either way! Excellent choice! You seem very efficient, blue face teeth head man. You're hired! Yes! I'll finally have more than a fraction of a cent! Perhaps even several fractions of a cent! What about the rest of us? You're all hired!! ALL: Hooray! {Cut to the office. The droning sounds of monotonous workers and constant stapling accentuate the unbearably dull experience as Honstlar, bored and tired, types slowly, one letter at a time, into a computer.} Z... Q... B... L... M... J... A... What type words are you type typing? I don't even know what this job is. I'm just typing randomly in the hopes that I'll eventually accomplish something. You know the saying... if you leave a monkey with a typewriter for all eternity... It'll get bored and start screeching at you and clawing your eyes out, and escaping through the window with all your food to go back into the jungle to find the family it was taken from? That's not how the saying goes. Well, that should be the saying. {staring into nothing} I know this from experience... 'Kay, that's weird. Well, the point is, I'm a monkey, this computer is a typewriter, and this job is... uh, eternity. At least, that's what it feels like. It feels like we've been here for years. How long has it been? Uh... {glances at his watch} we were hired two minutes ago. I can't wait for my retirement. Try having fun. The time should go by faster then me at a steakhouse of pancakes. Hey, good idea. {holds up a balloon} Hey, this is great! How long has it been? Two hours? Three years? All eternity? Five seconds. {the balloon pops} Now I really want to retire. Look on the bright side! You're five seconds closer! If I may interject... one balloon doesn't equal instant fun. You need to put in time and effort. Time and effort? I don't even do that for this job! Why is having fun even harder than a career?! Well, not that much effort. Just, you know, not just one balloon. What do you suggest? Twelve balloons? Perhaps a piece of confetti? We could keep tape it to the ceiling and wait until the tape comes loose! I dunno. Put office equipment in jello. Imitate your coworker. Move someone's desk. That sorta thing. I may know just the thing... (Cut to slow-motion footage of Gfd, Honstlar, and Greg destroying a fax machine with a smiley face on it, set to a song by Peacey P.) {Cut back to the cubicles} That was fun. What now? {A phone rings} Ooh! Tech support! I got this! (Gfd picks up the phone) (In an exaggerated Indian accent.) Thank you for calling our super legit tech support line, how may I help you? (Offscreen) Hey, This isn't Pizza Castle! Wait, what's with the accent? What accent? Am I doing that? (Gfd turns his head around.) (Normally) Hey Greg, Do I sound weird to you? (Offscreen) When don't you sound weird? (In the accent) Gasp! There must be some mysterious and definitely delicious force preventing me from talking normally when giving tech support! Is it the Cardgage curse? Whatever you do, do not say TER ti AR y! Oh wait. Well, at least nothing too weird has happened. (Gfd then expands to the girth of a large exercise ball and his hat grows a tiny Mexican Shriner named Plinko) Dah, floddamnit! Plinko: Arrivedercii! French Narrator: One Extremely Long Deweirdifying Session Later... Boy, that was one extremely long deweirdifying session. Now let's reweirdify ourselves with some more tech support! {A phone rings.} There's one now! {picks up the phone} Yes, this is me. Who is you? SB undefined It's me. Listen, my Internet's been clogged up with all these pop-ups and downloads. They're starting to protrude out of the screen. This thing could burst any second, I'm telling you. Then there'd be pop-ups all over the place. You know how long it takes to mop up pop-ups? Have you tried turning it off and on again? SB undefined If I hadn't tried that, I wouldn't have called you in the first place!! Then, in that case, have you tried turning it both on and off? SB undefined How would I even do that? Simple, just push the power button halfway. SB undefined That won't do anything. How can you be so sure if you haven't tried that? SB undefined Because pushing halfway would just— Try it. SB undefined The button d— Try it. SB undefined Fine. I'll try it. {An explosion is heard over the phone.} SB undefined PEH! PAH!! WHAT?! WHAT'D YOU DO TO MY LAPPIER? If you've followed my instructions correctly, the problems should have disappeared. You're welcome. SB undefined My computer disappeared! And now there are no more problems! If you'll excuse me, I've got bagels to work on. SB undefined YOU DESTROYED MY COMPUTER! I DEMAND COMPENSATION! If you are still unsatisfied with your service, I can schedule an appointment with a specialist to fix the problem. SB undefined THE PROBLEM IS I HAVE NO COMPUTER! Please hold while I contact our computer specialist. Hey, is there a specialist in here? {puts on glasses} Yes, there is, it's me. {takes off glasses} Oh, thank goodness you're here! Our customer is having technical difficulties! You gotta get over there quick as a fast! {puts on glasses} Will do! {Gfd chomps a hole in the fabric of spacetime and exits into Strong Bad's computer room.