Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/Star Hats

{Open on a typical meeting of the BODH} And that's how socks took over all of Totalslava. How extremely fascinating! I loved that part about mayonnaise. Gfd, have you written any history books lately? Nope! Nope. Uh, no. Never. No. So, who wants to play Clapping Party? Yaaay! {An evil laugh is heard} That was creepy. Did any of you guys hear that? Yeah, it sounded like— {Record scratch} Just cut the creepy crap and just get over here, Grindolo. {echoey voiceover} Ugh, fine. {he appears} So... Grindolo... we meet again. Yeah. Yeah, we do. {Long pause} This is kind of awkward. So what's your evil plan to kill us this week? Oh, I'm not killing you. That's a relief. I'm changing your history forever! What?! Yes! I've learned a spell that will send your ancestors into space, altering the course of history. At last I will get revenge! Wait, but our ancestors are dead. I mean in the past. I'm sending your ancestors into space in the past. So you'll never have even existed! How do you know that? Maybe our ancestors will land on a planet with air, or survive in space somehow. Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we? Mlifsacul llimah senoj! {The screen flashes white and fades to black, revealing text} TEXT: Many a thyme ago, miles from the nearest Blubb-O's... {Music starts playing, as big yellow letters reading "STAR HATS" appear and shrink into the distance. An opening crawl begins, reading:}

EPISODE IV A NEW STYLE

It is a period of, like, a whole lotta cool space fights and whatnot. Rebel spaceships, striking from somewhere over there, just won some sort of    chess tournament against the bad guys. During the tournament, some guy snatched some plans for some weapon thing. It's a star that causes death, so naturally, it was called the DEATH POM. It's totally the worst. It blows up planets and stuff. Pursued by the bad guys, Princess E goes somewhere else with the plans to save the galaxy....

{Pan down to the desert planet of Tattooink. A small spaceship flies into the distance, shooting lasers backward. A large spaceship flies behind it, shooting forward. Cut to inside the spaceship, where S-RMX and R2Dean2 are running through the halls. S-RMX is like SRMX12, but robotic and gold. R2Dean2 is a small cylindrical robot, with Dean's metallic, robotic hairstyle. An explosion shakes the ship.} Did you hear that? {Dean's regular voice} Bippity beep bop. Yeah, me neither. I'm just so happy to finally be an android! Er... just droid, I mean. Look how shiny and gold-coated I am! This is awesome! Beeple blop bloop. An explosion? I didn't even notice. We gotta get out of here! This is madness! Bleepity. No, I'm pretty sure it's madness. {The Tappatroopers come into the ship with Darth Pretender. The good guys and the bad guys shoot at each other.} Nice try, chumps. You'll never get away with the plans this time! Rebel #47: This time? That whole Moulin Rouge One thing was our first attempt. Period. Nice try, chump. I'm not believing that for a second. Rebel #47: I meant it! (A Tappatrooper shoots the rebel) Rebel #47: {Wilhelm scream.} Rebel #92: Admiral Wilhelm, NOOOOOO!!! {Darth Pretender starts choking a rebel} TAPPATROOPER: Darth Pretender. We could not find the plans. Aw man, seriously? {to the rebel} Where are the plans, man? REBEL #61: Rrrgh... we don't... have them. We're just going to... buy some space pizzas... Space pizzas? Then why are you wearing rebel uniforms and shooting at us? REBEL #61: Umm... we... really like pizzas... {throws the rebel} Tappatroopers, look everywhere for those plans! {Cut back to S-RMX and R2-Dean2} {R2-Dean2 leaves} R2-Dean2, where are you going? Get back here this instant! {Cut to Princess E, placing something inside R2-Dean2} Oh great, and now Queen Earmuffhead is giving her a virus. {R2-Dean2 goes away, into an escape pod} It's worse than I feared! That crazy lady is making her disobey orders! Bloop. A-bippity beep. Secret mission? That's ridiculous. We're not allowed in there! BLEEP BLOOP. Fine. I'll come. I suppose it's better than being destroyed... {gets into the escape pod} {Cut to the pod landing on Tattooink} Ow. (The pod opens, revealing the droids.) Of course we had to land on the sand planet. Bloop blop blippity bop? I hate when sand gets in my circuits, it gives me the jibblies. Bloop blop boop boop bop? The sand. Blah blop bloop bloop. That way? There's nothing over there. Let's go this way. Boooop. No. Beep. Fine. Bop. {They both walk away in opposite directions} {Cut to S-RMX in the middle of nowhere} You know, maybe I should've joined Dean2. Hey, there's a truck or a tractor or something! I've been saved! {walks toward the Unguraitmobile} Hello? (Knocks) Shiny, gold droid knock-knock-knocking on your door. {The door opens, revealing Unguraits in brown robes} Aw man, it's Unjawaits. {The Unjawaits shock S-RMX with electricity, and he wakes up in the middle of the Unjawaitmobile} {offscreen} Blappity blop blop. Lemme guess, giant brown vehicle? Bloopy bop bippity. {Cut to Honstlar on Tattooink, with blond hair and a white robe} {offscreen} Honst! Honst! {runs over to Marzipan} Yeah, Aunt Marzu? Go with your Uncle 'Omestar to find a new droid. {Cut to raggedy Homestar with gray hair and a robe, looking at robots including S-RMX and R2-Dean2 in front of the Unjawaitmobile. Honst runs up.