Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/An Episode Revolving Around The King of Town Of All People

Season 4: Episode 14

The King of Town works out. It doesn't work out.

Cast (in order of appearance): The King of Town, Multi-Function Dragon, Strong Bad, SRMX12, Honstlar, EDITED Video Greg,, Coach E, Rabite, Zascub, Juniper, Poopertroopers, Anonny, Stom, Knights, Coach Z, That Little Chef Guy, Sume, Becca, Homestar Runner

Places: Storybook World, Town Hall, Hatquarters, American Gladiators, The King of Town's Castle, The Field, Homestar Runner's House

Date: Saturday, March 4, 2023

Running Time: ?:??

Transcript
{Open to a storybook.}

"The Prince of Town Enters Being the Prince of Town"

Everyone loves the Prince of Town. He is a benevolent monarch.

But this wasn't always the case. At the age of exactly zero, a boy known as Minkus was born to the Zonepermit peasant family.

Raised in a poor and destitute household, he was forced to spend each day sweeping the chimney, feasting on the occasional worm that would crawl through the creaky floorboards, and sucking moisture from the moss that formed under the drippy hole in the ceiling.

Despite this, he was an intelligent boy, clever for his age. His parents, Mildred and Eldritch Zonepermit, couldn't be prouder of their son, and knew in their hearts that he would one day grow to have a great impact on the world.

One day his father came home from his job at the local mudlarks' quarry with the family's monthly meal &mdash; a single egg abandoned by a one-eyed quail. Minkus was grateful. Rather than eating his portion, he politely offered it as a snack to the bird who left it behind.

By the age of 14, Minkus had tired of his impoverished homestead. With his family's blessing, he fled with naught but a patchy bindle of malnourished worms. As he looked upon the sunrise casting a serene glow over the horizon, he inhaled a deep breath. "Today," he thought, "my life will begin."

His journey was not an easy one, fraught with trial and hardship, but his wisdom and the truth in his heart never failed him. He would walk the narrow streets, politely asking passersby to throw any spare change in his worm-eaten bindle, and in exchange he would help with whatever they needed.

Spreading cheer and smiles across the countryside, he helped build homes, make food for families, paint pictures, and more &mdash; all for half a quarter-pence and measly grains of stale rye. Nonetheless, Minkus was content.

Minkus felt relief and a twinge of regret as his journey came to an end. His heart had finally led him to the land of promise and opportunity, the lush groves of Unfree Country, USA.

As his eyes gazed upon his destination, however, he was struck with horror. Unfree Country, as it turned out, was unfree. Its residents lived in fear as a fierce dragon brought forth wanton destruction and inconvenience. Amidst this rampage, their king had perished.

Minkus knew that he couldn't stand by while the townsfolk faced such injustice, but he refused to bring harm upon even the most spiteful of creatures. He mustered up all the courage he had, and approached the dragon completely unarmed.

"You must be unhappy," Minkus called out to the dragon, "How can I help?"

The dragon gestured to a spear that had pierced the area of its chest labeled "burninate". Minkus understood what he must do, and climbed up the dragon to remove the spear.

In doing so, he discovered a function on the dragon's torso reading "home repair". Giving it a light poke, Minkus looked on as the town's domiciles were miraculously rebuilt, and all was mended to its former glory.

Descending from the dragon, the townsfolk rejoiced, and Minkus was unanimously elected the new prince of what would henceforth be known as "Free Country, USA". The peace and prosperity brought upon by his altruistic reign would endure for generations.

{The storybook is closed.}

THE KING OF TOWN: And that's it! Meeting adjourned.

{Cut to the residents of Free Country, USA gathered in town hall with unamused expressions.}

STRONG BAD: You called a town meeting just to read us some sappy kids' book?

THE KING OF TOWN: It's a really good book!

SRMX12: I thought we were going to discuss the growing crime rates.

THE KING OF TOWN: I'm just giving the law enforcement a well-deserved year off!

HONSTLAR: What about the food shortages?

THE KING OF TOWN: Oh, don't worry. That food is being put to good use. {consumes a turkey leg in a single bite}

EDITED VIDEO GREG: There's corruption within the Municipality!

THE KING OF TOWN: A little corruption never hurt nobody.



THE KING OF TOWN: Walk it off.

COACH E: So that's it, then? We all just go home?