} SB undefined Whoa. You have teleportation? You're basically omnipotent. Yep. One of the perks of being hungry. What's the problem? SB undefined As I've said, THE PROBLEM IS YOU EXPLODED MY COMPUTER INTO THE TINIEST OF ASHES AND I DEMAND A NEW ONE! Please, you're being hysterical. If you'd calm down, I'm sure we can identify the problem. Now, where is your computer? SB undefined IT'S GONE! IT'S EXPLODED! IT'S ASHES!! Ah, I see. That will be a problem, won't it? I think I has the solution. First, we need to perform a factory reset on your laptop to be sure to get rid of any bugs in the system. SB undefined HOW DO I DO A FACTORY RESET WHEN THQRGKGWDJ— Sir, there's no need to panic. This will be a simple procedure. First, open task manager to see which applications are currently running. SB undefined NONE! How can you be sure if you haven't opened task manager? SB undefined MY COMPUTER HAS DISINTEGRATED! IT NO LONGER EXISTS!! I see. This would make your laptop difficult to navigate. Thankfully, there's a keyboard shortcut. Use Ctrl + Shift + Esc to open task manager, and cancel all currently running programs and applications. SB undefined {screams in rage and agony} Ma'am, please calm yourself. Now, if you would, show me where your computer is located. SB undefined ON THE FLOOR IN ASHES 'CAUSE IT'S EXPLODED AND GONE! Oh. That complicates things then, doesn't it? What did you see before it exploded? SB undefined Just a bunch of weird pop-ups and stuff. I see. Did you see anything out of the usual before then? SB undefined No. Actually, I recieved an email a few days ago that looked sorta familiar. It started with, like, an "ert+" or something. How is that relevant? SB undefined I guess it's not. Just weird is all. {Long pause.} SB undefined Speaking of which, {Homsar voice} don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk! Would you repeat that please? SB undefined {the music from Meet Marshie plays as his proportions glitch} Bubble, bubble-dee-bubble. Dubble Bubble. {The ashes from the Lappier form into a blue-tinted Tampo sprite, which grows and covers the screen. It disappears, leaving the characters in a digital-looking void.} Well, this is new. {Cut back to the office.} Hey. Do you know where Garbles is? I think he went to check up on someone's computer system. Oh, okay. So I will have HAVE have HAVE one) What was that? gort.gort.gort.gort. {Coach E turns into ASCII art, and the wall behind her begins to turn into a laser grid.} {unintelligible beeping} Not this again. {SRMX12 runs over to his cubicle, grabs a phone, and dials frantically.} Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up... {from the phone} Y'ello? Gfd. Where are you? {Cut to Gfd in the digital void.} Some weird virtual world. It's all dark with green grid lines and sometimes numbers. YES! That's perfect. Since you were closest to the virus when it began to spread, it infected you as its host! I'm a host? Like of a game show? A virus can't be spread without a host. It took you to this void so it can spread throughout the universe! Why is that perfect? Because it means you can stop it! All you need to do is find Edgar, he'll stop stop the the the g g g g Hello? {Cut back to SRMX12 in the office, which is now fully pixelated. His phone turns into binary code.} Oh no. I'm going too. Please, Gfd... s s s a v e u s. . . {his Flash assets begin to separate and turn into a hideous monstrosity} Popcorn chicken. Yum yum. {Cut back to Gfd.} So that's it then. It's up to me. I, and I alone, must find Edgar. My universe is destroyed if I don't act fast. I'm the only thing standing between the virus and the universe. Just me. Alone. In solitude. Without companionship. Completely and utterly— SB undefined {Mexican accent} Competeeshon! {his head turns into bubbles} Oh. You're here too. Well, let's go. {Cut to everyone talking around the water cooler in the office.} ...And that's how I saved the universe. I don't know, I'm not buying the bit with the virtual mutant shark battle. Sir, I am insulted. Are you questioning my credibility? Yes. If your whole story is true, why didn't we get to see any of it? 