hpe/21

Hpemail #21

Horrible Painting and the Goblin talk about video games.

Page Title: Grody Nine

Running Time: 15:20

Date: February 3, 2019

Script
HP: {singing} We are the emails of the world... I don't know what that means, {quickly} but-it-sounds-like-a-song-lyric-that-makes-sense-if-you-don't-think-about-it-too-hard...

HP: "Some easily scared dork"? That name doesn't sound familiar. {stops typing; cut to wide shot} Hey, Goblin? Did you send me an email?

GOBLIN: {walks onscreen} No, why?

HP: I just got an email from some easily scared dork&mdash;

GOBLIN: Now, now, no need to be rude. Take that back.

HP: No, I mean that's actually how they signed the email. Some easily scared dork from Q-ville, Washytown. I've never heard that name before. What could it mean?

GOBLIN: Do you think... maybe...?

HP: No. It can't be! That's ridiculous.

GOBLIN: It's the only logical solution.

HP: Do you really think so?

GOBLIN: I do.

HP: This is impossible. This can't be happening. There must be some mistake.

GOBLIN: What other explanation is there? This is the only way.

HP: You're... you're sure about this?

GOBLIN: I am.

{The realization dawns on HP; he stands on his chair}

HP: WE'VE... FINALLY... GOTTEN... AN EMAIL FROM A REAL PERSON!!

''{HP and Goblin celebrate. Cut to a parade on the street. The Fall Float Parade music plays. HP, Goblin, and other characters ride in parade floats and carry balloons. Confetti rains down. The Poopsmith sweeps up after them. Cut back to the Grody Nine.}''

HP: Man... what an experience! Usually we just get emails from our unpronouncable boss and pretend they're from different people. {typing} Anyway, real person, since we live in a painting and all, we don't have many video games here. We just have one. Allow me to introduce you to Sproinkz Jr.: "fun-thyme for the whole fun-fambly!" {types "(TM)" and says:} ...trademark symbol.

''{Cut to a board game box crudely drawn on the wall in white chalk. HP, Goblin, and Cus stand in front of it.}''

GOBLIN: So, uh... how do we play?

{HP gets a piece of paper, crumples it up, and draws dots on it}

HP: Let's start by rolling the dice. {throws "dice" on the floor}

CUS: {triumphant growling}

GOBLIN: I think Cus won.

HP: Well, that's that!

{Cut back to the Grody}

HP: {typing} So, Cube-Washer, that's my favorite video game. It kinda has to be, since it's the only one I've ever played. And even then, it's not really a video game. It's more like a board game. And even then, it's not really a board game. It's more like a drawing on the wall that someone did a few years back and I've been forgetting to paint over. See you next time!

{The Paintper comes down}

GOBLIN: {offscreen} Hey, Jibblem'n...

''{Cut to a wide shot. The Paintper is no longer visible.}''

GOBLIN: D'you think we ought to get some actual games? Of the video variety? You don't seem to have much experience in that field. And this email has been pretty boring so far.

HP: Eh, why not. {thinking} Now, where can we get video games for a reasonable price?

GOBLIN: Oh, I think I know just the place...

''{Cut to the Field. Bubs has the jibblies and is standing in a square of dirt and red bricks. HP and Goblin walk onscreen.}''

GOBLIN: Jeez, he's still jibblified after over a year.

HP: Yeah, and his stand is stolen!

GOBLIN: Where are those thieves?

''{Pan to the Stick. All the characters walking around with expensive items. Strong Mad is throwing the stand up and catching it like a ball. Pan back to Bubs.}''

GOBLIN: Oh man, everybody's been taking his stuff and he's not even aware of it. Jibblies are the worst. Bubs should&mdash;

HP: Ooh! {picks some items of the ground} Hey Goblin, I found a sweet deal on a shoot-'em-up style RPG. And some fried chicken flavored snack mix!

GOBLIN: {reads the price tag} This game costs like a thousand bucks.

HP: Not anymore, it doesn't!

GOBLIN: {sigh}

HP: Nevermind. Let's just unjibblify him. {in a backwards voice} Ereh ni no emoc...

{Bubs turns back to normal}

BUBS: Well, hey there, sentient artwork! What can I get for ya?

HP: You got any video games?

BUBS: Jibblie. Ah, jibblie. Jibblie? A-j-j-jibblie.

HP: Ah, forget it. It's no use. I think I know a better place.