} Do you gots one that can scramble eggs? (The Unjawaits make noises.) Homestar: You do... but I shouldn’t because somehow you have a vision that gold-plated me and Rosie the maid are plot-important somehow? They must be some pretty keen blatant failed kid appeal characters. (R2Dean2 comes up to the Unjawaits.) Dean: Bleep blippity BOOP. (The Unjawaits make more noises.) So, uh, we'll take the gold one... Freedom! And, uh... hm. Who else? We'll also take that red one there. VECTOR STRONG BAD: HELLOTE Hellote to you too! Come along home now, new robots. {They walk away, leaving Dean2 behind} VECTOR STRONG BAD: YOUR DROID A SPLODE Pardon? {The red droid explodes} Aw man. Guess we'll need a new one. Might I suggest the blue one? (R2Dean2 suddenly appears) Beeeeee bap bap bap bap babo. ...you? You'll do. But how'd you ever escape the Unjawaits? Beep beep bop beep boop beep bap. Feigned speaking their language until time was up. Wow. You must have said something real convincing. Beep bap boobity bop. (begins playing video: which is a family of Unjawaits in their home in a sitcom like setting) Unjawait 1: (makes noises) Unjawait 2: (more noises) Unjawait 1: (noises again) (hideously loud laugh track) {Cut to Honst cleaning the droids in the garage.} Hey guys. What're your names? I am S-RMX, and this is my counterpart, R2-Dean2. Bippity beep bop. I'm Honst Landwaddler. Nice to meet you. {Long pause. Honst continues cleaning the droids.} Man, this is boring. Hey Dean2, got any cat videos on your hard drive? Bip. No? Uh, video games? Anything remotely interesting? Bleepy-doo. {R2-Dean2 plays a hologram of Princess E} Oh no, it's the crazy lady with the cinnamon rolls in her hair. She put a virus in Dean2. Beep beep boop beep! She didn't? Oh, nevermind. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Stom Kenobi. You're my only hope. Obi-Stom Kenobi? I don't know anyone with that name. I wonder if he's related to Obese Tom Kenobi... Who's Obese Tom? He's a competitive eater from Batuu. Do you really think he's related to this Obi-Stom character? Of course! But he could always be related to Ol' Ben, the freaky space wizard. (Pause.) There are several people I know named Kenobi. Well, let's find Ol' Ben! Or Obese Tom. Or whatever his name is. {Cut to Honst, S-RMX, and R2-Dean2 walking across the deserts of Tattooink} He should be over there. Did you hear that? It sounded like... The Sandsmiths. Blip blap blop bloop. No, Dean2, The Sandsmiths does not sound like a band name. Yeah, I hear it too... Better take a quick look. (Pulls out his macrobinoculars) Boop bop bleep? She asked what that thing you're holding is. It's a pair of macrobinoculars I'm borrowing from my friend Biggs. ...Biggsgonzola Supreme. That's his full name. Do you see anything? Nopey-doo. I guess it was just our imagination. {Cut to a shot out of the binoculars. A Sandsmith rises into view.} Dah! Why do I always get jumpscared by these things?! PS undefined AAAEEEERGGGH, AERGH AIGH EEGH!! Suddenly I wish The Poopsmith would go back to his vow of silence. Wait, what? Oh, nothing. That phrase just popped into my head for no reason. Beedle-deedle-dee. My counterpart suggests getting outta here. I agree with her. Let's scramoose! And fast! {They run away} PS undefined PS undefined PS undefined AEGH ARGH UGH! {chase after Honst and the droids} {offscreen} WAFFLES!! {A hurricane of waffles comes toward the Sandsmiths, knocking them away} Wow! Who did that? {Stom comes forth, with a robe, white hair, and a beard} Just me. Oh, hey, Obese Tom. I mean, Ben. Some lady with weird hair asked for the help of some guy named Obi-Stom Kenobi. You know him? {high-pitched voice} Oh! You seek Obi-Stom! Yes, take you to him, I will! {chuckles} But first, eat food, we must! Hmm? {leans over and whispers to Obi-Stom} Psst... wrong "it's me" scene. {whispering} Sorry. I get these movies mixed up sometimes. What are you talking about? Oh, nothing. Obi-Stom is me. WHAAAT?! Yeah. And Darth Pretender is your father. WHAAAT?! Yeppers. And Princess E is your sister. WHAAAT?! Yuppy-doo. And Darth Pretender built your gold droid. WHAAAT?! Yessiree. And Darth Pretender owned your other droid. WHAAAT?! Without a doubt. And Darth Pretender was my apprentice. WHAAAT?! Totals. And, uh... what else? {whispering} Excuse me, Obi-Stom... I don't think you're supposed to tell him those things yet. I'm not? Oh man. Uh... hey, Honst, just ignore that. I was making stuff up. I'm a crazy old man. Oh, of course. Nevermind, then. What were you saying? I'm Obi-Stom. I haven't gone by that name in a really long time, though. Back when I trained your father, Emanakin Landwaddler, in the Duplicate Wars. You guys fought in the Duplicate Wars? Yep. I can use the Forth— What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you. I think you have a lisp. Were you saying "Force"? No. You didn't let me finish. I can use the Fourth Wall. The Fourth