hpe/20

Hpemail #20

Horrible Painting finds a storybook of old memories.

Page Title: Sandy's last standy! 0.4 is no more!

Running Time: 10:19

Date: January 26, 2018

Script
''{Open to the sky at sunset, colored pink and orange. A relaxing ukelele version of the Everybody Everybody theme plays. Waves can faintly be heard. After a few seconds, pan down to the beach. Horrible Painting is lying on a swaying hammock with sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt. He is holding a drink with a small umbrella and a slice of lemon in it. An Atari seagull flies past and squawks.}''

{The music stops abruptly as The Goblin pokes his head out of the sand, wearing sunglasses and a swimming suit.}

THE GOBLIN: Hey, you should probably check another email.

HP: Aww. I was having so much fun procrastinating... {gets out of his hammock and walks away}

''{Wipe to the computer room. Wind blowing can be heard. It is dark and full of cobwebs and spiders. Goo drips out of the Sandy 0.4. After a while, lights turn on and the spiders scatter away. Horrible Painting and The Goblin walk in from the right.}''

HP: See? I wasn't gone that long. The ol' Sandy is in perfect shape. {sits down at the computer desk}

''{Cut to the normal view of the computer, with Horrible Painting's head in the reflection. He presses a key on the keyboard, and the computer blows away like dust.}''

HP: Oh. I, uh, guess that's the last we'll be seeing of the Sandy.

GOBLIN: The Sandy's turned to sand! {rimshot}

{Pause}

HP: Your puns are not needed at the moment.

GOBLIN: Yes, sir.

HP: Go to your room.

GOBLIN: Yes, s&mdash; we&mdash; we only have one room. And I'm already in it.

HP: Then... stay there.

GOBLIN: Okay.

HP: Now come on. We need to get a new computer.

GOBLIN: ...Okay.

{Wipe to Bubs' Concession Stand}

BUBS: Come on, everypeoples! We're havin' a sale! Pay five cents more for any item of equal or greater value to this napkin! {holds up a napkin}

{Horrible Painting (still inside the painting) and The Goblin walk up to the stand}

HP: {under his breath; a green spiral appears around him} I want a computerrr.

{The scary music from Jibblies 2 starts playing}

BUBS: Ah-jibblie! Jibblie! Jibblie? Ah-jibblie. {continues throughout scene}

HP: {the music stops} Aw, crample. I hate when this happens. What do we do now?

GOBLIN: Let's go into the stand and see what we can find.

{HP and The Goblin hop over the shelf and into the stand with Bubs}

HP: Hey, what's this button do? {taps a button with the corner of his painting}

''{The inside of the stand turns dark, and a yellow light appears on the ceiling. HP, Goblin, and Bubs sink down below the shelf as if on an elevator.}''

''{Mysterious action music plays. Cut to the platform they're standing on, as it slowly descends into a dark, rocky cave. When it reaches the bottom, a small device on the wall scans Bubs's eyes, opening a high-tech metal door. The platform floats to the right, into the door. Cut to inside the door, where the platform is still floating to the right, above a metal floor with secretive devices adorning the gray walls. Horrible Painting and The Goblin look around in amazement, as Bubs stands still, flailing his arms and saying "jibblie".}''

ROBOT VOICE: Voice verification.

BUBS: Jibblie!

''{The ceiling opens, and the platform raises into the hole in the ceiling. Above the ceiling is a cement room, with a calculator-like machine on the wall. Unconsiously, Bubs types in the password with his flailing arm. The platform floats to the left, into another room. Cut to HP and The Goblin. The music stops.}''

BOTH: Whoa!

''{Pan around the room. It is shiny and metallic, and a sign above reads "COMPUTER SHOPPE". Various computers sit on tables and boxes around the room.}''

GOBLIN: {voiceover} How convenient.

''{A simple Casio tune starts playing. Cut to the Tandy 400, with only the bottom remaining. Smoke rises out of it. HP and The Goblin walk up to it.}''

HP: How about this one?

