Peasant's Quest: Rather Dashing's Adventure

The Peasant's Quest novelization/fanfiction written by Strong Sad.

Chapter 1
For untold ages, the chivalrous realm of Pageantry had been at war with their adjacent neighbor, the deplorable kingdom of Bigotry. Their borderlands were a permanent battlefield and those unfortunate peasants caught in the midst of it all did their best to eke out an existence while the war raged around them. Eventually, just before the Age of Trogdor, the land on which the armies fought became so ravaged and war-torn - and the peasants that occupied it so smelly and unattractive- that neither side would claim it. Pageantry said the land was far too ugly and low brow to be a part of their realm and Bigotry wanted nothing to do with those "weak-kneed, weak-mead quaffers". With no realm to call their own, the peasants of the borderlands grumbled together a meager government and began calling themselves the kingdom of Peasantry.

Chapter 2
In the early days, life was simple and happy. Baby ladies stole money. Creepy old men fished in the lakes. The Jhonka, a troll-like being that lived in a cave, hoarded its treasure. A vile giant known as the Kerrek invaded the land, squashing all who trespassed his fields. Then, a dragon known as Trogdor the Burninator came. Trogdor ravaged fields, squashed peasants, destroyed huts, and spread burnination all over the land. Ever since this day, while most of the peasants of Peasantry have lived in peace with Trogdor for centuries, some people did indeed live in fear, like a peasant wearing short pants who lived in Peasantry for some time. His name was Rather Dashing.

Chapter 3
When Rather Dashing came back from Scalding Lake, he found out that his house, along with all his other items, was burninated by the great Trogdor. He had nothing left to lose. Except he swears to get revenge on the beefy Wingaling Dragon in the name of burninated peasants. Rather Dashing began his adventure to find and battle Trogdor. He headed east towards the mountain where Trogdor lives. "That's a nice looking lake." said Rather Dashing. He grabbed up a handful of fairly substantial pebbles. Rather Dashing makes sure to get an even mix of sedentary, igneous, and sureptitious rocks. While searching for more pebbles, Rather Dashing found a bucket. Not just a regular bucket, but a agéd bucket that was purchased from Ye Old Gift Shoppe.

Chapter 4
Rather Dashing put his pebbles in the bucket. He went to ye well to put his bucket in, but it descended to the bottom. He saw there was a crank to pull the bucket, and hauled the bucket back up. There was a monster mask in there! No doubt leftover from some pagan ritual. Silly pagans. Rather Dashing grabbed up the scary monster mask. Man, this thing could scare a horse! And then, he slipped on the monster mask. And then, an archer near him gasped and said "You scared the crap outta Poor Gary! He broke on through to the other side!" "Oh, hi. I'm Mendelev," says the archer. "I used to run a shooting range here with my brother Dongolev. But we don't talk so much anymore. haven't seen him in a Jhonka's age. If you ever run into him, tell him I said 'haldo'. "You mean 'hello,'" Rather Dashing asks. 'Oh, um. No. Shut up. I said 'haldo' and I meant 'haldo.' Tell him I said 'haldo.'" said Mendelev.

Chapter 5
Mendelev stopped arching and turned to Rather Dashing. "My brother told you to tell me haldo? He must want to start the old business back up!" He picked out a really good one and yanked it from the tree. And then, Rather Dashing spotted a cottage. He gets some chicken feed. Rather Dashing used to eat this stuff like crazy when he were a kid and his parents weren't watching (which was all too often). He grabs several large handfuls. He went inside the cottage and found a lady with a baby. Nothing too special. Rather Dashing leaves the cottage until the baby lady said "Hey, you're on some quest right? Well, the little squirt here lost something of mine in the yard the other day. It's yours if you can find it." It was a rattle. And he threw it back to the baby lady. He ran to the bush to find some berries. But all of them squished in his hand. He ran to another bush, and grabbed the berries. But again, they squished in his hand.

Chapter 6
Rather Dashing reaches into the bush to snag some berries but instead, find a Super Trinket! These things are awesome! He has a sneaking suspicion that someone in this book will need this thing. He tosses the chicken feed into the lake. He sheds a tear for each one. "Goodbye, Monty." he sniffs. "Bye Delga, Rasputin. Farewell, Combledon!" and so forth. Woah! That crotchety old man just caught a pantload of fish! "Now I can get back to running the inn," he says and rows to shore and hauls his boat out and cleans, guts, and filets all the fish and a plethora of other stuff. Rather Dashing finds Mendelev and gives the Super Trinket to him. "That'll work," says Mendelev. Just hit 3 bullseyes and you win the SuperTime FunBow TM!" Rather Dashing shoots 3 bullseyes. "Nice shootin! 3 hits." says Mendelev. "Here's your prize!" Rather Dashing got the SuperTime FunBow TM! We don't sell ammo, so he has to find his own arrows for it.