Wall? Yes. It's the only thing seperating us from other dimensions. The Fourth Wall binds the universe together, and without that barrier between dimensions, we may not even exist. We can harness its power to do cool things, like make stuff float. It's awesome. Sweet. So hey, how did my father die? Whoa, this conversation took a dark turn. Well, come young scholar. I’ll tell you. Wait I thought you said you didn’t know anything and can’t be trusted? Ah screw it! We’ve got nothing to lose. You see, in 1977- Boring. Let's just go back. {The scene rewinds slightly} Darth Pretender killed your father. There we go. Yep. I'd tell you the whole story, but... well, it's a long story. Like an-entire-trilogy-of-movies long. Although really it could just be shortened to one movie, but hey, somebody's gotta make that money. I have no idea what you're talking about. Sorry. Anyway, I trained both your father and Darth Pretender. Then Darth Pretender became a bad guy and betrayed your father, and the rest of the Haddi. Haddi? What's that? A Haddi is a person who can use the Fourth Wall. They're named after Haddi-Man, the most powerful Haddi of all. And speaking of which... Emanakin wanted you to have this. {hands Honst a bright stick} This was his brightsaver. A weapon of the Haddi. (Honst starts spinning the stick) Look at me, I'm a helicopter! Ha ha! A brightsaver used as a helicopter? Don't be ridiculous. Only TV shows would do something like that. Anyway, show me that message. Blibbity blibbity beep beep. (The hologram begins.) Is this thing on? All right. Uh... oh man, I should've rehearsed this. I forgot what I was going to say. Gimme a second. {The hologram shuts off, and goes back on a few seconds later} Hey, Kenobi. I'm Princess E. Remember that time you helped my dad in the Duplicate Wars? Er, that was you, right? Yeah, well, now we need help again. My ship is being attacked by the bad guys. I've placed some viruses— I mean, important information into R2-Dean2 here. I think my dad knows how to get that information out, so you gotta get the robot to my planet, Allthetime. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Stom Kenobi. You're my only hope. {The hologram shuts off} That sounds cool. Hey, Honst, I'm headin' to Allthetime. Wanna come with? No, thanks. I promised Uncle 'Omestar and Aunt Marzeru I'd pick up some energy formatters. Naw, it's cool, they've been burninated. You don't have to do that. WHAT?! No, yeah. Your house was burned down by the Tappatroopers. They're just ashes and scorched bones now. How do you know? The Fourth Wall, remember? I know all the stuff that's happening. I don't believe you anyway. I'm going home. {leaves} {Honst gets to his house, where he finds his aunt and uncle's burnt skeletons} Ew. {goes to Stom} Yeah, you're right. So... wanna come with me? Allthetime is a pretty peaceful and nice planet. Sure, whatever. Cool, cool. We're gonna need a ship though. Where are we going to find a spacecraft at this hour? I may have an idea... (Cut to the Mos Eisley spaceport.) Mos Eisley. Home to the most eisliest of smugglers, jugglers, and hugglers. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum, villainy, and crappy phone reception. Bippy blop blappy bloop. No, Dean2, it does not sound awesome. It's very dangerous. Blippity. Don't you "whatever" me! Well, guess we'd better go inside. {They start walking in} TAPPATROOPER: Wait. Let me see your identification. You don't need to see my identification. Tappatrooper: Yes, I do. No, you don't. My face is recognizable enough to the point where an ID would just weigh me down. Tappatrooper: Well, I still need your ID. Well, umm..... HEY LOOK, STEVEN SPIELBERG! (The Tappatrooper looks to his left.) Tappatrooper: Where? {Honst, Obi-Stom, and the droids start running away} So long, suckers! TAPPATROOPER: Ahj— b—! Wh—?! Hey, you can't do that! TAPPATROOPER 2: Are those the droids we're looking for? {Silence} TAPPATROOPER 1: I don't think he can hear you. TAPPATROOPER 2: Aw man. But... were those the droids? TAPPATROOPER 1: Nah, I doubt it. TAPPATROOPER 2: Cool. {Pause} TAPPATROOPER 2: Think we'll get fired for this? TAPPATROOPER 1: Yep. TAPPATROOPER 2: Wanna flee the planet? TAPPATROOPER 1: Absototalutely. {Cut to Mos Eisley Cantina. The gang walks inside.} Barkeep: HEY, TIN CAN! Yeah? Bloop? Barkeep: We don't serve people who've implanted doorknobs on their coccyx. Why would you mention that? Barkeep: Because I like screwin' with people. Oh. {Cut to Gfd and Dooble. Gfd has a vest and hair, and Dooble is covered in brown fur. A green Mr. Dando walks up to them.} {gibberish} You know, pal, I can't understand any of that. You speak Basic? {gibberish} Jeez, Grando, chill down. I'm not bilingual. What language is that, anyway? {gibberish} This is getting really annoying. I'm just gonna shoot you now. {shoots Grando} Raaawr. No, of course I shot first. You saw that, didn't you? Grawwrr. "The video recording says otherwise"? What does that even mean? Argle blargle. {pulls out a camera and shows the scene} No, that was clearly edited! See how they Photoshopped my head moving out of the way there? And that laser bolt must've been added in post. Grarg. Canon? No, it's not. I shot first, fair and square. Raaaaaaaaawr. Agree to disagree, I guess. {throws the barkeep a meatball} Sorry about the mess. {Honst, Obi-Stom, and the droids sit where Grando once was.