hpe/23

Hpemail #23

Horrible Painting has to answer three questions. So, naturally, he gets a leading role in a big-budget action movie. Hilarity ensues.

Page Title: Grody Nine

Running Time: 19:47

Date: December 15, 2019

Script
HP: Email song.

{He reads "EVG" as "Extremely Vicious Gnomes".}

HP: {not typing} Uh oh. {calling out} Goblin! I'm getting vicious gnome emails again!

''{Cut to a wide shot. The Goblin walks over to the desk.}''

GOBLIN: I keep telling you, vicious gnomes can't attack you over the Internet. Well, not physically at least. But mentally... {staring into nothingness} and emotionally...

''{Pause. HP smacks the Goblin, snapping him out of his trance.}''

GOBLIN: {clears throat} So yeah, you have nothing to worry about.

HP: Oh. Sweet! Well, I guess that's it for this week. Er, year. Whatever. See you next time, kids!

{The Paintper comes down.}

GOBLIN: Did you even answer the email?

HP: Oh. Right. That part.

{Cut back to the computer.}

HP: {typing} To answer your first question... my favorite Thnikkaman movie? Uh... I haven't been to the theater in a while. How many of those are there? Maybe the first one. The first ones are always the best. But that's a guess on my part. I haven't seen any of the movies.

GOBLIN: {peeking into the screen} My favorite would definitely be the twelfth. I don't think any movie can ever top the timeless classic "Thnikkaman: Into the Thnikka-Verse".

{Cut to a wide shot.}

GOBLIN: Ooh! Or what about "Thnikkaman Goes To Town"? It's a bit earlier, so the CG is a bit dated, but it had a charm that later editions lacked. So did "Thnikkaman Gets Evicted", come to think of it. And need I say anything about "Thnikkaman vs. Potato Stew"? Beyond epic. Definitely lived up to the hype. And "Thnikkaman Watches Paint Dry" is criminally underrated. Everyone online always complains about the bland writing and poor cinematography, but it's really quite profound. Watching a wall for two hours really puts things in perspective. It makes you think, "Why am I watching this wall? I could be doing better things with my time!".

HP: {turns back to his computer} As for your second question... I don't know. Riffing... uh... I'd want to riff... something bad, probably. That'd be funny.

GOBLIN: I know. The utter failure that was "Thnikkaman 2". What's the deal with that new character Paper Towel Man? He was just comic relief without the "comic" part. Or the "relief", really. Still, you can tell they were trying. Unlike the corporate garbage that is "Thnikkaman in Space With a Duck and Also A Mariachi Band For Some Reason". No redeeming qualities whatsoever. And Paper Towel Man's touching and impactful character development was thrown out the window. Also the fact that The Thnikkaman was replaced by a head of cabbage for the entirety of the movie and none of the characters ever acknowledge it.

{HP begins to nod off.}

GOBLIN: And don't you dare get me started on "Thnikkaman: The Very Very Very Prequel". It's just a documentary about prehistoric life on Earth. Except the narration is by Paper Towel Man. I hate that guy.

{Pause.}

GOBLIN: HP? You awake?

HP: Huh? Oh. Oh, uh... yes. Yes, I'm awake. I think. Next question. {typing} Costume? I dunno. Not really up to date with pop culture and stuff.

GOBLIN: Dave from "Thnikkaman Watches Paint Dry". Remember Dave? He's the paint can. Not a talking one, like in that terrible Cardboard Kingio game. Just a regular paint can. If you were cylindrical and full of pigmented fluid, you'd look just like Dave. The resemblance is uncanny! It's perfect!

HP: Sure. {to the camera} That's it for this week or whatever, kids. See ya.

{The Paintper comes down.}

GOBLIN: I just checked that entire email for you. It can't be over yet! You haven't done anything!

HP: It's fine. No one cares. I'm tired.

''{Cus walks by, wearing fancy sunglasses and a tuxedo. The Paintper goes back up.}''

GOBLIN: Hey, Cus. What are you all gussied up for?

CUS: {expository growls}

GOBLIN: You're a world-renowned seventeen-figure-making Hollywood actor on the way to shoot your next big-budget action film?

