Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/The Great Christmasberween Sleigh Race

{We start inside the Decemberized basement.} All: ...And a happy new year!
 * honstlar That was a nice round of carolling! Now, let us partake in our wonderous round of Christmas Twister!

The Others: YAY!
 * honstlar Except me.

The Others: Huh?
 * honstlar Oh, I forgot to tell you, my weekly poker game with the King of Town is tonight.
 * evg You're kidding me, right?
 * honstlar Nope, I'm afraid I'm not.
 * stom Why would anyone want to play cards with Dr. Expired PB Crisps?
 * honstlar Because as a result of the Christmas/Decemberween merger seealsothepreviouschristmasspecial, Kingyding is officially a Christmas icon!
 * dean But he's still the King of Town!
 * honstlar Oh, silly Albertsee, you clearly have forgotten about my...

(Pulls out a large book.)
 * honstlar ...Friend List!

(Dean opens the book.)
 * dean Would ya look at that, there he is on page 27!
 * honstlar Now if you excuse me, I'm off to the castle to Hold' Em up good!

(Honstlar walks towards the door carrying a large bag.)
 * gfd Hey, what's in that bag?
 * honstlar Oh, that's just my bag of french fry equipment, the King always gives out some potatoes to eat while we play.

(Gfd dashes next to Honstlar)
 * gfd Count me in!

(Cut to the credits as an obligitory Christmas medley plays.)

"Hypergon Presents"

"In association with the BODH Holding Company"

"A Hooberman's Bakery presentation of..."

"The Great Christmasween Sleigh Race"

"Written by the usual suspects"

"Based on the Homestar Runner world by The Brothers Chaps"

"Executive Producer: A. Chimendez"

"Directed by Broden Anderson"

(Cut to the inside of the castle.) Poopsmith: I'm betting 500.
 * gfd 500? Ha! I've eaten better bets!
 * honstlar He has, I've seen it with my own eyes.
 * gfd I'm callin' to the stars! (Pushes some chips)
 * honstlar Oh, 1,000...

Oh ho ho, not 1000. I'm betting an entire plate of fishsticks and a malnourished rodent! Several gasps! KOT: Fishsticks? Now you've messed with the bull, Easter Egg Head, ALL IN!
 * honstlar A million gasps!!