''{Cut to Videlectrix Headquarters. Videlectrix One and Two are arguing as HP and Goblin walk in.}''

VIDELECTRIX ONE: THAT'S PRECISELY WHY YOU NEED TO MAKE GOOD GRAPHICS FOR ONCE!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: I... I think my graphics are good.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: THIS IS NOT GOOD GRAPHICS! MY GRANDMA COULD MAKE BETTER GRAPHICS! THIS IS MEDIOCRE GRAPHICS, AT BEST!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Mediocre is still okay, though.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: NOT IN THIS BUSINESS, IT'S NOT! IS THIS GAME CALLED "THE MEDIOCRE GRAPHICS GAME"?! DID I HIRE YOU TO MAKE MEDIOCRE GRAPHICS?

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Yes, actually. This game is called The Mediocre Graphics Game, and mediocre graphics are part of my job description.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: WELL, WHO CHOSE THAT GAME'S TITLE?! I DEMAND IT BE CHANGED IMMEDIATELY! TO THE GOOD GRAPHICS GAME!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Uh, you chose that title.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: I'M GOING TO COMPLAIN TO YOUR MANAGER!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: You are my manager.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: WISE GUY, EH?

VIDELECTRIX TWO: I&mdash; I think I'm pretty wise.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: I'LL NOT STAND FOR THAT TYPE OF SASS-TALK!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Um, I think we have visitors.

{Videlectrix One sees HP and Goblin}

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Oh! Weclome to Videlectrix. We use computers to make video games!

HP: ...Yeah, I see that.

GOBLIN: We've come to buy some video-style gaming. You got any?

VIDELECTRIX ONE: "Got any"?! We're Videlectrix! We've got all the best deals of the '80s!

GOBLIN: Er... you are aware that this the 21st century, right?

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Wait, since when?

GOBLIN: Since... 2000?

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Nah, I don't believe you. It would prolly be all over the news right now. Anyways, come, let's take a look around the affice.

{They walk over to a screen showing the Stinkoman 20X6 title screen}

VIDELECTRIX TWO: This game is called&mdash;

VIDELECTRIX ONE: I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO SPEAK!! {cough} This game is called Stinkoman 20X6. See the world of the future, today! Have challenges and fight blue hair! Double deuce your way to the end boss! Are you asking about this challenge?

HP: Uh... I guess I am.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Here, have a try! {hands HP and Goblin video game controllers} Just remember the graphics aren't final. This is a prototype version.

VIDELECTRIX TWO: This is the final version, and it's been out for over a decade.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: IT'S NOT FINAL UNTIL YOU GIVE IT THE GOODS! THE GOODS OF GRAPHICS!!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: I did the best I could do with 2 bytes of storage.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: YOU'RE A COMPUTER GUY! FIGURE SUMPIN' OUT! THESE GRAPHICS WOULD NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY IF I HAD ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!

HP: So, uh, sorry to interrupt your discussion, but... how do we play this?

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Uh, right, yes. Press that button to start a new game.

HP: A new game? But I like this one.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: No, I mean, start at the beginning. Just press the button.

HP: {presses the button; the cutscene begins} Whoa! Moving images on a screen?!

GOBLIN: {whispering to Videlectrix} I should warn you... he's not very familiar with modern technology. Or... pretty much any technology, for that matter.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: What do you mean, little green man?

GOBLIN: I don't think he's actually played a video game before.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: What, has he been living under a rock?

GOBLIN: Yes. Or more accurately, in a painting. In a closet. In somebody else's house, filled with outdated technology.

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Oh wow, that's terrible.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: I DON'T PAY YOU TWO CENTS AN HOUR TO INTERRUPT ME! ...Oh wow, that's terrible.

VIDELECTRIX TWO: But wait, didn't he buy a modern computer recently? The new Grody Nine model?

GOBLIN: Yeah, but&mdash; wait, how do you know that?

VIDELECTRIX ONE: We're top investors in Compy Incorporated. How else would we pay the bills for all these {gestures across the office} state-of-the-future technologies?

GOBLIN: Yeah, cool. Anyway, yes, we bought a Grody Nine, but he doesn't even know how to use it. He doesn't even think it's technology; he keeps trying to convince me it's witchcraft and sorcery.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Aw jeez, that's just sad.

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Even by our standards.

{They look over at HP; he's on the first level, but hasn't started playing yet}

HP: Quite exciting this computer magic!

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Uh... you know you can press buttons to make him move, right?