THE KING OF TOWN: Sure, unless you want to hear that story again.

{The entire room clears out, except for the King of Town.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Well, more for me then! {eats the book}

{Cut to the BODH meeting in the Hatquarters.}

HONSTLAR: Man, what I would give to overthrow that guy.

SRMX12: You've done that before. It didn't go so well.

RABITE: When's the next election?

SRMX12: That's not how monarchy works. When the king dies, the title will go to his next of kin.



SRMX12: That's not an option. For some reason, the king outlawed regicide.

Impeding on our basic human rights? He's gone too far this time.

EDITED VIDEO GREG: Who is next in line for the throne, anyway?

SRMX12: {typing on his computer} That Cadbury Creme Egg he named Robert.

ZASCUB: Oh yeah, that guy! What a riot.

As I always say, I like my monarchs bursting with flavor!

EDITED VIDEO GREG: Frankly I'm just surprised he hasn't eaten it yet. Isn't there anyone else who would be willing to take the job?

COACH E: Being a king is hard, grueling work. I don't know a single person who'd want that responsibility, except the King of Town... We should be thankful that he's doing it. He could be doing a whole lot worse.

HONSTLAR: Yeah, I get that. That time I was king, it sucked so bad that I had to go mad with power just to tolerate it.

JUNIPER: So what we're saying is... the King of Town is basically the only person who could be the King of Town?

SRMX12: Seems that way. If we want a better king, we'll just have to make the current king better at his job.

ZASCUB: How do we do that?

SRMX12: I recently learned that the story he told is at least partially true &mdash; he was once a much better king than he is now. So, while we were at the town meeting, I used my computer to discreetly perform a medical examination on the King of Town's numerous health issues.

{SRMX12 brings down a projector screen showing the King of Town's internal anatomy, and points at the king's head with a pointer stick.}

SRMX12: As you can see, the food he's eating is clogging his brain, making him dumber. I deduce that the solution is a workout.

I can do like seven push-ups in just one day! This'll be a piece of cake, especially if I can have a piece of cake between each one.

SRMX12: I meant a workout for the King of Town.

Then it'll be a piece of cake, in the sense that he'll probably have a piece of cake instead of working out.

{Cut to the BODH and the King of Town (wearing a sports jersey and headband) on an American Gladiators-style stage.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Doo hoo! For me? Oh, you're too kind! I haven't eaten this much since breakfast.

EDITED VIDEO GREG: This isn't a meal, this is a workout routine.

THE KING OF TOWN: Ah yes, I think I've heard of those before.

EDITED VIDEO GREG: First on the schedule is a race. Get to the starting line.

{The King shuffles over to the starting line and collapses before he reaches it.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Doo... you're right, working out isn't like eating at all.

EDITED VIDEO GREG: The workout hasn't begun yet.

{The King melts into a puddle of sweat.}

RABITE: Uh oh. Is he dead?

SRMX12: No, I'm pretty sure his normal shape will reform once we freeze him back into a solid.

''{A vaguely 1980s-style workout montage begins. The King runs laps, lifts weights, and gets slimmer as the montage progresses.}''

HONSTLAR: {voiceover; singing} If you wanna lose some weight If you wanna get real great Don't worry, it's not too late All you gotta do is partici-pate, in a

HONSTLAR AND GFD: TRAINING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: TRAINING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: TRAINING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: TRAINING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR: Sit-up, push-up, pull-up, squat Stretching, jumping, that's a lot! Hit the treadmill, run a mile Hit the gym and lift a while, through a

HONSTLAR AND GFD: TRAINING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: TRAINING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: TRAINING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: TRAINING MONTAGE!



''{The montage ends after half a minute. The King has reverted to how he was as the Prince of Town.}''

SRMX12: How do you feel?

THE KING OF TOWN: I feel like a new king. I feel like I could take on the world! I feel like I could implement so many stringent rules and taxes right now!

SRMX12: What?

{Cut to the BODH in the Hatquarters.}

SRMX12: ...And then he implemented a bunch of stringent rules and taxes.

He can't be any worse of a king than he was before.

{Poopertroopers enter the building and take away several greasy fast food bags and some candy.}

SRMX12: He's outlawed everything above 80 calories.

{disappears}

RABITE: What happened to him?