HP: Why wasn't I informed of this? I had no idea you had fancy sunglasses!

CUS: {growls}

GOBLIN: We didn't ask?

HP: You can't blame us. You're not very interesting or fun to be around or interact with.

GOBLIN: What movie is it?

CUS: {growls}

GOBLIN: Oh, wow! That's neat!

HP: Can you repeat what he said? There might be a few plebians in the audience who don't know how to speak Cus.

GOBLIN: {sigh} Wow, Cus, you're going to shoot "Thnikkaman: Search for the Thnikkabran"?

HP: There you go.

CUS: {growls}

GOBLIN: Oh, I wasn't aware you needed extras. We'll make sure to tell people!

CUS: {parting growls}

GOBLIN: Well, see you later. Get back here before curfew!

CUS: {rebellious growls}

GOBLIN: I don't care that you make $70,000,000,000,000,000 more than I do! 8:00 sharp, you hear me, young skeletal remains?

CUS: {dismissive growls}

{Cus leaves.}

HP: I'm a bit peeved that he never bothered to share his billions with us.

GOBLIN: Well, what would you expect? We never feed him.

HP: Are you supposed to? He has no stomach or digestive organs.

GOBLIN: He's always complaining that he's starving and hasn't eaten in several years.

HP: I guess I wasn't paying attention. Why don't you feed him?

GOBLIN: I don't want to waste our undead sheep food.

HP: Waste it? How else can it be used?

GOBLIN: We could, like, donate it to an undead sheep charity or something. If there are any of those.

HP: Good point.

{Long pause.}

GOBLIN: Wait. "Thnikkaman: Search for the Thnikkabran"?! This is perfect!

HP: What about it?

GOBLIN: He said they needed extras! We could be extras! You couldn't answer any of the gnomes' questions because you weren't into pop culture, right? This is pop culture! And you get to be a part of it! You'd get to be in a Thnikkaman movie, and you'd probably get to wear a costume, and you can riff on the movie when it's done! Kill three stones with... one... bigger stone. And maybe a bird or two. What do you think?

HP: {shrugs}

{Cut to a huge building with text at the top reading "CASTING AGENCY".}

CASTING PERSON: {voiceover} So tell me about yourselves.

''{Cut to the inside. HP and Goblin are sitting across from a casting person.}''

HP: I'm the Rocoulm, Jibblies Painting, Joseph, whatever you want to call me. I don't know anything about Thtinkaman movies. Please hire me.

GOBLIN: My name is The Goblin. I'm hoping for a role similar to Dave from "Thnikkaman Watches Paint Dry". One of my all-time favorites. So much subtle irony packed within each of the thousands of identical frames.

CASTING PERSON: You're both hired. The set is that way. {points offscreen}

HP: That's not very specific.

CASTING PERSON: Can you not see where I'm pointing? I'm pointing at set #19 at ThnikkaStudios in Mundelow, just a couple plane flights away.

GOBLIN: I know, I can tell. {to HP} Let's go, Joseph.

''{Cut to a black screen with white text reading "A couple plane flights later...". Fade to HP and Goblin on a set in front of a green screen.}''

HP: Here's the set.

GOBLIN: I am aware. We've been standing here for three hours.

HP: Why have we been standing here for three hours?

GOBLIN: Because why not?

HP: Fair point.

''{Cut to a black screen with white text reading "Five hours later...". Fade back to the set.}''

HP: That's enough standing for one day. Come on, let's go home.

GOBLIN: Wait, what about the movie?

HP: Oh, right. Hey, directorman!

{A man in a beret and sunglasses walks up to them.}

DIRECTOR: Yes?

HP: What roles are we playing?

DIRECTOR: You will be portraying the main villain, Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character, and your green friend will be Stan.

GOBLIN: Who's Stan?

DIRECTOR: The identical twin of Dave the paint can.

GOBLIN: {gasp} My dreams have finally arrived.

HP: I'm the main villain? I thought I was supposed to be an extra! How long has this movie been filming?

DIRECTOR: Oh, a few months now. We couldn't find a good actor, so we've been using a cardboard cutout this whole time. It's fine, we can just refilm the whole movie. {through a megaphone} Attention, Thnikkaman! Come here, please.

