AWMPSCEIRLOMGG/Week 3 (1st half)

Wrestling Observer News

 * The main event on Monday Night Raw was Batista defending his WWE title against Mark Henry. Despite being big slow men, they fought long and hard and put on a notable main event to close the show.
 * Also on the card, the odd team of John Cena and Goldust defeated Gary the Legend and Samoa Joe in a ladder match, a straight squash for Cena. And Reverend D-Von, Chris Jericho and newcomer Strong Bad defeated Christian, Rob Van Dam and Rey Misterio in a ladder match, with Jericho getting the pinfall on RVD.
 * OZ Academy Extra Fight Appears 2007 made a big splash in the world of joshi puroresu. The big title match was Aja Kong defeating Misae Genki, Yoshiko Tamura and Nanae Takahashi to defend the Universal title in a steel cage.
 * Also, Chikayo Nagashima beat Carlos Amano in a barbed wire deathmatch, defending her Wrestling Spirit title.
 * José Maximo was scammed out of a ton of money by IWA-MS owner Ian Rotten. Maximo has walked out on the promotion in a rage, presumably never to return.
 * Chris Masters is out injured for over a month, having partially torn a ligament in his knee while wrestling Matt Hardy on Monday.
 * ZERO1-Max First Strike featured Shinjiro Otani and C.W. Anderson defeating Masaaki Mochizuki and CIMA, in a master class of technical puroresu.
 * Also on the card, International Jr. Heavyweight champion Masato Tanaka defended his title against TAKA Michinoku, Katsuhiko Nakajima and Kendo Kashin.
 * In TNA, The Rough Cutt (Raven and Sean Waltman) have just joined Latin American Xchange, despite neither of them being Latino, in the continuing degradation of the stable.
 * OZ Academy wrestler Fuka has left to train for an MMA fight, and will be gone for about 5 months.

Live on WWE Raw...
{In the Raw arena, Strong Bad makes his entrance holding a mic}

STRONG BAD: {with the accent} Hallo, all joo morones!

{Boos}

STRONG BAD: {normally} Okay, that's out of the way. I got a complaint for whoever's runnin' this crap! What kinda styrofoam personalities are they hiring these days? Everybody's coming out just to say their catchphrases, speaking in that laboriously slow drone so the divorced  dads at home don't have to listen too hard, and then pausing for a crowd reaction, wasting even more time!

{He pauses for the crowd reaction}

STRONG BAD: What happened to dinosaur tranquilizer-fueled ranting and raving?! I want to legitimately fear for my favorite superstar's mental health! Gimme a promo I can barely make out two words of!

{He looks up as Paul Heyman's theme hits and he comes out to the entranceway}

HEYMAN: My friend, I have heard your complaints and I may have the solution!

STRONG BAD: Oh yeah?

HEYMAN: I know the kind of product you are looking for, and it is called E...C...W! Become my client, and together we can restart the greatest promotion of all time! The WWE will be remade, in your image!

STRONG BAD: No, see, there ya go. You just prove my point. I could drive an oil tanker through the spaces between your words!

HEYMAN: Excuse me? You don't like the way I talk?

STRONG BAD: I work alone, see?! Except when I work with Strong Mad or The Cheat! Which is all the time! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go backstage and hopefully not get slapped or restraining-order-filed by the finest ladies in all of wrestling.

{He drops his mike and exits the ring}

John Cena and Goldust def. "Gary the Legend" and Samoa Joe (match rating: 81)

Reverend D-Von, Chris Jericho and Strong Bad def. Christian, RVD and Rey Misterio (match rating: 87)

At a small independent show...
{Inside a small arena's backstage area, with women wrestlers}

REYNA PINK: It's my very first match. I really don't wanna mess this up!

ATHENA: Just keep a cool head and remember training camp.

REYNA PINK: Right.

{At that moment, The Fat Bee bursts into the locker room and startles her}

REYNA PINK: {freaking out} AHH! Giant freaking bee!!

AWESOME KONG: Hey, wait a minute. I think that's your opponent for tonight.

REYNA PINK: {panicked} That thing is my wrestling opponent?! {beat} That thing is a girl?!

{The Fat Bee floats inside and shoves (presumably) her face into the flowers on the vanity}

JOSIE: You think that's bad? I have to wrestle Lacey Von Erich.

{The Fat Bee glances back at them with a face fulla pollen}

Inside Empty High School Gymnasium...
{Inside Empty High School Gymnasium, a blue faced figure wanders in, looking as if he had recently gotten terribly lost}

GFDGSGXGZGDRC: Hello! I'm here! Finally found the place!

{He takes a walk through the backstage, marveling at the new look and the small group of human wrestlers}

GFDGSGXGZGDRC: Whoa! Real-live email! I mean wrestling!

{He enters Haysi's office}

HAYSI: Get on the dance floor, hot stuff!

GFDGSGXGZGDRC: Hey, it's Mr. Guy With the Name That Makes Your Tongue Do the Figure-Four Leg Lock On Itself While Grabbing the Ropes For Leverage! Or just Garbles.

HAYSI: Hey man! What took you so long? Went on a spiritual journey to Mu Mu?

GFDGSGXGZGDRC: I kinda got lost on the way to the gymnasium...

HAYSI: But you were right there with us when we all dropped into Atlanta. Like, five feet away. Looking right at the ol' Empty H.S.

GFDGSGXGZGDRC: {sweatdrops} I know! That empty parking lot is a real maze! I barely escaped with my life.

HAYSI: Now that you're here, how about wrestling for us?

GFDGSGXGZGDRC: Ooh! I can be The Tongue Twister and finish off opponents with my special move, the 1080 Hover-in-Midair-and-Take-a-Sip-of-Coffee Flip Splash!

HAYSI: Can you... actually do that move?

GFDGSGXGZGDRC: I can pretend that I did, and feel really proud about it.

HAYSI: Good. How do you feel about working for peanuts?

GFDGSGXGZGDRC: I'd rather have packing peanuts. Green flavor.

HAYSI: Shake my hand, wild man!

{They shake on it}