COACH E: I think he instantaneously lost the will to live.

EDITED VIDEO GREG: Huh, maybe this new king isn't so bad.

{Gfd reappears to devour Greg, then vanishes again.}

COACH E: Um, he just ate Greg.

ANONNY: Uh oh. I sure hope I'm not eaten too.

{Gfd appears again and eats Anonny.}

SRMX12: That can't be good. Gfd will go an eating rampage and devour the whole town if he doesn't get enough burgers.

RABITE: Why don't we just go to the King of Town and ask him to change his mind?

{Cut to the exterior of the castle.}

THE KING OF TOWN: {voiceover} No.

{Cut to the inside.}

POOPERTROOPER: Who were you talking to?

THE KING OF TOWN: Oh, I was just practicing saying "no" in case someone came in and demanded I repeal my food regulation laws.

{The BODH enters.}

RABITE: Excuse me, could you perhaps repeal your food regulation laws?

THE KING OF TOWN: New. {pause} Aw man, I knew I needed more practice.

STOM: Our acquaintance has gone insane and resorted to cannibalism.

THE KING OF TOWN: What's his name?

STOM: I, uh, can't pronounce it.

THE KING OF TOWN: Oh right, him. Fear not, I have just the solution.

{The king gestures for his army, a large group identical to the Knight.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Off with his head.

KNIGHT: Uh, whose?

THE KING OF TOWN: I can't pronounce his name.

KNIGHT: Oh right, that guy. We're on it.

{The army marches out.}

STOM: We were, uh, kind of hoping for a solution that doesn't involve his death. Also, I'd like to be able to distribute waffles again.

THE KING OF TOWN: Ah, I see. Off with your head too.

{Stom is dragged away by the last remaining knight.}

JUNIPER: WAIT a minute!! That's going too far. When did you get so concerned with health?

THE KING OF TOWN: Now that the greasy scourge of saturated fat has been quelled from my cerebrum, I see the immense value of a balanced diet. Never again shall I slurp up a bucket of fried chicken in one bite. Those days are behind me... as they are for everyone else.

''{A chopping sound is heard. Stom's head rolls into the room.}''

COACH E: STOM!!

STOM: {voiceover; whispering} Yeah?

COACH E: {sniff} I'm sorry you're just a head now. We should've done more...

STOM: {voiceover; whispering} Psst, guys. Over here.

{The BODH leaves the room and sees the real Stom.}

STOM: I tricked the guards with a lifesized decoy of myself made of low-fat waffles.

COACH E: Oh, good. We're not getting through to the king at all... Doesn't seem like he's willing to change his mind.

STOM: I guess there's only one course of action. We need to make the king fat and stupid again.

{They go back into the throne room.}

SRMX12: Excuse me, Mr. Town... is it not one of your duties as a king to eat a pile of cakes after every meal?

THE KING OF TOWN: Yes, it is, but I've elected to delegate that duty to my troopers.

{Pan to the Poopertroopers, fattened with cake, then back to the King of Town.}

SUME: Um... well, if you come to our place, we can give you some, uh, salad! {winks to the rest of the BODH}

HONSTLAR: {whispering} What's the wink for? Are we going to assassinate him?

SUME: {whispering} No, I just meant we'd actually give him some pizza and tell him it's salad.

THE KING OF TOWN: I can hear you, you know.

SUME: {whispering} Shoot. Let's ditch this popsicle stand.

{The characters run away in a cloud of dust with a cartoony sound effect.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Popsicle stand? I thought I outlawed all manner of fruit juice, frozen or liquified.

POOPERTROOPER: I believe it's an expression, my liege.

THE KING OF TOWN: Ah, I see. Well, I don't want my subjects going around with popsicles on their minds. I want you to ensure that whoever utters such phrases is fined $200.

POOPERTROOPER: Very clever, sir. Anything else you'd like me to do?

THE KING OF TOWN: Gather all the history books and scrub all mention of burgers from their pages. Soon, it will be as if junk food never existed!

''{The scene zooms out from the castle as the King unleashes a diabolical laugh. Cut to Gfd wearing sunglasses, a fedora, and a trenchcoat in an alleyway. Coach Z approaches him.}''

COACH Z: You got the goods?

What do you want?

COACH Z: I could go for a double-bacon cheeseburger.