{The usual singers chime in, the words flying across the screen in waves.}

UNSEEN CHORUS: {singing} Here comes the Thnikkaman!!!

GOBLIN: Oh Thnikkaman! We're going to see the Thnikkaman! I can't believe it!

{The Poopsmith walks in with sunglasses and a "tH" taped to his chest.}

GOBLIN: That's not the Thnikkaman!

DIRECTOR: You're so smart. We couldn't afford the Thnikkaman, so we brought in an impersonator.

GOBLIN: Impersonator? More like impostor!

DIRECTOR: Calm down, sir. Mr. Smith has plenty of experience under his belt. Don't you remember "Thnikkaman Rides Again"?

GOBLIN: Remember it? It's my least favorite Decemberween movie! That impostor ruined what could've been a perfectly good film.

DIRECTOR: {to the Poopsmith} Excuse me, Mr. Smith. We just got an actor to play Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character, so we're refilming everything.

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign reading "Won't refilming months of footage push back our timeline?"}

DIRECTOR: Yeah, maybe a year or two. At least the main threat of the film won't be made of cardboard.

{An evil-looking cardboard cutout waddles onscreen.}

CARDBOARD CUTOUT: What was that?

DIRECTOR: Oh. You're fired.

{The cutout topples over, lying flat on the ground.}

CARDBOARD CUTOUT: {sobbing} You can't do this to me! I've poured my heart and soul into this performance!

DIRECTOR: Get off my set. {kicks the cutout offscreen}

CARDBOARD CUTOUT: {offscreen} Ow, my cardboard corneas!

DIRECTOR: Here are your scripts. {hands HP and Goblin scripts} Let's rehearse the opening scene. It starts with&mdash;

GOBLIN: Hold it. I need to get into character. What motivates a paint can? Is it fame? Fortune? Glory? If someone gave this paint can a hundred dollars, what would it do with it? What is its least favorite birthday? Its 7th? 23rd? Does it like mashed potatoes, and if not, why the crap not? I love 'tatoes!

HP: I thought you were the smart character on the show.

GOBLIN: I am. What's not smart about getting into character for a big role?

DIRECTOR: A paint can is an inanimate object. Therefore it has no motivation.

GOBLIN: Gotcha. I can do that. {stands still and gazes into the distance}

DIRECTOR: That's good. But make your gaze a bit more determined.

GOBLIN: {furrows his brow a bit}

DIRECTOR: Good. Now rehearse your lines.

GOBLIN: {flips through the script} All right then. How do you pronounce ellipses?

DIRECTOR: ...

GOBLIN: Sure, I'll try that. {clears throat} ...

DIRECTOR: Perfect. Exactly what your character would say. Now, erhm... Mr. Rocoulm, is it?

HP: I usually go by Jibblies Painting, but that's&mdash;

DIRECTOR: Jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie...

HP: Oh, for Pete's sake. {speaking backwards} Ereh ni no emoc!

DIRECTOR: Phew. Thanks. As I was saying, the movie starts out with Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character scheming one of his... schemes. So, I want you to do some scheming. Can you scheme?

HP: "Scheme" doesn't sound like a word anymore. But I'll try. {reading} "Moo-hoo-hor-hor-har-har-hee! My plan is&mdash;"

DIRECTOR: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. Nope. That evil laugh won't cut it. I'm looking for something more like... "MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAH!"

HP: I can do that. {clears throat} Heh heh.

DIRECTOR: No! That is the opposite of MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAH!

HP: One more try. I'll get it this time. Ahem. {giggles}

DIRECTOR: Bad guys do not giggle! They guffaw! I'm sorry, but this isn't working out.

HP: But... this movie means so much to me! I may not have any acting experience, or know what the Thnikkaman movies are about, or care, frankly... but I'm... uh... not made of cardboard!

DIRECTOR: Fine, I'll give you one more shot. But if you don't nail the laugh, I'm bringing back the cutout.

HP: Yes! Thank you! I will laugh, and I will laugh good. I will laugh hysterically! And I will keep my job! I'll get paid big bucks! And when the movie hits theaters, they will all see me on the big screen! I'll be rich and famous!! MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAH!