} You must be Garb Solo. Yup! And this is my partner, Doobacca. Haloche! You can talk?! Defiantly! {Garb looks at the camera} Must be the hair. We heard you have a really good ship. You must be talking of the Pillenium Falcon, the ship that completed a White Kessel slider run in less than G parsecs. The very same. A man of good taste, I see. What's your price? Oh, I was thinking something around 4 to 5 zillion cheeseburgers, or perhaps a few lifetimes' worth of virtual meatloaf. Gasp and more gasp! That's prepostorous! We could buy our own ship for that much virtual meatloaf! Nah, don't worry about it. I've got enough. Being a Haddi gets you a great salary. Of virtual meatloaf? Precisely. {hands Garb a flash drive} 50 GB worth of meatloaf, right there. You got yourselves a ship. Come on, Dooby. Absolute! {They get up and walk out} Is "virtual meatloaf" going to be the new sentient donut glaze? {taking a bite out of the flash drive} I sure hope not! {They get to the Pillenium Falcon, a spaceship resembling the Pillmobile} What a bunch of medication! She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. And by that I mean, it's got 43 years' supply of petrified cheeseballs. Well, I suppose we'd best get to Allthetime. {Cut to Princess E on board the Death Pom, with Darth Pretender and Strong Moff Badkin} SB undefined Oh, well if it isn't Princess Earmuff. You wanna tell us where the rebel base is? I mean, that would really help us out. I would never. SB undefined You serious? 'Cause we're gonna blow up Allthetime if you don't tell us. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be all fiery and dooj, splooj, chunks of planet floating through space amidst exploding rubble and ash. Oh man, I totally wanna see that. So you'd better fess up, E. You can blow up planets? SB undefined Oh, yeah. That's, like, the whole thing about the Death Pom, man! So tell us where that base is, and your planet stays as one planet instead of millions. Whoa, imagine if the explosion actually burst the planet into a bunch of mini-planets? Like bacteria splitting up in one of those germ dishes? I'm not sure if that would make it more or less cool. Probably more cool. Is there a time limit? Like, if I don't tell you where the base is, when will you explode Allthetime? SB undefined 'M not sure, actually. I didn't really think this through. Maybe a minute? Two minutes, at most. Wait, anybody? Hey Jeffrey, you got one of those little egg timers? TAPPATROOPER: I'm not Jeffrey, and yes, I do. SB undefined That's great, Jeffrey. Can you set it to, like, a minute? No, a minute and a half. And when it goes off, explode this planet over here. TAPPATROOPER: {click} All right. Counting down. I'm not telling you anything. SB undefined You sure about that, princess? 'Cause you have... wait Jeffrey, how much time is left? TAPPATROOPER: A minute and nineteen seconds. SB undefined A minute and nineteen seconds. So you'd— TAPPATROOPER: Wait, now thirteen. SB undefined Just shut up about the minutes already! Geez, Jeffrey never shuts his robo-mouth. Always with the seconds. SB undefined Seriously, where's the rebel base? I'm still not telling you. SB undefined Ugh! You know what, this is taking forever! Jeffrey, Set it to like 20 seconds! TAPPATROOPER: Set to 20 seconds. SB undefined I'll ask you one more time before I splo your planet up, WHERE THE CRAP IS YOUR REBEL BASE!?!? Dantooink. SB undefined Yeah, that's not a planet. You just took Tattooink, and put "Dan" in there. TAPPATROOPER: No, actually, that is a planet. SB undefined What kind of stupid name is that? Yeah, I'm just gonna blow it up anyways. What?! {Tappatroopers do the setup stuff} {Vector squares shoot out of the Death Pom, blowing up Allthetime} DEATH POM: YOUR PLANET ASPLODE Aww man. I liked that planet. {Cut to Honst, Obi-Stom, Garb, Doobie, and the droids on the Pillenium Falcon} I sense a disturbance in the Fourth Wall. As if millions of voices, all from Matt Chapman, cried out and were suddenly asploded. Hey, where did Allthetime go? Maybe this is where are all the asploded voices are from. Someone blew up the whole planet. That's not so good. An entire planet?! How is that even possible? Wait... I think I remember reading something about that somewhere. Where did you read it? Let's see... {picks up a remote and rewinds to the opening crawl} It's a star that causes death, so naturally, it was called the DEATH POM. It's totally the worst. It blows up planets and stuff. {Fast forward back to the scene} The Death Pom?! That must've been what princess lady was talking about in the hologram! {They start approaching the Death Pom} We're headed for that small moon! That's no moon! It's a space station! Too big for a stace spation. It must be the Death Pom. {The Old-Timey Moon's face appears on the Death Pom} No wait, nevermind. Definitely a moon. {The Moon opens his mouth and starts inhaling the ship} It's sucking us in! That's not something a moon does! This is the Death Pom! My feeling about this can be consisely summed up as... bad. {The ship is swallowed and the moon face disappears} {Many Tappatroopers and a robot Cloitsterizer go down a hallway. They arrive in the docking bay. Darth Pretender is there.