Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/Meeple Basement

Grindolo's latest plan involves turning the gang into Meeples and using them as literal pawns in his game of death.

{Pan over a board while music plays and the title "Meeple Grove Market" appears over top. During the narration, panning shots are shown of various meeples toddling around the board.} PLEASANT NARRATOR: {voiceover} Welcome to Meeple Grove Market. Where the meeples all speak in board-gamery terms while I over-explain everything. {Cut to the board} Man, you guys. Man! We're all meeples now. That's cool, I guess. What game is this even? Who cares? I love this design! Look at all the simplicity. I look so round and puffy. 'S kinda annoying not being able to move your mouth though. I kinda miss being a drawing, but this is neat too. Isn't this great? Nothing beats being made outta wood and standing still for all eternity. When you say it like that, it sounds awful. Hey SRMX12. I'll trade you two sheep for brick and wood. Go fish. Aw man! {hops around} 1... 2... 3... 4... Hey, I landed on Community Chest! I get to take a card! {takes a card and reads it} 4000 dolla points! Checkmate! Your turn, Honstlar. Great times! Anyone got any dice? Stra-tee-gooo!! {tosses the dice to Honstlar} Thanks. {rolls a 3} One, two, three. Drat! I landed on a snake! I have to slide down to Gumdrop Mountain. What game are we playing even? Isn't it obvious? Monohihocandyofish of Chestanegomicrabbleskary! The sound of that made my ears wince in pain. Can anyone tell me how we ended up as meeples in the first place? {echoey voiceover} Mu-ha-ha-har-ha-har-ha-har... ...And why I hear Grindolo? {Zoom out, revealing the board is on a desk in Castle Grindolo, and Grindolo is sitting over it. Lightning strikes.} AHHH! Grindolo! How did we not notice him until the camera zoomed out? You're not going to stand up and bump the table and knock us over, are you?! No, I may be an evil 500-year-old spirit, but even I'm not that cruel. So what's the point of all this? Were you the one who turned us into meeples for this board game? I have turned you into meeples, yes, but not for a mere board game, no... I'm using you as literal pawns in my game of death! Hey, that's what this episode's description says! But that makes no sense. How could you use a couple of wooden pieces to affect lives? How does that work? Let me tell you exactly how this game all works... no just kidding, it doesn't matter. You were expecting a long supervillain monologue, weren't you? Well, there's no reason for you to know this information, so I don't have to tell you! Ha-ha! Expectations subverted! 4½ stars with over 600 reviews! A cinematic triumph! Aw, please? I really want to know how this thing works. Okay... in all honesty, I'm not quite sure, because the show's writers haven't come up with a good explanation yet. Branderson? Anyone? Branderson: {offscreen} I don't know, something along the lines of 1313 Dead End Drive? That would be suitable if I knew what that was! Carl: {offscreen} Hold on, let me look it up on Wikipedia. {Typing noises are heard.} Remember when we didn't make jokes like this? Don't be so cynical, Dando. YOU LEAVE MY FAKE FATHER OUTTA DIS! Hey, I didn't know my name was Carl. This changes everything I've ever known!! CARL: Shut up, Garbles. Don't you talk that way to me, me! CARL: Okay, so apparently... this board game is about the heiress to a kitty-litter empire? Hey, this'll be easy! I'm already one of those. CARL: No, I'm not done yet. The players must escape this lady's trap-filled mansion before midnight. Ooh, sounds exciting! Try not to get too excited, yellow fellow. Remember, I control all that happens to you! Prepare to suffer the wrath of Grindolo! {Pause} Just as soon as I make a board because that's how this kind of game works. FRENCH NARRATOR: One Board Making Session Later... {Cut back to the table, where we see the BODH in a miniature version of Castle Grindolo with board game elements like traps, a stack of cards and a portrait of Grindolo wearing a monocle, a top hat and a Hugh Heffner jacket.} {offscreen} Welcome to the Board of Dolo, Helmets! Ooh! Ooh! What fun! Whose turn is first? NO ONE'S! I control everything, remember? Me remember? That's crazy talk. Therefore... it is my turn! {rolls dice} Seventeen! Yes! Seventeen? What's that mean? Tell me, Dean! What's a bean? Are they clean? A bean is a type of legume which can be classified within— Sorry, I got carried away. What's seventeen mean for us? It means "Shut Up, Egghead, It's Time To Draw A Card." {Cut to the portrait.} And the first target is... {Grindolo pulls a card out of the frame, causing the painting to change to depict...} Homestar! Ooh! Ooh! This sounds fun. What do I do first? You die. Aww. That doesn't sound much fun. Not really that much fun at all. {he drops dead and rolls off the board} {Dooble draws a card from a giant stack next to him.