DIRECTOR: Perfect! That is perfect! Just keep doing that, okay? We need your acting to be genuine, so maybe, like, be evil. Talk evil, laugh evil, do evil things, I don't care.

HP: What would you recommend? Like, blow up a hospital or something?

DIRECTOR: Sure, whatever gets you in character.

HP: Great, thanks. I'll be right back. {walks offscreen, then back a few seconds later}

DIRECTOR: How'd it go? You kill anyone?

HP: Yeah, I... wait a minute. {sighs in disappointment} Well, this is embarrassing. I got mixed up and accidentally built a hospital. I feel so foolish.

DIRECTOR: It's fine. As long as you can get some evil stuff done before we start filming, we're good. Now read your lines.

HP: "My plan is finally coming to fruition! When my meteor strikes the Earth and obliterates all life, Earth's inhabitants and that meddling Thnikkaman will be doomed! DOOMED, I say!"

GOBLIN: "..."

DIRECTOR: That's pretty good, but... I don't know, I'm still not getting enough evil vibes from you, Mr. Rocoulm. Maybe go out and do a few murders. Like three or four. That's what Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character would do.

HP: I'll consider it.

DIRECTOR: And Goblin, make your silence more dramatic. Give it an "oomph". We want the viewers to notice the paint can isn't speaking, because it's an inanimate object and can't speak.

GOBLIN: You want me to... silence louder?

DIRECTOR: Exactly.

GOBLIN: So, like, add an exclamation mark after my ellipses? I can do that.

DIRECTOR: No. This script was written by our finest writers for optimal movie quality. Do not change the punctuation. Our calculations show that a single change in punctuation can bring down our movie's online scores by up to 0.004971054%.

GOBLIN: Gotcha. Ellipses, but louder.

DIRECTOR: That's right. Let's begin filming.

''{Cut to space. Pan down to the Earth. Dramatic music plays as the camera zooms in to an evil lair. A caption appears, reading "AN EVIL LAIR". Cut to the interior, where HP is dressed in a black robe with a red monocle and a magic-looking staff.}''

HP: MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAH! My plan is finally coming to fruition! When my meteor strikes the Earth and obliterates all life... et cetera.

DIRECTOR: {offscreen; whispering} That's not the line.

HP: Doesn't matter. They've heard the whole villain spiel before. Anyway, uh... {clears throat} come to me, my evil minion!

{Cus walks up to HP.}

HP: Evil Cus, I want you to find a meteor and send it toward the Earth!

CUS: {questioning growls}

HP: In space. You know, where meteors are.

CUS: {confused growls}

HP: You have an entire evil lair full of evil gadgets at your disposal, man! Build a rocket or something!

CUS: {frustrated growls}

HP: Come on, you're overthinking it. It's just a big metal thing with some flames coming out of it. Can't be that hard. Now go! Get that meteor!

''{Cut to the Poopsmith, dressed as the Thnikkaman, walking along in the Field. He stops, as if realizing something.}''

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "Wait, I'm in a movie again. That must mean Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character is up to his usual tricks. What is his plan this time? And how am I fitting all this text on one sign?"}

{Cus walks up to the Poopsmith.}

CUS: {determined growls}

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "That's right, Good Cus. If we inflitrate Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character Headquarters, we can find out what his plan is!"}

HP: {offscreen} Hold up. {walks onscreen from the left, not wearing his villain costume} Evil Cus is a good guy now? What happened to my loyal minion?

DIRECTOR: {offscreen} Did you not read the script? He's playing two characters! We couldn't waste his multi-jillion-dollar celebrity star power on just one character.

GOBLIN: {walks onscreen from the right} He's right. Remember the remake of "Thnikkaman Does A Jig And Not Much Else"? Cus played every single character with different costumes and accents. He even acted as the opening and closing credits. Remember how long it took to wash those names off his woolly coat?

HP: Oh, right. I always wondered what those names were all about.

DIRECTOR: {offscreen} Goblin, please exit the set. Stan the paint can is not present in this scene. Neither are you, Mr. Rocoulm. And by the way, how are those murders coming along?

HP: Well, I helped an old lady cross the street. Does that count?

DIRECTOR: {offscreen} Eh, close enough. Now leave.