COACH Z: I don't have the money right now, but I'll get it to you soon! I promise!

{reaches into his trenchcoat and pulls out a burger} Keep this on the down low, all right? Don't let the popo in on our "dealings".

COACH Z: Will do.

{Cut back to the BODH walking through the castle.}

SUME: I'm not sure I like the new KOT, in the 2003+3+3+3+3+3+3+2, very much.

VOICE: Me neither.

''{They look around for the source of the voice. They peer into the kitchen, where the Little Chef Guy dejectedly chops lettuce.}''

LITTLE CHEF GUY: Salad, salad, salad. It's all he ever wants me to make.

HONSTLAR: Sorry about that, but I don't think there's anything we can do. We tried making him fat and stupid again, but he refused everything we offered him.

LITTLE CHEF GUY: You didn't offer him everything. I know the King's diet better than anyone. And I know that there is one thing he will never be able to resist &mdash; a special weapon against his appetite.

HONSTLAR: What is it?

LITTLE CHEF GUY: {takes off an Anti-Sauce Joke Patch} You already know what it is, don't you?

HONSTLAR: Of course. The SAUCE.

LITTLE CHEF GUY: But it takes ages to make, and we're running out of time... at this rate, the salad will purge all memories of fast food from our minds. I need your help.

''{Fade to later. The BODH are having a meeting with the chef.}''

HONSTLAR: So let's recap the plan. We'll all split up into five groups.

COACH E: Juniper and I will gather the ingredients.

SRMX12: Sume and I will help the chef cook.

ZASCUB: Becca and I will stop the King from eating too much salad.

RABITE: Honstlar and I will stop Gfd from eating the world.

STOM: Happy and I will stop the army from stopping Gfd from eating the world.

HONSTLAR: Ready? Go!

''{The team splits up. Cut to Coach E and Juniper in the Field.}''

COACH E: What's the first ingredient we need?

JUNIPER: {reading the recipe} A pound of steak.

COACH E: Wait, that's illegal now. What are we supposed to do?

JUNIPER: Come on, you're acting like you've never broken the law before.

COACH E: Pardon?

{Cut to Juniper and Coach Z sneaking through a window wearing burglar masks.}

COACH E: Um, if you don't mind my asking... I assume based on our, er, elaborate entrance that this isn't your house...?

JUNIPER: Nah, it's Homestar's. Little known fact, guy's a big fan of steak.

COACH E: I'm not sure I feel comfortable stealing.

JUNIPER: The fate of the world is at stake. Or at least, the fate of steak is at stake.

{The lights turn on and Homestar walks in, drowsy and wearing pajamas.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey Coach Z. Superman. What are you guys doing in my&mdash;

{Juniper hits Homestar with a crowbar and knocks him unconscious.}

COACH E: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!

JUNIPER: It's not very polite for the burglaree to interrupt the burglarer-ers.

COACH E: It's not very polite to knock people out with crowbars.

JUNIPER: Look, we can't have any witnesses, okay? You wanna get arrested?

COACH E: Hmm... I suppose that would be rather inconvenient.

JUNIPER: {looks in the pantry} Dang. Nary a steak in sight. I'll check the fridge.

COACH E: {walking through the living room} Have you checked&mdash; {bumps into the table and knocks off the cow lamp} Oh no! I broke his cow lamp!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Thanks for breaking my&mdash;

JUNIPER: {smacks him with a crowbar again} You're not supposed to be conscious yet!

COACH E: It seems pretty busted... You think we can salvage it somehow?

JUNIPER: Nope, I think you've killed it.

COACH E: Oh no! I can't believe I've committed breaking and entering, burglary, and murder in one night.

JUNIPER: Don't forget, helping make the SAUCE is an act of treason now.

COACH E: Right. I'm sure glad none of the King's Poopertroopers are around.

''{Poopertroopers enter the house. Coach E and Juniper hide behind the table.}''

JUNIPER: {whispering} Well, this sure raises the stakes. Or at least the steaks. In the future, please refrain from foreshadowing such things.

{The Poopertroopers take away Homestar's fridge.}

JUNIPER: {whispering} They're abducting the steaks! And whatever else he has in that fridge.

{The Poopertroopers return with a different fridge.}

JUNIPER: Wait, what are they doing?

POOPERTROOPER: Who said that?