} TAPPATROOPER: {Informing Darth Pretender} We checked, and there's no one on board. Are you sure? TAPPATROOPER: Yes. We didn't see anybody. I don't believe you. Get some people to scan it. I know someone is on that ship, I can sense a presence I haven't felt since... TAPPATROOPER: Since what? Why should you know? {Runs off} {Cut to the interior of the Pillenium Falcon. Some Tappatroopers walk by. Everyone rises out of the floor panels.} I use these secret compartments for smuggling cheeses and occasionally baked goods across the universe. Never thought I'd be one of those cheeses and baked goods. TAPPATROOPER: Who said that? Oh, I did. {shoots the troopers} Great job, Garb! This part of the plan involved dressing up as Tappatroopers and going around the Death Pom in disguise, but... they don't really have uniforms. They're just weird robots. I have some arts-and-crafts supplies down here! I can make us some 'stumes! {Cut to the exterior. They walk out, wearing terrible paper Tappatrooper costumes. Doobacca is in handcuffs.} Greetings, fellow Tappatrooper. Sure is great to be doing whatever evil stuff we usually do! Because I, too, am a Tappatrooper. TAPPATROOPER: Yes, I can see that. {Cut to a control deck} TAPPATROOPER: TT-278, why are you not at your post? TT-278, do you copy? {Looks out a window, and sees Garb. He accidentally drops part of the costume.} Take over, TT-278 needs repairs. {The door opens} I don't like your spice! {Doobacca attacks the Tappatrooper. Garb shoots the other one. Honst runs in and shuts the door.} Now, which cell is this princess in? Ah, 2187! I bet that's not a number that will coincidentally end up having any significance thirty years later. That's oddly specific. {turns on communication} Hi! Everything's fine, in case you were wondering. No, I'm not just a guy in a Tappatrooper costume. That should be obvious. INTERCOM VOICE: What happened? Oh, just a weapons malfunction. Some weird gorilla-dog-man-thing just, like, shot some troopers. INTERCOM VOICE: That sounds awful. We're sending reinforcements. REINFORCEMENTS: {shows up} Hey guys. {shoots Reinforcements} No, no, no, it's fine. The creature is under control. INTERCOM VOICE: What about the Tappatroopers? They, uh, they came back to life, so it's fine. INTERCOM VOICE: We have a zombie infestation? We're going to need a lot of reinforcements! MULTIPLE REINFORCEMENTS: {shows up} Hey guys. {shoots all the Reinforcements} No, they— they're friendly zombies. Like, they don't eat brains. Just salads. INTERCOM VOICE: Well, in that case, we'll need reinforcements to give them salad. No, it's fine. We have enough salad right here. INTERCOM VOICE: Hold on... this thing says all the reinforcements I sent are dead. What happened? Oh, uh, they had salad, and the zombies took it. INTERCOM VOICE: These salad zombies sound dangerous. We'll need a whole army of reinforcements. No, no, no, no! No. Like, no. No! No— wait, yeah, no. Yes. I mean, no. Just salad. Just send the salad. {thinks} On second thought, they like cheeseburgers now. Send as many cheeseburgers as possible. Extra bacon, two slices of cement, some oxygen, and a live cockroach on the side. INTERCOM VOICE: Oh. How do you know they like these burgers? Oh, I've been talking to them. They're pretty nice. They like, uh, knitting. And listening to music. INTERCOM VOICE: What kind of music? Oh, y'know. Jazz. Whatnot. They have good tastes. Garb! What are you doing?! We need to get the princess! INTERCOM VOICE: Who was that voice? I'm starting to suspect you're not a Tappatrooper after all. {hangs up} Oh no. We're going to get reinforcements. {A whole army of Reinforcements shows up} ALL REINFORCEMENTS: HEY GUYS. Why are there so many of one guy?! THIS ISN'T LOGICAL!! Calm down, Goldm'n, you don't wanna blow a... CPU or whatever it is that blows. {Cut to Princess E's cell. Honst walks in.} Aren't you a bit midget-like for a Tappatrooper? What? Oh, the unif— And you have way too many tapes and staples about you. No, no, it's just a disg— And your voice is, like, super annoying. All right, that's enou— And you smell bad. STOP! {takes off the costume} I'm Honst Landwaddler. I'm here to rescue you. Obese Tom sent me. I mean, Ben Kenobi. Ben Kenobi? You mean Obi-Stom? Er, yeah, him. Well, let's go! (We cut to a meeting that Darth Pretender has organized with Strong Moff Badkin) {Cut to Darth Pretender and Strong Moff Badkin} SB undefined Hey, Pretends! How's it been, man? He is here. SB undefined Well, yeah, I am. That seemed pretty obvious. No... he is here... SB undefined Who? Is it the vending machine guy? Great, the troopers have been starving! ...It is a presence I have not felt since the prequel films... SB undefined Oh, well then it can't be the vending machine guy. He came here last month. I give up. Obi-Stom Kenobi. SB undefined What? Nah. You're getting