GOBLIN: Nah, too obsolete. No one uses blown-up computers anymore.

''{Cut to an empty table. HP and The Goblin walk up to it.}''

HP: How are we supposed to check emails on a nonexistent computer?

''{HP and The Goblin walk offscreen. The Goblin bumps the table as he leaves, turning on the Zappy XT6's holographic screen and keyboard behind them.}''

''{Cut to a close-up of a sketchpad. A letter is written on it.}''

GOBLIN: {voiceover} Too old-fashioned.

{Cut to a cell phone}

HP: {voiceover} How are we supposed to type without a keyboard?

{Cut to the Lappier}

HP: {voiceover} Nah, we don't want to be arrested for stealing this.

{Cut to Old-Timey Strong Bad's telegramophone}

GOBLIN: {voiceover} This should've been sold 70 years ago.

{Cut to a waffle that says "BUG"}

HP: {voiceover} This book is too long.

{Cut to the Roomy-Vac}

GOBLIN: {voiceover} Don't want to pay the mortgage.

''{Cut to a view of the entire room. HP and Goblin stand in the center.}''

HP: Well, what else can we&mdash; {his eyes widen}

''{A high-pitched choir chants as light appears around a computer, covered in greenish slime. "GRODY TWO" is written in the corner.}''

HP: {voiceover} The Grody Two!

''{Music plays. Cut to the set of The Show, with a silhouetted Grody on the pedestal. As HP speaks, the camera zooms in and the Grody becomes visible.}''

HP: {the words appear around the screen as he says them} 1-and-a-half-inch, several-pixel monitor! 1 to 5 colors available! {cut to HP} Dusty... Sandy... Grody... this was made for me! It's like my dream!

GOBLIN: {record scratch, music stops} How do you know all this?

HP: {holds up a paper} 'S on the brochure.

GOBLIN: Can't we buy this instead? {holds up a thin black laptop, still with the green slime on it} It's the Grody Nine. Much newer. More features. Advanced technology.

HP: But&mdash; but Grody Two!

GOBLIN: The Nine will be much better, I'm sure.

HP: {jumping up and down} I want Grody Two!

GOBLIN: Calm down, now, Horrorguy. I'll get you a juice box when we get home.

HP: {grumbles} Okaaay.

''{Cut to Bubs, still with the jibblies. The Goblin walks up to him, holding the Grody Nine.}''

GOBLIN: I'll take this one, Mr. Bubs! I'll take twelve.

HP: One.

GOBLIN: One. I&mdash; I meant one.

{Pause}

HP: He's still jibblified.

GOBLIN: Should we un-jibblify him?

HP: Way no! We can get this thing for free!

GOBLIN: Sometimes I question your ethicality.

HP: What&mdash; that mean what now?

''{Goblin walks off, still holding the Grody Nine. HP follows behind.}''

''{Cut to the computer room. HP walks up to the desk and puts the Grody Nine on it. Cut to the normal view of the computer.}''

HP: Well, that was the longest email introduction ever. Hopefully this thing won't turn to dust. {presses a button on the keyboard}

''{The Grody Nine logo appears on screen in white, with a startup noise. A loading wheel appears below. After a while, the desktop appears. The desktop background is a picturesque photo of The Stick. In the top-left corner is an envelope icon, reading "Mail". Below it is a folder icon, reading "Stuff". Below that is a clock icon, reading "Thyme". Below that is a Trogdor icon, reading "Jame". In the top-right corner, there is a garbage bin icon, reading "Garbage".}''

HP: What wizardry is this? How&mdash; there are pictures! And words! Both at once! {types} horrible-underscore-e&mdash; why isn't anything showing up?

''{The Goblin moves the mouse to the Mail icon and clicks it. The inbox is full of emails and constantly changing.}''

HP: Wha&mdash; you can tell the computer what to do through this... black styrofoam gumdrop?

GOBLIN: That's the most creative name for a mouse I've heard today.

HP: Mouse? Must be dead. It doesn't have ears or a toe. {looks at the computer} Whoa! Looks like I've become pretty popular. I've got a lot of emails to check.