} {reading} Go directly to jail, but pass go and collect $200 smackaroons because we can. How is this game where everyone has a chance of dying horribly more generous than Monopoly? I'm not that cruel. Plus, it's not even real money. It uses GrindoloBills. The ratio compared to legal tender is zero to the infinitieth infinity. Wow, that is the most useless money I've ever heard of. Well I guess we'd better pass go, collect 200 GrindoloBills, and go to jail. My three favorite activities! Quick! Someone roll the dice so we can see how many spaces to move! {rolls the dice} Seven thousand two hundred fifty six. Impossible. That's a six-sadd— er, six-sided die. Take a look. {looks at the dice} Whoa. That is... that is a lot of dots. This magic die can give any number between -38 and 91,483. And now, I shall use this die to make you die! ...Was that a good pun? Yeah, I'd say so. Good. I thought of that a few days ago, but I wasn't sure if it was good enough to say out loud. Now start moving! {Everyone moves around the board} ALL: One... two... three... four... {Cut to a black screen with white text reading "Seven thousand two hundred fifty two moves later...". Cut back to the board.} ALL: {exhausted and on the brink of insanity} Seven thousand two hundred fifty six. Nicely done. You just earned yourself 200 GrindoloBills. Now, to jail with you! {Cut to the BODH crowded on the jail space.} I hate this. We have to escape and turn back to normal. But how? Maybe if we win the game and survive, we get to leave. But how do we win? Beats me. The rules aren't really clear. We'll figure it out as we go. I do that every time I try to play Risk! Hey Greg, you got your magic sketchbook? That I do. Why don't we make our own cards to get us out of here? It's kind of hard to draw when you're an unmoving piece of wood, but I'll see what I can do. {A sketchbook falls out of Greg's pocket. He falls over, holds a pencil in his mouth, and twitches slightly to draw on the page. Finally he stands back up and stands on the book, ripping out the page.} One "get out of jail free" card. Made with 0% functioning arms! What?! That's not part of the rules! On the contrary. We're not playing Board of Dolo... {Cut to the title on the board. "Dolo" is crossed out and replaced with "Gfd is Really Quite A Fine Fellow: The Game: The Board Game: The Board: The Game".} We're playing a different game! I changed the title when you weren't looking, thus rendering your rules meaningless! You imbecile. You may have tampered with the game, but I'm still the only player! I have full control over your fates! Yeah, but you still have to follow our rules. Now let us out of here. {The meeples leave the jail space. Zascub steps on a suspicious tile.} Ha haaah! You've entered the Booby Trap Zone! That tile sends spikes out of the walls and through your thick skull! Not so fast! According to my rules, the spikes don't harm anyone. The spikes are made of ultranemium alloy! No one is immune! Then I give Zascub an ultranemium shield to prevent his fate! That's not even in this game. It is now! Fine. There is a shield, but it's all the way on the other side of the board. That's not too far. The next tile is a portal to the shield, I just decided. Not for long. I'm starting my next turn in the Portal Control Zone, so I gain the ability to deactivate portals next turn! Fine, but you have to give us a ten-second head start! Wait, is this just Calvinball in board game form now? Pretty much. In fact, that's one of the wacky and embarrassing challenges you have to do if you want to roll the dice! Aw, come on! Sorry, it's in the rules. That's fine... {draws a card} because I just started my next turn! All portals are deactivated! Hey, you didn't give us a head start! Oh, but I did. I counted to ten internally while you were busy talking. Aw, man! And you know what that means... booby trap time! {Zascub's meeple gets impaled with spikes, and falls off the board.} Oh no! Scub! Er, Zas! Scubbers? Zasc? What should his nickname be? Doesn't really matter now that he's dead. So, Grindolo, what do you have planned for us this turn? Two words, Waddler, GIANT. KILLERSHARKLIKETHINGTHATWIPESYOUFROMEXISTANCEFOREVERANDEVER. I'm pretty sure those were more than two- SILENCE! {A moving killer shark-like meeple is placed on the board.} How do we conquer this mighty beast?! Roll for evasion stat, and divide the G. We'll share our experience points and upgrade our weaponry threefold! D N' D GREG: Quit bitin' my style! Hey, that's it! We can bite the shark's styles before it bites ours! Its styles? How do you propose we do that? {pulls out a pair of fake vampire teeth} With this! {Gfd puts in the teeth and walks over to the shark thing.} I vant to bite your shtyles! SHARK: Izzat s'posed to be a Translyvanian accent? Short of. But alsho it'sh jutht really hard to talk wish dezhe vampire teesh. SHTYLE BITE! {Gfd bites the shark thing and sucks up its styles. It turns into a bland doodle.} SHARK: Oh no! My style is gone! Get out of here, giant killer shark-like thing. No one likes your style. {The shark fades from existence while the Nebulon sound plays.