Is that even legal? Of course it is, this is poker! Blacksmith: I'm staying out of this, fold. The Chef: Ditto. Poopsmith: Ditto. Mewtwo. Bring it on! ALL THE GASPS A MAN CAN GIVE! (The dealer, the Hornblower, turns over the final cards.) Yeah, baby. (reveals his cards.) All except the King of Town: 5 aces?!?! KOT: How is this possible? You forget, Kingo, in this castle, the joker's wild! Money, sweet, money. KOT: You sure know how to gamble, Gooblegobble. (With his mouth full of fishsticks) Thank you! You know, it's moments like this that make poker my 2nd favorite way to make/take money. What's the first? Sleighs. All: Wha? Well, you see, every Christmas, Dockoville holds a Sleigh Race with a cash prize of 1,000 Dolla Points. It was one of my favorite things to do. KOT: Sleigh race? That sounds like a sport that doesn't require any exercise. Let's make a deal, Purple thing. I'm all ears. But you don't have any- Shut up. THE KING OF TOWN: I bet my entire king-being that I can win this contest. If you win, you take over as the King of Town! Okay, but if you win, I gotta be your secondary Poopsmith for a week! KOT: It's a deal! (Cut to the top of the Steep Deep which has had a deck-type situation built on it, where we see the Hornblower doin' his thing.) (Fanfare.) Hornblower: (In a Scottish accent) And now, our gracious host, Lord Announcerm'n! Announcerm'n: Merry Christmas, Happy Decemberween, and welcome to the 1st Annual Christmasween Sleigh Race! Brought to you by Hooberman's Bakery. (Cut to a side shot of the Announcer as he turns his head and a red ribbon with "Hooberman's" appears.) Announcerm'n: Hooberman's: Shove the holidays down your foodhole! (The ribbon twinkles.) Announcerm'n: Joining us for this momentous occasion is Honstlar of Team Broternal... (Cut to a shot of the Pill Sleigh which is filled with all the members of the Order and half of the main cast.) Rock 'n roll! Announcerm'n: ...and the KOT of Team Crown! (Cut to a shot of the Kings sleigh, a very royal looking one, with all the king's men and the rest of the cast.) KOT: HOLINDAZE SAUCE!!! Announcerm'n: The rules are simple, whoever can make it from the Steep Deep all the way to the other side of the Gorge, wins the first prize of one million dollar points! The Show VO: And that's not all Dennis, If Team Crown wins, Team Broternal's leader will have to be a Poopsmith for a week, but if Team Broternal wins, The KOT will have to relinquish his title as king! I am so pumped, I might just pop! For the last time, you are not a dodgeball. Ain't that the truth. {sniff} THE ANNOUNCER: Now-a let's get this trainwreck a rollin'! Ready... and set... and, uh, what else? (The Hornblower hands him a card.) Announcerm'n: Oh yeah, GO! {They take off!} Honst! The King of T is beating us! It must be the weight! He's so fat, he can slide down faster than anyone else! We have to beat this guy! Engage rocket boosters! Uh, yeah, we— we don't have that. Rats. Rodents. Why are you two worried? It's a 500 mile trip from the Steep to the Gorge. But it's the principle of the thing! We need to catch up! But how? Homestar: What's this button do? {A button is pushed and a jet engine comes out of Honstlar's hat.} All: WOAH! {The Order passes by the King.} KOT: THEY HAVE A JET ENGINE?!? That's it, no more Mr. Nice of Town, Poopsmith!! Poopsmith: Sir, yes, sir! KOT: Use the secret weapon. Poopsmith: On it. (He uses his shovel as an oar/whatever those things skiers use.) The Chef: Are you sure this will- KOT: Shut up. Oh jeez! A cliff! {wearing Dangergsgxgzgdrc Johnson glasses for no reason whatsoeveratall} Looks like we're gonna have to juuump! (The sled jumps over the cliff.) Thank Zod that's over. Tunnel! Oh, come on! Here, I can steer it! {grabs the steering wheel} Whoa whoa WHOA, you're turning it too fast! {The sleigh is now riding on the tunnel ceiling} Aaand we're upside down. Great job, Gfd. Wait, let me fix it. (Gfd turns the wheel and the sleigh goes around and around) Woah, woah, woah. This does not look good for the EDITED Video Greg. {his face turns green} (A burp is heard as the sleigh rockets out of the tunnel.) Yahoo! (Cut to the KOT's sleigh.) KOT: We can't let them get away, row faster! Poopsmith: I can't, this is as fast as I can go. KOT: Bull honkey! Let me show you how it's done! (The KOT starts pushing the sleigh.) The Blacksmith: We're not gonna make it, are we? The Cleric: I'm afraid so. (Cut back to the BODH's sleigh.) That was exilerating! Maybe for you. So what's next? (SRMX12 pulls out the map) Let me see, there's Carrot and Kazoo Hill... Piece of cake. ...a mound of snow... A little snow never hurt anybody. ...and an abandoned rollercoaster track. You see, there's nothing to worry about, we'll make it as long as we work as- AN ABANDONED ROLLERCOASTAWHAT?!? {They go over Carrot and Kazoo Hill, hitting Strong Sad} STRONG SAD: Ow! Why does this keep happening? I just wanted to be cool at the cool place! Mound of snow, comin' right up! OhmanohmanrollercoastertrackohmanICAN'THANDLEITOHMAN What are you saying? You're hard to understand you without spaces. That isn't just any abandoned rollercoaster, that's the Second Cousin Of the Beast! The fastest, biggest, and most dangerous rollercoaster ever built! It closed for a reason! And now the snound. Er, mound. Of snow. Mound, snow... snound. It's like... a combination of