GOBLIN: Oh! I'm sorry! I must've accidentally logged on to my email address.

''{The Goblin logs out and clicks "Horrorguy" on the login screen. The inbox has one email, "LEGITIMATE SPAM BOT ACCESSORIES $$$", from "spambot@spamitude.spam".}''

HP: One email? I've been gone for over a year, and I have one email?

GOBLIN: Check the Spam folder. Sometimes regular emails go there.

''{HP clicks the Spam folder and finds another email, "twanty yrs???" from "geoffrondleman_@hotjonesinvestment.muffin".}''

HP: {singing} Stave it off, 1 2 3, and now you can email meee! {speaking} Well, you could do that before, but... whatever. {clicks the email}

''{After reading "20th anniversary", HP says "Like twenty years ago... stupid procrastination." After reading "not your fan", he says "Then why do you care about my childhood enough to email me about it?"}''

HP: Yeah, twenty years ago. Good times, man... goood times... {pause}

GOBLIN: You don't actually remember it, do you?

HP: I remember... it was... twenty... years ago. {defensively} Look, twenty years is a long time!

GOBLIN: We have that photo book, remember?

HP: Oh, right. Where is it?

GOBLIN: I think it's in the closet, with all our other stuff.

HP: Oh. Go get it.

GOBLIN: You're right next to the closet. {pan to the left, revealing a closet right next to the desk} Why don't you get it?

HP: Well, you're standing right here, so... you might as well.

GOBLIN: I have to do everything around here.

HP: Hey, I went grocery shopping last Saturday.

GOBLIN: That was last year. ''{Cut to the fridge. It's gross.}'' Our cabbage is starting to go bad.

HP: Hm. Good point. Goblin, will you go grocery shopping?

GOBLIN: Sigh.

''{Cut to the cover of a storybook, with a picture of Horrible Painting in the Field with a computer. "the horrible painting checks an electronic mail" is written above, and "A CHILDREN'S STORY BY MIKE & CRAIG" is written below.}''

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} The Horrible Painting checks an electronic&mdash; AHHH! What am I doing here? Where am I? Why am I narrating this?

''{Cut back to the computer room. Strong Bad is tied to a chair, and The Goblin is holding a book in front of him.}''

HP: You are going to read this, and you are going to read it good. Understand?

STRONG BAD: WAH! Jibblie jibblie.

GOBLIN: You're the one who always narrates these things. So we need you to narrate this one as well.

''{Cut to the first page, with The Horrible Painting in the center. The background is white, with a green spiral around The Horrible Painting.}''

STRONG BAD: Everybody's scared of The Horrible Painting. He is a frightening fellow.

{Cut to The Horrible Painting in a forest.}

Once upon a few weeks or so ago, The Horrible Painting was taking a brisk walk through the forest.

{Cut to The Horrible Painting looking at a TV behind a tree.}

The Horrible Painting wandered all up on a television set. "What here is this television-style set doing behind this tree?" inquired The Horrible Painting. "I wonder whomst it belongs to'mst." {Strong Bad adds, "What kind of grammar is that? How old is this thing?"}

{Cut to The Horrible Painting holding the TV and talking to a carrot-headed guy}

He asked The Carrot-Looking Guy. "Hello, The Carrot-Looking Guy, is this television set of the belonging to you?" "Jibblie jibblie jibblie," replied The Carrot-Looking Guy.

{Cut to The Horrible Painting with three characters; a Pom Pom-like robot, a fat man holding a propeller, and a winged fairy-like creature.}

"I say there, the three guys, would you happen to know whose television set this would happens to be?" asked The Horrible Painting. They did not.

''{Cut to The Horrible Painting talking to Pom Pom, who is walking Trivia Time. The Homestar Runner dribbles a soccer ball with his foot in front of Pom Pom.}''

He even asked Pom-Pom and his dog, Trivia Time. The television set did not belong to them.

{Cut to The Horrible Painting looking inside a mailbox}

It didn't belong to the postbox.