} Now what? Now we begin construction of the doomsday device- Mystic mustard machine. What? No! We’re building a- Mystic mustard machine, I know. {annoyed groan} Okay. A mystic mustard machine that is also a doomsday device. That's a good compromise. You're starting to get the hang of this. The machine spills mystic mustard all over the board, and unless Gfd manages to eat it all, the world ends. Aw, come on! Can't you at least give me a chance?! Our pill, our rules, baby! {wiping his mouth with a napkin} The mustard is already gone. I haven't even started the machine yet! You dare question the stomach of Garbles the All-Devouring? {draws a card} Hey look, this card says "Gfd dies". It does? Well, in that case... {falls over and rolls off the table} Nooo! You won't get away with this. {steps on a tile} I declare this tile to be the Gfd-resurrecting tile. That means I get to resurrect Gfd. What about Homestar and Zascub? Eh, they can resurrect later, I don't care. {performs magic on the board} Sorry, but the tiles have been swapped. The Gfd-resurrecting tile is now on the other side of the board. You're standing on the brainwashing tile. Aw, that's not convenient for me at all. Hail Grindolo! There you go. Oh, the inconvenience! Now, about that mystic mustard machine... {The board begins to flood with mustard.} We have to make it to the Gfd-resurrecting tile! He's the only one who can save us from the condiment onslaught! I think I have an idea! We could walk across the board to get to the Gfd-resurrecting tile! But the board's stained with mystical mustard. Going with the tile path would be easier. But what about the mustard that's already on the tiles? {shaking mop} I...I could sweep it off our path, probably! Now stop bickering! {typing} According to my calculations, that's the best course of action we can take right now. {visibly nervous} Uh, out of c—curiosity... what's second? The second-best plan is to wait for an extraterrestrial invasion of sapient begonias to consume the mustard with their patented mustard-consuming spaceship technology. And, uh, what are the chances of that happening? 0.0000000000000... Well then... I guess there's no other choice. I must sweep away the mustard. Hold on, I'm not done. 00000000000... {continues} {Sume walks along the tile path, sweeping away the mustard.} You can do it, Sume! I believe in you! Just remember, don't touch the mustard or you'll die a slow, painful death! Thanks, that's a helpful reminder. {The mystic mustard machine spews out a dollop of mustard at Sume. She dodges just in time.} Th—that was close. Um, is anyone else interested in sweeping up this mustard? I would, but I've got no arms. But you can— I said I've got no arms. Get off my back. I do have arms, but they're, uh... broken. I'm busy with... waffle... business... {runs away to do waffle business} {The mustard continues flooding the board. Eventually, it pools around Sume, trapping her in the center of the flood. The mustard slowly approaches. She tries sweeping it away in vain, but alas, to no avail.} Someone! Help! Quick!! Just a second, I'm almost finished here... 00000000001%. {Suddenly, extraterrestrial spaceships full of sapient begonias invade, consuming the mustard with their patented mustard-consuming spaceship technology. The board is clear.} Thanks for invading the planet at such a convenient time, sapient begonias. We knew your patented mustard-consuming spaceship technology would come in handy. Hurrah for rare, convenient events! Let's get to the Gfd-resurrecting tile before Grindolo tries to stop us again. {The living members of the BODH run to the Gfd-resurrecting tile.} Hey, wait! That's not fair! You all only survived because of some inane coincidence! If you step on that tile, I'll make sure that my next challenge is even worse! {stepping on the tile} What could be worse than mystic, killer mustard? {pops out of the tile} Hi guys! That. Gfd? Worse than mystic killer mustard? I mean, I'm not going to argue with that. Last week he ate the quesadilla I was saving for dinner, and also literally everything else in my kitchen, including the chairs. You should be glad I got rid of your chairs. They tasted horrible. Still, though, it's Gfd. He's relatively harmless, right? Perhaps I used to be. But now... {He eats Dean and his eyes glow red.} I'm hungry. Oh, come on! First my chairs, now my sort of kind of girlfriend? That's really rude. No, Gfd wouldn't do this... something's wrong. What could it be? {They look down at the tile. It says "Gfd resurrecting tile", with "cursed" written above.} {to Grindolo} You monster! Hey, I said I'd bring him back. Never said he'd be exactly the same. You neglected to mention he'd be resurrected as a mindless glutton who will devour us all! It goes without saying, doesn't it? You just described him perfectly. The real Gfd would almost never eat his friends. He would eat our lunches, and our helmets, and our headquarters a few times, but not us. Yeah, if Gfd was his regular self, he'd have drawn a card to summon an infinite supply of breadsticks instead. Ooh, speaking of which... {draws a card} These breadsticks should keep 'im distracted. {A very large pile of breadsticks fall onto Gfd.