words. Get it? Nevermind. {They crash into the mound of snow} Next up... Second Cousin. Hold on tight. {They approach it, shaking with wide eyes} Tell my kids I'll miss them. You don't have kids. Aw man, did they go on this roller coaster too? I warned them so many times... Anyways, tell Stom I'll miss him. I'm right here. Oh yeah. I'll miss you. Hey, what about me? Oh yeah, and all you guys. I just needed to think of a random name. Donate all my money to the Strong Bad Preservation Museumological Research Fund. Gfd, I don't think that's a real charity. {Cut to Strong Bad watching} STRONG BAD: Sure it is, man! Every dollar is donated to my bank account! That's a fund, right? {Cut back to the sleigh} What he said! Plus, I'm not sure $5 would do it much good. Oh, that's a laugh. I do not have $5! I have... {gets out some coins and counts} $4.98. {They start going up the roller coaster slowly} You know, maybe this isn't that dangerous. Heck, this may not even be the Second Cousin of The Beast, this could all be just a wacky misunderstanding! (He looks down, noticing that they have gone 5,000 feet above the ground.) Or not. (We see subtitles that read "Oh, crap!") Ay, mierda! (The sleigh speeds down.) {a dollar bill flies out of Gfd's pocket} No! My $4.98! STRONG BAD: No! My $4.98! If this is the first hill, I'd hate to go down the rest. We're going down beneath the clouds! (The sleigh emerges from the cloud, revealing Team Broternal with various Hairstyle Runner-esque cloud styles, including Strong Bad with a large white beard.) Look, it's Santa! Strong Bad: More like, "Look, it's a red fist speeding towards my stupid face!" That's a nice Strong Bad impression you got going- (Honstlar is punched by Strong Bad.) (Muffled) Nevermind. {They reach the bottom of the first hill} {reading a brochure} The next hill is... 330,000 feet high. 330,000 feet?! Isn't that...? Oh no. ALL RIGHT! WE'RE GOING TO SPACE!! (The sleigh speeds off into space) You clearly don't understand, Gfd, we don't have any suits. If we don't make it back to Earth in 30 seconds or less, we're gonna freeze to death. Slightly less exciting. (Cut back to the KOT's sleigh where they have noticeably slowed down.) The Chef: Well, we tried. The Poopsmith: Don't be so negative, I've got a plan. (Cut to the KOT struggling to push the sleigh) The Poopsmith: Oh, your highness... (The Poopsmith pulls out a fishing pole with a packet of Schezuan Sauce attached to the end.) KOT: Sauce? (The sleigh is then pushed faster than a speeding bullet.) KOT: SAAAAUUUUUCCEEEEEE!!!!!! (We cut back to the BODH, who have made it back alive.) Well, that was quick. Wait Poopsmith broke his vow of solence Yeah, he just gave up the vow after the King heard the message he gave to Marzipan on the phone a while back. Oh yeah. Yet he didn't give up shoveling crap. Yes, and now that we go that out of the way, what's next? We are approaching a giant boulder. TURN BACK!! Why don't we just go around it. Oh, right. (They do that.) Well, that was a thing that happened. Next up? {holding a map} The map doesn't show any obstacles. We're in the clear! Well all right! This should be a piece of dessert. {The sleigh stops abruptly} What the—? What happened? Why aren't we moving? Looks like the snow isn't slippery anymore! Well, that's just fantabulous. Now we'll have to— {The sleigh starts sinking} BWARGH! Quicksnow! Quicksnow!! It's fine, everyone. All we have to do is get out of the sleigh, and we'll be outta here in no time. {Some clicking sounds are heard} The seatbelts are jammed! Wait, this thing has seatbelts? It does now. And they're jammed!! {The King of Town speeds by them} Well, this is going from perfect to... slightly less perfect. We're doomed! (Gfd falls face first into the quicksnow.) Mmm, citrus. (Gfd starts eating the quicksnow, slowly freeing the sleigh.) We're saved! So, are there any more obstacles? Are we at the end? Not even close, we still got 497 miles left. Why must this be so long! Because if it wasn't, this cartoon would be too short. So, the next obstacle is...? An underground tunnel. {The sleigh suddenly falls through the snow, into an icy cavern onto a track made of ice} Whoa! This place looks cool! And echoey! And slippery. {The sleigh nearly slides off the tracks} OH MAN! This is gonna be a painful ride. (The cavern starts rumbling) See, I told ya. AVALANCHE!! So, we're underground. In an avalanche. On a narrow track. A slippery one. With no railings. Made of thin, cracking, melting ice. And a several-mile pit beneath us. There is no way we're going to survive this. {Snow starts following behind them} Oh, I know a way... (Cut back to the KOT's sleigh.) KOT: Sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce. {The King of Town's sleigh falls into the ice cavern. As they pass the BODH's sleigh, Honstlar snatches the fishing pole with sauce, and holds it in front of him. The King of Town starts pushing the BODH's sleigh instead.