{Cut to The Horrible Painting under a car}

Or under the auto.

{Cut to Marzipan and The Prince of Town}

It didn't belong to The Prince of Town, or his daughter, The Marzi-Pan.

{Cut to a close-up of The Prince of Town}

{The Prince of Town} "The winner of the Fly to the Sun With Your Nose Contest shall be the owner of the television set!"

{Cut to everyone in their starting positions}

{The Announcer} "Ready! And in addition, if you wish to do so and the time permits it as well, set! And go now!"

{Cut to some characters standing, still in their starting positions}

A few of the contestants were having trouble flying into the sun with their nose.

{Cut to Se&ntilde;or, Bubs, Tiny-Handed Strong Bad, Coach Zee, and Strong Mad flying}

Others were having no problems.

{Cut to a silhouette of the contest with a yellow background}

{The Announcer} "Tiny-Handed Strong Bad is disqualified for flagrant use of relish foot!"

{Cut to Tiny-Handed Strong Bad with relish on his foot}

{Tiny-Handed Strong Bad; in a bad acting voice} "Bah! How did that happen? I would never do such a thing!" {wipes the relish off his foot and falls to the ground}

{Cut to Bubs}

{Bubs} "Sorry, Strong Sbu, cheating is never the answer! Wait, I meant&mdash;" {falls to the ground}

{The Announcer} "Only Se&ntilde;or, Coach Zee, and Strong Mad remain!"

{Cut to the flying contestants}

But Se&ntilde;or hit a cloud. Coach Zee was shot down by a helicopter. And Strong Mad didn't know how to fly. {these things happen, causing them all to fall to the ground}

''{Cut to the starting line. Everyone is in a pile with bruises.}''

At that moment, they all realized: they couldn't fly to the sun with their nose.

{Cut to the Prince of Town}

{The Prince of Town} "I'm sorry, but the contest will have to be postponed until the wind reaches a higher altitude." {walks off}

{Cut to The Horrible Painting in the forest, holding the TV}

The Horrible Painting decided to return the television set to nature, from whence it came.

{Cut to The Goblin jumping out of the bushes}

Oh-so-suddenly, a green thing popped up out of the bushes! "What are you?" asked The Horrible Painting. The green thing did some manner of stylish jig.

{Cut to a close-up of The Horrible Painting}

{The Horrible Painting} "Why, I know that dance. This must be a rare The Goblin!"

''{Cut to a wide shot. The Goblin taps a button on the TV with his foot.}''

{The Horrible Painting} "And that's not a TV... {an email pops up with a "ding"} it's a computer!"

''{Cut to The Horrible Painting in front of the computer, which reads "COMPUTA 001" in the corner.

{The Horrible Painting} "Well, The, I imagine that life will be pretty swell. I'd check emails almost every year... I'd renovate my kitchen... maybe get a pet... I'd also become a worldwide success, in terms of fame, fortune, and foodstuffs. Looks like it's time to cut to an imaginary scene of just that!"

{Wavy transition to Horrible Painting, The Goblin, and Strong Bad in the computer room.}

HP: Oh. Erm. Well, I did half of those things... Well, bye everyone.

''{The Paintper comes down&mdash; the bottom half of a canvas (the top half is unseen), which reads "click here to email Horrible Painting" in an artistic font. Five seconds pass.}''

HP: Hey, what's with the new paper? The Napkin was fine.

GOBLIN: Yeah, but you got a new computer, so I thought a paper would reflect that change. You know, an artistic and relatively metaphorical message to interpret and reflect on the blossoming of the rebirth of a new era of Horrible Painting and his email show...

HP: Yeah, right. What happened to the Napkin?

GOBLIN: I... may or may not have used it as a napkin.

HP: {gasp} You fool! No one uses napkins as napkins! Get out of here!

GOBLIN: {walking away} Hey, I had an extremely messy burger, and that was the closest thing nearby!

STRONG BAD: So, uh, you gonna let me go? I've got emails to check! Video games to play! The Cheats to kick! People to make fun of!