{Silence.}

JUNIPER: It was me, the cow lamp. I'm not murdered.

POOPERTROOPER: Oh, that's good to hear. {leaves}

COACH E: Okay, seems like they're gone. Let's check that fridge.

''{Coach E opens the new fridge. Lettuce pours out.}''

COACH E: It's... nothing but salad.

JUNIPER: They're breaking into people's houses and replacing their food with salad? This is going too far.

COACH E: What do we do about the cow lamp?

JUNIPER: Hmm. Actually, this might be a good thing. This cow lamp is dead now. And you know where steak comes from?

COACH E: ...Dead cow lamps?

JUNIPER: Close enough. Let's take it and scram.

{Cut to SRMX12 and Sume in the chef's kitchen.}

SRMX12: So how much cooking experience do you have?

SUME: I've never cooked anything, but I'm a waitress and janitor at a diner... I must've picked up some skills being in such proximity to a kitchen all the time, right?

SRMX12: My house has a kitchen too. I've never used it, but I'm aware of how things like "ovens" and "stoves" work... those are different things, right?

SUME: I think so, yeah.

SRMX12: Plus, I'm pretty much an expert on everything thanks to my trusty laptop. I can fill any gap in my knowledge with a brief search query, so I doubt we'll run into any trouble.

SUME: {reading the recipe} Says here, first step is to get out a pot.

SRMX12: {puts a pot on the counter} Done! This'll be a cakewalk! Or at least a SAUCEwalk.

SUME: It also says to add oil... but it doesn't say how much.

SRMX12: This is where my extensive scientific knowledge comes in! The amount of oil required in an engine is approximately proportional to the cylinder count; with this variable considered, the average car demands 5-8 quarts of oil. Since this pot is 240% the size of a 1390cc engine, we'll equate that to 16 quarts.

SUME: Wow, that's 4 bottles! This must be a good SAUCE. {reads the recipe} We also need to dice a tomato.

SRMX12: Hmm. We're running low on time... dicing an entire tomato could take anywhere from 170 to 320 seconds. {typing into his laptop} I'll program an algorithm to generate the formula for a chemical compound, which I will synthesize and inject into the tomato to cause it to fall into 120 equally-sized pieces instantaneously.

SUME: How long will that take?

SRMX12: {typing furiously} Please do not disturb my concentration.

SUME: 'Kay, I'll do this next part on my own. {reading the recipe} Shredded cheese... you know where the cheese shredder is? I can't find it.

{SRMX12 continues typing.}

SUME: It's fine, we don't need it. I brought my cleats today. {puts the block of cheese on the ground and stomps on it}

LITTLE CHEF GUY: {peeks in} How's it going in there?

SUME: Great! SRMX12 is programming an algorithm for the tomatoes, and the cheese has been thoroughly stomped.

LITTLE CHEF GUY: Ha, you guys are hilarious. Anyway, I gotta make sure the others are doing their thing. {leaves}

SUME: That was a "ha" of approval, right?

SRMX12: Of course, we're doing great.

{The oven catches fire.}

SRMX12: Um. That should probably be put out.

SUME: I can't find any water. {pulls out another bottle of oil} This'll work, right?

{Cut to the King of Town's throne room.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Ah, what a great day to not eat corn dogs. You know what sounds really great right about now? {takes out a bowl of salad} A nice, big, leafy, healthy bowl of&mdash;

{Zascub and Becca enter.}

ZASCUB: Hey!

THE KING OF TOWN: What are you two doing here?

BECCA: We're here to distract you from eating salad!

{Pause.}

BECCA: I mean, to bask in your greatness and stuff, while you don't eat salad.

THE KING OF TOWN: What are you talking about? Salad makes my greatness even more baskable.

ZASCUB: Hey, you know what's even healthier than salad? Breathing air! You know, you get fat if you eat too much salad, but you can breathe as much air as you want.

THE KING OF TOWN: Interesting hypothesis... I'll get my chef to dress my next salad with extra oxygen. Speaking of which, I'll go check on my chef now.

ZASCUB: NO! Don't do that. It'll ruin the surprise... {thinks} of how much air... {thinks} he's putting on your salad.

THE KING OF TOWN: I don't want it to be a surprise. I want a ratio of exactly 2 breaths of air per leaf of salad &mdash; any more than that will overpower the taste of the lettuce.