} THE KING OF TOWN: SAUCESAUCESAUCESAUCESAUCESAUCE! {Cut back to The King of Town's sleigh, without The King of Town in it, not moving} THE POOPSMITH: Aw whatsit. {The ice cracks and they fall down the pit into the freezing water below} It's working! Ironic. He could save other sleighs from falling into the water, but not his own. All hail the power of sauce! {Cut back to the freezing water below, where The King of Town's sleigh floats up and starts speeding off} THE POOPSMITH: I always knew it would be worth the $500 to upgrade this sleigh to a motorboat. THE CLERIC: Ah, but the helmets are still ahead of us! And our king has betrayed us. He'll do anything to get his hands on that sauce! THE POOPSMITH: Don't worry about it. They won't stay up there for long. Plus, I've got a secret weapon! {Cut back to Team Broternal} Do you smell something burning? {A trail of fire appears behind The King of Town} Oh no! He's going too fast! He's gonna melt the ice! Wow. Our very own, morbidly obese King of Town, going too fast. Who'da thunk it? {The sleigh falls into the water, next to The King of Town's sleigh-boat, then rises up again, going the same speed as the other sleigh} Kingy's going so fast, he can run on water! Water race!! This'll be exciting. Hey, Kingy, you know what you put on fish? Tartar sauce. KOT: MORE SAUCE!!! {The King of Town starts pushing the sled even faster} THAT LITTLE CHEF GUY: They're going faster than us! THE POOPSMITH: Have you forgotten my... secret weapon? {pulls a small flat circle from hammerspace and throws it} {Cut back to Team Broternal. An Anti-Sauce Joke Patch hits The King of Town in the back.} KOT: SAUCESAUCESAU- (The sleigh stops moving.) This is not good. (The sleigh sinks as Team Crown's sleigh passes by and picks up the KOT.) {Cut to the BODH's sleigh as they drown} We need to swim to the surface! Too bad the seatbelts are still jammed. Oh, right... you guys, I forgot to mention a secret about this sleigh. {presses a button} (The sleigh turns into a submarine.) This sleigh is also a shameless deus ex machina. (The sleigh returns to the surface and turns back into a sleigh.) Now let's go win us a race! (Honstlar's jet engine activates, rocketing Team Broternal past the KOT's sleigh and towards a steep hill with a ramp at the end, causing the sleigh to fly closer to the finish line.) We're gonna make it! (Cut to the KOT's sleigh where the King is visibly exhausted.) The Poopsmith: They're gonna cross the finish line, stop them. KOT: No, I'm too hungry. The Cleric: Maybe some fiber will help you. The Chef: Or iron. The Blacksmith: Or a tree- Wait, don't! (The King has already eaten the sleigh.) The Poopsmith: Well, it was a good run. THE CLERIC: If only we weren't so far from... {Zoom out, revealing the finish line is right in front of them. The BODH lands beside them.} THE CLERIC: Nevermind. (Team Broternal crosses the line) The Hornblower: We have a winner! THE KING OF TOWN: Doo. Well, Kingy, how 'bout that bet? {Cut to the BODH crammed onto the King of Town's throne} Uh, guys, why are you on my throne? Because it's comfy. You do know there are other thrones in this room, don't you? (Cut to said thrones which are customized to fit each member.) Oh. What law should we pass first? We have the entirety of Free Country under our fingertips! First law: This is the new status quo. Excellent thinking, Gregory. Second law: Declare war against Grindolo's forces. War strengthens the economy! And also makes kings reference Sam and Max. Third law: EVERY SATURDAY IN SUMMER IS FREE PIZZA DAY! All: Hooray! What about you, Archduke King of Town? KOT: Bring back purple ketchup. Got it! Blast some tomatoes with GMOs until they go purple. The Poopsmith: Yes, sir. Ah, it's good to be the king The Cleric: Your Highnesses, it's time for the end of toon song followed by holiday greeting. Oh right, I forgot this was a holiday special. {Cut to the BODH, the main characters, and the King's Men on the stage as a Christmas tune plays} {clears throat; singing out-of-key} Jingle sleigh, jingle sleigh, jingle it all right, Oh what times... when you can rhymes... with a jingle sleigh tonight! ARGH. STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY. This is how you do it. Hit it! (Jingle Bells starts playing.) (Singing) Jingle Crown, Jingle Crown, I'll wear you every day, and to think I got it from beating the old king with a sleigh, Hey! Jingle Crown, Jingle Crown, royalty's really neat, and it looks really good, good enough to eat! We rocketed to space and crashed into some snow. We found an abandoned rollercoaster, that part kinda blowed. The Kingy ate his sleigh. We passed the finish line. We used a bag of Szechuan Sauce, and had a great ol' time! Hey! Jingle Crown, Jingle Crown, you make me want to say, "When I wear you, life gets just a little bit more okay." Hey! (Cut to Grindolo boarded up in his tub like in Christmas What?) Jingle Crown, Jingle Crown, I wasn't in this cartoon. (Cut back to the BODH.) The BODH would like to say...       Merry Christmasween to you!!!! (Cut to Santam'n flying his sleigh through the skies as usual) Santa: And a happy new year too! Ho, ho, ho! END. (A cursor clicks on the period.) THE KING OF TOWN: Sorry, helmet boys, but I'm afraid I have to revoke your crown. What?! No! You can't do this to us! Why?! THE KING OF TOWN: You need to get things back to normal for the next cartoon, remember? Ohhh, continuity. Right, right. THE KING OF TOWN: Now gimme the crown. END. THE KING OF TOWN: Sorry, helmet boys, but I'm afraid I have to revoke your crown. What?! No! You can't do this to us! Why?! THE KING OF TOWN: You need to get things back to normal for the next cartoon, remember? Ohhh, continuity. Right, right. THE KING OF TOWN: Now gimme the crown. END.