HP: Eh, sure. {loosens the rope} You can go.

STRONG BAD: {running away} Freedom!

HP: Aaand now I'm the only one here. Might as well not just stand here forever. {starts to walks off, but is interrupted by a growl}

{Pan right to show Cus}

HP: Oh, sorry, Cus, you weren't in this email. Well, you are now. Isn't that great?

CUS: {frustrated growl}

{They both walk offscreen in different directions}

Easter Eggs

 * Click on the chair at the end for an extra scene.
 * {Cut to Bubs in the Computer Shoppe, saying "jibblie" and flailing his arms. It is now dark. After a few seconds, Homestar walks up to Bubs from the right, holding a computer.}
 * HOMESTAR RUNNER: Say, Bubsy, thanks for all these free 'puters!
 * {Homestar walks offscreen to the left, out of the shoppe. After a few seconds, many characters walk in the same direction, all holding computers.}


 * Click on the wall for another scene.
 * {Cut to Horrible Painting on the computer. The Goblin walks up, reading his phone.}
 * GOBLIN: Hey, according to the Homestar Wiki, your name is "Jibblies Painting" now.
 * HP: Oh. This... complicates things. Will my show have to be called Jibblies Painting Emails? Will I be called JP from now on?
 * GOBLIN: And apparently, my name has been changed to... {squints and holds up his phone} Jimmers Q. Jambledeen.
 * HP: Sorry, th&mdash; that was me. I... I couldn't resist.

Trivia

 * This email ends the longest hiatus between emails, at 1 year and 23 days. This is alluded to in the opening.
 * At the time of its release, this was the longest email at 10:19, more than triple the length of the next-longest, Quick Emails (2:51). This has since been broken multiple times.

Inside References

 * The Atari seagull is from the take-a-break.exe program in cheat talk.
 * The Goblin's sunglasses and swimming suit are from Happy Hallow-day.
 * Bubs says "everypeoples" in his character video.
 * Bubs refers to a napkin.
 * Horrible Painting says "I want a computer" in the same way he often says "come on in here".
 * Bubs's jibblies are similar to the ones he had in Jibblies 2.
 * Many computers are seen in the Computer Shoppe, such as the Tandy 400 (in its blown-up state from retirement), the Zappy XT6, the Lappier (which was apparently stolen, Old-Timey Strong Bad's telegramophone, and the Roomy-Vac.
 * A cell phone and the waffle that says "BUG" from rampage are also seen.
 * The The Show-style introduction of the Grody Two references the Lappy 486's introduction in animal.
 * The Goblin accidentally says he'll take twelve.
 * The Grody Nine's desktop icons read "Thyme" and "Jame". The Jame in question is presumably TROGDOR!, judging by the icon.
 * Horrible Painting's unfamiliarity with modern technology echos Strong Bad's in weird dream and independent. He also misnames the mouse, as Strong Bad does in redesign.
 * The sender's email address is "geoffrondleman_@hotjonesinvestment.muffin".
 * Horrible Painting's email intro is an edited version of the "Stave it Off" song in for kids.
 * The Storybook segment features many references to Homestar Runner history.
 * The TV behind a tree is from the Second Flash.
 * The Carrot-Looking Guy, the Three Guys, and Trivia Time are from the Museum sketchbook.
 * The Horrible Painting looks in the postbox and under the auto, as Homestar does in Where My Hat Is At?.
 * Marzipan is referred to as The King of Town's daughter, an idea that was scrapped after it appeared in the Old Characters Page.
 * Tiny-Handed Strong Bad is disqualified for using relish foot, as he was in pet show.
 * By saying "sbu", Bubs loses the ability to fly, as stated in lunch special.
 * "Some manner of stylish jig" was said in That A Ghost.
 * The Computa 001 was Horrible Painting's earliest computer, only seen in flashbacks in Deleted and Somebody's Dad, checking emails -37 and -50, respectively.
 * Renovating the kitchen is something Horrible Painting plans to do in Jibblies 2.