{HP and Goblin walk offscreen.}

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "Let's pretend that didn't happen. Anyways, how will we ever get into the headquarters?"}

CUS: {growls}

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "That's a brilliant plan, Good Cus!"}

''{Cut to the evil lair. The Poopsmith and Cus walk onto the set.}''

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "Thanks to your brilliant plan, we made it into the headquarters! Now where does that antagonist character keep his evil plans?"}

{HP walks in, wearing his villain getup.}

HP: You're too late! I've already started the plan! Evil Cus is in space looking for a meteor to destroy the Earth as we speak!

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "Hey, thanks! We were gonna find where you kept the plans, but now we don't have to!"}

''{Cut to space. Cus floats around, grabs a meteor with his teeth, and hurls it toward the Earth. He continues drifting aimlessly.}''

CUS: {growls} {subtitled: Now what do I do?}

{Cut back to the lair.}

HP: Evil Cus succeeded! The meteor is on its way! His sacrifice will not be forgotten. Isn't that right, Evil Cus 2?

CUS: {walks onscreen and growls}

HP: That's right. You are way better than the old model.

{Cut to the Poopsmith.}

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "There's only one way to stop that meteor... we must find the Thnikkabran!"}

CUS: {unsure growls}

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "What's the Thnikkabran, you ask? You'll find out soon enough. First we must trek through the treacherous jungles! Onward!"}

DIRECTOR: {offscreen} Cut! {walks onscreen} That was pretty good. One moment, I have to speak to some of the actors.

''{Cut to HP reading his script behind the set. The director walks in.}''

DIRECTOR: Hello, Mr. Rocoulm. Have you done any evil things lately?

HP: Well, I've tried, but so far I've only ended up saving a bus full of hostages, air dropping relief supplies to refugees, and building an orphanage. {sigh} I feel like such a failure. I never do anything right.

DIRECTOR: Except saying you're a failure. That's pretty accurate.

HP: Thanks! At least I'm good at something. Please, Mr. Director, can you let me off the hook just this once?

DIRECTOR: Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character does not build orphanages! This constant do-goodery is hindering your performance! Remember that evil laugh earlier? That was genuine!

HP: If you want, I can break into your house and steal your belongings or something. Can you leave the door unlocked?

DIRECTOR: I would, but unfortunately we don't have time right now. We have more scenes to film. Now get on set. You haven't yet. But you will, I bet. Now that we've met. You shouldn't fret. Um... Boba Fett.

HP: Fine.

''{Cut to the lair. HP is wearing his villain costume again.}''

HP: The meteor has reached maximum velocity! The planet will be obliterated in ten seconds! And I will escape in my Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character Ultimate Spaceship from Cheap as Free Toys, and help everyone who was harmed, get them to hospitals, pay for the damage costs, and&mdash;

CUS: {whispering growls}

HP: Right. I meant evil things. Very evil. Moo-har-har.

''{Pause. The Goblin walks in.}''

HP: What is this paint can doing in my lair?

GOBLIN: ...

{Cut to the Poopsmith and Cus in the jungle.}

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "The meteor will strike in ten seconds! We have to act fast!"}

CUS: {panicked growls}

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "It's not that bad. Ten seconds is like half an hour in movie time."}

CUS: {understanding growls}

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up a sign that reads "Well, now that we've made our way through the treacherous jungles, we must get to the"}

{The Poopsmith walks offscreen, then back on with another sign.}

THE POOPSMITH: {"ancient temple of the Thnikkabran, which is guarded by a fearsome beast!"}

CUS: {frightened growls}

THE POOPSMITH: {"Very fearsome. Like, a thousand dollars of visual effects fearsome."}

{Homsar waddles in wearing pajamas and ping-pong balls.}

HOMSAR: AaAaAah'm a mo-cap cash grab!

{Cut to HP in his villain costume, hammering nails into a fence in front of a house.}

HP: There you go, Mr. Jimulon. This fence will probably protect your house from the harmful effects of the meteor that's about to wipe out the planet.

CUS: {growls}

HP: Evil stuff? Oh crap! How do I keep getting those two things mixed up? Uh, sorry, Mr. Jimulon. Can I have the fence back? If not, you can at least pay me the labor costs.