ZASCUB: No it won't. Uh, what do I say next?

BECCA: Distract him by juggling!

ZASCUB: Okay! {throws his hat onto the ground} Was that good?

THE KING OF TOWN: I'm beginning to find this suspicious.

ZASCUB: I'd really appreciate it if you didn't.

{Cut to Honstlar and Rabite walking through the Field.}

RABITE: So how do we find Gfd?

HONSTLAR: I imagine just saying the word "burger" will do the trick.

{Gfd appears out of thin air, wide-eyed and drooling.}

HONSTLAR: Hey, Gfd. Hey, cousin. Uh, don't eat me, okay? I just want to talk.

{Gfd walks forward slowly, licking his lips.}

HONSTLAR: We just want you to, uh... stop eating people. Can you do that?

''{Honstlar turns into a steak. Gfd approaches closer.}''

HONSTLAR: Gfd...? You understand, right?

RABITE: Did he just turn you into a steak?

HONSTLAR: Oh dang, I thought that was just his imagination. His hunger is awakening his reality-bending powers. It won't be long now until he unleashes his true form...

''{Gfd's eyes sink into his head. His face opens up along four different axes, revealing a vast number of fanged mouths inside, which reach out extended by eye-covered tentacles with claws on the ends. He roars.}''

RABITE: Should we run?

HONSTLAR: We should.

''{Rabite and Honstlar sprint away, pursued by Gfd, who speeds along on his tentacle-mouths. The two duck behind a brick wall.}''

HONSTLAR: {whispering} Just... wait. Be quiet...

''{Pause. A smiling Gfd slowly rises from behind the brick wall, as horror strings play.}''



{Gfd opens his entire face and takes a bite of half the wall as Honstlar and Rabite dash away into a dark, abandoned warehouse.}

HONSTLAR: Lock it! Quick!!

{They lock the door, nail boards onto it, and push a table in front of it.}

RABITE: He can't get in here... right?

HONSTLAR: If it was anyone else, I'd say no, he can't. But...

''{Honstlar's bowler hat splits open, and spiders with Gfd's head spill out. Before long, the two are covered in flesh-eating spiders.}''

HONSTLAR: AHHH!! GETEMOFF GETEMOFF&mdash;

''{They run around shaking the spiders off. The spiders come together to form a singular Gfd, still wide-eyed and slobbering as he slowly approaches.}''

HONSTLAR: {shaking} S&mdash; s&mdash; stop! We're... we're working on repealing the king's laws, okay? You'll get burgers soon, I&mdash; I promise! Just, don't hurt us...

{Gfd slinks into the shadows.}

RABITE: Where'd he go?

HONSTLAR: I don't know, we'll have to split up to find him. You have a flashlight?

{They both get out flashlights and nod as they part ways.}

{Honstlar walks down a dark hallway.}

HONSTLAR: Hey, buddy... where'd you go? This horror movie shtick is funny but it's getting kind of old at this point.

''{A drop falls on Honstlar. He looks up. Gfd, suspended from the ceiling by amorphous goop, continues slobbering from a mouth which now takes up his entire head. Horror strings play.}''

HONSTLAR: AHHH!!

''{Honstlar throws his flashlight at the beast to no effect. Frightened, Honstlar runs away, only to bump into another Gfd.}''



{The Gfds slowly close in on a cowering Honstlar...}

{Cut to Rabite in another part of the warehouse.}

RABITE: Gfd? Hello? I know you want good food, but we need your help getting it back...

HONSTLAR: {runs in} Rabite! Thank goodness it's you! I was cornered by Gfd, but I'm safe now! Come over here, I know a way out.

RABITE: Where?

HONSTLAR: Right through this door, come on. {gestures to a convenient door}

RABITE: Um... I can't see anything in there. Except... wait, why does the door have teeth?

HONSTLAR: Well, it was worth a shot. {splits his face into sections and consumes Rabite as he transforms back into Gfd}

{Cut to Stom and Happy 8600 walking through the Field.}

STOM: So, um... we're going to go stop an entire army. How exactly are we going to do that?

HAPPY 8600: You are very good with waffles. I calculate a 43.7% chance of success in waffle-based combat.

{The army approaches.}

KNIGHT: Who mentioned waffles?!