pretty old. You must be... Fourth-ing things. That doesn't sound right. Sensing things? Yeah, you're just sensing things. With the Fourth. Don't underestimate the Fourth Wall. SB undefined But wasn't he killed during Broternal Order 66 with the rest of the Haddi? Apparently not. INTERCOM VOICE: Uh, Pretender? The princess is escaping. Stop her! I'll face Obi-Stom. {Cut back to the good guys being shot at by Reinforcementses} Hey, what's that chute down there? It's our escape! {They slide down the chute in slow motion} SB undefined {voiceover; singing} Garbage disposal, what a way to go! Garbage disposal, meet Honst Landwaddler and Garb Solo and Doobacca and R2-Dean2 and S-RMX and Princess E and Obi-Stom and whatever, I can't remember all the characters. Whee! {Cut to the inside of the trash chute.} What an incredible smell you've discovered! No need to be sarcastic. We're still alive, aren't we? That wasn't sarcastic. It's delicious. You're more disgusting than the garbage. Yeah, shut up. {A growl is heard.} Uh oh. There's something alive in here. Mmm. Sounds good. Shut up already! {The worm thing eats Honst.} AHHH! NO! That thing just ate Honst!! Well, I can't blame it. You ever tried Tattooinkian? For the last time, SHUT UP! {The walls start closing in.} I have a less than optimal feeling about this. Blap blap bleep blorp. How do we get out of here? I don't know. I think in the original movie, you guys hack the walls from the outside. But... you guys are in here, so that's out. {A lightbulb goes off above Garb's head.} Stand aside! {Cut to a screen reading "1 second later...". Cut back to the trash chute, except the garbage and walls are gone.} Tastes like barbecue chicken. SHUT UP!! {simultaneously} Beep beep! Wait. Where's Honst? Right. Forgot about him. {spits out Honst} I never wish to experience that again. Then I guess you won't like the Tauntaun. The what? Nevermind, let's just get outta here. {Obi-Stom runs off in a different direction} Where are you going? I'm supposed to be shutting the tractor beam off right now. Just use the Fourth. That's not how the Fourth works! How do you know if you haven't tried it? You've got a point. {uses the Fourth} Hey, I did it! Well, I'm heading back to the Pillenium Falcon. {He runs along and bumps into Darth Pretender.} Oops. Pardon me. I'm just getting to my ship. {looks up} Oh, it's you. I've been waiting for you, Obi-Stom. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. It's been many a year since we've last encountered each other. I have grown more powerful than you could ever know. And now I will destroy you. Thank you for coming to me. You are no match for my wrath. I have exceeded your teachings. I should be teaching you now, for I am superior. It's too bad we shall never meet again. I've been waiting for this moment for— I get it, Darth, I get it. Don't need to rub it in. How many intimidating one-liners can you string together? My record is two hundred and eight. Well, let's get this over with. {They poke their brightsavers at each other.} This is more anticlimacted than I anticipated. Well, we're both practically senior citizens. You're way older than I am. I don't even have back problems. At least I still have limbs. Say, where'd you get those, anyway? These limbs? The Emperor gave me these as part of my suit. I control 'em with my mind. Isn't that neat? It sure is! Almost makes me want to leave myself for dead while on fire with no limbs. Then that is what I shall do to you. {raises his brightstick} You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly— {Darth Pretender strikes down Obi-Stom.} Ouch. {disappears} Aw crap. {They get in the Pillenium Falcon and fly off.} Blipple blap. Bleebity doo. What's that droid got that's so important? The technical readouts of this battle station. We can use it to find a weakness. As long as I get paid for all this. I'm not in it for your revelation— Revolution. What? The line is "revolution". Well, disregardless— "Regardless". Regardless, I'm in it for the money. If money is all you love, then that's what you'll recieve. Hey, great! How much? Like a jillion credits? A few GB of virtual meatloaf? Corn on the cob? Where are you flying us anyway? That's a good question. Where am I flying you guys? Yeahvin-4. It's between Yesvin-4, Novin-4, and Probablynotvin-4. What's with all the 4s? It sounds neat. Can't argue with that. {They land on a jungle planet.} Hey, this is Affirmativevin-4. Oops. {They land on another jungle planet.} There we go. {Cut to the rebel base. Senor Cardgage shows the Death Pom plans on a screen.} Oh... considerations, many Lorettas. Here we have plants for our Death Prom. It looks to be here all week in the outer fence. A weakness in the outer defense? The fence is for a large scale salt, Melindabeth. A three-to-one marny should crease the shields. A one-man fighter, eh? We must shimmy down the tranche. Use proton potatoes to target the exact fort. Proton torpedoes to target the exhaust port? It'll be fine dinings for our— Only two meters wide? That'll be easy. I used to space-bull's-eye womp possums in my T-seven-thousand-two-hundred-fifty-six-A-B-C-1-2-3 back on my home system in quadrant G5F3184D, from a distance of at least 3.14159265358 parcecs away. Maybe the Fourth relatively nearby. {Everyone leaves.