} Okay, what do we do now? Run away and try to find something that de-curses Gfd. You sound awfully sure about that. What are you going to do, try to stop us from walking or something? {Grindolo rolls the dice. It lands on the "stop you from walking" side, and everyone's legs disappears.} Oh. How are we going to de-curse him now?! Hey look, a de-cursing switch! {points to a lever on the other side of the board} If Stom can throw one of his waffles at that lever, the effects of the curse may nullify! {Several clones of Gfd walk in front of the lever.} Those waffles will have to get through us first. It resurrected multiple Gfds? I can hardly tolerate one! That's fine, my waffle power is no match for them. {The clones give the stink eye to Stom.} Sic semper conteram-ieiunium, seniorem sentinams! {Stom begins to franticly toss waffles of various shapes and sizes.} I think he's got it, I think he's got it! {The Gfds consume the waffles and continue advancing forward.} It's only encouraging them! What do we do now?! Just wait, I've almost got it! {The Gfds begin to become overwhelmed by the sheer number of waffles being thrown at them, and are knocked back by the onslaught.} Great, now flip that switch! Darn, waffle maker's jammed. {takes out a card} But I've been saving this in my pocket for a situation just like this... You predicted that we would lose our legs and be forced to de-curse clones of Gfd by throwing waffles at a lever? Duh. Why else would I swipe a card of Ultimate Waffle Generation? {Stom uses the card, generating the Ultimate Waffle.} This card is a one-time use, so I've got to get the timing right... You can do this, Stom! Don't hold back!! {Stom throws the waffle. Cut to a slow motion shot as it flies between the Gfds and approaches the de-cursing lever...} {It then comes to a screeching halt, then grows a hand that pulls the lever, returning Gfd to normal and giving everybody else back their legs.} Hoorayshe! What?! IMPOSSIBLE!!!! Silly spirit, nothing is impossible with waffles! Somehow I still don't feel like we're any closer to winning the game, though. Especially considering we don't know how winning works. That's because you can't win! I control your fates, and the game doesn't end until you're all dead! But you have to follow our rules, remember? Even so, I'm the only player! Therefore, you are all mere pawns under my command! Not if we have anything to say about it! {Pause.} {to the rest of the BODH} Do we have anything to say about it? Yeah, I say all this board-induced murder is in very poor taste. We should probably come up with a plan of some kind. {The BODH huddle together, whispering a plan to win the game once and for all...} Oh no, ya don't! {Grindolo poofs them each into their own cage at separate parts of the board} There will be no conspiring on my watch! In fact, I do believe it's time to reveal the next target... {Grindolo pulls a card out of the frame, causing the painting to change to depict SRMX12.} Whaddaya know, it's SRMX! IT'S SRMX12- {He poofs away.} Thanks for correcting me. The card doesn't work without someone saying the full name. SRMX12, no! He was the smartest of all of us, he was going to be our head conspirator! Exactly, who better to kill off than the one with the greatest chance of planning a successful scheme against me? Well, our chances of survival have just dropped severalteenfold. We can still do this without him! I believe in all of you, we can come up with something! You mean, like... {The team whispers among themselves. Fade to later. Grindolo prepares to draw another card.} Well, I'm seeing more conspiring, so it looks like it's about time to give someone an eternal time-out. {smugly} Go ahead, draw a card. See what happens. {Grindolo draws a card.} And the next target is... ME?!?!? {Grindolo poofs away.} All: {Loud cheering.} {A siren blares.} Voice: Warning: Integrity Comprimised! Board Will Explosively Cease Existance In T-Minus 5 Seconds. D'ohhhh, poopie. {The table explodes. Once the smoke clears, we see the BODH (including Homestar, Zascub, Dean and SRMX12) back to normal.} Incredible! Not only did we survive a massive table-splosion, but now we're all back to normal! I'm just sad I'm not made of wood anymore. {Everyone laughs. Slow zoom-out as music plays.} PLEASANT NARRATOR: {voiceover} And so, the player of this board game seemed to perish as a result of his pawns turning against him, because you see, sometimes when a board explodes and all its victims are resurrected— {The music intensifies as the scene continues zooming out, revealing a giant Grindolo looming above, looking over the BODH like pawns on a chessboard.} PLEASANT NARRATOR: {voiceover} —the chessmaster himself will return. {An evil laugh is heard as the scene cuts to an "END" screen spelled out with meeples. After a long pause...} {voiceover} Aw man, I'm the target again?! {another poofing sound is heard}