AWMPSCEIRLOMGG/Week 4 (1st half)

Wrestling Observer News

 * This week on WWE Raw, John Cena defeats the mysterious John Cena in yet another Cena squash match.
 * Also, in a four-way dance, Chris Jericho defeats Mark Henry, Strong Bad and Matt Hardy, making the World's Strongest Man submit to the Walls of Jericho.
 * Chase Stevens is rumored to be leaving TNA in the near future. Chase confirms there is no ill will involved, but he is disappointed with his recent booking, so he may be ready to move on.
 * Puerto Rican wrestler The Hunter has gotten divorced from his partner. He assures us that it was a mutual decision and that he will continue to focus on his in-ring work.
 * IPW:UK has hired two rookie wrestlers for their undercard. Ronald Sanders, a powerful mountain of a man, straight edge, and a born actor; and Moore Cuthill, a cruiserweight who has solid basic skills.
 * On this week's ZERO1-Max First Strike, CIMA defended his NWA United National Heavyweight title against Katsuhiko Nakajima in the highlight match of the week.
 * Also on the card, Masaaki Mochizuki and Shinjiro Otani defeated TAKA Michinoku and Masato Tanaka, with Mochizuki getting the pin.
 * We've run a poll on the Wrestling Observer forums! We asked who is the best brawler in wrestling today, and the people answered with the legendary Kenta Kobashi. Kobashi beat out many other fine choices such as Katsuyori Shibata and The Undertaker.
 * ZERO1-Max held their annual Golden Tribute Evening to a sold out crowd, and the detailed breakdown is as follows.
 * Yoshiko Tamura and Saki Maemura def. Kaori Yoneyama and Kyoko Kimura
 * Tatsuhito Takaiwa vs. Yoshihito Sasaki for the WWA World Junior Light Heavyweight title - no contest
 * Nasty (C.W. Anderson and TAKA Michinoku) def. Desperado (Takao Omori and Kendo Kashin) for the NWA International Lightweight Tag Team titles
 * Masato Tanaka def. Katsuhiko Nakajima, retaining his International Jr. Heavyweight title
 * Shinjiro Otani def. Toshiaki Kawada, retaining his United States Openweight title
 * In the main event, CIMA def. Masaaki Mochizuki and Hiroshi Tanahashi, retaining his NWA United National Heavyweight title
 * Dixie Carter of TNA has become noticeably outspoken against Pro Wrestling NOAH, who have spent the past few months mocking them on-screen, and has made a statement that their nonsense has gone on long enough.

Backstage, before WWE Raw...
''{The scene opens in the RAW locker room, where Strong Bad and Marzipan are both getting ready. Strong Bad is on his 80's style brick cell phone}''

STRONG BAD: Yeah, the guy they hired to play Gary the Legend is actually getting in the main event. He's gonna go toe to imaginary toe with John Cena.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {appears in split-screen view} Don't talk to me about that one-and-a-half-bit pinch hitter. He could never compete with the real Legend.

STRONG BAD: Said the only guy that actually believes he exists.

HOMESTAR: How's Marzipan?

STRONG BAD: Oh child. She caught Buff Bagwell gettin' a little too Coach Z with some Divas backstage and went into full glowy-haired maximum overdrive! You shoulda seen it! She made small rocks float up off the ground and everything!

HOMESTAR: {weary} Oh, I've seen it.

STRONG BAD: So how's your lame, actually-way-cooler-than-WWE hardcore wrestling gig?

HOMESTAR: It's great! I'm like the biggest star they've got! They're gonna strap me to a rocket with some flimsy rope in another failed attempt to catch that pesky roadrunner!

STRONG BAD: You just watch, I'm gonna get the strap too. Any day now!

HOMESTAR: {quietly} ...Wanna know a secret?

STRONG BAD: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: I never sent Gary the Legend over with you. I swapped 'em out with Scotty Titi all secret-like. The real one is still at home!

STRONG BAD: Yeah, sure. But they're still just using a guy in a mask.

HOMESTAR: But now I can be with Scotty again!

STRONG BAD: No, see, they still got the trademark on his name, remember? So you'd just get sued-- on second thought, go nuts. No skin off my mask.

HOMESTAR: Nah. He's laying low for the moment and helping Haysi Fantayzee with booking. Let dumb ol' Vince have his knockoff Legend.