} {Cut to the rebels as they prepare for the assault.} Hey, Han Garbo or whatever your name is. You coming alon'? I think you used the apostrophe on the wrong word. Hey, shut it up, you. I can use apostroph's wher'ver I so ple'se. {on a space phone} Hi, yes, hot-free number? I've found an anonymous apostrophe flinger, his name is Honst Landwaddler. He may need a charley horse. Ooh, that'd be great. I've always wanted a horse. But it probably wouldn't be practical in a space assault. Spaceships will do fine. You comi'g along? Nope way. Aww, wh'not? 'Cause that's how it goes in the movie, remember? Gotta have that sweet character development. Right, that makes sense. Plus, I already got my reward. I ain't gonna commit sudoku just to destroy some planet-destroying planet. {A distant roar is heard. Honst runs over.} Biggsgonzola Supreme! You're even Biggs-er than whan I last saw you. More Gonzola Supreme, too. {roars} Yeah, I'll be up there blowing up the Death Pom too! {Cut to the rebels flying through space in their ships.} REBEL: Red Ten standing by. REBEL: Red Negative One standing by. REBEL: Red Three Point One Four standing by. REBEL: Red One Marzillion standing by. REBEL: Reddest Radish standing by. Red Five standing by. RED LEADER: Lock S-foil in attack position. {Aluminum foil comes out of the ships.} Red Leader: Prepare to enter magnetic field. (Cut to one of the rebel's cockpits where a bunch of keys attach themselves to the windshield.) Red 10: Why did I bring those again? (Cut to the ships flying towards the Death Pom) Rebel: Look at the size of that thing. Reddish Radish: Really, Red Two? It's taken you this long to comment on it? The thing's visible 5,000 parsecs from here! Red Leader: Quit squabbling and accelerate to attack speed. This is Red Five, I'm going in... {Cut to Honst at Bubs Brothers MegaMall.} New shoes for only 5,000 credits? What a deal! Does this place have an Ordango's in the food court? {The Drive-Thru Whale pops up from the floor.} DRIVE-THRU WHALE: The Empire has outlawed the Thick-or-Treat Burger. Please stop this corrupt dictatorship for the sake of Blubb-O's chain restaurants everywhere. WHAT?! This is Red Five, I'm really going in! {Cut to Honst in his spaceship flying through the Death Pom trench toward the exhaust port. Darth Pretender's ship follows behind him.} You chumps think you can explode my planet-exploding planet? I think you'll be the ones getting exploded! Or something! (Cut to Darth Pretender's targeting computer.) Say your prayers, you little- (Darth Pretender's ship is hit by something, causing him to lose aim.) What?!? (Cut to Garb Solo in the Pillenium Falcon.) Yahoo!!!! ...is my second favorite search engine! Right behind Dogpile. (Cut back to Honst in the trenches.) You got this, kid. Now let's 'splode this thing and go get coffee or somethin'! {echoey voiceover} Use the Fourth, Honst. Hey, I thought you died. {echoey voiceover} I did. Now use the Fourth. I don't feel like it. {echoey voiceover} No, seriously, do it. Fine, whatever. {Honst closes his eyes and shoots torpedos into the exhaust port. The ships fly away as the Death Pom blows up.} So that's what happens if you poke Pom Pom with a pin. He really does explode in a fiery ball visible from space! Who's Pom Pom? I'm... not sure. Great shot, kid, that was one in 1,307,256, approximately. (Cut to everyone at the Rebel base. Triumphant music is being played, as the Grape Fairie puts some medals on everyone's necks.) Grape Fairie: And so's, for loosening the Empire's grip on the galaxy, I presents yous with these medals of bravery that my ma' got offa Wookie Milson in 1977. (Cut to Garb.) Hey Doobie, where'd your medal go? (Pan to Doobaca, who coughs up the medal.) Say halosche to my new wife! {Everyone laughs as the scene irises out. Roll credits.} (Cut to Grindolo in his throne room.) Mwah ha ha ha! It worked, I’ve changed history! Now to see what’s become of the Banal Order of Dubious Hasbeens! Really, that’s the best you could come up with? Yes it was, Killian, now shut up! {Darth Pretender walks in.} Emperor Grindolo, the Death Pom has exploded. Permission to begin construction on a second one? And perhaps a third one after that? And then ships with Death Pom laser technology? Emperor Grindolo? I like the sound of that. But what's with the dumb suit? I need it to survive after Obi-Stom left me burninated and limbless on Mustafaraway. I must've altered history more than I thought. Do you know what has become of the Bad Organisms of Dumb Heads? That's even worse. I've never heard of such a thing in my life. So, it worked? The BODH never existed? Still have no idea what you're talking about, so yeah, I guess it worked. Wonderful. After five long centuries, my plans of vengeance have finally succeeded. I'll never have to see Honstlar's dumb head again. {Cut to the surface of the moon. The Pillenium Falcon lands next to Castle Grindolo, and Honst walks out. Cut back to the throne room, where Grindolo watches from the window.