''{Cut to the Poopsmith and Cus. Homsar is now lying down.}''

THE POOPSMITH: {"I can't believe we beat that fifty-eight-headed gargantuan cyborg mollusk with segmented eyes, demonic barf powers, and a cool costume!"}

''{Cut to the inside of a temple. The two walk inside.}''

THE POOPSMITH: {"There it is... we've finally found it... the Thnikkabran!"}

{Cut to a pedestal, where a box of Thnikkaman-themed cereal glows.}

HP: {offscreen} Wait. The Thnikkabran is a cereal?

DIRECTOR: {offscreen} Of course it's a cereal! What does it sound like? Now stop interrupting the scene.

''{Cut to the Poopsmith pouring the cereal into a bowl with some milk. He starts eating it.}''

CUS: {panicked growls}

THE POOPSMITH: {"Yes, I'm aware that we have two seconds left. This is all going according to plan."}

''{He finishes slurping the last of the cereal, and begins to glow. He steps outside the temple and glares at the meteor speeding toward the Earth. Once it enters the atmosphere, the Poopsmith leaps up and punches the meteor back into space.}''

CUS: {triumphant growls}

HP: Hey, thanks, Thnikkaman. Now I don't have to worry about sending everyone freshly-baked pies as compensation for&mdash; I mean, drat! How did you foil my evil plans?

THE POOPSMITH: {holds up the cereal box} {"We couldn't have done it without Thnikkabran! Part of this fundamental breakfast!"}

''{Zoom in on the box. Fade to a bowl of Thnikkabran next to toast, fried eggs, bacon, fruit, an ice cube, and escargot.}''

SINGERS: {singing a jingle} Everyone loves the Thnikkabran! Brought to you by the Thnikkaman!

ANNOUNCER: Thnikkabran is a part of this existent breakfast! Perfect for milk and perhaps bowls! Cut out the "tH" on the back and tape it to your chest, why don't you?

ANNOUNCER 2: {quickly} Available wherever Thnikkabran is sold. Thnikkaspoon sold separately.

{HP's silhouette rises in front of the screen.}

HP: WHAT?!

{Cut to him in a theater chair next to Goblin and Cus.}

HP: That whole thing was a cereal commercial? Give me a break!

GOBLIN: I don't mind. Did you see my big scene? I got to say three entire punctuations!

HP: If you'll excuse me, I've got some complaining to do. {leaves}

{Brief silence.}

GOBLIN: On my top 10 list, I'd put that between "Thnikkaman and the Mystery of his Favorite Bean: Volume VII: The Movie: The Sequel: The Game: The Movie" and "Thnikkaman and his Crippling Existential Crisis".

{Cut to the director on set.}

DIRECTOR: {into a megaphone} Now filming the opening scene for "Thnikkaman Eats Whole Wheat Thnikkabran, Which Has Three More Whole Grains Than The Leading Brand". Recording in 3... 2...

HP: {yelling from offscreen} Hey, directorm'n! {walks in} What's the big idea? You made a whole movie just to sell some breakfast?

DIRECTOR: Yes, I did.

HP: That was the most disappointing cinematic experience I've ever experienced! It was also the only cinematic experience I've ever experienced, but still, it was disappointing.

DIRECTOR: Frankly, Mr. Rocoulm, I'm not crazy about your performance either. Your goodness ruined my film! Why couldn't you just do those murders and get into character like I asked?!

HP: Why are you so into murders? This is beyond dark humor at this point. It's getting quite disturbing.

DIRECTOR: You haven't figured it out yet?

HP: Figured what out?

DIRECTOR: Apparently not. Well, you see...

{The director unzips his disguise, revealing HP wearing a villain costume.}

HP: Whoa, that's weird. Are you my twin or my clone? Or both?

DR. EVIL BAD GUY ANTAGONIST CHARACTER: Neither. I am... Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character!

HP: Dr. Evil Bad Guy Antagonist Character? You're... you're real?

DR. EVIL BAD GUY ANTAGONIST CHARACTER: That's right! I was trying to get you to do all my villainous work for me. The whole movie was just a distraction to keep you meddling fools from finding out about the meteor that will obliterate the Earth in ten seconds! And that is not in movie time!