STOM: Oh, thank goodness you're here! There's a rogue waffle distributor on the loose. He just fled thataway!

{Stom points away, and the knights march in that direction.}

STOM: Lesson 1 of waffle-based combat: always go for the sneak attack. Opponents rarely suspect to be hit with a waffle.

{Stom holds up his waffle maker, and the army is swept away by a cascade of waffles.}

KNIGHT: Oh, that is so illegal.

STOM: Lesson 2 of waffle-based combat: uh oh. I'm out of ideas.

{The knights all point their spears at Stom as he slowly backs away.}

{Cut to Coach E and Juniper walking through an alleyway.}

COACH E: So, the next ingredient is butter... and this is the only place we can get it?

JUNIPER: That's right. Follow my lead and don't do anything too unsuspicious.

{They approach the trenchcoat-and-sunglasses-wearing Gfd.}

JUNIPER: We'd like a... {looks around} "churned delight", if you catch my drift.

{pulls a stick of butter from his trenchcoat} Don't let no one see this, all right?

JUNIPER: Thanks. {tosses Gfd a crumpled wad of bills} Keep these dealings between us, will ya?



{Honstlar runs in, out of breath.}

HONSTLAR: You guys gotta help me! Gfd's gone insane and he's duplicating himself and he's gonna kill us all!!

COACH E: But... Gfd's right here.

HONSTLAR: {backs away in fear} Oh no... another one.

{A ravenous, bug-eyed group of Gfds close in on Honstlar, Coach E, and Juniper.}

HONSTLAR: Those are the ones that were chasing me earlier.

JUNIPER: I think I has the solution. {to the shady Gfd} You got any pizzas?



{Juniper throws the pizza at the Gfds, and they all merge into a single entity to devour it whole.}

That was good. I think my hunger is satisfied for a good few minutes or so.

HONSTLAR: Oh thank goodness, you're back to your non-Eldritch-abomination self.

I'm always pretty Eldritch-abominationy. That said, right now I'm feeling generous enough to cough up the few people I ate earlier. {coughs up EDITED Video Greg, Anonny, and Rabite} Sorry, guys.

HONSTLAR: It's sure a good thing you don't seem to have a digestive system.

EDITED VIDEO GREG: I disagree. I'd much rather be disintegrated in stomach acid than go through that again.

ANONNY: Uh, Honstlar. Why are you a steak?

HONSTLAR: Oh right, I completely forgot Gfd's imagination turned me into a steak earlier.

This is way funnier.

JUNIPER: Hey, we need steak for the SAUCE. This works out perfectly! All we have to do is take Honstlar back to the castle with our ingredients, chop him up, and boil his remains.

HONSTLAR: I don't like this plan.

COACH E: I thought we agreed to use the meat from the cow lamp.

JUNIPER: Yeah, but lamp steak isn't quite as good as the real thing... oh well. {tears the lampshade apart and takes out a piece of fabric with a steak drawn on it} This'll do.

{The army arrives.}

KNIGHT: Just what are you up to over here?



JUNIPER: I haven't broken into anyone's house.

RABITE: And I am not assisting in the creation of a treasonous SAUCE.

HONSTLAR: I am not a steak.

KNIGHT: I find those claims dubious. Especially the last one. Bring in the prisoners!

{Stom and Happy 8600 are pushed into the scene, handcuffed.}

KNIGHT: These ne'er-do-wells were found in possession of a highly illegal dosage of waffles. We have it on good authority that you're friends with these two, correct?

HONSTLAR: Uh... yeah.

KNIGHT: Good. Because we've received word of a high-calorie food dealership operating out of this alleyway, and if you don't tell us who the supplier is, we'll turn your friends here into fat-free, low-carb salad dressing.

HONSTLAR: And... if we do tell you?

KNIGHT: You'll all be arrested for illegal food possession, but none of you will be made into salad dressing. So, you'll have that going for you. Which'll be nice.

RABITE: {to Honstlar} Wh&mdash; what do we do?

STOM: Don't tell them! I don't mind being made into salad dressing.

HAPPY 8600: I do mind. Please tell them that Gfd is the one dealin' burgers.

KNIGHT: {points their spear at Gfd} So it's you.