} What the heck? How do Honstlar and his friends manage to survive every time?! That's not Honstlar, that's Honst. I DON'T CARE! Get down there and get rid of them!! (A Gungan-like Homeschool Winner appears) Home-Home Winks: Don't-a worries, emperor, meesa take-a cares of da rebels! What in the Sam Hain are you supposed to be? AND HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY CASTLE?!?!? {A Yoda-esque Homsar walks in.} YOMSAR: DaAaAaAa, do or don't do, there is no salad sandwiches. {Bubs dressed as Lando enters the room.} BUBSO CALRISSIAN: This deal at the concession stand's getting better all the time! {Coach Z as Ackbar shows up.} COACH ZACKBAR: It's a trorp! {There's The Cheat as an ewok.} CHEATWOK: Yub nub! {EDITED and Arsene Video Greg make appearances as Boba and Jango Fett, respectively.} ARSENO FETT: I'm just a simple game show fan making his way in the universe. VIDEO FETT: I survived the Sarlacc of Town so I could star in the Cheat Commandalorian. {Rabite as Rey fights the Cleanser Geek as Kylo Ren.} CLEANSO REN: You come from nothing! REYBITE: Not if the next movie has anything to say about it! Cool it with the fanservicey crossover business, get down there, and KILL HONST! {Everyone leaves.} Ugh. {A flush is heard and Honst walks in.} You do NOT wanna go in there! It smells like a barfing dumpster skunk. Okay, firstly, how do you know what those smell like? You don't want to know. Secondly, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CASTLE?! I need to use the Fourth to defeat the Fifth and restore order to the galaxy! The Fifth? That's you and Darth Pretender. Did you not know that? I was just involved in time travel shenanigans, so I missed out on a good chunk of history. {walks in} Ah, Honst, you've fallen right into my trap. The second Death Pom is now fully operational. There's still good in you, father, let go of your hate. Father?! This is the weirdest timeline. We're kind of speedrunning this trilogy so we can get to the thrilling conclusion. An entire movie and a half just happened offscreen. Neat, whatever. Just kill Honst. {Honst and Darth Pretender clash brightsavers.} Yes, let the hate flow through you. Which one of us are you talking to? Oh, uh... I was talking to Darth Pretender, but, uh, come to think of it, that request could really apply to both of you. What?! Why are you cheering on Honst? You just asked me to kill him! Yeah, but I literally just realized that if he kills you, he can become my new apprentice in the bad side of the Fourth, or whatever. Hey, that's, like, really mean! I served you for like 30 years, you can't just betray me like this! Yeah I can. What are you gonna do about it? {throws away his brightsaver} I'm not gonna fight you. It's not the Haddi way. A'ight, well then, lightning time. {Emperor Grindolo zaps Honst with lightning from his ghosty clawfingers. Darth Pretender looks back and forth, conflicted...} No... Nooo! {Darth Pretender tries to pick up Emperor Grindolo, but since Grindolo is a ghost, his hands pass right through.} Wha... what are you doing? You can't touch me, I'm a ghost. Right, right. I was, uh, kind of hoping to toss you into some kind of electric chasm thing. You know, for electrocuting my son. You care about him now? You were just trying to kill him a few seconds ago! Like I said, we're kind of speedrunning this trilogy. Well, if we can't pick him up and slam dunk him into a garbage disposal, what do we do? We could use two brightsavers at once to deflect his electric attacks back at him and say a semi-decent one-liner like "I am all the—" Sounds like a dumb plan that'll anger the fans. What else can we do? Hmm, well... this whole universe is like a new timeline, right? So if we can reverse Grindolo's spell and return to our original time, all of this should be undone. That could get ugly. How do you suggest we revert the timeline? I dunno, I think I have a vague memory of the altered timeline having something to do with... magic words? Let's say random stuff and see if it works. Butterscotch. {pause} Nope, nothin'. Might as well just give up now. {After some time has passed...} Man, giving up is boring. Let's try reversing that spell again! Okay! Ahem! '' J o n e s h a m i l l l u c a s f i l m ! '' {Cut to the BODH having a meeting.} And that's why... uh, pants are... sorry, what just happened? It happened to you too? I feel like an entire lifetime's worth of memories just came and went in a flash. Same here. I've got vague memories of... being an android? I mean, I already am an android, of course, so that's not unusual at all. We were about to play Clapping Party, when suddenly... were we in space? Something about that does ring a bell. {typing at his laptop} Prisma One seems to indicate timeline alteration... whatever happened, it's just branched off into its own separate timeline, and ours has been restored to normal. Well, we probably won't have to worry about it until we decide to do Empire Strikes Back. Until we decide to do what now? Um... I'm a crazy old man? (Pause.) Ha ha ha! Classic Stom. All: {Riotous laughter.} {Home-Home Winks pops up.} Home-Home Winks: Maclunkey! (END.)