HP: {presses a button; Stinkoman runs across the screen} Audible gasp! When does it end?! Can you shoot things too?! {laughs} No, that's just ridiculous.

VIDELECTRIX TWO: {whispers to Videlectrix One} I think we should avoid showing him the end bosses.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: YOU DON'T SUGGEST IDEAS! I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!! But yeah, I agree with you. Let's move on to the next jame.

{They walk over to an old computer with Peasant's Quest on it}

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Feast your eyes on the lush, 16-color, 16-bit land of Peasantry. {quietly} That's what I would be saying if this game had good graphics. {normal voice} But anyways, you are Rather Dashing&mdash;

HP: Why, thank you.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: No, I mean the short-pantèd peasant Rather Dashing. Quest across the countryside to kill the dragon what caused your cottage's demise! Tragdar, the Barninator!

HP: Trogdor? That's just a blatant rip-off of Trondog the Flamifyer. That two-armed dinosaur I drew three years ago.

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Uh, I hate to tell you this, but Trogdor outdates him by&mdash;

VIDELECTRIX ONE: SHUT UP! {to HP} Uh, I hate to tell you this, but Trogdor outdates him by over a decade.

HP: Oh, of course. You Videlectrixers and your time travel machines...

GOBLIN: How do we play this?

VIDELECTRIX ONE: For starters, press the left button to go left.

HP: {taps the left button} I think there's a problem. I stopped pressing the button, but he's still moving.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Yeah, yeah. You need to press the button again if you want him to stop.

HP: {presses it again} Cool. So how do I do things?

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Just use that keyboard and type what you want Rather Dashing to do.

HP: {typing} Give... me... a... sandwich. For free, please. Extra sauce. And a bag of like a million dollars. But whatever you do, don't put a dollar sign on the bag. I don't want anyone thinking I robbed a bank. Bank robbers always carry those dollar-sign bags. {enter}

{An error message comes up}

HP: Nothing happened.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: WHAT IS THIS?!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: It's an error message.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: WE CAN'T HAVE NO ERRORS IN THIS GAME!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: That just means we haven't programmed a response to that command.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: WELL THEN, PROGRAM IT UP!! AND SEND A LETTER OF APOLOGY TO ALL OUR CUSTOMERS!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: I don't think that's necessary... I don't&mdash; I don't think anyone else has tried that command.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: THE GRAY MAN HAS! NOW GIVE HIM EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: I mean, a sandwich is fine, but a million dollars? I'd be using up our entire company's budget. We'd be in debt for years.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: NOT FROM THE COMPANY'S BUDGET! FROM YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT!!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: I'm not sure about that. I'm saving up to buy a house for my family, and...

VIDELECTRIX ONE: DON'T MAKE ME FIRE YOU AGAIN!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Okay, okay, I'll give him a million dollars.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Good. NOW PROGRAM A RESPONSE TO EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY TYPE!!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: How am I supposed to do that?

VIDELECTRIX ONE: YOU TELL ME, MR. COMPUTERM'N! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S SO SMART ABOUT TETCH-NO-LOGGY!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: That's not how you pronounce it.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: I PRONOUNCE THINGS THE WAY I WANT, VIE-DEELIK-TREIX TWOH!

{The game beeps}

GOBLIN: I won.

HP: Wha&mdash; buh... th&mdash; how? I wasn't even watching! I was distracted by those games over there.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Oh yes. We've got a whole selection of videro games! Want to find an egg? Catch some pigs? Run a hall? Race a walk? Drive a sundae? Speedy a kid? Sneeze an omelette? We've got it all!

''{Wipe to later. HP is playing a game, exhausted.}''

HP: Man, Shploitz! is harder than I expected.

{They walk over to some cardboard boxes}

VIDELECTRIX ONE: And of course, don't forget our line of virtuous reality games! That's the future of gaming right there!

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Um, I'm pretty sure it's virtual reality...

VIDELECTRIX ONE: YOU DON'T TELL ME HOW TO SAY THE THINGS I SAY!

GOBLIN: Here you go. {puts the box on HP's head}

HP: I just see cardboard.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: And drawings of spaceships! Right?

HP: Oh, yeah! They're too close to see clearly.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Just shoot down the spaceships and save the planet!

HP: How? There are no controls. It's a drawing in a box.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: With your imagination, of course.

GOBLIN: This game doesn't sound very technologically advanced.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: Maybe that's because my programmer was lazy.

VIDELECTRIX TWO: Or maybe 'cause you only gave me a cardboard box and some markers to work with.