STRONG BAD: Yeah, whatever. I kinda dropped 5 IQ points by talking to you, so bye!

HOMESTAR: Nice chatting, Stong Band!

''{He hangs up and the view shifts to Homestar Runner. He turns to Delirious, sitting next to him}''

STRONG BAD: Oh, hey Strong Bad! That's a great Limited Edition Radioactive Green Strong Bad costume you have on.

DELIRIOUS: Who the heck is this guy?!

IAN ROTTEN: He's who you face in the title match.

DELIRIOUS: Crap!!

*"Gary the Legend", Strong Bad, and Marzipan appeared on WWE Raw.*

John Cena def. "Gary the Legend" (match rating: 82)

Chris Jericho def. Mark Henry, Strong Bad, and Matt Hardy (match rating: 84)

Trish Stratus def. Marzipan in a dog collar match (match rating: 70)

*Apparently Gary the Legend wasn't traded to WWE after all...?*

*Jack 'em Up Kid appeared on IWA:Mid-South SlamZone.*

Jack 'em Up Kid def. Delirious for the IWA:MS Heavyweight title (match rating: 64)

Inside Empty High School Gymnasium...
{Inside Empty High School Gymnasium, which was decorated all up with Decemberween niceities, as all the Homestar Runner characters, plus the handful of other wrestlers they hired, are enjoying the festivities}

THE POOPSMITH: {directing traffic just by pointing}

HAYSI FANTAYZEE: You heard the boss man! Candles in the window, carols at the spinet! Holly and ivy and all that lingo, everybody to the limit 'cause I'm in it to win it!

{The cast steps to the side and reveals their hard work}

HAYSI: You're all fabulous!

''{Homestar and Marzipan are fixing up the tree. Torrie Wilson walks up, giving a curious look}''

HOMESTAR: Happy Decemberween!

TORRIE: You're all serious about this "decemberween" thing, huh? And what do you do for the holiday?

HOMESTAR: Well blondie, I think it would go a little something... like this. {singing} Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55--

MARZIPAN: Let's not go through that whole thing.

HOMESTAR: Aww.

MARZIPAN: Anyway, I love Decemberween! It's the only time of year when I get to go out and protest against Decemberween!

TORRIE: What sense does that make?

MARZIPAN: I'll have you know, Decemberween kills bunnies. I'm doing important work.

THE KING OF TOWN: Hey, I haven't killed any bunnies! ...This year. ...Yet.

STRONG BAD: Oh man, Torrence, this is the time of year where I lock Strong Sad in the bathtub on with my bad self!

STRONG SAD: {muffled, inside a locked bathtub} He was this close to leaving the company for good, but he had to stick around a few more weeks.

STRONG BAD: I couldn't miss it for all the hot Divas in the world.

TORRIE: Too bad you won't be around next year.

STRONG BAD: Maybe I'll just lock The Heart Throbs in there. No one's gonna miss them. Aww, it won't be the same...

TORRIE: Wha bout The Cleric? What's he doing?

THE CLERIC: Me?!

TORRIE: I have a feeling these big stars never give you many things to do.

THE CLERIC: Well uh... Decemberween happens to be Deity's birthday, so of course I throw a birthday party for him in the chapel. Complete with two cakes!

TORRIE: Two?

THE CLERIC: One for the King of Town, and the other for the King of Town. Er... we servants of the court just have some candy canes.

TORRIE: You ever think there's a deeper meaning to Decemberween?

THE CLERIC: But of course, dear. I spend my Decemberween eve in silent prayer. Sometimes Deity appears to me in a vision and assures me that my tireless faith shall be rewarded.

THE KNIGHT: Sure you're not just seeing stuff from getting piledrived on the head too many times?

THE CLERIC: I must insist that is not the case. Despite the... ugh... despite the relentless wave of piledrivers that I have been subject to lately.

{The Cleric taps his head, which rattles loudly}

HOMESTAR: Hey, why come the Cleric is gettin' so much character development lately? He's barely a background character!

TORRIE: I think he's nice.

HOMESTAR: If he starts getting more fan mail than me, I got half a mind to blaspheme all up ins.

THE CLERIC: Saints preserve us...

*Success: AWMPSCE had a very merry Decemberween.*