''{Gfd shrugs. His entire body splits into one giant mouth lined with thousands of sharp teeth, as he inhales the king's entire army.}''

HONSTLAR: Hey, thanks! You should really become an Eldritch abomination a little more often.

Maybe your next birthday!

RABITE: Let's check in with how the chefs are doing.

{Cut to the kitchen in flames.}

SUME: Can't you look up "how to put out a fire" on your laptop?

SRMX12: {typing} I'm trying, but my tomato-dicing algorithm is interfering with my wireless fidelity speed. Can you try blowing on it? It works with hot soup.

SUME: {blows} IT DID NOTHING!

SRMX12: YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL AT ME ABOUT IT!! {types} Ah, it says fire can be put out by removing oxygen from the system. Inhale as much oxygen as you can! Wait, we just need to build a functioning airlock that breaches the Karman line and sucks the air into the vacuum of outer space. Running diagnostics to build such a device...

{Honstlar, Gfd, Coach E, Greg, Stom, Zascub, Rabite, and Anonny arrive with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.}

SRMX12: What are you guys doing here? We totally had this under control.

JUNIPER: Sure you did. Anyway, here are the ingredients. {drops them in the pot}

SRMX12: Whoa, you can't do that! You need to separate the wet and dry ingredients before throwing them in a pot together. I was just building a scanning system that could calculate the moistness of each item and determine which category it falls under!

JUNIPER: {stirring} Too late.

{They hear footsteps.}

STOM: Uh oh. Is that who I think it is?

THE KING OF TOWN: {approaching offscreen} Doh ho ho, I can't wait to see how much salad my chef is making!

EDITED VIDEO GREG: It is. We need to get the heck out of dodge.

SRMX12: That feels counterintuitive. We should simply dodge. I'll hide behind the stove.

THE KING OF TOWN: {walks in} Doh ho... ho? What are you doing in here...? {sniff} Is that STEAK I smell?! AND BUTTER?! I... I...

JUNIPER: I think it's working! I think he wants to eat it!

THE KING OF TOWN: I'VE NEVER FELT SO BETRAYED IN MY LIFE! Off with your heads. ALL OF YOU!!

{Zascub and Becca enter.}

ZASCUB: Don't worry about it, king. We've got this taken care of.

SUME: We can decapitate them faster than you can say "salad is the earth's greatest gift to man"!

THE KING OF TOWN: {grabs a kitchen knife} That's very generous of you. But this is something I want to do... myself.

''{Suddenly, the king is hit in the head with a frying pan. He falls over, revealing the chef behind him.}''

LITTLE CHEF GUY: You know, I really should've done more to help. This SAUCE looks terrible. Step aside...

''{The chef stirs furiously, and mixes in ingredients at a rapid pace. The BODH helps, and a montage begins.}''

HONSTLAR: {voiceover; singing} Tomato paste and olive oil Pre-heat the stove and let it boil Throw in cheese and milk and meat We'll all make something good to eat, in a

HONSTLAR AND GFD: COOKING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: COOKING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: COOKING MONTAGE!



HONSTLAR AND GFD: COOKING MONTAGE!



{The montage ends as the King of Town wakes up.}

LITTLE CHEF GUY: It's ready.

THE KING OF TOWN: Y... you traitors! You can't do this!! You... you... {sniff} I know that smell. It's... the SAUCE.

LITTLE CHEF GUY: Darn right it is.

THE KING OF TOWN: Impossible... the SAUCE is the most illegal food of all! I WILL DESTROY IT!

LITTLE CHEF GUY: Go ahead, throw it away. We'll just find it and get it back. {pause} But you know, Kingy Ding... now that you've outlawed the ingredients, this is the last SAUCE that will ever be made. And there's one way to destroy it for good...

THE KING OF TOWN: You're right. I hate this SAUCE with every fiber of my being... and I know what I must do to get it out of my sight. {holds up the pot and sucks out its contents}

{There is a pause of anticipation.}

THE KING OF TOWN: {burp} Can I have more butter with that?

''{Everyone laughs. The scene irises out to a black screen.}''

EDITED VIDEO GREG: {voiceover} So we're just gonna end it there?

Everything's been resolved.

EDITED VIDEO GREG: {voiceover} Isn't Honstlar still a steak?

Well, he'll probably be back to his old self next episode with no explanation, so it'll be fine.

{The word "End" appears.}