VIDELECTRIX ONE: WHAT ELSE AM I 'SPOSED TO DO WITH A FIVE-CENT BUDGET ON A VIRTUAL REALITY GAME? {cough} And, uh, last but not least, the always popular online world! Weclome to VirtualPizz.biz!

''{HP gets on the computer and designs his pizza. Cut to the VirtualPizz.biz Field.}''

HORRORGUY87: come on in heeere

TOTALSBSUPREME: Whoa! Jibblie jibblie jibblie.

BEANSNPUDDING3184: what, you mean like come in the video game? i wish. this place looks awesome!

VDLCTRX1: it would look better if my graphicman did better graphics

VDLCTRX2: This is the best I could do.

VDLCTRX1: QUIT YOUR SASS-BACK-TALK-SPEAK!!!

TOTALSBSUPREME: Oh man! Are you guys the real Videlectrix?

VDLCTRX1: we sure are, mr. bad. have you tried our selection of type em up thy dungeonmns?

TOTALSBSUPREME: You bet! All three of 'em! But I've always wanted to ask... why on earth I can't get ye flask?

{VDLCTRX1 has logged out}

TOTALSBSUPREME: Oh come on!! I was just about to ask what parapets are. And... Paul Revere's favorite ice cream flavor.

VDLCTRX2: You finished all three Thy Dungeonmans, you say?

TOTALSBSUPREME: Totals yeah I did! Like fifty times!

VDLCTRX1: Well, congratulations, sir! Have some Pizz Points.

{Beeping noises are heard}

TOTALSBSUPREME: Oh yeah! I'm rich! {turns into a giant robot version of himself}

DEPRESSIO11117: Strong Bad, what are you doing?

TOTALSBSUPREME: Strong Sad? Is that you?

DEPRESSIO11117: Yeah. I spend a lot of time here in the hopes of finding someone who tolerates my presence.

TOTALSBSUPREME: Well, good luck with that.

DEPRESSIO11117: And maybe even someone who I can send my existential haikus, so my poetry doesn't get lost to the sands of time.

BEANSNPUDDING3184: ooh ooh! can i listen one? i love a good hikoo.

DEPRESSIO11117: The universe here. Is it truly&mdash;

TOTALSBSUPREME: {shoots depressio11117}

HORRORGUY87: what was that for??

TOTALSBSUPREME: That guy was boring. And I gotta do SOMETHING with all these Pizz Points. {shoots everyone in the room}

{Cheatachu72 enters}

CHEATACHU72: Free 100% LEGAL Clothing wear $$$ visit our WEBSITE!!! Limited Offer Special,, NOT SPAM 100%

TOTALSBSUPREME: Shut up, The Cheat.

CHEATACHU72: What Happened To These 25 Celebrities? #6 Will SHOCK You!

TOTALSBSUPREME: Have you been letting corporations pay you to use your online avatar again?

{Cut back to the painting}

HP: I didn't really like any of those games, honestly.

GOBLIN: Yeah. We could probably just make our own and it would be better.

{Pause}

HP: Wait... say that again.

GOBLIN: Why? You just heard it.

HP: Nevermind, I'll do it for you. {Goblin impression} "We could probably just make our own and it would be better." {normal voice} Whoa, Goblin! That's a great idea!

GOBLIN: What, making our own game? No, it's not. I was joking. We don't even know how to make a game.

HP: What if we hired a professional?

{Pause}

GOBLIN: No.

HP: Yes.

GOBLIN: NO!

HP: YES!

{Cut to Strong Bad in the painting later}

STRONG BAD: NO!!

HP: So... Strong Bad. I suppose you're wondering why we brought you here.

STRONG BAD: Yeah, man! This is like the second email in a row! How did I get here anyways?

GOBLIN: That's not important. What is important is, you help us make our own video game.

STRONG BAD: Video games, huh? This might not be too bad, actually. So, where do we start?

HP: I dunno, that's why you're here. Where do we start?

STRONG BAD: Well, foist we gotta decide what genre and system.

HP: I was thinking along the lines of a futuristic... anime-style, pixelated game. "Creepy Picture 20X6", it'd be called.

STRONG BAD: Already been done.

HP: What about a textventure? "Thy Goblinman" or "Painting's Quest".

STRONG BAD: Yeah, no.

HP: "TRONDOG!"? "CusFeeder"? "HorriblePaintingZone"? "Obvious Collect."? "Hairstyle Painting"? "Cus Speedy"?