HP: Nooo!

DR. EVIL BAD GUY ANTAGONIST CHARACTER: Mr. Rocoulm, I suggest you accept your inevitable doom. Nothing can stop the meteor now.

{The singers chime in again, the words flying across the screen.}

UNSEEN CHORUS: {singing} Here comes the Thnikkaman!!!

{The real Thnikkaman walks in.}

HP: No way! It's the Thnikkaman! Like the actual one! That talks and everything! Excuse me, Mr. Thnikkam'n, can I have some?

THE THNIKKAMAN: Not right now! I've got a meteor to stop!

HP: But how?! This isn't a movie! You can't just leap up and punch it back into&mdash;

{The Thnikkaman leaps up and punches the meteor back into space.}

HP: Wow! Thank you so much, Thnikkaman!

THE THNIKKAMAN: Don't thank me! {holds up a cereal box} Thank Thnikkabran!

{Zoom into the box.}

ALL: {voiceover} HOORAY FOR THNIKKABRAN!

{A speech bubble appears on the box.}

THE THNIKKAMAN: "Yeah, shut up, kid!"

ANNOUNCER: {the text appears as he speaks} Side-effects may include gingivitis, hypnosis, and cardiac arrest.

{The Paintper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

 * Click the speech bubble to show the DVD of each movie mentioned in the email. Click on certain DVDs to see a clip.
 * Thnikkaman: Into the Thnikka-Verse
 * {Cut to several Thnikkamen gathered together in a city.}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: Thnikkamen, we have to team up to save the Thnikka-Verse!
 * OLD-TIMEY THNIKKAMAN: Do we, though?
 * CHARACTER TH: Blahrohslerohbloroslero. {subtitled: Who cares about the Thnikka-Verse anyway? I'm going home.}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: No wait, guys, come back! We have to team up so the movie will be cool! You guys!
 * NOIR THNIKKAMAN: Yeah, shut up, kid.
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: That's my line! I'm the Thnikkaman!
 * SCI-FI THNIKKAMAN: Not necessarily. According to my calculations, the true Thnikkaman is none other than myself!
 * WESTERN THNIKKAMAN: This town ain't big enough fer the fifty of us Thnikkamans. There can only be one true Thnikka.
 * FANTASY THNIKKAMAN: The prophecy states that whosoever can lift the Blade of Rophs'thmir from the Castle of the Yth'rian Realm shall be crowned the one Thnikkaman to rule them all.
 * SPANISH THNIKKAMAN: Eso es ridículo. Seguramente debes ver que yo soy el verdadero.
 * ORIGINAL THNIKKAMAN: I have had it with these Thnikkamen! I'm outta here, you amateurs!
 * {They all leave.}
 * UNSEEN CHORUS: {singing} Here goes the Thnikkamen!!!
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: Wait! You guys! Uh... {holds up a box} I've got Thnikkabran! {pause} Oh, it's no use. The Thnikka-Verse is as good as gone.
 * HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Not if I have anything to say about it!
 * {Pan down to an onion with sunglasses.}
 * CROWD: ONION THNIKKAMAN! ONION THNIKKAMAN!!
 * ONION THNIKKAMAN: Yeah, shut up, kids!
 * Thnikkaman vs. Potato Stew
 * {Cut to a kitchen. The Thnikkaman dips a spoon in a pot and slurps it up.}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: Ow! Hot stew! {drops the spoon on his foot} Oww! Hot spoon! {bees swarm around him} YEOWW! Hot bees!
 * {He backs away from the pot and glares at it menacingly.}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: You've burned me for the last time, potato stew. When next we meet, 'twill be on the... potato stew field of battle!
 * {Cut to a screen reading "5 minutes later". Cut to the Thnikkaman, defeated, with a pot of stew resting victoriously on top of him.}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: I hate this stew.
 * Thnikkaman Watches Paint Dry
 * {Cut to a freshly-painted wall. A paint can is visible in the corner. The scene ends after one minute.}
 * Thnikkaman 2
 * {Cut to the Field.}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: Hey, look! It's a sequel! Let's go, Paper Towel Man!
 * PAPER TOWEL MAN: Sure thing, Mr. Thnikkaman! I can't wait to go on so many adventures with my favorite pal!
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: Oh, Paper Towel Man!
 * {A laugh track plays.}
 * Thnikkaman in Space With a Duck and Also A Mariachi Band For Some Reason
 * {Cut to a cabbage in space with a duck and also a mariachi band for some reason.}
 * DUCK: Quack.
 * {The band plays a brief tune.}
 * Thnikkaman: The Very Very Very Prequel
 * {Cut to a volcanic environment.}
 * BRITISH NARRATOR: Over nine years ago, in the late Cretaceous, dinosaurs roamed the Earth and the technology behind the microwave was still being developed. It was a dark time for microwaves. {sniff} Dark time indeed.
 * Thnikkaman Does A Jig And Not Much Else
 * {Cut to Cus doing a jig. A concerned man enters the frame.}
 * MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Thnikkaman, what are you doing?
 * CUS: {growls} {subtitled: A jig. And not much else.}
 * MAN: But Mr. Thnikkaman, the world is in danger! Dr. Bad Guy Villain Whatever Man has built an army of cyborg super soldiers and is about to&mdash;
 * CUS: {growls} {subtitled: Not. Much. Else.}
 * MAN: Yes, sir. {leaves the frame}
 * {Silence for several seconds as Cus continues his jig. On the horizon, an army of cyborg super soldiers can faintly be seen shooting down the populace with lasers and blowing up the city. Cus continues his jig.}
 * Thnikkaman and the Mystery of his Favorite Bean: Volume VII: The Movie: The Sequel: The Game: The Movie
 * {Cut to the Thnikkaman in an office with a detective trench coat and magnifying glass.}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: Hmm. Where is my favorite bean?
 * CUS: {growls}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: No, I didn't eat it, Cus. That is a ridiculous notion and I resent it.
 * CUS: {growls}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: Yes, I checked the bean jar. It had every bean except my favorite bean.
 * CUS: {growls}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: {groan} Yes, obviously I checked Liechtenstein. Now shut up, you're not helping.
 * CUS: {growls}
 * THE THNIKKAMAN: We have two bean jars?