'Cause that's not what this episode is about. It's called "The Boring Office of Dullards and Holding", not "Gfd and Strong Bad Save the Universe From the Virus". Yeah, well that's what it should be called. Or "Gfd and the Digital 50,000-Mile Leviathan That He Singlehandedly Tamed and Subsequently Devoured With His Bare... Hands". Rolls off the tongue, I say! Oh, and speaking of holding, I gotta go do that! Peow! {speeds away} {Cut to Gfd at his cubicle. He dials a number.} VOICE ON PHONE: Hello, this is Cheatsa Pizza. What would you like to order? Please hold. VOICE ON PHONE: Wh— what? {Gfd begins playing the oboe. Cut to another Gfd in another part of the room, playing the drums. Cut to two more Gfds playing the synthesizer and the triangle, respectively.} {singing} This is the song of the tech support hold, I'll sing it until the sound gets too old, If I need a bagel or I have a cold, I'll sing you the song of the tech support hold! {Three more Gfds join in to harmonize.} Lee-da-da-dee-da-da-lee-da-da-dee, la-lee-ba-ba-dee-doo-doo-wah! {An entire chorus of Gfds, standing on a stage while dressed in choir garments, harmonizes along.} Lee-da-da-dee-da-da-lee-da-da-dee, la-lee-ba-ba-dee-doo-doo-wah! {Cut back to Gfd in his cubicle as he sings the hold music.}

I do not know how to clear my browser cache, I can't change my IP addreeess... but I know that I'll still get paid my cold hard cash, and that's why this job is the beeest! {He begins singing the bridge of the song, sung in a higher pitch. A few choir Gfds join in.}

I can transfer you to someone who can help, I can tell you to press the numberrrs...'' But if I did, then I wouldn't get to sing this song, and oh wait, that part didn't rhyyyme! {Cut to a Gfd with a conductor's baton.} All together now! {Everyone in the office comes together for the chorus.} ALL: {singing} This is the song of the tech support hold, I'll sing it until the sound gets too old, If I need a bagel or I have a cold, I'll sing you the song of the tech support hold! Hoooold! Big finish! {Cut back to Gfd at the cubicle.} {into his headset} Okay, I'm back. I'd like to order a double triple cheeseroni deluxe with— oh, they hung up. {With a hangup tone, cut to a computer screen reading "END".} {"...OF THAT MUSICAL NUMBER"} (Cut to Honstlar in his cubicle) And if we factor in the cost of the reusable paper plates, the total cost of the Cinco de Mayo party would be... (The DELETED! buzzer is heard.) Flambé'd Error?! Uggh, I hate Lotus 1-2-3!!! Why do I have to do spreadsheets when I could be playing Commander Keen instead?! {Gfd slowly rises up from within the cubicle.} I heard you needed tech support. Oh, no... I can support all the tech, man. There is no problem I can't solve. Lay it on me. My 'puter went kablooie. I'm afraid you have to be more specific. I'd rather not. Last time you did any supporting of tech, you ended up infecting the universe with a computer virus and turning me into a bowl of grapes with a "find edges" filter. {typing on Honstlar's computer} Don't worry. If this goes south, you can rest assured that your newly grapèd corpse won't go to waste. It will sustain future generations, by which I mean the current generation, by which I mean me. Hey, you're trying to turn me into an edge-detected bowl of grapes, aren't you?! No sir. This time I'm going for the "emboss" effect. I love me some of that shiny metallic sheen. Gray grapes are great grapes! Can you please go get SRMX12 or anyone else on the planet to help, and leave my cubicle space as soon as humanly possible? What, you don't like heavily-filtered grapes? It's an acquired taste. You must learn to appreciate fine cuisine. {does a kind of kiss in the air} What was that? Oh, it was like a chef's kiss, like you know, you do when something's really good. But I can't really do the hand thing. {thinking} That is, unless I use someone else's hands... hey, that's it! {gets a chainsaw} I'll be right back. {runs off} Phew. I thought he'd never leave. I know right? That guy is such a dullard. So, on a completely unrelated note... I finally finished all that paperwork I've been putting off. I just kept putting it off, y'know? And then I decided, you know what, I'm gonna put it on for once. And that's what I did, turns out. And speaking of putting it on, I think that's what I did with my weight. Maybe I should start one of them carb-free diets. Lay off the breadstuffs for a while. A terrific athlete's gotta keep in shape, y'know? My shape is gettin' a bit roundy, if I do say so myself. Come to think of it, you're not the fittest guy around either. We should meet up at the jogging track sometime. Speaking of which, d'ja see the latest episode of soap opera? Can't believe she left that guy. She'll be back next season, I'm tellin' ya. Mark my words. {Honstlar sighs, and Homestar continues rambling as the scene fades out. With a hangup tone, cut to a computer screen reading "END OF THAT CARTOON".}