STRONG BAD: Just stop.

HP: No wait, no wait. I got a good one this time. An epic 3D point-and-clicker, "use pie on cat"-type deal. "Horrible Painting's Scary Game for Frightened People"! Or "HPSG4FP". For short.

STRONG BAD: I'm just going to ignore that. All right, here are the options. You can make one of those high-tech 3D first-person shooters... a boring puzzle-type game... a 2-and-a-half-D RPG, maybe... one of those 2D pixel ones...

HP: I choose that! Pixels are all the rage these days.

STRONG BAD: Excellent choice, man! We gotta include the essentials. In these games, there's always a main character going on a quest through about eight worlds, trying to rescue a princess or collect items or something. Each world has its own terrain style.

HP: Just like Earth! Everything is in a mountain world, or a desert world, or a lava world...

STRONG BAD: So, the first world needs to be a grassland of some sort. Only the simplest enemies and bosses, giving you instructions throughout. There has to be gold items scattered around to collect. Coins, rings, orbs, bananas, whatever. After that, the game starts getting challenging. There has to be the obligatory ice world, and at least three of the following: desert, snow, forest/jungle, cave, food, or outer space. The last world has to be a lava, castle, or lava castle world. At the end, you fight the bad guy, get the thing you wanted, and the credits roll.

HP: {taking notes} Sounds-a-good! How do we program this and get it on the market?

STRONG BAD: Send your idea to Videlectrix! Maybe they can make it into a full-fledged platformer of several-byte proportions!

HP: Great idea! Goblin, I think our game will be a phenomenal success!

GOBLIN: I hope you're right! We'll make millions!

''{Cut to later. HP and Goblin stare at a nickel on the desk.}''

HP: That's it?

GOBLIN: Yep.

HP: That's the profits from our game?

GOBLIN: Mm-hm.

HP: How is that even possible? Our game costs more than a nickel.

GOBLIN: Maybe they bought one-thousandth of the game.

HP: Well, this was less phenomenally successful than I had anticipated. Guess I'll just have to make a living by... {sigh} checking emails.

GOBLIN: A living? You get paid?

HP: Yep. Well, Cus pays me. He has like a jillion dollars in his bank account.

GOBLIN: How?

HP: Don't ask me, man. It'll always be a mystery.

''{Cut to Cus in a pile of coins. He holds up a copy of a "Cus Speedy" game and smiles. His tooth shines with a "ding". The Paintper comes down.}''

Trivia

 * This is the longest email, at 15:20.
 * As alluded to in the opening, this is the first real sent email since #8, Spam, and the fourth over all.
 * With a length of over a year, this email ends the longest hiatus to not be mentioned in the email.

Inside References

 * In the opening, the music from Fall Float Parade plays, with confetti raining down, and the Poopsmith cleaning up after it.
 * "Unpronouncable boss" refers to the email show's creator,.
 * Sproinkz Jr.'s slogan contains thyme.
 * Bubs getting the jibblies happened in the previous email.
 * Horrible Painting refers to an RPG as "shoot-'em-up style".
 * Horrible Painting undoes the jibblies by speaking backwards, same as in Jibblies 2.
 * Videlectrix argue about good graphics throughout the toon.
 * The email references Stinkoman 20X6, Peasant's Quest, Where's An Egg?, Pigs on Head, Hallrunner, 50K Racewalker, Sundae Drivin', Kid Speedy, Schploitz!, the Thy Dungeonman series, TROGDOR!, RhinoFeeder, StrongBadZone, Secret Collect., Hairstyle Runner, and Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People.
 * Horrible Painting says "Audible gasp!".
 * Videlectrix One describes Peasant's Quest similarly to the preview.
 * While doing so, he says "jame", "pantèd", and "Tragdar".
 * Horrible Painting mentions Trondog, his dragon from Artist.
 * Videlectrix One calls Two "Mr. Computerm'n".
 * Videlectrix cardboard box virtual reality was previously seen in an Instagram post.
 * Horrible Painting plays VirtualPizz.biz, where he finds Beansnpudding3184, depressio111117, and cheatachu72.
 * Strong Bad is forced to come into the painting and help them, similar to the previous email.
 * Strong Bad says "foist" instead of "first".

Real-World References

 * Horrible Painting says "Quite exciting this computer magic!", a quote from This Is Spinal Tap, referenced in Arcade Game and The Limozeen Advantage.
 * Horrible Painting's game references generic platformers, but Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Donkey Kong in particular.