Trivia

 * This is the longest email until Finale, at 19:47.
 * With eight Easter eggs within one Easter egg, this has the most Easter eggs of any hpemail.

Inside References

 * Kingio is a parody of Mario originating in Pumpkin Carve-nival.
 * "What are you all gussied up for?" was previously said in the Strong Bad Email concert.
 * Mundelow is a location occasionally mentioned in Homestar Runner content.
 * Goblin and the director's exchange after the Poopsmith walks onscreen is similar to that of Marzipan and Homestar from 3 Times Halloween Funjob.
 * "Thnikkaman Rides Again" and everything relating to it (such as the Poopsmith portraying the Thnikkaman and it being a Decemberween movie) was mentioned in the episode  (mentioned by EDITED Video Greg, the sender of the email).
 * "I love 'tatoes!" was said by Homestar Runner in Kick-A-Ball.
 * The Jibblies Painting reverses the jibblies in the same manner as Jibblies 2 (and the email Games).
 * The Jibblies Painting's good deeds are identical to the Cheat Commandos' from 2 Part Episode: Part 1.
 * The Jibblies Painting advertises Cheap as Free in the movie.
 * Homsar's scene is similar to The Monster's from Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective.
 * Segmented eyes were a feature of Strong Bad's first made-up animal in animal.
 * Strong Bad mentions demonic barf powers in Haunted Photo Booth.
 * Cut-outs on the backs of cereal boxes were complained about by Strong Bad in specially marked.
 * "I'm outta here, you amateurs!" was previously spoken by Original Bubs in original.
 * "YEEOW! Hot bees!" was previously said by Bubs in the process.
 * The Thnikkaman's line beginning the war against potato stew references his line from Donut Unto Others.

Real-World References

 * Thnikkaman: Into the Thnikka-Verse is a reference to the 2018 film Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, complete with different variations and genres of the Thnikkaman in the Easter egg.
 * The talking paint can from "that terrible Cardboard Kingio game" is a reference to Huey from Paper Mario: Color Splash.
 * Boba Fett is a fictional bounty hunter from the Star Wars franchise.